The papers want to know whose shirts I wear.

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by MajorTom, Jan 2, 2018.

  1. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    I figure right about now is a fair time to give my first "Success Story"

    I've been off porn and masturbation for 120+ days.

    Some things I've noticed:

    I don't often get depressed for no reason. Things still get to me, but they are the kinds of things which would get to anyone. I'm not immune to life's stressors by any means, but I am equipped and emotionally balanced enough not to retreat into my own little sulk-corner.

    It's true that I am more confident in conversations and hold eye contact better. It's also amazing how quickly the change 'normalizes'. It doesn't seem weird to me that I can talk to good looking girls that I just met without getting flustered. This is just me now.

    My sex life with my wife is much more satisfying. There's a rhythm to my libido now. I find myself availing myself of her services more often.

    I'm a more stable husband and father now. I am the rock that my family clings to for stability, now more than ever.

    What has helped me:

    1) The name of Jesus. I had a real addiction (read: demonization) but the compulsive "You have no choice" urge left me when it was ordered to leave in His name. I encourage anyone who is having a real problem not relapsing to seek out a deliverance minister/exorcist and seeing whether or not that is a part of the problem.

    2) This forum. Making it my -almost- daily habit to come here and hold myself accountable; together with the support of the people I've met here, has made all the difference.

    3) My decision to take this journey independently of my wife. Your mileage may vary, but my wife is deeply hurt by my usage of porn. She is simply not equipped to 'help' me on this path by being understanding, because she has never struggled with it. And her emotional reactions of hurt and confusion do nothing to mask my wicked desires, they only amplify them and trigger me. I had to make the decision that I would not purposefully involve her in my journey for self-mastery. Once I made the decision not to tether my walk to her ups and downs, it became a bit easier on me. This isn't advice, just testimony. If you have a wife and feel she would be an asset, by all means involve her.

    4) My wife: Not going to lie. Nofap is easier when you have a legitimate outlet for sexual feelings. Sorry. Not just from a 'release of pressure' standpoint, but even the built up pressure is easier to bear when you know that you will, probably sooner than later, be having sex. If you have a wife, I strongly advise making use of her whenever you have opportunity. I also strongly advise MAKING opportunity. One of my usual triggers was waking up in the middle of the night, knowing I needed to sleep but being unable to. And knowing that masturbation was a good way to get tired again led to a lot of late night/early morning M sessions. Now, if I wake up like that I will shamelessly wake her up to take care of me at 2:30 in the dang morning. Trust me, she would rather lose a little sleep here and there than have a man that needs to sneak around and PM just to make it through the night. It may seem discourteous, but if it weren't a real need and hunger, I probably would have never gotten married in the first place, and we wouldn't be posting on a forum about it, would we?

    Disclaimer: 120 days sounds like a lot... Particularly if you're in the iron grip of a daily habit, but in the real world that's called 4 months. I don't consider myself to have truly attained the NoFap lifestyle. I only feel emboldened to write a success story at this point because I feel there have been significant changes in my life: Enough to report on, anyways.

    Edit: Oh I quit smoking 3 months ago too. Thought I'd mention...
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2018
  2. Exponential Power

    Exponential Power Fapstronaut

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  3. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much for talking about your success @MajorTom
    It's an inspiration and motivation for the rest of us!
     
    MajorTom likes this.
  4. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Not to take anything away from your amazing success, it is a remarkable achievement to be 120 days PM free, but I personally am having a hard time reconciling your #4 in my own life.

    You say "shamelessly wake her up". Am I misreading this or do you actually have shame? If there is shame isn't it perpuating the whole sexual addiction cycle? I guess I wonder if my mind is really reset if I just wait it out until my next 'wife hit'.

    Is craving your wife and needing her services any different to the mind's eye, than self fullfilment? I know Yes it's a real person etc. But I also know you can be in the act of sex and be very much removed from her as well.

    One of the last great hurdles I'm seeing in my journey is that of giving love in our bed, not taking it. It's a subtle thing and only has to do with my mindset. The brain is a strong muscle to master. I hope to never have my wife service me, it seems that is the only true way I would know I was healed.

    Again amazing job on your so-far success. You are an inspiration and I wish you the very best. God Speed!
     
  5. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    Whereas before I would have felt bad about interrupting my wife's sleep schedule, I no longer let that deter me from waking her up for sex, if that makes it clearer. I no longer actually feel bad for that sort of thing, so no shame.

    Agreed. Self-fulfillment is entirely the point of waking her up and giving her the sex. Or taking the sex. Whichever you prefer. It is nothing other than me acting on my selfish desires.

    For sure. My wife was concerned that I might be thinking of other things than her during sex. Obviously she was concerned that I was thinking of other girls because she wasn't good enough. She was shocked to discover that I'm often thinking of non-sexual things in order to prolong my performance.

    Very admirable!

    We obviously have some philosophical differences between us, as I believe that it is a husband's duty to pleasure his wife and a wife's duty to pleasure her husband; so for me it is a sign of a healthy relationship to see my wife as a sex object. (Many other things, to be sure, but a sex object nonetheless)

    I feel you are a more... romantic? kind of a guy. Or at least one with romantic ideals? I seem to be missing the parts required for that kind of thing, but I admire your striving for selfless devotion to your wife in all things.

    I also feel like I'm coming across as cold or distant to my own wife. We laugh, snuggle, and watch anime together. We have our own cutesy language that we use with each other. But when I am hungry I want meat and when I am horny I want..errr... "booty" and I don't think I'm going to try to change that. Sex is a normal and natural desire. It is I who takes and she who desires to be taken. She does not feel slighted when I use her for my own desires. She wants me to use her and would be sad if I didn't want to use her.
     
    Trappist, Truegamer007 and Reverent like this.
  6. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the clarification @MajorTom.

    I see the big difference between us is our wives' attitudes on the matter. But I sincerely appreciate your POV. I will be bookmarking this thread for future reference. Thanks.
     
    Truegamer007 and MajorTom like this.
  7. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Truegamer! I sincerely hope so!
     
    Truegamer007 likes this.
  8. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    That is awesome haha :D
     
    MajorTom likes this.
  9. MonkeyPuzzle

    MonkeyPuzzle Fapstronaut

    Many congrats on your success Tom, you deserve it. I think your journal was the first I followed here on nofap and I chose well it seems! Following your journey has been a great help to my own nofap journey and we're pretty much on the same number of days. Should probably get around to writing my own success story too.. anyway, really happy for you and thanks for being a great nofap buddy and wishing you continued success.
     
    MajorTom likes this.
  10. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    Oh yeah. We're huge weebs.. lol
     
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  11. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! I'm really glad to have you as a nofap buddy too! I look forward to reading your success story!
     
  12. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    :D:D:D

    I honestly thought my wife would be cranky about it and be upset about the interruption of her sleep. I don't know why I thought that way. After 13 years and three kids, she's been woken up about one million times by children with horrifying emergencies, and she's learned to take that with patience and grace. A midnight embrace is much more pleasant than a diapersplosion.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  13. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    That's amazing! I wish you much success!
     
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  14. pencilvester

    pencilvester Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing! I’ve been struggling with whether to involve my wife in this. I’m leaning towards not, since I don’t think that the benefits would outweigh the damage it would cause to our relationship. So it was great to see your perspective. Well done mate.
     
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  15. Dogwood

    Dogwood Fapstronaut

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  16. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

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    You've really made the grade.
     
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  17. Gideonite

    Gideonite Fapstronaut

    Congrats on your success brother! You've accomplishes what most of us haven't, so you should really be happy. But I understand that you have to keep humble in these stages because I don't think one can be fully recovered from this. Quitting smoking is a big achievement on its own. May God be with you on your continuous path.

    Gideonite
     
    MajorTom likes this.
  18. Son of Midgaard

    Son of Midgaard Fapstronaut

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    Great reading! You Sir are a true blessing, inspiration and source of insight in this process I and many with me are going through.

    Let's hope this lifestory continues on and remains in the "success stories" column forever.
     
    MajorTom likes this.
  19. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    120 days is amazing, well done.

    There are a few things that trouble me about your story though. I don't want to piss on your bonfire but some of the way you present things reads like the thoughts of someone whose mind is still very much shaped by pornography. Perhaps I am not being fair. Sorry. Here's what I mean.
    In porn we get the impression that men have a right to sex and that women are always available to service men's sexual 'needs'. Outside porn, in the real world, neither of those things are true. But you write as if they were.

    Perhaps a man who was strong enough to let her sleep and make it through the night without caving in to porn would be even better. You are at 120 days now, you have proved that you are strong.

    Over in another thread you said
    We are the ones who have betrayed our wives, either their trust or their understanding of what love implies, it is not for us to forbid them this or that, nor to decide what updates and assurances they need.

    See how strong you are?

    Read this back. Does it sound like the words of someone free of ‘porn brain’?

    It might be just a language thing, but the objectification you imply here seems all wrong. Sure, we find our wives sexy, we love them and their bodies, but the word sex-object implies more than that. It implies the same objectification we experienced using porn.

    Are you sure? I think she might find the term “use her” unsettling.

    Those last two bits are a relief. Perhaps it is just a language thing. Perhaps the language you are using, which to me sounds porn addled, to your wife and you is perfectly compatible with love and care. I hope it’s that.

    But perhaps a good night’s sleep would be best of all?

    I am sorry, turning up on a ‘success story’ thread and being all negative.
     
    im_alive, Xander74 and anje like this.
  20. leo da king

    leo da king Fapstronaut

    Good luck on your journey!!! :) (I'm 13 at 282 days)
     

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