The path to freedom

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Zenseeker, May 6, 2021.

  1. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Like many of us here, I have a long history of PMO. I guess it started 4 decades ago when I found my Dad's "playboy" stash under his bed. 20 years later I found internet porn. Yes, I am an addict. And what is the solution for addicts? Change of mind! And discipline! During the last 3 years I have been coming out of my "mid life crisis" very gradually. It started in 2018 with a decision to quit consuming alcohol, which always was a major "trigger", and through the AA program I was led to discover a new path, a path to freedom. This path to freedom is through a "change of mind", which in my opinion is essential for success, and when I say success, I mean a life without bondage, a life without bondage to anything!
    I have learned that the mind is a powerful tool that can be used in a creative and "good" way, however it takes practice, as with anything that requires skill. The question is: do I want to control my mind or do I want my mind to control me?
    Since my "AA birthday" Nov. 5th 2018, my PMO episodes have steadily declined, typically 10 day clean streaks alternating with PMO caused by stressful events or triggers like depression or sexual "urges". This last winter was a transformation. I spent much time alone, in sort of a self-imposed isolation. My time was spent focusing on changes in diet, exercise, sleep patterns and reading books that primarily deal with philosophical and Spiritual issues. Also, meditation and self-contemplation. The result of these activities is that I have re-discovered a part of my "self" that lay dormant for 3 decades, 3 decades of a troubled marriage, raising children, working, you know, the typical modern struggle of being a "husband" and "father". The beauty of re-discovering this part of my "self" is that I can now combine it with all of the lessons I've learned during the last 30 years.
    During the last 6 months I've had sporadic PMO instances, but finally, on April 5th 2021 I decided to do the same thing that I did on Nov. 5th 2018, namely quit for good. Has it been easy? No, life is not easy. But it has been a major confirmation to me that the timing was absolutely perfect! These last 30 days I wrote daily in my thread on the "Re-booting" forum and time has flown by so fast like never before.
    "Discipline" can not be understated for an addict, because addicts are prone to "triggers", and when I encounter them or the notorious "urges", that's when discipline kicks in, or like my buddy said who used to box for a living: Roll with the punches!
     
  2. rsgaa

    rsgaa Fapstronaut

    keep it up man, you are surely traveling on the path of freedom.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2021
  3. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Addiction sucks.
    I have had an addictive "mindset" for a very long time, combined with being obsessive-compulsive, life has been a struggle. I have a tendency to look back at my past and allow those memories to affect me, and unfortunately sometimes I will get caught in the web of "what if...". I assume many people do this, but it can be a barrier to moving forward. I remember that when I was in my teens I received quite a few sexual advances from girls that I did not heed, and then later regretted that I didn't respond. At the time I was somewhat timid, and I had already formed a fantasy life that was much easier to live in than actually interacting with real women. That fantasy life is what I became addicted to. Of course alcohol and other "drugs" fit right into that equation and became "triggers".
    I ended up marrying a girl who fit nicely into that fantasy world, because she had the sexual characteristics that I had dreamed about in my fantasies. However good that might sound, both of us had an enormous amount of emotional "baggage " that we could not help each other with, and eventually the relationship became very difficult and stressful. Add four children to the mix....enough said. Anyways 30 years later, children are adults and thankfully all four turned quite well, they are smart kids and I love them so much, but the wife and I now have nothing in common and she lives her life and I live mine. No sex in years, and that's fine. We still reside on the same property but pretty much separated.
    She is still clinging to old religious ideas and I have moved on to a path of Spiritual Enlightenment. I am "shedding" the old paradigm, Western societal norms and have discovered some absolutely amazing truths about the mind and about consciousness. My hope is that I will eventually have a "good" relationship with my wife, but quite honestly I have not done well living in a household with a family or with other people in general. What I have finally realized is that I am fundamentally a loner and even though I do enjoy occasional social gatherings, I do much better spending the majority of time in solitude. The wife and I have slept in separate beds, actually in separate buildings, for years now. I built a little apartment in my shop. And to be quite honest, I sleep so much better now. I have regular patterns that are now built in, and very rarely do I need an alarm to wake me up. The daily rhythms of sleep and diet that I now engage in have been part of my Spiritual journey that started in AA in 2018.
    So, back to addiction, do I still have the "addiction mind"? Unfortunately yes, and I am constantly vigilant! A very simple technique that I have learned during "trigger" episodes is to breathe and focus only on my breath. This is ancient yogic stuff and it works. Another "visual" technique that I came up with is when "shit" starts piling up in my mind, I will take all that shit, like worry, anxiety, depression, hopelessness etc. and force it into a burning spiral and then I will meditate on that image of a burning spiral.
    Yes, I am on the path to freedom and I hope that my "virtual" fapstronaut buddies here are on their path to freedom!
     
    eagle rising and Metis07 like this.
  4. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    There is the "real" world and the "imagination". But is there really a distinct difference? When I look at a situation in life I see my reality, and the next person may look at the same situation and perceive a different reality. So there seems to be an element of imagining a "real" world...so maybe it's not all black and white, maybe there is much more grey area. The reason I point this out is because I used to get into big debates with people over things, issues etc. I would take a stance and then defend it. But I have learned that this method of interaction does not help my recovery at all. There is something very liberating about the notion of fully opening up to receive new information and revelation and simply putting myself in the position of constant learning, similar to a child that is learning how to walk or speak. That is essentially what I've had to do....learn how to live life all over again. Doing this in my late 40's has been quite humbling I must say. I have changed, I've lost weight, grown out my hair, I don't speak as much as I used to, and actually smile or laugh sometimes. I bought a little sports car and I love riding my pedal bikes again. Yes, I have changed, but I still struggle with an addict's mind and I still look at women as sexual fantasy objects, so I have much to learn and I must remain vigilant, because my mind will play tricks on me. When a woman smiles at me, I typically draw conclusions....and that can easily turn into a lengthy sexual fantasy, which in the past would have evolved into a PMO session. Now I am able to put a lid on it before it gets out of control. The interesting thing that I've discovered is that if I allow "fantasy" or "imagination" to mingle with "reality", it makes life more enjoyable. I do see much more grey zone than "black and white" now!
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  5. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    There is an old rock song that goes something like: "life is just a fantasy, do you want to live a fantasy life?.....". I touched on mingling fantasy with reality in my last post and I think we all do it without maybe fully realizing that we are engaging in it. My problem has been to lean too heavily on the side of imagination. As with everything else, balance is key. Excessive fantasy can be dangerous or very useful. In my case, I was never much for small talk and especially with women, I've had a very difficult time because I get straight to the point which can come across as rude. So I am learning how to speak to people in a way that I have never done, which requires attention and listening to another person's story. I have spent way too much time in my own head! I have had many imaginary conversations with people, essentially making them dreamlike figures that I molded into what I perceived them to be. So my sexual addiction, which was purely a dream, was easy to combine with internet porn, I was simply adding video footage to the fantasy! Actually engaging with people in "reality" can be nerve wracking for me, so this is a big challenge. Also, learning how to engage in creative imagination like inventing business models or philosophy, those can be useful and fulfilling. I am practicing a new perception, namely seeing other people as simply fellow humans struggling to make ends meet and survive in a confusing world. I am on a path of learning, wellness and sexual health. I urge my fellow nofappers to follow the path to freedom.
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  6. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    It's ironic how lonely life can be in a world full of people!
    I know that I am part of that problem, to be honest, there are only eight people that I like, my four children, their spouses and my grandchild. So yes, I am part of the problem!
    I know that having a healthy dose of love for humanity goes a long way towards healing from sexual addiction or in our case porn addiction. The porn videos are full of sadism and masochism, which are the opposite sides of the same coin, which is inflicting or receiving pain in a sexual environment. Honestly, I have always leaned towards the sadistic sexual fantasies myself, but there is another part of me that says it's all destructive. Do these types of behaviors help improve human relationships? No, they don't. Do they temporarily satisfy egotistical, perverted desires? Yes.
    Is it good to deny ourselves a form of pleasure for the "greater good"? Yes, I believe so.
    So, what is the pursuit of happiness anyways? The "American Dream"? Whatever you want to call it....
    In my opinion, it is freedom from bondage and the liberty to pursue goals in life without harming others (or ourselves)
    I remember when I was about twelve, I thought I wanted to be a jet pilot. Instead, 2 years later I was consuming excessive alcohol and getting into trouble with so-called "friends". Well, there went that dream.
    I don't think I ever set a goal to pursue viewing porn and masturbating. There were external circumstances that contributed to this behavior and honestly, I wasn't given the tools as a child to deal with the bullshit family life that I was raised in, however, when I became an adult, I "knew better", so, at some point, it's my own damned fault!
    But again, in order to embrace the "real world" (whatever that is), I know that I must change the way that I look at people....am I practicing the "Golden Rule"??????
    Onward to Liberation and Freedom!
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  7. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    The description under "Success Stories" reads: "Has quitting porn or excessive masturbation changed your life?"
    Yes, it has. I would add "quitting alcohol" to that list as well. Also, "no masturbation" rather than "excessive masturbation". Alcohol has always been a trigger for me, so it's closely tied to my porn addiction. I have decided to eliminate masturbation, porn and alcohol out of my life. I have replaced these things with a pursuit of Zen. To me, Zen is the ultimate state of being; it is the "philosopher's stone", it is the treasure at the end of the rainbow, it is the freedom that everyone longs for and guess what? It's all accessible through the mind!
    The mind is the pathway to consciousness, pure consciousness, the same consciousness that pervades the universe. Good or bad, up or down, black or white, left or right....it's all the same, it's all opposite sides of the same coin. Once you figure that out, you're basically a free man or woman. You are free to explore and play. You are free to do whatever you want or to not do whatever you don't want to do.
    Does anyone really want to sit in a dark cave and jerk off to porn? I don't think so.
    Do people dream about being superheros? Yes, they do.
    The beauty of Zen is that you can add it to anything: Zen meditation, Zen driving, Zen walking etc.
    I have desired a "state of mind" that allows me to handle life in an easy manner, even though life is not easy, but rather difficult. But even though life is hard, we don't have to be hard. One way to get started is by slowing down. Slowing way down. When I slow down I can observe the thoughts, images and imaginations that come flashing through my mind and evaluate them from a grounded and sober perspective.
    That was the first thing I learned in AA: SLOW DOWN
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  8. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Slowing down is definitely a big part of recovery for me.
    Slow, deliberate movements...slow deliberate thoughts. These last two years I have been discovering my core being, and when you do that you discover how unique every person really is!
    Oh yes, society loves to categorize and brand, and we have been duped into thinking that is how we identify, namely that we belong to this group or that "tribe" or that religion or this political orientation. The problem with this is that once you have done this, then you have to defend it, and then we become rigid and closed to learning.
    My core being is not religious or political, rather it is consciousness that is evolving.
    I was listening to a podcast by a physicist who claimed that based on his studies, man is actually "devolving", that is the physical species of homo sapiens. Our brains and physical statures were at their peak size about 20,000 years ago and have been shrinking ever since. So, in other words, we, as a species, are on the down hill side and we have already experienced our peak or heyday. I tend to believe this. However, universal consciousness is constantly expanding, so we will eventually be extinct or evolve into something different. These are sobering thoughts, are they not?
    The pursuit of sexual gratification is really a primitive thing, it's a species thing, an instinct that is built-in.
    However, connecting with another human being on a Spiritual level is a higher pursuit, and I think sexuality, or rather a healthy sexuality can play an important role in this. The ancient Indian Tantric practices do include sexual interactions that can be quite Spiritual...connecting with a woman like this would be very nice, but both male and female participants would need to be actively pursuing this kind of connection. It's a far cry from the typical Hollywood "wham bam thank you Mam" sex act which lasts about five seconds and then it's over, leaving the participants confused and in an emotional daze. It's so stupid, how sex is depicted in popular culture! Yes, we are de-volving for sure!
     
    eagle rising and SlimTeleGuy like this.
  9. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Layers of perception can be an impairment or allow us to view a larger picture.
    I think it depends on how "open-minded" we are.
    The physical state of being is one of these layers, the physical world of the senses, or the 5 typical senses. When we speak of a "sixth sense", what are we referring to? An unknown world, a world of intuition, another layer....
    I have created a "higher power" that I call my "Zen Master". You can use whatever you want, like "God", "Creator", the "Lord" etc. whatever you higher power is.
    When a person initially enters the world of AA meetings, that person is told that he or she must subordinate to a higher power, even if that higher power is the AA group itself. The NoFap "community" could take this role, even though I wouldn't recommend it, because there are a lot of idiots in these forums. It's all online, not enough accountability.
    However, in the AA group there is real accountability with real people. So that's at least a start.
    I cam out of the so-called "Christian church" and had to re-define my higher power or "guiding" power. After a few years of reading, searching, investigating etc. I found mine, my Zen Master. My Zen Master is created by me, just like "God" is created by whatever religious group you belong to. My Zen Master has been my "Savior".
    Zen Master has taught me how to find the path to freedom, freedom to follow Nature.
    So, from a natural "perspective" or "perception", are we sexual beings? Yes.
    Do we have to come to terms with our sexual nature? Yes.
    Should we pursue a healthy sexuality? Yes.
    What exactly is a healthy sexuality????
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  10. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    What is a healthy sexuality?
    I think sexuality can be expressed in many different ways, for example: movement like dance, sports and various athletics; and any other way that expresses your particular male or female characteristics. These characteristics compliment each other. To be sure, both males and females have a masculine and feminine side, based on hormonal and societal influences, maybe even genetic ones. Masculine and feminine are not the same as male and female. Males can be quite feminine and vice versa. These may be cultural influences as well.
    Sexuality can be complicated, but as a rule of thumb, for me personally, I am pursuing the path of Nature, and Nature teaches me many things....
    A repressed sexuality is not good, I would say that for most of us on these forums, we have a repressed sexuality. Spending time in front of a screen watching "porn stars" and fapping is not a healthy sexuality.
    With the warmer Spring temps I am going shirtless as much as possible and soaking in the sun. I am not ashamed of my body, even though it's not perfect and I still have some extra fat around my waist, but we as humans are made of elemental earthly substance and we need air, water and sun.
    You can look at a person's complexion and tell if they are generally healthy or not.
    The more I express my personal sexuality in a healthy way, the less tempted I am to engage in PMO.
    How am I doing this? Primarily through movement but also expressing my natural self in relationships. Rather than using a "persona", I am simply being myself. What does that mean? Every day I get new revelation on what that means, but this path is leading me to a different career field, not centered around money, but centered around personal expression that satisfies my inner being.
    I am learning that I can simply do whatever I want, I am on the path to freedom.
    I don't care what other people think about me, and this is helping me to find compassion and love for others.
    Two things that I learned in AA are 1.Slow down and 2.Love yourself first
    Both of these concepts have been absolutely essential for my recovery!
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  11. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Does it matter whether you have a "squeeze" (a sex partner) if you are a porn addict? No. Because the squeeze will never measure up to the scenarios and options available in internet porn. I had a "squeeze" for 3 decades and it made no difference at all. I still craved porn!
    What is required to beat this addiction? Change of mind! I can't say it enough. Discipline alone will not do the trick. OK, at least for me. Discipline is basically forcing yourself to abstain from or adhere to actions. Forcing only works for so long, and then I get worn out. When the mind becomes convinced of something, and there is no doubt involved, then there is no discipline required. Does that mean discipline will never be required? No, because we slip and we fall back into old patterns, because of the ruts. Beware of and be mindful of the ruts! Discipline is a good tool to have in the arsenal when needed but shouldn't be the constant default mode.
    Unrestricted flow of energy is like a river. Water is very adaptable and will flow around and through things, but it can also be very forceful at times. I love the analogy of the river being akin to the flow of life energy. There are channels of energy throughout the body, that can be enhanced through movement and meditation. As PMO addicts we wasted much of this precious energy by having orgasms and ejecting semen. I now understand the importance of harnessing this powerful substance. I liken orgasm to a euphoric Spiritual experience, and just like with the use of psychedelics, there is a proper time and place for rituals. In modern Western culture we have cheapened everything. Nothing seems to be sacred anymore. What if we re-discovered the sex act as sacred?
    The path to freedom requires a complete change in the way we think (or not think)!
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  12. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    I like reading this thread. It is like watching the sunrise. :emoji_thumbsup:
     
    Zenseeker likes this.
  13. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    I love watching the sun rise in the mornings. It's so powerful!
    The sun gives me "libido". It is a physical manifestation of universal energy and we can't live without it.
    Since I have been on the path to recovery, I have adjusted my routines to coincide with daily sun cycles. I pretty much get up with the sun and bed down shortly after sunset. If I am home I will do a short "siesta" around mid-day which is actually around 1 pm now because of "daylight saving time". Sun worship has been practiced for ages in different ways, and it only makes sense, because our bodies do have the natural cyclical rhythms built in. I believe we are affected by moon cycles and phases and also other astronomical things that happen out there....
    I know it's a popular teaching now to shut down electronics before bedtime, but that is my movie time. There are always things that can be improved, and maybe some day I will quit watching streamed motion pictures, but "one thing at a time" for me, night time movies are still a form of comfort and entertainment for me. I don't necessarily avoid sex scenes, since I have had a different perception lately, they aren't really triggers anymore, generally, it depends on the type of interaction between the actors. But I do thoroughly enjoy stories about slightly disturbed female detectives or cops that get very emotionally entangled with their cases. I have a strong attraction to these types of women. Not sure why. Maybe because they are the loner types. So, yes it's another form of feeding the imagination and not living entirely in "reality", but again, what is reality?
    Oh shit, what a topic! Is it only what we perceive through our physical senses or is it the entirety of what we perceive in our minds including more subtle sensation, physical senses, imagination etc. A lot of grey zone there. Dreams, movies, thoughts, memories and daily activities perceived on the "physical" plane or "level"....they all influence me, and of course other universal or cosmological phenomena, and then there is the "collective unconscious"!
    I do wonder sometimes what is "real" and what isn't.
    Yes, one of the personality tests I took last year pegged me as a "dreamy philosopher", and I think that is quite accurate, and for so many years I tried to be something different. The "Christian family man" was not a great persona for me, I did try, but you know, every one of us has a best fit and that one was far from being mine for sure.
    I have attempted a few times to imagine myself as a "porn actor", but no way!
    I think it's more of a combination of Shaolin monk, woodsman and hermit.
    But honestly, we all need human connection in some way, I know that, and my past relationships have not been great. Porn addiction is partially a substitution for healthy human relationships, so the further I can get away from it the more it will help me to work harder at forming bonds with other humans. Yesterday I engaged in a completely "worthless" conversation with a group of people at the local lake, but was it "worthless"? Does it really matter what exactly was said? Or was it enough to simply engage with them in a friendly manner?
    What is more important? Experience or thought? IQ or emotional intelligence?
    My path to freedom will require me to consider this question deeply!!!!!
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  14. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Yes, many missed opportunities. But that's life.
    It's a trap...what if? Too much thinking.
    I was sitting beside a mountain stream yesterday just listening and talking to birds and bees, also putting my nose up against some Spring flowers and deeply inhaling. That's pure experience. Living in the moment is wonderful.
    It's the solution to many ills. I have been fortunate enough to have the time to train, recover, meditate etc. while avoiding the "rat race". I am very thankful for that, now I am wondering how to get back in the swing of things, or should I? Should I just keep living the life of a hermit until the money runs out? Then what? Damned thoughts!
    Which one motivates more? Sex or food?
    I would say probably sex. But is it the need for release of semen? No. Is it the need for the euphoric experience of orgasm? No. Is it the need for intimacy with another human being? Probably.
    During my Spring Nature hike yesterday I was considering the varieties of sexual preferences. Mine in particular has always had a sadistic twist, in other words a little pain inflicted on the partner, nothing excessive, but I had to honestly evaluate that desire and what I came up with was an early disdain for my mother. Somehow this disdain evolved into a slight hostility towards women. It's also cultural because porn is filled with the brutal treatment of women. So, we have a collective issue. There is some deep seated shit that surfaces in the world of sexual desire. I believe modern man is messed up pretty badly.
    There is a sexual component to almost everything in life, it's undeniable. Let's not keep repressing during the recovery process but deal with it head on! There is a guy on youtube that claims all of our psychological problems stem from early childhood, which is probably true. I am sure that I was severely affected by the tension and stress between my parents, because my sister, who is 7 years older, confirms that. We are so vulnerable as infants! I think my father looked down on my mother and thought she was pathetic, because that's how I always felt about her. Still do. Then my wife became the "surrogate" mother, it's all fucked up.
    For me, single is the way to go, and at 50 years of age, I hope I still have some time to enjoy the single life. Yes, I still own property with the wife, and we have four adult children, but no more dependence, no more ball and chain.
    The recovery process is taking time, but I am seeing good results, physically, mentally, spiritually.
    I think the sadistic tendencies are diminishing and becoming more empathetic generally, again, taking time though.
    I want to be a whole person, including a healthy sexuality, not denying it! I know there is a possibility I may not ever have a "dream" partner again, and I am coming to terms with that. Living with someone in the same household will just not be an option for me regardless, so my "dream partner" would also have to be a very independent woman. It's nice to fantasize about it a little sometimes....but my thoughts keep coming back to Nature and Nature's God or Nature's Gods. The flow of Nature, and also the terror and immense power!
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  15. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Human relationships! That's a tough one.
    I like engaging with people when they are in "happy mode", like yesterday at the lake. Occasionally I get into the mood of talking to people randomly and yesterday was one of those days. I took the kayak to the local lake to just soak in the sun and enjoy the scenery. Among the people I encountered was a young woman in a bikini with two small children, who was paddling an inflatable kayak and hanging out at the lake shore. Well, she fit the physical requirements, let's just say! So, without making my attraction too obvious, I did engage in some small talk with her.
    Now, ordinarily in the past, I would have been too nervous to do this, and my fascination with her body would have resulted in a PMO session. But not this time! This time I simply enjoyed looking at her and then it was over. Of course I had some fleeting fantasies, but they didn't last too long. So, progress is being made! Actually I went home afterwards and did some weight training.
    Many people in our small town like to hang out at the local bar for their social fulfillment. I have a really hard time with these people when they start drinking, that's when I really need to be non-judgmental and compassionate. It's only been 2 1/2 years for me since my "sobriety date", so who am I to judge??? It is sad though when you consider that drinking alcohol is the only way for them to "loosen up". I was the same way. Now I want to show my superiority by ignoring them, which is wrong, I know. I could possibly muster a smile, couldn't I? At least that....
    My thought life is so full of philosophical concepts that it is difficult for me to have any lengthy conversation with local neighbors or townsfolk. I spend quite a bit of time watching youtube podcasts that address the the concepts that are buzzing in my head. They have nothing to do with the typical conversations around here, which center mainly around weather or news headlines or gossip. So my new friends are people I watch on youtube, but of course they are not really friends, because they don't even know that I exist.
    I am not the same person that I was 2 years ago. My business card photo shows someone quite different than I am now. It was taken shortly after my initial sobriety, but obviously it takes time for change to manifest itself physically. I live on a mountain, or rather at the base of a mountain, and my "backyard" is comprised of fields, forests and canyons. So, I have to actually drive to the city to engage in any profitable business, or try and figure out some alternative here at home like growing shit or sitting at the computer all the time doing an internet business. However my new persona requires movement and somehow engaging with people in a different way that I have before....
    I know that healthy relationships are key to this recovery process.
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  16. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    OK, I did briefly fantasize about the girl at the lake during my 8 mile hike yesterday. But it lasted about 15 minutes and then all was well. It's amazing when you consider the human ability to imagine...it's a large brain thing for sure. Pure consciousness or "existence" can be experienced by living in the moment, but I think that is extremely difficult for most people. Living in your head is exactly that: imagination, fantasy, memory. When we are living in our heads, then we are not living in the moment. So, we have the ability to do both, and both have their useful purpose. Engineers, designers, architects, professors, scientists, attorneys etc. must live in their heads and obviously there is a reason for this. Hopefully these people are all well balanced and can occasionally shut down and simply exist in the moment to recharge things. Then there are those like myself, who live in their heads in a destructive way, by escaping into pathological thought processes, in other words not productive, so for me, my journey to self, has been about slowing the mind way down, and building the foundation for a new worldview, a new paradigm, a new life!
    Of course people around me are going: "what the fuck is up with him???"
    That's OK. Because I am going: "what the fuck is up with me???"
    I am arriving at the point of accepting life and death as the same, opposite sides of the same coin.
    Left or right, the same....
    Liberal or conservative, the same....
    Up or down, the same....
    None of this shit makes any sense at all but at the same time it makes perfect sense!
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  17. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Couldn't sleep worth a shit last night, but I didn't PMO!
    I listened to Indian Raga and tried to imagine myself journeying through various dimensions of existence.
    Sometimes I get impatient, but I know how to calm myself when I do, primarily through breathing, stretching, walking and weight training. Physical training has become a daily routine for me and is replacing the "desire" for sexual stimulation. Both are hormonal, but the latter option is not productive nor would it help me along my path to wellness. The hormones released through physical exertion are much more satisfying!
    My brain is still wired to think about sex, and I know that it will take time to create new neural pathways. That is something that can get frustrating, so consistency is super important. It's like having to get up for your "job", even though you don't always feel like it, the same goes for new routines that are designed to replace the old default habits like fapping. And there must be a replacement!
    Also, a new purpose in life that far supersedes anything previously attained. For me that purpose has become to attain cosmic consciousness, whether in this life or the next, doesn't matter, because I have to work on this daily. Part of that process is to be unfazed by things happening around me, and to simply accept them and learn from them. The truth is that there is really only a little that we can change in the world, but the small changes are where it counts, because many small changes do amount to a larger change potentially.
    One thing at a time...but keep going!!!
     
  18. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Yesterday I ran up a ridge, all the while paying attention to my posture so as not to aggravate my sciatic nerve. Having this ultra sensitive sciatic for the last 8 years after blowing out a disc in my back, has been a tough thing to deal with. My sciatic has "triggers" that can cause serious nerve pain. After 8 years I am learning how to move my body without triggering pain, but it has been very difficult because nerve pain is unpredictable, not at all like muscle pain.
    This morning I am seeing the parallel to my battle with porn addiction, just like my sciatic condition, there are triggers, and over time you learn how to avoid them, and change your life accordingly. Alcohol has always been a trigger for my porn addiction, so I stay away from the "bar crowd", also my old business associates were drinkers and any social events revolved around drinking, so I switched my business affiliation to another firm that doesn't have a local office, but all my transactions are now done through an internet connection. And I do not travel to attend any of their "parties" because I know they will all be drinking.
    As a matter of fact, my back injury 8 years ago was the beginning of the path I am on now, which is a path of recovery, both physically and mentally. It ended my old career which was a dead end anyways, and it caused me to seek knowledge about healthy movement, healthy diet, healthy thoughts etc. So, even though the sciatic condition resulting from the injury is a constant "thorn in my shoe", I have learned to deal with it, and the slightest wavering can cause pain, so it is with my porn addiction, the slightest wavering from my determined path of freedom could potentially cause a relapse.
    My chosen profession after the injury was only a temporary solution, and I am now realizing that the "culture" associated with this profession is not the culture that I desire. It is a culture of attaining monetary wealth, and then flaunting this wealth in front of others to prove how successful you are. Immature and stupid!
    I am being drawn to something different entirely. I have had to ask myself: What is it that you are already doing on a daily basis that you look forward to every day? That is what you need to do as a "career". I can say that this new career that I am considering is about health, and helping people and going against the "norm".
    The "norm" sucks and living in it makes me want to put a gun to my head.
    But the "hero's journey" is exciting and the "hero" follows his own path to freedom!!!!
     
  19. Zenseeker

    Zenseeker Fapstronaut

    92
    104
    33
    Well, I encourage everyone to follow the true path.
    I am released from the bondage to porn and masturbation.

    Farewell my "virtual" friends, whoever you are (if you even exist)
     

Share This Page