The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain

[Fenix Rising]

Hi fellow Fapstronauts,

I've been rereading dr. Gabor Mate's wonderful book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and would like to share some of his insights that struck me hard:

______________
“I’m not going to ask you what you were addicted to,” I often say to people, “nor when, nor for how long. Only, whatever your addictive focus, what did it offer you? What did you like about it? What, in the short term, did it give you that you craved or liked so much?” And universally, the answers are: “It helped me escape emotional pain… helped me deal with stress… gave me peace of mind… a sense of connection with others… a sense of control.”

Such answers illuminate that the addiction is neither a choice nor a disease, but originates in a human being’s desperate attempt to solve a problem: the problem of emotional pain, of overwhelming stress, of lost connection, of loss of control, of a deep discomfort with the self. In short, it is a forlorn attempt to solve the problem of human pain. Hence my mantra: “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”

The source of pain is always found in a person’s lived experience, beginning with childhood. Childhood trauma is the template for addiction—any addiction. All addictions are attempts to escape the deep pain of the hurt child, attempts temporarily soothing but ultimately futile. This is no less true of the socially successful workaholic, such as I have been, than of the inveterate shopper, sexual rover, gambler, abject street-bound substance user or stay-at-home mom and user of opioids.

Not only is the urge to escape pain shared by all addicts, substance users or not, the same brain circuits are involved in all addictions, from shopping to eating to dependence on heroin and other opioids. The same brain circuits, the same brain systems involving pleasure and reward and incentive, the same neurochemicals—not to mention the same emotional dynamics of shame and lack of self-worth, and the same behaviors of denial and dishonesty and subterfuge.

To treat the addiction, which is a symptom, without treating the pain that underlies it is to deal in effects rather than in causes, and therefore dooms many to ongoing cycles of suffering.

Not all traumatized people become addicted, but all addicted people, including those addiction to opioids, were traumatized in some way. That is the reality of our culture, where addiction, like trauma, is so commonplace that most people also don’t recognize its presence. Yet it surrounds us, engulfs so many of us, that our near-exclusive focus on the troubles of addiction is itself but another escape from reality."
______________

As we're entering a 40 days Lent period of reflection and preparation in the run up to Easter on Wednesday, it is a good time to reflect on our past behaviours and honestly ask ourselves what is the driver behind our addiction. Success of our recovery depends on answering this question correctly.

 

[Mordobarn]

This is correct. I have said in these forums time and again that you will struggle to be free of this addiction without therapy. Trauma causes such problems, and those people who deliberately cause trauma have a lot to answer for.

Thanks for posting these.

 

[dudealone]

Hi fellow Fapstronauts,

I've been rereading dr. Gabor Mate's wonderful book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and would like to share some of his insights that struck me hard:

______________
“I’m not going to ask you what you were addicted to,” I often say to people, “nor when, nor for how long. Only, whatever your addictive focus, what did it offer you? What did you like about it? What, in the short term, did it give you that you craved or liked so much?” And universally, the answers are: “It helped me escape emotional pain… helped me deal with stress… gave me peace of mind… a sense of connection with others… a sense of control.”

Such answers illuminate that the addiction is neither a choice nor a disease, but originates in a human being’s desperate attempt to solve a problem: the problem of emotional pain, of overwhelming stress, of lost connection, of loss of control, of a deep discomfort with the self. In short, it is a forlorn attempt to solve the problem of human pain. Hence my mantra: “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”

The source of pain is always found in a person’s lived experience, beginning with childhood. Childhood trauma is the template for addiction—any addiction. All addictions are attempts to escape the deep pain of the hurt child, attempts temporarily soothing but ultimately futile. This is no less true of the socially successful workaholic, such as I have been, than of the inveterate shopper, sexual rover, gambler, abject street-bound substance user or stay-at-home mom and user of opioids.

Not only is the urge to escape pain shared by all addicts, substance users or not, the same brain circuits are involved in all addictions, from shopping to eating to dependence on heroin and other opioids. The same brain circuits, the same brain systems involving pleasure and reward and incentive, the same neurochemicals—not to mention the same emotional dynamics of shame and lack of self-worth, and the same behaviors of denial and dishonesty and subterfuge.

To treat the addiction, which is a symptom, without treating the pain that underlies it is to deal in effects rather than in causes, and therefore dooms many to ongoing cycles of suffering.

Not all traumatized people become addicted, but all addicted people, including those addiction to opioids, were traumatized in some way. That is the reality of our culture, where addiction, like trauma, is so commonplace that most people also don’t recognize its presence. Yet it surrounds us, engulfs so many of us, that our near-exclusive focus on the troubles of addiction is itself but another escape from reality."
______________

As we're entering a 40 days Lent period of reflection and preparation in the run up to Easter on Wednesday, it is a good time to reflect on our past behaviours and honestly ask ourselves what is the driver behind our addiction. Success of our recovery depends on answering this question correctly.

You are really good at beating this addiction. I have no doubt that you would have recovered a lot and you would fully recovered in upcoming days ...
This week I had a severe panic attack, but doctors found nothing wrong. I regret the anxiety I am having of withdrawals. I therefore don't think of fap or nofap anymore .. but eliminating both fap and nofap is more tough than NoFap in hardmode. I am doing well at 47 days today but the moment I am resisting both fap and nofap to overpower the withdrawals fear that fears me and causes panic attacks.

I am having some graphic dreams past 2 days and some random staring for a second or two once a day today to bewbages in tv shows and had some erections. I don't like the fact that nowadays why everyone shows of there chest why??? what's the point. Money but this in long run has cost so much to society and specifically male individuals.... Celebs go nude for money, we are given high speed internet and what not all to watch this sexuality day and night.

is it that I am recovering so my past demons are trying to regain power over me and I think this is the best time to defeat them and burry them deep inside mother earth.

earth has provided us life, earlier the people were so powerful so happy as they were least bothered or not at all concerned about sexual things. and now everything, each and everything is concerned about sexuality.

Ending my comment, all porn should be deleted from history forever only couples should do romance in their relationships and nothing else.

I always say a lots of thank you to god that it's internet only that gave me the option of FAP and it's internet only that gave me the option of NOFAP. I really njoy NOFAP but still think that I am still an addict because watching hot girls int TV shows gives me an erection.

 

[Freeddom_Taker]

Hi fellow Fapstronauts,

I've been rereading dr. Gabor Mate's wonderful book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and would like to share some of his insights that struck me hard:

______________
“I’m not going to ask you what you were addicted to,” I often say to people, “nor when, nor for how long. Only, whatever your addictive focus, what did it offer you? What did you like about it? What, in the short term, did it give you that you craved or liked so much?” And universally, the answers are: “It helped me escape emotional pain… helped me deal with stress… gave me peace of mind… a sense of connection with others… a sense of control.”

Such answers illuminate that the addiction is neither a choice nor a disease, but originates in a human being’s desperate attempt to solve a problem: the problem of emotional pain, of overwhelming stress, of lost connection, of loss of control, of a deep discomfort with the self. In short, it is a forlorn attempt to solve the problem of human pain. Hence my mantra: “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”

The source of pain is always found in a person’s lived experience, beginning with childhood. Childhood trauma is the template for addiction—any addiction. All addictions are attempts to escape the deep pain of the hurt child, attempts temporarily soothing but ultimately futile. This is no less true of the socially successful workaholic, such as I have been, than of the inveterate shopper, sexual rover, gambler, abject street-bound substance user or stay-at-home mom and user of opioids.

Not only is the urge to escape pain shared by all addicts, substance users or not, the same brain circuits are involved in all addictions, from shopping to eating to dependence on heroin and other opioids. The same brain circuits, the same brain systems involving pleasure and reward and incentive, the same neurochemicals—not to mention the same emotional dynamics of shame and lack of self-worth, and the same behaviors of denial and dishonesty and subterfuge.

To treat the addiction, which is a symptom, without treating the pain that underlies it is to deal in effects rather than in causes, and therefore dooms many to ongoing cycles of suffering.

Not all traumatized people become addicted, but all addicted people, including those addiction to opioids, were traumatized in some way. That is the reality of our culture, where addiction, like trauma, is so commonplace that most people also don’t recognize its presence. Yet it surrounds us, engulfs so many of us, that our near-exclusive focus on the troubles of addiction is itself but another escape from reality."
______________

As we're entering a 40 days Lent period of reflection and preparation in the run up to Easter on Wednesday, it is a good time to reflect on our past behaviours and honestly ask ourselves what is the driver behind our addiction. Success of our recovery depends on answering this question correctly.

May I ask, what is the state of your addiction?
Are you in paws, flatline, Acute stage, semi cured or totally cured?

 

[Mordobarn]

… eliminating both fap and nofap is more tough than NoFap in hardmode.

I don't understand what you are saying — eliminating both fap and nofap? That's a contradiction, so what do you mean?

… watching hot girls int TV shows gives me an erection.

That's known as "p-sub" or "porn substitution." Just stop watching hot girls, otherwise you can't heal.

 

[angelpart]

I've been giving this idea a thought recently, but speaking for myself I fail to see the trauma. I really don't think I was traumatized, I just always longed for intimacy with a woman and I believe this desire is healthy.
But instead of pursuing real relationships I went the easy route to M (when I was young) and later on to P, which are both fake forms of intimacy.

When I look at the question "why the pain", in my case the pain is this lack of intimacy, and I feel my answer is "because I am not in a romantic relationship". Perhaps I'm wrong about this but I can't see any other answer.

And I feel this is the case of many guys who are addicted to PMO like me.

 

[Fenix Rising]

May I ask, what is the state of your addiction?
Are you in paws, flatline, Acute stage, semi cured or totally cured?

This's a hard question, I'm asking myself these days. I have moved away from addiction to the point that I don't have to invest any effort to stay away from it anymore. Or better said, I have zero need to return to addiction. PMO lost all attraction. Even in the days of distress I don't think of it as a possible way of escaping negative emotions. On the downside, I don't feel very well and I don't know why. I have finally conquered chronic social anxiety, that has followed me my whole adult life, but some kind of anhedonia/depression still persist inside me. I'd like to fall in love with life again, but I feel kind of empty. Robbie Williams quote "I don't wanna die. But I ain't keen on living either" describes best my current mental state. During the past 14 months I have trained myself to execute my recovery plan like a clock-watch, regardless of motional and physical state I'm in at any given moment and this has helped me get rid of compulsions and anxiety, but it has not helped me to fill the inner void. I pray, meditate, try to practice kindness toward other people and animals, but I feel like I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do, not out of a goodness of my heart if that makes any sense.

 

[Indurian]

Hi fellow Fapstronauts,

I've been rereading dr. Gabor Mate's wonderful book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and would like to share some of his insights that struck me hard:

______________
“I’m not going to ask you what you were addicted to,” I often say to people, “nor when, nor for how long. Only, whatever your addictive focus, what did it offer you? What did you like about it? What, in the short term, did it give you that you craved or liked so much?” And universally, the answers are: “It helped me escape emotional pain… helped me deal with stress… gave me peace of mind… a sense of connection with others… a sense of control.”

Such answers illuminate that the addiction is neither a choice nor a disease, but originates in a human being’s desperate attempt to solve a problem: the problem of emotional pain, of overwhelming stress, of lost connection, of loss of control, of a deep discomfort with the self. In short, it is a forlorn attempt to solve the problem of human pain. Hence my mantra: “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”

The source of pain is always found in a person’s lived experience, beginning with childhood. Childhood trauma is the template for addiction—any addiction. All addictions are attempts to escape the deep pain of the hurt child, attempts temporarily soothing but ultimately futile. This is no less true of the socially successful workaholic, such as I have been, than of the inveterate shopper, sexual rover, gambler, abject street-bound substance user or stay-at-home mom and user of opioids.

Not only is the urge to escape pain shared by all addicts, substance users or not, the same brain circuits are involved in all addictions, from shopping to eating to dependence on heroin and other opioids. The same brain circuits, the same brain systems involving pleasure and reward and incentive, the same neurochemicals—not to mention the same emotional dynamics of shame and lack of self-worth, and the same behaviors of denial and dishonesty and subterfuge.

To treat the addiction, which is a symptom, without treating the pain that underlies it is to deal in effects rather than in causes, and therefore dooms many to ongoing cycles of suffering.

Not all traumatized people become addicted, but all addicted people, including those addiction to opioids, were traumatized in some way. That is the reality of our culture, where addiction, like trauma, is so commonplace that most people also don’t recognize its presence. Yet it surrounds us, engulfs so many of us, that our near-exclusive focus on the troubles of addiction is itself but another escape from reality."
______________

As we're entering a 40 days Lent period of reflection and preparation in the run up to Easter on Wednesday, it is a good time to reflect on our past behaviours and honestly ask ourselves what is the driver behind our addiction. Success of our recovery depends on answering this question correctly.

Good Post, thank you for taking the time to share

 

[Fenix Rising]

I've been giving this idea a thought recently, but speaking for myself I fail to see the trauma. I really don't think I was traumatized, I just always longed for intimacy with a woman and I believe this desire is healthy.
But instead of pursuing real relationships I went the easy route to M (when I was young) and later on to P, which are both fake forms of intimacy.

When I look at the question "why the pain", in my case the pain is this lack of intimacy, and I feel my answer is "because I am not in a romantic relationship". Perhaps I'm wrong about this but I can't see any other answer.

And I feel this is the case of many guys who are addicted to PMO like me.

I don't know, maybe you're right, but I was in a long term relationship and that didn't fill the inner void. I thought about it a lot and couldn't find definitive answer. Here's part of the answer I found regarding the topic, but I don't dare to say if it's the right one or not:

"It's an illusion to think that we need someone else to make us feel complete.
One of our greatest fears is that we will end up alone. That's why we stay in toxic relationships. But the fact is, that you can have hundreds of friends and still feel terribly alone.
What we are looking for is already within us and because of our pursuit to find it, we can not see it.
Ongoing pursuits are wearing us out and constant people-pleasing obstructs the development of our authentic selves.

Contentment is not to be achieved outside. Contentment is achieved within. We can spend life time to extract from the world only to conclude that we still feel empty. No amount of money, friends, or material possessions will do the job if our contentment isn't already internalized. Paradoxically, contentment only reveals itself when we stop looking for it. It appears spontaneously when we're completely immersed in the present moment, consumed by what is, without the need for anything to change. We are empty because we want to be filled, but by embracing emptiness, we eradicate the need to be filled and therefore become full.

If you're alone right now, embrace it. Realize that you don't need other people to feel content. In fact, their presence may even prevent you from manifesting what you really are.
Socializing can bring you much joy and there's much happiness in sharing, helping, connecting, supporting. BUT there's a difference between social interactions for the sake of one's search for completeness and voluntary engagement with other people, without needing them to feel complete. You are enough."

 

[Rexbrent]

Hi fellow Fapstronauts,

I've been rereading dr. Gabor Mate's wonderful book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and would like to share some of his insights that struck me hard:

______________
“I’m not going to ask you what you were addicted to,” I often say to people, “nor when, nor for how long. Only, whatever your addictive focus, what did it offer you? What did you like about it? What, in the short term, did it give you that you craved or liked so much?” And universally, the answers are: “It helped me escape emotional pain… helped me deal with stress… gave me peace of mind… a sense of connection with others… a sense of control.”

Such answers illuminate that the addiction is neither a choice nor a disease, but originates in a human being’s desperate attempt to solve a problem: the problem of emotional pain, of overwhelming stress, of lost connection, of loss of control, of a deep discomfort with the self. In short, it is a forlorn attempt to solve the problem of human pain. Hence my mantra: “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”

The source of pain is always found in a person’s lived experience, beginning with childhood. Childhood trauma is the template for addiction—any addiction. All addictions are attempts to escape the deep pain of the hurt child, attempts temporarily soothing but ultimately futile. This is no less true of the socially successful workaholic, such as I have been, than of the inveterate shopper, sexual rover, gambler, abject street-bound substance user or stay-at-home mom and user of opioids.

Not only is the urge to escape pain shared by all addicts, substance users or not, the same brain circuits are involved in all addictions, from shopping to eating to dependence on heroin and other opioids. The same brain circuits, the same brain systems involving pleasure and reward and incentive, the same neurochemicals—not to mention the same emotional dynamics of shame and lack of self-worth, and the same behaviors of denial and dishonesty and subterfuge.

To treat the addiction, which is a symptom, without treating the pain that underlies it is to deal in effects rather than in causes, and therefore dooms many to ongoing cycles of suffering.

Not all traumatized people become addicted, but all addicted people, including those addiction to opioids, were traumatized in some way. That is the reality of our culture, where addiction, like trauma, is so commonplace that most people also don’t recognize its presence. Yet it surrounds us, engulfs so many of us, that our near-exclusive focus on the troubles of addiction is itself but another escape from reality."
______________

As we're entering a 40 days Lent period of reflection and preparation in the run up to Easter on Wednesday, it is a good time to reflect on our past behaviours and honestly ask ourselves what is the driver behind our addiction. Success of our recovery depends on answering this question correctly.

Hi bro , if you can help me , i have high craving when i see a girl thn my mind just start thinking in a sexual way and i get kind of restless , anxious . Do you advise why it cause my brain to act like this and how can i heal thxu

 

[Fenix Rising]

Hi bro , if you can help me , i have high craving when i see a girl thn my mind just start thinking in a sexual way and i get kind of restless , anxious . Do you advise why it cause my brain to act like this and how can i heal thxu

I conquered my social anxiety with different technics. There's no quick solutions to the problem, but they work, if you implement them on daily basis.

1. Aerobic exercise -> running/cycling/brisk walking outdoors... for an hour or more on daily basis
2. Wim Hof breathing -> you can find tutorials on YT
3. Cold showers -> again tutorials in combination with Wim Hof breathing on the YT
4. Pranayama breathing
5. "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change". You have to change your thought patterns. I've done that with regular meditation and by diving into stoic philosophy (works of Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius). The main concept here is to accept the fact that you can control only your own thoughts and actions, anything else is outside of your control, so you shouldn't worry about it. That doesn't mean that you should not work hard towards the goals you'd like to achieve, on the contrary, you should strive to do your best at any given moment, but knowingly that result is outside your control, so do not get attached to the outcome. If I translate this to dating. I used to have hard time inviting women to date, because I was afraid of rejection and this caused anxiousness. Since I have internalized stoic way of thinking, I have no problems asking them out, because I know, I did my job expressing my intentions by invitation. Her acceptence or rejection is outside my control so I don't stress about it.

 

[Rexbrent]

I conquered my social anxiety with different technics. There's no quick solutions to the problem, but they work, if you implement them on daily basis.

1. Aerobic exercise -> running/cycling/brisk walking outdoors... for an hour or more on daily basis
2. Wim Hof breathing -> you can find tutorials on YT
3. Cold showers -> again tutorials in combination with Wim Hof breathing on the YT
4. Pranayama breathing
5. "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change". You have to change your thought patterns. I've done that with regular meditation and by diving into stoic philosophy (works of Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius). The main concept here is to accept the fact that you can control only your own thoughts and actions, anything else is outside of your control, so you shouldn't worry about it. That doesn't mean that you should not work hard towards the goals you'd like to achieve, on the contrary, you should strive to do your best at any given moment, but knowingly that result is outside your control, so do not get attached to the outcome. If I translate this to dating. I used to have hard time inviting women to date, because I was afraid of rejection and this caused anxiousness. Since I have internalized stoic way of thinking, I have no problems asking them out, because I know, I did my job expressing my intentions by invitation. Her acceptence or rejection is outside my control so I don't stress about it.

Thx u bro , i wanted to ask you wats the cause of this huge craving in mind, whenever i see any girls , any thought related to girls , for example i someone says talk about europe , my mind start thinking about europen girls and get cravings and anxiety But not in genitals

 

[Fenix Rising]

Thx u bro , i wanted to ask you wats the cause of this huge craving in mind, whenever i see any girls , any thought related to girls , for example i someone says talk about europe , my mind start thinking about europen girls and get cravings and anxiety But not in genitals

You have to learn how to control your own thoughts. There are many technics to do that. Buddha said:"Control your mind or it will control you."

 

[Ketonian]

Fenix Rising
Thank You for posting this info! I was looking for something to read that would help me and I think this book by Dr. Mate could be a big help. I was a victim of bullying throughout elementary and middle school. When the bullying started so did the depression. Toward the end of middle school was when I started using porn to fill the void. I didn't realize how much harm porn was causing me until the flatline hit. I knew I was wasting lots of time watching porn, which caused me to seek out how to quit watching porn. The flatline has been both positive and negative. The loss of sex drive and erections has been a relief because before everything was out of control. The depression during this flatline has been the worst of my life. Its like I can recall every negative thing that ever happened. I've started meditation, running on an elliptical, and cold showers which have helped some. Now I realize more than ever that I need to make peace with the past, but that seems to be a challenge for me at the moment.

 

[dudealone]

I conquered my social anxiety with different technics. There's no quick solutions to the problem, but they work, if you implement them on daily basis.

1. Aerobic exercise -> running/cycling/brisk walking outdoors... for an hour or more on daily basis
2. Wim Hof breathing -> you can find tutorials on YT
3. Cold showers -> again tutorials in combination with Wim Hof breathing on the YT
4. Pranayama breathing
5. "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change". You have to change your thought patterns. I've done that with regular meditation and by diving into stoic philosophy (works of Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius). The main concept here is to accept the fact that you can control only your own thoughts and actions, anything else is outside of your control, so you shouldn't worry about it. That doesn't mean that you should not work hard towards the goals you'd like to achieve, on the contrary, you should strive to do your best at any given moment, but knowingly that result is outside your control, so do not get attached to the outcome. If I translate this to dating. I used to have hard time inviting women to date, because I was afraid of rejection and this caused anxiousness. Since I have internalized stoic way of thinking, I have no problems asking them out, because I know, I did my job expressing my intentions by invitation. Her acceptence or rejection is outside my control so I don't stress about it.

All of your posts are so good.

 

[Fenix Rising]

Fenix Rising
Thank You for posting this info! I was looking for something to read that would help me and I think this book by Dr. Mate could be a big help. I was a victim of bullying throughout elementary and middle school. When the bullying started so did the depression. Toward the end of middle school was when I started using porn to fill the void. I didn't realize how much harm porn was causing me until the flatline hit. I knew I was wasting lots of time watching porn, which caused me to seek out how to quit watching porn. The flatline has been both positive and negative. The loss of sex drive and erections has been a relief because before everything was out of control. The depression during this flatline has been the worst of my life. Its like I can recall every negative thing that ever happened. I've started meditation, running on an elliptical, and cold showers which have helped some. Now I realize more than ever that I need to make peace with the past, but that seems to be a challenge for me at the moment.

Letting go is much easier said than done. I've make some of the post on the topic in my journal. I'll copy/paste it here. Maybe you'll find something in them useful for your own recovery:

"LET GO" AND YOU WILL GROW

(Your mind is like a parachute, if it's not open it's useless. Always have an open mind.)
Being able to letting go is the problem for many of us. If you don't let go, you can't grow. If the tree would not let go of it's leaves it would die. We hang on to so much things we can't control. We hang on to negative emotions, anger, resentment, hate, pain, sadness, hopes and dreams…
We have to learn to let go of what we can't control.
It's really difficult to letting go. Sometimes those negative beliefs, thoughts, feelings, emotions, pain, resentments... become like comfort blankets. We cling onto them almost to give us comfort in our negativity. That really holds us back, stopping us from growing and fulfilling our full potential as humans.
You need to be able to give yourself permission to let go and grow. Lao Tzu - "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."
We need to live in a present moment and focus our energy in that moment more and more. Try coming into present moment by breathing technics. This way you will learn how to focus your energy.
You need to put your pride and ego aside and learn to be present, not be living in the past.

ANGER & RESENTMENT - LETTING GO

Letting go of anger and resentment is massively important in maintaining your sobriety and your inner happiness/inner peace.
If you don't let go of these things it will always drive you back into addiction to wipe these feelings away.
You can't control what people think about you. Let go, do not let interference from the outside interfere with your inner peace.
If you refuse to accept the insults etc. then they still belong to the person who offered them to you.
Insults are always about the other person and what they're holding onto. You don't want to accept these emotions on yourself. Live them with them.
But stay open to disagreements because right answer is often found through a debate. Never let your ego tell you, that you're always right.
You've got to constantly watch and check your inner anger/resentment and destructive emotions that can from that like envy, jealousy…

ALWAYS THEIR PRISONER

"If you seek people's approval, you will always be their prisoner."
You've got to work on your ego. Part of recovery is giving service to other people.
Try letting go of your ego, try to be selfless and letting nothing become about you. "Plant trees under whose shades do you not plan to sit."
Don't let other's comments about you control you. If you allow people's comments about you to affect you, you become their prisoner. You've got to be strong about this.
You must let go of the things you can't control and you can't control what people think or say about you. Their comments reflect how they are in their own mind, not how you are
At the end it comes down to only 2 things you can have control over, your own thoughts and actions.
"I'm not who I think I am, I'm not who you think I am, I am what you think I am!"

I AM ENOUGH

A lack of self-esteem and self-worth is common trait to all addicts. Feeling that you're not worthy, that you're never good enough, that people don't like you.
We're wired to constantly seek approval and want people to like us. We don't want to be rejected, that's why we constantly seek connection with others.
Most addictions are based in pain and a lot the time this pain is based from childhood experiences.
If you adopt the mindset that you're not worthy (good enough), that you'll achieve nothing, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But that mindset can be changed. Your mind will believe everything. If you tell it you're a piece of ugly unworthy shit that will never amount to anything, your mind will believe it and that's what will happen because you will exude that energy.
BUT if you're constantly telling to yourself I AM WORTHY, I am good enough, I will achieve that, I am beautiful, I am happy, I am positive... your brain will believe that.
You can't escape negative emotions like that with gathering material things, by seeking approval,... You can never achieve inner happiness or self-worth through those things outside of yourself. You can only find that within yourself. You have to teach your brain how to rewire it - you have to tell it you are worthy and it will believe you.
CARPE DIEM- seize every moment in the day: "All these moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Time to die." You only got certain amount of time here and it's very precious, every single moment should be savored. It's about enjoying your life, it's about loving yourself, knowing that you are worthy, knowing that you are beautiful.
YOU WILL NOT STAY CLEAN IF YOU DON'T START LOVING YOURSELF, if you don't increase your self-worth and your self-esteem.

HOW TO LET GO OF PAST PAIN - 4 STEPS

Stop being a prisoner of your past (past pain/trauma). If you don't deal with your pain you'll keep jumping in and out of addictions (cross addictions).
The root of all of our addictions originates from pain (be it emotional, spiritual, physical...). We comfort and hide the pain behind addiction.
Gabor Mate: "We may not be responsible for the world that created our minds, BUT we can take responsibility for the mind with which we create our world."
Letting go of your past pain is a long process BUT you have to go through it or you will always remain prisoner of your past.
Pain sometimes feels like an old friend (a pity party, a comfort blanket) BUT get rid of it, because it doesn't serve you, it can lead you to death, suicide...

4 STEPS TO GET OVER THE PAIN:

1. Make decision to LET GO OF THE PAIN/TRAUMA -> Accept that you have a choice whether you let it be pain's prisoner for the rest of your life or choose to let it go. Choice is yours. Make a decision to not hold on to it, let it go. Decision empowers you. You've got to stop being a victim in your head. You don't have to be a victim anymore.
2. EXPRESS YOUR PAIN -> Journal it, write it down, talk to someone about it, seek counselor, friend, priest about it.
3. FOCUS ON A PRESENCE -> Focus on here and now, the joy of a day. Practice mindfulness. Stop living in the past, don't think about the stuff that's happened to you. "What ever you resist will persist" - if you resist this, it will carry on happening and happening because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
4. FORGIVE THEM AND YOURSELF -> Forgive them in your heart but most importantly forgive yourself. You are worth it.

 

[Anonymous86]

Fenix Rising
Thank You for posting this info! I was looking for something to read that would help me and I think this book by Dr. Mate could be a big help. I was a victim of bullying throughout elementary and middle school. When the bullying started so did the depression. Toward the end of middle school was when I started using porn to fill the void. I didn't realize how much harm porn was causing me until the flatline hit. I knew I was wasting lots of time watching porn, which caused me to seek out how to quit watching porn. The flatline has been both positive and negative. The loss of sex drive and erections has been a relief because before everything was out of control. The depression during this flatline has been the worst of my life. Its like I can recall every negative thing that ever happened. I've started meditation, running on an elliptical, and cold showers which have helped some. Now I realize more than ever that I need to make peace with the past, but that seems to be a challenge for me at the moment.

When did you hit the flatline? Prior to starting NoFap or during a streak?

 

[Deleted Account]

I've been giving this idea a thought recently, but speaking for myself I fail to see the trauma. I really don't think I was traumatized, I just always longed for intimacy with a woman and I believe this desire is healthy.
But instead of pursuing real relationships I went the easy route to M (when I was young) and later on to P, which are both fake forms of intimacy.

When I look at the question "why the pain", in my case the pain is this lack of intimacy, and I feel my answer is "because I am not in a romantic relationship". Perhaps I'm wrong about this but I can't see any other answer.

And I feel this is the case of many guys who are addicted to PMO like me.

You shouldn't pursue a relationship in desperate search of happiness. No one wants to be around a person who is miserable and thinks that getting a woman will solve all their problems. True happiness will come out of yourself. You're not dependant on anyone, but see the surrounding world as a whole. That's why it feels so good to watch the surrounding nature after a good streak on nofap, all the beauty in it. That's when you know you're on the right path. For me, that is when I know that no amount of money or women or any artificial substitute will make it better. It's there, has always been, you just need to see it right, feel it right. All materialism does, is obfuscate it.

EDIT: I wrote this before reading Fenix's post below, hence tautology.

 

[angelpart]

I totally agree with you guys in that completeness does not come from circumstances. Some part of me thinks this is only achieved in God but I've had a hard time experiencing it.

However I feel my desire for a romantic relationship is something different, something I've always wanted to experience but never have.

 

[Ketonian]

When did you hit the flatline? Prior to starting NoFap or during a streak?

The flatline started 3 days into this streak. Before this streak I had lasted 6 days without PMO since starting NoFAP. I just realized I've been flatlined for 30 days. I suspect this flatline is going to last several months. I started watching porn when I was 14, and things gradually kept getting more out of hand, and Now I'm 41.