The progression of the mind in recovery - A PMO reflection

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by eagle rising, May 31, 2021.

  1. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    Here I will "journal" an understanding of the movement of the P addicted mind as I progress through my journey. The first few entries will be reflections of my early recovery troubles (I am now three plus years in). My wife and I have uncovered many, many things that seem to provide a certain "outside" understanding of where I was when I started my recovery. While there are many activities that I took part in to get myself out of P-brain, I will not focus on that. I will focus on what I "see" (or "saw") "happening" in my mind, especially from the beginning (in reflection). I hope that this will help you all in understanding from an "outside perspective of what is happening on the inside".

    I feel like this belongs in the "self improvement" section because I see the change in my mind through the years/months as an improvement.

    Chapter 1

    The days after D-day

    We just got past the interchange of when my wife first found out about my addiction. The addicted mind is full of excuses when it is "under attack". Although my wife was devastated (yes, some women don't care about pornography, but this is my wife) by what she had found out. I sat there trying to process everything. All the things that she said, the hurt that she felt, all the pain in her eyes. On one level I felt what she was feeling deeply, it made me want to cry and there were some feelings of shame and guilt.

    On the other hand, I was thinking, "what is the big deal?" I didn't cheat on her, that is not who I am. I spend the vast majority of my time here in the house. After work I come straight back home. I am a good person, and I go and work hard all day to provide for our family. I suffer the cold weather and the grueling daily activities of the construction life. Sometimes I had to wake up at 1:30 in the morning to get ready to pour concrete starting early morning that lasted until the afternoon. Surely, that means something to my wife. I spend time talking to my wife everyday. Everyday we talk about different things, everyday I listen to her. Our whole family eats dinner together. Sometimes I prepare dinner because I see that she is in pain or she doesn't feel like it. That is okay, I mean we are all like that.

    So all this goes through my mind everyday as I have to keep myself from watching porn. This repetition of telling myself how worthy I am of being a husband and a father. I AM A GOOD PERSON! Why can't she see this? All the while, dozens of times (maybe hundreds of times), pornography scenes are invading my mind. Scene after scene of my "favorite actresses" and "favorites". Their images come to mind, and they are as clear as day. They are more clear to me than the trees that stand outside of our house. Those images are more clear to me than the the beautiful faces on my daughters. Those images and scenes are more clear to me wife's face.

    During this time my wife and I were completely distant from each other. When we engaged in intercourse it wasn't what we wanted it to be. Truly, my deepest connection was with my hand and the screen. Everything else was just a farce. Everything else was the screen. The screen and the penis were my life. If I wasn't watching P I was trying to wait for an opportunity to watch it. Now, I can't do that. Now, I am stressed. One of the biggest things that kept me away from watching is seeing the pain on my wife's face, seeing her trying to stay standing for our kids. I would see that and I would feel such sadness. But, in sadness, you know what cheers you up that doesn't require any significant energy? PMOing. That always did the trick. So, the urges came and because I couldn't go jack off I got upset at everything else. Nothing was worth anything, truly, to the brain.

    Again, I really thought that I was a good person. So, a was in a constant battle with myself every single day. In the real world I was a productive and helpful person, but on the inside I was nothing but a penis waiting to go back home to pornography.

    I was completely torn, but I somehow I kept functioning. I kept going to work, I kept going and getting groceries, I kept being a father. All that stuff. But, my wife was unhappy. She didn't want anything to do with me. She was acting in favor of our kids. She would have left were it not for our situation and establishment of family, and our baby girl (just a couple years old at that point). Because she was not happy she became my enemy, now she was getting in the way of my "happy" life. I didn't see this at the time, but in reflection, as we talked to each other throughout the years, it became more and more clear. To the brain, she was the obstacle to my pleasure, rather than being a center of my attention, she was in the way. I knew I loved her, but I couldn't perceive beyond the veil of P fantasy. The first year, at least, was like this. Literally, the first year was me being bombarded by thoughts and urges, multiple times a day. I was slowly going into depression, something I had never felt before. I was becoming more and more sad on the inside, but my wife didn't understand why I was like this. I am not the one that got hurt; she is the one that got hurt.

    At this stage the mind is in complete stress. It is in constant conflict. The world has changed. The "daily" activities have a different flavor. Everything doesn't feel the same. Everything isn't what it should be. The mind is trying inject memories of the former norm. It went like this for quite some time, but my life was numb, and it would be that way for a long time.
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2021
    Andresprz, Karom and MeTP like this.
  2. Sacco

    Sacco New Fapstronaut

    Good to know that you are in the fight for 3 years. I am a guy who tried several times and failed. This is my another attempt. This time I haven't set any limit. My resolve is not to watch it again in life. It's my 21 st day. But here I am lonely, lacking purpose of doing anything. I think as you correctly stated, the mind is trying to inject the former norm. In my case I am not married and I am single. I think if nicely managed I could do better in my life. I am writing this bcoz it makes me feel better. If someone out there who don't have the fortune to have a gf or wife and still in this fight against porn and masturbation ping me.
    Racing37 and eagle rising like this.
  3. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    You can do it, man! I have been in down times before. It is possible to get out of it. That is the thing you have to manage your actions and your choices. That is every single choice that you make everyday. Every single choice can either pull you down or bring you up. Choose wisely, and in continuing to choose wisely you become the better choices. It is hard to see as an addict, but it will eventually get there.
  4. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    Chapter 1: (cont'd)

    The phasing of fantasies and the real world

    My mind was in a relationship with porn actresses. My favorite actresses were my mating partners and we mated every single day, every single morning. My wife was just one of those mating partners. In my understanding this is what the brain truly thinks. The brain used to think that we needed to mate with the women that I was watching, and it was exclusively women that I watched. No male bodies for 99.999% of the time. Apparently, my brain was also programmed to believe that two women having sex together meant I was having sex with them. Yes, I said it like that in order to make it clear that that isn't the reality, in retrospect. So, nothing but women on the screen was my thing, as you can see (I use my words carefully in my exposition, purposefully). So what is wrong with all of this? It is just a fantasy, it is just an expression of my fantasy as "healthy" human sexuality, right?

    In some weird respect, yes. It is a "healthy" expression of sexuality. But, the caveat, from what I can see, is that it is only "healthy" for the individual that is invested in the pornographic material. That is, as long as that individual has access to that material he will be "okay". But, what happens whenever their "mating rituals" are threatened? The man becomes angry, he becomes stressed, he becomes unstable, he cannot function, everything in the real world just falls apart because to the brain the real world is fake, completely fake. Women aren't acting "like they should". Why aren't these women having sex? Why aren't these women doing this and that? The brain sees the interaction between two people and it thinks that sex is next. That is what pornography tells us. Sex is always next! Now, the brain and the body is yearning to finish the cycle.

    So before recovery whenever I would see something sexually stimulating it was okay because I would just go home and jack off to some pornography for a couple of hours and I am perfectly fine. I did this on numerous occasions, in fact. It was easy, so easy. I just go home to my room and wank it and everything would be okay. Is this really healthy? I don't think so. I was so unsure of myself that this was the "best" alternative. I mean, this is probably one of the arguments that comes up all the time about the usage of pornography.

    Fast-forward to post-D-day. I now don't have "access" to my "other mates". What is the mind to do with this? The mind does exactly what it is made to do, fantasize (of course fantasy can mean anything whatsoever, but to the P addict is means elaborate expressions of sexualized content)! The first year my brain tried to pull up everything it could in order to bring my "other mates" back to me. Everyday, at least once, I would see a couple of my "other mates" come to mind. Immediately, the body responds. Arousal comes, my body starts to feel like it does when I am in the bathroom ready to the dirty deed. But, I could not, my phone is no longer allowed in the bathroom. My wife was very keen on where my phone was whenever I would get up and go to the bathroom. She knew every single time where my phone was, she knew. She was keen on her environment like the alpha wolf in a pack, starkly aware of any danger that may come about. So, throughout each day my sexual energy was extremely high. Extremely, extremely high. Any little touch "down there" was all I needed. Instant arousal.

    My wife became a surrogate for the women of porn, unfortunately for her. Whenever I would engage with my wife scenes of what I watched flowed easily through my mind, every single time. I guess my brain was being efficient? All of "my mates" at once? That would surely make me feel good. The feelings were all over my body. My body was engulfed in those feelings. Because I couldn't get to a P site my brain was bringing it to me. In the middle of any activity I was met with all kinds of scenes, the dirtiest and nastiest scenes were becoming more frequent. These scenes disgusted me when I first started watching back when I was a wee little kid, but that is what made the chemicals go at this stage. If I remember correctly, I would release with just a simple touch. It would come out like nothing. This makes sense to me. Momentum. Your body continues what you train it to continue. In my case, jerking off every single day.

    As you might see, even though I wasn't watching pornography, I was still thoroughly engaged in the sexual energy that would come about just from a simple injection of fantasy. My life still revolved around it.

    As months passed things of the mind began to change a little bit. The frequency of the thoughts and the dreams started to decrease. Finally! Some breathing room...but.... Now, the fantasy found itself in the "real world". I started having mental relationships with other women that I had come across regularly. Now, before I stopped PMOing and before I was married this might have still been true but it wasn't a terrible thing as I was single, and like I said above, I just had to go home and do a wank-a-sode and it is done. That object of affection need not worry because I already had sex with "my mates". hehe! Take that, girl who had no idea what was going on in my mind! I haven't watched in months, and I thought things were going better. My mind on the other hand, had other plans. My mind got stuck on other women. Women at the grocery stores we frequented, women at the convenience stores, and women at other places. My brain and body were on the hunt for new women since I couldn't "have sex" with my "other mates". All of this as married man!

    Keep in my mind that, culturally and personally, I viewed women as sacred, that they should be treated with respect. I thoroughly believed that all women had equal footing in the life of humans. Without women men would be nothing. They don't deserve all the shit that men have put them through. I believed this with a passion and I would have scorn for men who would treat women as objects (I would cuss them out in my head and wish them bad). But, none of that mattered to the P-brain (again, I thoroughly see that P brain is the center of the dichotomy of the mind).

    These women became my porn stars. Leaving the house was the best thing that would happen during the week, because I could get my rocks off (without actually jacking off). Dopamine is responsible for "motivation". These women were my motivation, and I am married. Again, some may ask, what is the problem? We are humans we need to have sex. Yes, but the reason why we have sex is to procreate. I already have plenty of kids in the house. My line of offspring will fair well. Everything is okay. This is a compulsion, through and through. So, all this was happening in my mind in my first months without porn since I started watching it.

    On the other hand, I did not even think about what my wife might be feeling. She didn't express her hurt to me. Why would she? I am the one that hurt her. To her I was just a pig. The person that she married no longer existed, he died. Every time I went out, I cannot imagine what she was thinking. I cannot imagine the pain, worry, anxiety, and fear that see would feel. At that time, I didn't have this understanding. For all I knew she was doing perfectly fine. I cared not to believe what she would tell me about her pains. I shrugged everything off for a very long time. In my mind, in addition to all that was described above, I thought I was doing very good because I had been months without porn, ironically. But, truly she did not know that, only I knew that. I left the house many times, in her experience, I might have cheated on multiple occasions, I didn't. In her mind I could have gone to someone else's house but she wouldn't know it; I was an extremely good liar. In her mind I would have a way to access pornography outside the house. The options were literally boundless. I have no idea what she had been going through and I was very much lacked any sense of perspective.
  5. AbuIbrahim

    AbuIbrahim New Fapstronaut

    I wish i would know english to explain what i feel right now. Only educated people know a little english in my country. The rest of us know nothing. Hence, please read it with great patience.
    Today is my 10th day since i quit masturbation. And the symptoms that i feel right now are as follows:
    ❤ OCD obsessive compulsive behaviour
    ❤Feeling of ugliness: this has the possibility of being a real thing than a perceived one.
    ❤Feeling like a zombie
    ❤Loss of appetite, nausea
    ❤Red eyes
    ❤dry skin
    ❤Unexplained fatigue
    ❤lack of confidence
    ❤Getting angry & irritated even with very minor issues
    ❤lower back pain
    ❤Flatulence excessive farting
    ❤Difficultu of getting organized
    Please, advice me what to do. I cant take it beyond this it highly interfers with my life. When i analyse the harm and the benefit. The harm outweighs the benefit. I am on the verge of relapse.
  6. Krisso87

    Krisso87 Fapstronaut


    wow mate this is an incredible read , im 200 days in and resonate with all this completely . Even 7 months no pmo, my brain is still very lustful .its annoying how slow the healing process is , even only we'd now 20 years ago we'd reap what we sow in regards to this poison
    eagle rising likes this.
  7. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    The feelings of ugliness, the lack of confidence, the agitation, and other such feelings are not you. They are messages that something needs to change. Don't try and live in those mindsets, they are not you. OCD can be your friend. Once you force yourself into better habits your OCD will help you stay there, you have to be willing to endure not being comfortable. All the other physical pains may not necessarily be due to PMOing, there are most likely other factors that you need to recognize and change.

    What do you eat? How often do you eat? Are you active? Are you learning something? Are you reading about how to improve yourself?

    One thing is certain: nothing will change if you aren't actively doing something to change it, and if you see these problems and don't act on them they will not go away.

    You have a lot of energy, you can make it happen!
    AbuIbrahim likes this.
  8. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    I thought that some might resonate with these writings, that's good. Oh yes, for me, between 6 and 18 months was probably the worst of it. I don't remember exactly the amount of times but I do remember the state of mind that I was in during my recovery. It is slow and annoying! Man, I still get frustrated and angry about all of this. It will take time.

    I will be sharing much more about my progression, so stay tuned if you like. Right now, I have to take a break (possibly a few days) because my mind is starting to grasp at the thoughts (much of them haven't bothered me in quite some time) in my reflections.

    I urge you keep going, my friend. IT WILL GET BETTER...granted that you remain willing.
  9. Hey man, I was just wondering if you are feeling better?

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