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THE MORE YOU WANT IT...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by jennysimon, Mar 29, 2021.

  1. jennysimon

    jennysimon Fapstronaut

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    HI ALL,
    I am hoping to get some feedback from spouses AND from recovering addicts on this post. My boyfriend is officially 6 weeks clean. We have had sex probably an average of 2 times a week since he stopped. So far, I can def tell the difference in his hardness and he can sometimes finish and I am happy with his progress. However I am having trouble with something that happened yesterday. I have a very high sex drive, I would like to be having sex every day, I've been that way since we met about three years ago and though I am happy to now know why we don't, the recovery process feels slow for me since i've already spent a year or two feeling like my sexual satisifaction/appetite has not been fuilfilled. Anyways my bf was watching a lot of "dumb niave teen tricked.." or "hypnosis porn" or ALOT ALOT OF HENTAI.. which is basically rape like porn.

    I have been horny all week and the last two days i came onto him he nicely said he wasn't feeling it so i kindly backed off. EVen tho even that feels like rejection. Anyways i asked him whats up and he said to me "the more you want it, the less i do. its more fun when I know you dont want it so badly. its too easy when you do."

    I hoenstly am having SUCH a hardtime with this... and I am not tryin to too my own horn but I am considered to be a very attractive woman. I'm exotic, I take very good care of myself, I gym, I am a pole dance instructor and choreographer- he has let me know that its not that hes not attracted. but he says "i dont know thats just what turns me on at the moment, I cant help that." is this common? or is this because now that hes not watching porn this is what is mind is relying back on to be turned on? How should i feel about this? how do i not take this personal? so am i supposed to NOT WANT SEX with my boyfriend? that sounds unhealthy and its this endless looop now cause the more I want it, the less he does? But then if he comes onto me i'm supposed to act like I dont want it.. does anyone have any insight. I am trying soo hard to accept that hey this is what porn has taught him.. especially a lot of this "just take what you want" or "lack of consent-like engagement" but thats sooo hard to accept and not take personal. hes basically telling me hes into the EXACT opposite of what I am- a woman who desires him? any insight helps.. I am hurting sooo bad
     
  2. Slimjimjones

    Slimjimjones Fapstronaut

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    Damn that's a tough situation to be in. I'm in the same situation of having a high libido and it certainly hurts sometimes when turned down, but it do in fact be like that. It's hard to not take it personally, but just try to think about it from your partners perspective, I certainly don't want her to have sex if she doesn't want to because I love her and don't want her to have to go through that.

    I would say it is not abnormal to want things to be a heat in the moment deal but at the same time he's gotta know that he not actually raping you or something. Maybe just talk to him and roleplay for him? But at the same time it think it's odd to not want sex AT ALL because he isn't getting that specific scenario. Maybe he just needs time or needs to start pumping that iron and increase that testosterone?

    I feel yah though, PM me if you want to chat more about it.

    Cheers!
     
  3. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Edit/addition:

    I wanted to make clear at the beginning that abstaining from porn is one thing. Being in recovery and attempting change is another thing. He needs to learn how to be honest, empathetic, open, and understanding. He also needs to know that porn sex is selfish and violent and unrealistic (especially cartoon porn). It's good he told you the truth, however HOW to say something is as important as the words he chooses. It's going to take a lot of communication, and it's important for you to remember to keep those boundaries up and don't give up yourself for him.


    Couple things from someone about 8 months in.

    First, some here will tell you about the "flatline". The idea being that after being saturated with sexual images and videos for however long, when you remove it your body, as part of withdrawal, tends to overcorrect and go into sexual anorexia. I know I had periods where I would just not feel the energy for sex (albeit I never turned my wife down, and she sounds less forthcoming than you). He could be in that, but there's no way to know.

    Second, based on the type of porn he watched, it makes sense that he prefers to be the agressor. He was poor at wording, and didn't take your feelings into account based on how you described the incident. With good communication he should see this as a great thing. If he wants to be the agressor, he should be able to be confident with the knowledge he's with a sexually confident woman, and he can then make the move without having to fear rejection after rejection. Compared to other options, this allows him to sexual express himself without being mentally beaten down with "no"s. A good talk about "this is who I am, this is how it impacts you, this is how it benefits you, this is what you need to get past to see the positive side" would be helpful.

    Third, I know it hurts, however it's possible this is the first time he's being honest about his sexual preferences. Honesty is important, even if it hurts. He should be more empathetic and understand how to delivery the truth better, but in the long term it's better than him lying.

    Fourth, do not change yourself or pretend not to want sex just to please him. Hold your boundaries and self and communicate to come to a solution you both enjoy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2021
    RobbyGo36 and Slimjimjones like this.
  4. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    After a few years the average sex encounters in a couple is in average 1.5 times a weak. So.. you are a little above average.

    This is the way you are, but not everybody is like this. There are woman like you, there are woman that are fine with a couple of times a weak and there are woman that are not that interested in sex. This apply to man aswelll.

    This is on you, you decided to be with him knowing that your sexual desires were not going to be fullfilled for some time.. or maybe never. You bet on him that things would get better and they are getting better but not at your pace and you are not happy with it. You had really high spectations about it and now that is not what you spected you are kind of complaining about it, but you are the only one to blame for staying with him.

    You have no choice but to back off and is the rigth call.

    Scarcity creates value. If you are in the desert and I give you a bottle of water you will be desperate to drink it. If I give you another you will be happy to drink it. If I give u a 3rd one you are probably going to keep it for later.
    What is scarce is more valuable. If you are constatly offering to have sex, he is overwelmend with it. Having sex with you isn't scarce at all, is easy, is abundant so he is not that exited to do it. He knows that if he say no to sex you are going to offer sex again later or tomorrow.

    Is not about finding you attracting, is about not letting him come to you at his pace to desire you.

    Is not personal, he is helping you because he likes you. He is telling you what he needs to want to have more sex with you.

    No, of course that you are suppost to want to have sex with him but accept the fact that he is not that willing to have sex everyday. He is not that into sex as you are.

    The more you push for it, the more he backs off.
    More you push more easy it became and less valuable.

    No, enjoy it when he comes to you but I can bet that you always go to gim first.

    Is not about porn, is about how much you want it and how much he wants it. You want it way more than he.. so you need to accept the fact that you are never going to have as much sex as you want if you stay with him.

    He want a woman that desire him but not as much as you are. he is been honest.

    This is pretty straigth forward.
    1- You need to make a decision. Are you ok with having sex a couple of time a weak and not everyday like you want? He is not going to give you sex everyday. He is just not that into sex like you are. If he would be like that you would be definitevely having sex everyday. If you are having sex twice a week that's how much he want it to be.
    Accept that fact and be happy to have sex twice a week (average for most people) or break up with him and go and look for a man that is happy to have sex with you everyday.

    2- If you decide that you want to stay with him and see what happens... my advice to you is do what he is asking for. Let him come to you at his pace. Don't ever come after him for sex, the only way you are going to have sex if he comes to you for it. Also you can make it a little harder to him as a game, I'm not telling you to deny it to him (that's manipulation) I mean playing games with him and make him work for it, like with a large foreplay or something like that. Have fun with him about it but let him come to you at his pace. When he notice that you are not all over him he is going to wonder what is happening... he is probably going to go after you.. let him move at his own pace and see what happens.

    2.1- After a couple of weeks make and evaluation about how it went letting him come to you. Are you having more sex than before or less? if it's more then letting him come to you for sex is working so keep doing it. If sex is still twice a weak or less then is time to make a decision again because now you can see that he is happy with sex twice a week or even less and you are probably not going to fullfill your sexual desires with him.
     
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  5. jennysimon

    jennysimon Fapstronaut

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    Whewwww! OKAY, THANK You sooo much for this blunt and honest breakdown. You really broke this down logically and it helped. I am definitely going to do what you said and be patient and back off. I think that is what needs to be done. WHen we first go together we were having alot of sex. He said more sex than he had ever had with anyone. I am talking about 3 times a day about five days out of the week for about seven months. Then lots of things happened, deaths, moving, a small breakup etc and he admitted to using porn more than he already was to cope with all of these things and I am just anxious to get back to that.

    Right now, I think that he is flatlining. Like I said he is on week six of no porn at all. I should've been more specific about the break down of sex frequency...Week 1-2 we were having sex like twice a week than week 3-4 we were having sex every other day... and then it started dwindling and now the last two weeks we only had sex once and hes telling me his mind just isn't focused on sex right now.. but how can that be if I'm sure hes fantasizing about porn and shit all day right? then said that "the more you want it, the less i want it" the other day. but when you broke it down the way you did it really helped. I choose to stay because we love each other. I love him. The shit we have gone through together is intense so my want for sex sits on the back burner compared to my want to love him and stay in this relationship. your analogy of the desert reallly reallly helped me not take it personal as well!

    can I ask about your flatline? what was that like? Is this all part of the process?
     
  6. jennysimon

    jennysimon Fapstronaut

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    Wow! I love how you put this and I am going to say it exactly as you do. The difficult thing with this is he also has ADHD. HE was highly medicated as a child so does not want to be on drugs now so unfortunately communication is already hard. HIm having patience and empathy and actually listening without interuppting or jumping to conclusions is a difficult battle by itself without this whole porn issue. HOWEVER, I will say that since hes quit porn, even tho sex may be up and down his communication, calmness, empathy and patience has all been effected quite positively.

    I just have such an issue with thinking that the scenarios he is holding onto are all these hentai (that was his porn of choice) and those weren;t like oh play hard to get situations hentai is basically rape porn ya know.. so its like if thats what hes chasing I will never be that fantasy and he'll never be fulfilled or enjoy our sex like he does watching those fuckin hentais where its like old men taking advantage of prepubescent "loli" girls...
     
  7. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    It's only been a few weeks - so it's amazing that you've noticed communication/calm/patience. I know from experience it's very easy to become complacent and let things go back to where they were. It happened to me several times and this time around I started SAA and saw a specialized therapist. It makes all the difference.

    As for the hentai/loli. It was never my "thing" but I've seen it and it can be pretty extreme. Lets be real though, regular porn can encapsulate a lot of the same themes of violence and control and rape (https://fightthenewdrug.org/porn-industry-isnt-just-selling-sex-its-selling-violent-abuse/)

    As I said before. Don't change who you are for him. Know your boundaries and what you're OK with and what you're not. Stick with them. It's one thing to have a rape fantasy and want your partner to roleplay once in a while. Everyone has something that gets them going, it's natural. It's another thing to reject your partner because they're not always in character for you. That's disrespectful and unfair and mean.

    Every couple will have mismatches when it comes to sex, money, kids, inlaws, etc etc etc. If he's unwilling to communicate and work with you, then that's a red flag. You're not a cartoon, you're not porn, you're a real person. If you want to help him fufill fantasies, do it, on your terms. If you don't want to, then don't do it. If he doesn't get what he wants, it's natural for him to pout, but don't let him make it feel like it's your fault.
     
  8. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    At the beginning of every relationship sex is all over the place. You are never going to have as much sex as you have in the firsts months of a relationship. It is normal that the amount decline over time.

    You want to have as much sex as you had before this all happened, but it just what happens in relationships. Everything is great at the beginning but then life happens and the fun in the bed take a back seat a little bit. It doesn't mean you are not going to get more than twice a week of sex but is not going to go back to 3 times a day.

    I've been there too.
    When you are too much into porn, porn become a stronger stimulus for the brain than sex, you know that you should persue sex over porn but your brain have a lot more rush and pleasure with porn than sex so it make you creave porn over sex.
    Thankfully when you leave porn behind or consume it sparingly your brain slowly go back to normal and you start to crave the real thing.

    Thankfully, I've never had one. I really don't think your boyfriend is in one either. From what I read he wouldn't be able to get it up to have sex if he is in a flatline, so maybe he is just rewiring his desires from porn to normal sex again... be patient.
     
  9. Thank you for sharing this and I wish I had a good answer for you. Hopefully things have gotten better in the week or so since you have written this.
    How should you feel about this? "Hurting sooo bad" is probably a very appropriate way to feel about it. :(

    I do not know you, your boyfriend or how long or how deep he went into his addiction, but my impression from reading your post is that there is nothing wrong with you and that it will probably take him a long time to heal. He obviously could use some professional help, but you might benefit from some help as well. Maybe see a therapist (like a CSAT - certified sex addiction therapist) or consider 12 step groups for partners of sex addicts like S-Anon or CoSA . . .

    The reason why I am writing is that I totally relate (or think I do) to your boyfriends perspective. In my mind, I associated porn with the images of women that I can't have . . . because I am watching them have sex with other men. I suppose that some men see porn as images of women that are very willing to have sex / imagine that these women want to have sex with them. In my case, I felt deep shame about my sexual desires for women (stems back to my childhood and being taught that men shouldn't have lustful desires for women) so being denied sex was a big turn on for me. Not sure if I explained that well, but I was aroused by not getting enough and by not being in control. If my partner denied me sex, then she had more control and then when we did have sex, it was clearly her choice, not mine . . . thus relieving me of the fear of being a sexual aggressor.

    I am afraid that you might be close to the mark with your assessment of your boyfriends thinking. I hope we're both wrong, but maybe his fantasies do revolve around dominating an unwilling partner - so he needs you to not want it so that he can feel the "power" of having his way with you. That sounds really twisted (as is my version where I would have fantasies of my girlfriend having sex with other men, thus wanting less sex from me) but . . . it sounds like you love him. And, probably for good reason. There's a reason why you are still with him and trying to work through this with him. Again, he would probably benefit from professional help or twelve step groups for sex addiction (maybe ask him sometime, besides just not looking at porn, what is he doing to recover from this addiction?) but by understanding his motives, it may be possible for you to still have satisfying sex with him by role-playing. There's a fine line, but it might be possible to tell him truthfully that you do have a lot of sexual desire for him, but that you are also willing to pretend like you don't want it for a little while if that'll help get him in the mood.

    I hope that helps!!
     
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  10. NoMilkNoSugar

    NoMilkNoSugar Fapstronaut

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    First of all I wanted to say that I read this thread and I really like the mature responses people give. And respect to the author that she cares about her guy enough to go on this forum, discuss the issue, try to help and find a solution.

    This may be silly and obvious, but it's him who should not PMO, not you, you seem healthy. Why don't you masturbate? You can be subtle about it: Instead guilttripping him ("You don't want to have sex so I'm gonna take care of things myself") just do it low profile.
     
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  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I’m going to answer this! Lol. Because it’s demeaning to play with myself when part of the reason I married was to have that need met. Not all of the reason, but yes, as a horny 22 yr old who believed sex was a gift from God, to be shared only with my spouse, it was a reason. Playing with yourself is unfulfilling, immature and leaves you empty. Before marriage, I masturbated and took care of those urges. Never knew the difference until after marriage, had sex and really no comparison. I also felt that it was stealing from him. I vowed to forsake all others, if I masturbated but then my husband did come home early and want sex, I’m not going to have the same desire. At all. It turns my focus away from him.part of marriage is the sexual component. Sex and masturbation are completely different acts. One is sharing and one is selfish. One focuses on a partner and one on self. It isn’t just about orgasm, it’s about connecting intimately and feeling/believing the person you’re with wants to connect with you and finds you desirable.
     
  12. NoMilkNoSugar

    NoMilkNoSugar Fapstronaut

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    She said in the opening post they are having sex 2x a week! She wants sex every day. It's not his job to satisfy that. You can't have meaningful intimate sex 7x a week, you need to take a break. If she is in the mood every day, she can take care of herself, nothing selfish about that.
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Although I agree to an extent, I’d argue that part of her drive is biological but part of it may be seeking the intimacy that is lacking in all areas of the relationship. I would’ve said I wanted sex every day and I did, however now that I’ve started menopause I have zero drive. So, my hormones were crazy and I could’ve had sex every day but would’ve been satisfied with a couple times a week. What I was really seeking was connection. I can’t answer for her, maybe she’s a sex addict as well lol but doesn’t know it.,I do know that between 20-40 my drive was insane and made worse by his rejection. She said they are having sex 2x a week since he stopped, perhaps she was starved for much longer before and the residual insecurities are still driving her to want more? Kinda like stuffing yourself when you’ve been deprived of food.
     
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  14. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I wanted more making love because we were not making love....So I thought it would be different, then it was the same ole, same ole, every time which left me feeling empty. Although when I was beeing sex starved anything seemed better than nothing.
     
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