Here I will "journal" an understanding of the movement of the P addicted mind as I progress through my journey. The first few entries will be reflections of my early recovery troubles (I am now three plus years in). My wife and I have uncovered many, many things that seem to provide a certain "outside" understanding of where I was when I started my recovery. While there are many activities that I took part in to get myself out of P-brain, I will not focus on that. I will focus on what I "see" (or "saw") "happening" in my mind, especially from the beginning (in reflection). I hope that this will help you all in understanding from an "outside perspective of what is happening on the inside". I feel like this belongs in the "self improvement" section because I see the change in my mind through the years/months as an improvement. Chapter 1 The days after D-day We just got past the interchange of when my wife first found out about my addiction. The addicted mind is full of excuses when it is "under attack". Although my wife was devastated (yes, some women don't care about pornography, but this is my wife) by what she had found out. I sat there trying to process everything. All the things that she said, the hurt that she felt, all the pain in her eyes. On one level I felt what she was feeling deeply, it made me want to cry and there were some feelings of shame and guilt. On the other hand, I was thinking, "what is the big deal?" I didn't cheat on her, that is not who I am. I spend the vast majority of my time here in the house. After work I come straight back home. I am a good person, and I go and work hard all day to provide for our family. I suffer the cold weather and the grueling daily activities of the construction life. Sometimes I had to wake up at 1:30 in the morning to get ready to pour concrete starting early morning that lasted until the afternoon. Surely, that means something to my wife. I spend time talking to my wife everyday. Everyday we talk about different things, everyday I listen to her. Our whole family eats dinner together. Sometimes I prepare dinner because I see that she is in pain or she doesn't feel like it. That is okay, I mean we are all like that. So all this goes through my mind everyday as I have to keep myself from watching porn. This repetition of telling myself how worthy I am of being a husband and a father. I AM A GOOD PERSON! Why can't she see this? All the while, dozens of times (maybe hundreds of times), pornography scenes are invading my mind. Scene after scene of my "favorite actresses" and "favorites". Their images come to mind, and they are as clear as day. They are more clear to me than the trees that stand outside of our house. Those images are more clear to me than the the beautiful faces on my daughters. Those images and scenes are more clear to me than...my wife's face. During this time my wife and I were completely distant from each other. When we engaged in intercourse it wasn't what we wanted it to be. Truly, my deepest connection was with my hand and the screen. Everything else was just a farce. Everything else was the screen. The screen and the penis were my life. If I wasn't watching P I was trying to wait for an opportunity to watch it. Now, I can't do that. Now, I am stressed. One of the biggest things that kept me away from watching is seeing the pain on my wife's face, seeing her trying to stay standing for our kids. I would see that and I would feel such sadness. But, in sadness, you know what cheers you up that doesn't require any significant energy? PMOing. That always did the trick. So, the urges came and because I couldn't go jack off I got upset at everything else. Nothing was worth anything, truly, to the brain. Again, I really thought that I was a good person. So, a was in a constant battle with myself every single day. In the real world I was a productive and helpful person, but on the inside I was nothing but a penis waiting to go back home to pornography. I was completely torn, but I somehow I kept functioning. I kept going to work, I kept going and getting groceries, I kept being a father. All that stuff. But, my wife was unhappy. She didn't want anything to do with me. She was acting in favor of our kids. She would have left were it not for our situation and establishment of family, and our baby girl (just a couple years old at that point). Because she was not happy she became my enemy, now she was getting in the way of my "happy" life. I didn't see this at the time, but in reflection, as we talked to each other throughout the years, it became more and more clear. To the brain, she was the obstacle to my pleasure, rather than being a center of my attention, she was in the way. I knew I loved her, but I couldn't perceive beyond the veil of P fantasy. The first year, at least, was like this. Literally, the first year was me being bombarded by thoughts and urges, multiple times a day. I was slowly going into depression, something I had never felt before. I was becoming more and more sad on the inside, but my wife didn't understand why I was like this. I am not the one that got hurt; she is the one that got hurt. At this stage the mind is in complete stress. It is in constant conflict. The world has changed. The "daily" activities have a different flavor. Everything doesn't feel the same. Everything isn't what it should be. The mind is trying inject memories of the former norm. It went like this for quite some time, but my life was numb, and it would be that way for a long time.