The origin of my habits.

A long time ago, I discovered masturbating and the orgasm. It brought pleasure in the most innocent way. The end result was something I never felt before. It relaxed my body, made me calm and I felt ok.

Life continued and like anybody's life, there were issues and difficult times. No longer out of pure curiosity and exploration, I employed the orgasm, the physical release and release of chemicals in my brain, like a happy pill, to combat my fear, to sedate me during difficult times.

Time went on and I somehow fooled myself into thinking that I was doing it for pleasure. But in fact the fear was still there. Now there was the abundance of feel-good chemicals and fear inside of me, creating a conflict. This is why I felt like two different people. This is why my body felt split in half.

As life's difficulties became greater, so did my addiction. With porn, I was able to experience this pleasure in stereo, and over time I just wanted it louder, and louder.

Today I am able to see this. I am able to see that I do not like acting out because it feels good, but because I do not want to feel everything else. I do it for that intoxicating orgasm. And when the pleasure lessens from over-doing it, I move further into the taboo to get my fix. And when I have been able to abstain for awhile, I am again tempted by fresh chemicals, inviting me into a relapse.

But today I am older. I am growing up and life will go on with or without me. I have responsibilities. I'm in a position to care for others. In a way, it is life or death.

And this is where it becomes most difficult, the task of knowing myself, and accepting myself, and curbing those habits. And I can't do it alone. Keep going my friends. I need you.