The one battle to end all battles

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by ChangeMattersToMe, Oct 17, 2016.

  1. Greetings, fellow Fapstronauts!
    I am a PMO addict. Yesterday, I reached the 180 day milestone of no P, no P-subs, no M and no edging, with a total of only four O together with my wife. Since I already wrote a lot about my background and my ongoing struggles in my journal, there's no point in repeating everything, so I'll just summarize where I came from:
    I was a delusional asshole. I was selfish, lazy and emotionally disconnected from my wife and kids. The only enthusiasm I showed was for keeping my addiction alive. I was a filthy liar, trying everything to keep my addiction hidden. Even though my wife caught me red-handed numerous times, I managed to weasel myself out of it, always making false promises but never keeping them. I put my marriage, my family, my job, my whole life in danger, being completely oblivious to the consequences.
    Sadly, it took me more than a decade to reach rock bottom. A decade where my life and my marriage were stalling. Even today, I still haven't got a full grasp on what sorrow and despair I caused for my lovely wife. The woman I once fell in love with head over heels, back in those blissful days when the addiction hadn't got a firm grip on me yet. The woman that gave birth to our two wonderful kids. The woman that always remained true to her wedding vow, in good times as in bad, always suffering in silence while never ever giving up on me.
    Eventually, the day marking the turning point of my life arrived. By then, I had tried to stop my self-destructive behavior countless times already, to no avail. But on that day, I realized that if I don't stop now, I never will. I didn't even fully realize that I was addicted back then, but I admitted for the first time that I had a problem, and I started to refute my addicted reasoning, e.g. "I'm not harming anyone" or "Everybody does it", because it conflicted with the sorrow I caused. A few days later, I stumbled upon YBOP and Nofap, and suddenly all the pieces started to fit together perfectly, I really was a PMO addict.
    During the following few weeks, I was obsessed with the reboot. I literally spent days reading YPOB and I soon realized that there's no shortcut to this, that I simply couldn't half-ass it. I had to put in the effort to overcome this addiction, the more the better. I was fueled by inspirational posts on NoFap and by the honest support of my wife who rightfully felt that I changed. Failure was not an option for me any more! And lo and behold, things improved drastically. My feelings came back with a vengeance, when I wasn't able to feel anything for years. My laziness disappeared, I became a better husband and father, I became more attentive, less scatter-brained, without even trying! I rediscovered joy in mundane things, madly fell in love with my wife all over again, introduced new healthy habits like cold showers and working out.
    During the last 180 days, I often wondered why my reboot is so easy, absurdly easy, compared to others that are struggling everyday and relapsing every other week. Yes, there were urges, and yes, there were powerful flashbacks that I simply couldn't push away at first. There were some ugly Chaser-induced mood swings that hit me completely unprepared. But most of the time, racking up the days was a breeze. Only today did I realize why it was so easy, when I read through the first post of my journal again. I somehow managed to skip learning everything the hard way through countless relapses, introspection, rinsing and repeating. Let's take a look at what advice I share on my first journal post:
    Be aware that this was about 14 days into my reboot, and I don't have a single thing to add or change after 180 days. I'm fully aware that I'm posting in the "Success story" section and I'm not stressing this to show off, or to dishearten anybody, quite on the contrary. I'm telling you this because I'm living proof that resets and relapses are not an essential aspect of recovery. To be fair, I have a proficiency to obsess over new and exciting things, one of the reasons why I'm good at the job I do in IT, and luckily the addiction had failed to take that away from me. Whenever I try to conquer a new topic, I soak up each and every information there is, digest it and come up with a solution. If I failed to wrap my head around it fully, I try harder. If I get stuck, I change my angle of attack and try harder! The moment I acknowledged the other, addicted voice in my head, the one I simply couldn't tell apart from my real self, my logical thoughts, my reasoning, I was fighting tooth and nail to silence it, once and for all.
    I often hear people say (including myself) "Every reboot is different", but is it? Isn't every reboot exactly the same, but every addict is in different stages of his/her recovery?
    • "P is bad, but I still want to MO (to fantasy?)"
    • "PMO sucks, but I still want to O through real intercourse"
    • "I will never ever O again and it will be worth it!"
    I'm not saying that all O have to be avoided at all costs forever, but the nature of PMO addiction inextricably connected P to O (hence the name, deep, I know!), so any O with it's accompanying chaser effects inevitably jeopardizes the recovery. Many people never acknowledged the full destructive power of the chaser effect until they abstained long enough, me included. The insidious thing about the addiction and the chaser effect is that it's impossible to see how it affects you until you abstained long enough and apply enough self-reflection. For the last 90 days, I was convinced that I will never O again if I can't mitigate the chaser effect somehow. Seeing the negligible effects of my most recent chaser, I know that I will be fine as long as I don't stop working on myself.
    Finally, I have to thank everybody on this forum, and I mean everybody. This place is a sanctuary, a place for addicts to seek help, to discuss, to vent, to ponder, to give comfort and get good advice, and in my case, the place to go when I would look at P in my previous life. The sheer amount of kindness and selflessness, insight and wisdom, compassion and empathy displayed on here is second to none, and every single one of you is making this place a little bit better.

    If anything of this makes at least some sense to you, and you're not quite where you want to be in your recovery, take another look at my advice in the quote box. And if at first you don't succeed, try harder, as if your life depended on it. As a matter of fact, it does.
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2016
  2. Rc airplane

    Rc airplane Fapstronaut

    Wow thank you for the inspiration, I'm 13 days now without P or M or MO, now I have been making love to my wife more, orgasming two times every time we have sex now, 13 days is the longest I've been without P or M or using my thoughts to bring O while having sex with my wife...........I hope it's ok to make love to my wife and O through the making love, I hope that's not causing me more problems???
  3. Congratulations on 13 days. I'm not saying that you're doing it wrong, I saw numerous people on here that rebooted while still having regular sex with their SOs. But the danger of using your wife as a substitute for MO is still there, and you have no means of telling unless you commit to hard mode for at least a couple of weeks. The chaser messes with our brain chemistry for up to 7 days, and I know from my own experience (and the shared experience of others) that it takes at least a month of abstaining before you're able to see the difference. Nevertheless, all the best for you and your wife, keep fighting and never ever give up!
  4. Rc airplane

    Rc airplane Fapstronaut

    A question? I'm 37 and I've been PMO as long as I can remember, I haven't MO or P, or PMO, or used any thoughts to induce O, I'm rebooting myself I've been 13 days PMO clean M clean and MO clean it's the longest streak in my life, the question is I'm still making love to my wife but I'm staying totally in the moment I'm not letting my mind wonder and it's the most pleasurable experience I've had in years, we've had sex four times in the last week, I've O two times during our fun, total O 4 in a week, my question is I'm feeling like I'm becoming normal again with my rebooting, I'm growing and I can tell I'm changing, I feel like making love to my wife is totally ok because I'm doing it the right way (no PMO, no MO, and no using thoughts to induce O while making love to her, I'm O just to having sex and enjoying the moment with my beautiful wife) but is it ok to have that much sex with my wife during the reboot? She can tell a huge difference and she really really really enjoys the engaging that I'm doing now during making love, I feel like it's ok because nothing I'm doing is artificial and I'm not using it for a stress reliever or to help my emotional status?
    What is the chaser you're talking about??
  5. Rc airplane

    Rc airplane Fapstronaut

    Also bro my wife and I are spilt up, we've been split up for over a month now, not living together, she can tell a change in me and she offers for me to come over so we can make love, I mean I can give up PMO, M, and MO, but I can't resist when she offers for me to come over for a couple of hours, plus I feel like since it's when she decides and with my progress from abstaining from others, also I quit smoking cigarettes and quit drinking as well, I feel it's totally ok because I can tell I'm still making progress plus she can tell, we split because of my addiction, she can genuinely see a change in me especially when we're making love and I feel that warrants enough for us, ???
  6. The chaser is described on There is no right or wrong way to do your reboot, I just experienced some very ugly side effects after a single O following 80 days hard mode, and I heard similar things from others.
  7. Rc airplane

    Rc airplane Fapstronaut

    Ok thank you for that, I read it and I need to reevaluate everything and come up with a different plan, having sex with the wife to O is not what I need to be doing at the time from what the article said, the knowledge of all this is so helpful, thanks for sending me that link.
    ChangeMattersToMe likes this.
  8. badeae1

    badeae1 Fapstronaut

    Congratulations on the victory thus far. Its hard for me to digest the comment on pmo addictions being all the same. I do want to add though that the similarity lies in that we all take the same road to discover the tools that work. In the end I guess the lesson being: Take responsibility for your life and be good to yourself. Stay clean. Best of luck
  9. Andyst343

    Andyst343 Fapstronaut

    Great post and well done congrats to you.
    Like to ask you, did you have a flat line? im on day 78 and been in flat line nearly all of it since day 10-15, thought I was coming out of it a few days ago and I felt fantastic really good so relieved. Now for some reason im back in it so confused? and crappy feelings coming back, low mood, no motivation all that stuff, thought I was past all that.
    Like I said im on day 78 so not quite the 90 so bit way to go yet.
    Have you much experience of this ?
    Well done again all the best.
    ChangeMattersToMe likes this.
  10. Thank you very much! I have to admit, I never really experienced a flat line during my reboot. To be fair, I never had issues with PIED or DE before either. Even though I pretty much commited to monk mode in the first weeks, my libido was always there, only much more under control.
  11. Great post! You're absolutely correct about the chaser effect. I can say without a doubt the chaser effect caused majority of my countless relapses because I didn't understand or even know it existed! After reading about it in this site, I finally realized my main reason for relapse and how to not give into the chase. Honestly, it was easy after that! Understanding the chaser effect to me is probably one of the most important step in overcoming the addiction. Once I recognised when I was feeling the chaser effect, I simply conditioned myself to ignore it and know it would eventually go away, and it did! Its a big step in the recovery process that I believe a person must recognize in order to be in complete control. It can be done though. Just have to stick with it.

  12. Awesome awesome awesome ! Love your post. Its truly inspirational !

    Interesting observation you made on relaps and resets. I similarly haven't experienced any relapses or resets for the last 78 days since I decided to tackel this thing head on - have wondered a lot about this - was I just lucky or is it as a result of process ? Guess like you my IT background an hence an analytical brain and determination this time to try harder pulled me through. I have to agree with your comment that you think that every reboot is the same but its your take on how much you are going to risk or give up that will determine your success.

    Keep going and don't stop adding value here !
    ChangeMattersToMe likes this.

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