The pain with my ex gf gets less and less

Today I wrote a goodbye letter for my gf. I did not send it, but it helped me to cry again a lot and feel reliefed. After I wrote the letter, and cried really hard, I went outside with the letter and my used hankies and burned them. And as I felt the warm of the fire, I felt better. I hatge porn now a lot. Because I know now how it feels for a woman, or my future gf, when I watch porn: it is really hurtful.

I went to the city today for a walk, to lower my cortisol, cause that stress is hindering me to sleep or to eat. And I saw many couples. And one couple was behaving like I did with my ex. They laughed, made jokes, kid themselves, and he always spanked her ass cause he couldn’t resist, like me.

But now I am to scared to start a new relationship. I don‘t want to feel this pain again. Boy do I hate pain. I am scared not to be good enough. Not make her feel loved. All the things that I gave my ex. But now she is lost and I don’t want her back. I lost her. But she did also not loved me anymore, because of my mistakes.

The pain numbs my motivation. I cannot enjoy video games, I cannot enjoy youtube. I just feel a pain, that is continoues, altouhgt it is slowly getting weaker. But the pain, to lose a girl, that you loved like she is the only one, is brutall. I hope i can continues this. I hope I can ...

 

Yes I have many friends who help me and listen and encourage me. But I sometimes need time alone. And I can not alway cry. I wish I could. Every day it gets easier. But also every day the pain comes and it makes ma apathic, no motivation.

Porn made everything worse. I don´t want to see it. I hate it, but my body gets urges to relief the stress that the situation brings. I don´t want to do it, I dont want to be bind by porn. I want to be free from it. Really free. Completely free.

 

What I like about the Situation, it really helped me to understand, how a woman will feel, when her man watches porn. It is really hurtful fpr a woman, the feeling of not beeing good enough, trustworthy. It ruins a relationship. And now thanks to that i hate porn. I don´t want to watch it. I MOed when the pain was to big. But it made it only worse and I even regret that. I don´t to binge surfing anymore, I can not visit sites to entertain myself like youtube or 9gag, I eat a lot less, I dont want to eat (kinda good that i loose my weight thou). Many things are pointless for me now.

I will take the new relationship way more serious, so far serious that I am already afraid of starting a new one and fail again.
I am just scared.