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The Only Lie is my Screen Name.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by dannylomora, Jul 6, 2016.

  1. dannylomora

    dannylomora Fapstronaut

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    I have been addicted to online porn since January of 2004; this first month broadband internet was installed in my home. I love porn, or at least I think I do. The countless beautiful women exposing their sexuality in countless ways. It turns me on, it stimulates me. I'm allowed to admit that, right? Maybe I don't love it, though. Maybe it's just a facade I use to block or hinder something deep inside my brain. That's what I have read, heard. But, I watch it every day, pleasure myself to it every day. The consequences of it? Well, let me see. I have not had regular sex ( I think they call it making love ) ever really as I've had porn induced ED since, January of 2004. I lost a wife who I loved very much, and professionally, I am nowhere.

    I watched porn long before 2004, by way of renting them at a local mom and pop video store. Few times a week for a few years. I would have sex on occasion, get lucky here and then, but mostly escorts. I masturbated a lot to the porn I rented from video stores, but I also masturbated a lot to HBO, magazines, etc. Never before January 2004, did I ever have an issue with Erectile Dysfunction. In March of 2004 I registered for a swingers website and began to communicate with a couple. We met for drinks, chatted, flirted. The woman was beautiful, late 30's, mature, homemaker who just had an unbound sexual appetite. Imagine a "MILF" porn, well, this is what I had in front of me at the bar that night. We go back to a hotel for adult fun, and, I got hard for about a minute and it went down fast. I tried to jerk myself to get hard, nothing. We stopped after about an hour and went our ways. The husband texted me later that "no hard" feelings, it was just nerves. It will be hard to believe, but for the next 8 years, this was my sexual routine. Not being able to get hard for sex. I always figured it was nerves. I have always been a scared/nervous person. My nickname on the high school football team was "Chicken" cause I could run fast and was scared to get hit.

    In 2012 by accident, I read an article on porn and porn induced ED; it was pretty earth shattering. I had never made the connection between the two. I finally figured out what was wrong with me. I was so relieved. After doing additional research, found out that I had to quit porn/masturbation for a couple of months, maybe 3 or 4. Simple enough, right? It's June 2016, and I am still pleasuring myself to porn, various times a day. I should note in between the past decade, I have lost a beautiful wife and much of my self esteem because of my porn addiction. I hate to minimize losing my wife to porn and it's resulting behaviors to just a sentence or two; but why dwell in it and promote such a horrid episode in my life. But if there's anything that I'm certain of, if not for porn, I would still be married to my ex wife, have a family, etc. But, I lost all that, because of porn.

    My longest spell of no porn/masturbation of the past 13 years was 18 days from May 15th of this year to early June; but even as I approached day 16,17, of no porn/masturbation. In the back of my mind, I knew it was only a matter of time before I went back at it. There was no doubt in my mind. I was so mentally beat.

    I still want to quit. I need to. They tell me on the other side of sexual normalcy there's this world of social decency, pleasure, and growth.
     
  2. MikeySean14

    MikeySean14 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck on your journey brother the community is here for you.
     
  3. dannylomora

    dannylomora Fapstronaut

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    Thank you.
     
  4. TacoKing

    TacoKing Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on taking the next step. I admire your strength.
    Look up the Fortify program. You may find it will help you a lot. Also, be active in the forums.

    Good luck!
     
    cenaclelove likes this.
  5. dannylomora

    dannylomora Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I am trying. If there's anything I learned fighting this, is I need a plan. My life is not a movie, where I have some spiritual awakening like some character in a movie, then goes and conquers the world. It does not work I like that. I have hoped for the past decade something like that would happen, but it's not. To beat this thing I need a plan. A plan built on ideas, strengths, resources, and faith. I went 18 days in May without Porn/masturbation; my longest streak in 15 years of my "addiction". I planned for it though, made myself mentally, emotionally and physically ready. I am ready to begin a new battle, even more prepared and determined. Have faith in me.
     
    f1rew1re, MikeySean14 and Dizzy Lotus like this.
  6. f1rew1re

    f1rew1re Fapstronaut

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    Danny,

    I can relate to your story. I have been experiencing PIED myself and haven`t been able to control my urges for the past 3 months.
    The longest i went without PMO was 60 days and then a relapse after relapse. I tried to justify my usage, spent countless hours of the day and night browsing through the internet to satisfy my fantasies.

    The net result is a loss of self esteem & self respect. I was a smoker for about 4 years and finally quit in 2014. It didn't take me 1% of effort the struggle to quit porn is taking. For the first time, i am questioning my ability to get rid of this habit having failed so many times. Haven't felt as shitty ever.

    As many of you said, it affects how you look at yourself, your friends and women in general. I can't quite say what it feels like to be loved by a women since the past proper relationship i had was back in college about 9 years back. And i genuinely miss that part of a relationship, the companionship, the friendship.

    Every person i have dated since then has resulted into breakups where i would chicken out after an initial spark of promise, i would attribute this to the easy availability of substitues such as internet porn and the world of tinder.

    On my previous streak i learnt there is hope and that you do feel emotionally available when you stop this senseless mechanisation of self abuse. I am trying to find hope for myself at this moment and the strength, discipline to fix this.

    All the good luck brother, i hope together we all can find it in ourselves to get on top of this addiction and control the part of sub consciousness that wants more of this drug.

    Cheers.
     
    Mark A. likes this.
  7. dannylomora

    dannylomora Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing. Sometime in 2011, before I discovered the porn/masturbation connection and the ED and pitfalls that come with it, I was working at a mental health facility while in grad school. I was just a tech, hung out with patients, etc. One day this patient came in and one of my co-workers said, hey Dan, you know why that patient is here, cause he can't stop masturbating to porn on the internet. I thought, wow, I masturbate to porn on the internet all the time, that guy must be pretty fucked up to end up in a mental health facility because of that. Some years later it occurred to me I was just as fucked up as that guy. But, that guy had the courage to get the help he needs. Here it is 2016 and I'm still fighting this thing. There's not to much I'm sure of in this world other then this. If there was a world championship tournament for guys who masturbate to porn continually and have fucked up their life because of it, well, I would be the number one contender to win it all. I don't say that as a joke, I say that honestly from the deepest part of my heart. Sit back and think about that for a minute.

    If this "addiction" was a drug, I would have been dead years ago. But, what it's really doing, is killing me slowly. Taken so many parts of my life from me. A wife, money, career, children I never had. But I still have hope. I am going to fight this thing until the end. I will win or die trying.
     
    f1rew1re likes this.
  8. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    Welcome m8!
    You have a good head and your reasons to stop are quite clear. Hang out around here, get help, then help others.

    I suffered from porn induced erectile dysfunction . We call it (PIED) here.
    I'm good now! I'm back on track.
    I almost lost my wife because of porn.

    Your addiction is caused by the desire to get more and more rewards in the form of orgasms and dopamine release...the reward circuit, a brain function, causes us to go back for more, in case of a pleasant sensation is known to be worth your time....

    Your brain is in need to more and more novelty. More stimuli...no real sex will match porn in terms of continuous stimulation. You can edge for hours watching porn....

    You have to stop watching porn, stop fantasizing, sanitize your thoughts, if possible stop masturbating for a while too...to give your brain the time to "reboot". Once your brain will be able to function without being filled with sex ideas and fantasies, you'll free yourself from that slavery. Then, you will re-learn how to be aroused by real sex.....

    It's possible, I just hit the "6 months clean" two days ago!

    My erections are up are running fine during real sex.
     
    f1rew1re likes this.
  9. TheHound

    TheHound Fapstronaut

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    I just started this journey myself and can definitely relate. Best wishes buddy!
     
  10. dannylomora

    dannylomora Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for that, yes, I know I my brain/body continually seek out the pleasure of orgasm to porn. It pretty much owns me in terms of if the opportunity is there, I have no self control. In May I went 18 days without porn/masturbation and I really didn't have withdraw, flatline, etc. There were a few times were I woke up with intense erections, rubbed myself, etc, but nothing close to masturbation. I also was helped by the fact I have terrible sex all the time. I don't want or mean to be vain, but I'm a pretty good looking guy, fit, and well endowed. I have many FWB's that I can see various times of the week. But my brain is so fucked, even on a day I know I'm going to have sex, I still masturbate to porn. I hate to get graphic, but this is how screwed over my brain is. Last week I had a threesome setup with two female friends of mine. That day I masturbated for about 4 hours to porn, so at night when it was time to shower, get ready, and make the 45 minute drive, I had no will or motivation to even get in the shower. So I cancelled it. Some guys would kill to be able to have sex with two women at the same time; but because of porn, I throw away these type of opportunities all the time.

    You can't win with porn, it will beat you every time. No doubt about it. Only hope it to just get rid of it and don't look back. I have formulated a plan to win and will use the strength and support of the board to do it. Thank you
     
  11. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    What you say is so true. It's because its so simple also.

    The reward circuit and the mammalian brain purpose are to reproduce the experiences you like and avoid the ones you don't...all addictions are feeding on the same old brain weakness....we are wired to procreate, to reproduce...and especially aroused by novelty...its hard in a couple...

    You sir seem to be addicted to sex and orgasms even more than porn itself. Porn is just a quick and dirty way to get your brain a shot of dopamine.....

    Read Cupid's poisoned arrow, I do right now.. Extremely good, explain a lot. It's changing my perspective on life, relationships, etc....
     
  12. dannylomora

    dannylomora Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I will........ Yes, I have always had a healthy sexuality, but is that a bad thing? It is when you mix it with porn and fantasy I have learned. I know of and have met so many females who's sexuality far exceeded mine, but they had a discipline and control to it. When it was time for sex it was time for sex, but life and the responsibilities that come with it are always first with them. I'm the opposite of it, porn, etc, come when I wake up, go to work, then porn when I go to sleep. I wasn't always so fucked up with porn and sexuality. I recall the last time I got an erection with a female before porn. It was late 2003, a female from work invited me to her place. We made out on her bed, my erection was intense, to the point she was like, of shit, your going to explode. I recall that vividly cause I could have had normal man sex with her. Every position, etc. That's the last time I could have had regular sex with a woman. Two months later I became addicted to internet porn.
     
  13. dannylomora

    dannylomora Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I will........ Yes, I have always had a healthy sexuality, but is that a bad thing? It is when you mix it with porn and fantasy I have learned. I know of and have met so many females who's sexuality far exceeded mine, but they had a discipline and control to it. When it was time for sex it was time for sex, but life and the responsibilities that come with it are always first with them. I'm the opposite of it, porn, etc, come when I wake up, go to work, then porn when I go to sleep. I wasn't always so fucked up with porn and sexuality. In 2003 Craigslist was in it's infancy and average women would post up posts looking to make quick money for rent, car payment, etc. I recall meeting this gorgeous woman who needed money for her car payment. I agreed to give her $200 for a full night of sex. She wasn't an escort, etc. I went to her place, we drank wine. I had the most incredible sex for 5 hours, just Fucking incredible. I recall leaving her apartment and stopping at a gas station for water; my body was drained of all energy and strength. I recall standing outside the night and thinking, that was some fucking incredible sex. This was the last time I had sex with a woman like a man is meant to have sex with a woman. I had natural erections, she asked to get on top, she rode me on a chair. I have not been able to do anything close to that since the PIED from internet porn. I also recall the last time I got an erection with a female before I became addicted porn. It was late 2003, a female from work invited me to her place. We made out on her bed, my erection was intense, to the point she was like, of shit, your going to explode. I recall that vividly cause I could have had normal man sex with her. Every position, etc. That's the last time I could have had regular sex with a woman. Two months later I became addicted to internet porn.
     

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