The Race to 90 - To the victor goes the title

Welcome JR-62. I'm gonna try post here more frequently as it does help. Good luck!

 

Day 1 of 90: Today, I officially take ownership of the thoughts and habits that I have allowed to define me. I admit that I have allowed it to become an addiction and tremendously disturbed by how out of control I feel.

Today thoughts of P ran through my mind several times. But writing this post was my motivation to stay strong. I want to take my recovery one daily post at a time and I invite any of you to follow up with me if I miss a day.

My story paragraph 1 of 90: My story is one that I am sure will resonate with the similarities that others have experienced. It is a journey that started with curiosity and strong emotions and that grew into dark valleys of shame, mountains made of bad habits, trails of destruction, cavers of the soul festering with loneliness, and bitter hate. And while I have arrived in an inner state of being that closely resembles Mordor or Dantes inferno I must ask if there is still a balm to heal my wounds and yellow brick road that can take me back home to warmth and peace of Shire of the soul.

 

Let’s do this

 

Day 2 of 90: Today was a really good day. I got a lot more sleep last night then I have gotten the past few days. PMO have definitely played into that behavior, That and the fact that I have been wanting to get up in the morning and go to work. I must admit that I have got to find some better habits for when I am emotionally low. In the past PMO has been my cure all and I'm going to need another outlet. I am open to recommendation.

My story paragraph 2 of 90: My story started in my early teens and originally with a spam email. I was young dumb and thought, "what could be the harm in opening this one." It is funny to me how vividly I can remember that moment. The emotions were extremely exciting and scary. I had never experienced anything like it before and I didn't even MO. But a part of my human experience had gone from dormitory to being blown wide open with C4 and napalm. And while it is normal for that door to be opened in life I was not emotionally ready for that door to be opened. My next actions would start to reflect that retaliation.

 

Glad it was a good day. They're a good time to stockpile tactics / prep for the not so good days (e.g. emotionally low days). I don't think there's any one good outlet to replace the PMO, but many (hobbies/creativity, exercise....even logging into Nofap and having a vent!) help. But it's difficult as we automatically turn to PMO when real life 'let's us down' and we don't feel like doing anything that takes effort.
This is my second reboot attempt and I do feel a bit better placed to deal with the bad days than before. The temptation to PMO is still there, but I'm a bit better prepared for it - firstly because I know there will be bad days and I'm ready for one and secondly because I now have a number of options to avoid relapsing.
I'm also working on reducing (perhaps not eliminating) the fantasising as it makes the PMO temptation weaker. Going to start meditating as this trains the mind to be strong without having to 'try' not to think about things

 

So day 29 and it's been a challenging start to the year (as per an older post of mine).
The Xmas period and a bout of flu disrupted the good routines I'd built and I had to go back to square one on the healthy habits (though hasn't taken long to get back to where I need to be).
I did weeks 2-6 are the 'flatline' period where it's supposed to be easier to resist urges, but I'm still getting them. Hence why I'm going to do what I can to avoid all porn fantasising and touching as this just makes it harder.

To end on a positive.....today I am job hunting on the laptop - at home in an empty house. The thought hit me - "S*** I could look at P right now, have a quick nap and....no I'm going to have a shower and get down the local coffee shop and improve my life a little more". 3 months ago that 2nd part of the sentence would be something else.
This isn't even a decision which needs a huge amount of willpower. Its a no brainer.
I think this is progress

 

Thanks Jefe you too!

 

Day 3 of 90: I’m not gonna lie today wasn’t an easy day for me. Mainly because I need more sleep, I need an attitude adjustment, the excitement of join NoFap is eating off, and my roommates were talking about so P topics. I had to stop myself from participating in the conversation. But I have made it through the day. But for some reason I fear tomorrow more then today. It is typically a down hill trend for the next 2 to 3 days after having a rough day. So I need some support and encouragement over the next few days.

My Story 3/90: My story continues with me acting out of a teenager that is interested in sexual things. The participation in things P things like truth and dare, dirty storytelling, and looking at images online. These things caused the stiring of an inner conflict that still rages to this day. While in the moment I knew that I wanted to do those things when all was said and done I would be consumed with guilt and frustration. This tug-of-war of the mind ripped at me and frankly still does. I liked to think I was a good kid but then participated in PMO and it was a part of me that I really didn’t want in my life. This disagreement in my mind between what I want to be and what I keep doing is truly the most unsettling part of all. It is like walking on a frozen lake where one moment you feel a blazing determination to make it across safely and then you knowing walk to the thin ice knowing the bitter after effects. This whiplash back and forth has made me feel emotionally out of control and filled with fear that others would reject me if they knew how I wasn’t completed in control of myself. So I slowly pushed everyone away, I put up incredibly good masks that I called the fight for my independendance, and so closed myself off. And I told myself that when I got control of my actions I would allow myself to once again regain my emotional connections. And it has turned into a lonely shell of a life filled with fear doubt and shame.

 

Day 4 of 90: Wow what a day. I couldn’t wait for the weekend to start I worked the day away and then found myself after work with nothing to do. This is by far one of the worset moments in time for my PMO. On a Friday night with nothing to do. I start having a fantastic pity party for myself. This pity party where I feel sad and lonely is often then incredible trigger to lead me too PMO. But tonight rather sitting at home, I went out on the town.

 

Glad to hear! It's these moments which are the true test. So easy to give in when you feel sorry for yourself. So easy to think 'life isn't that great without PMO, might as well PMO'. But whether you're feeling good, bad or indifferent, this is never the answer. If I may ask do you live with family or friends or alone? It's doubly difficult when you're home alone!

 

Yesterday was a strong day. No coincidence that I barely paused for breath - very little time for fantasising or M. When the thoughts did come I didn't 'fight' them as such, I just didn't indulge them either (I think this is a much better long term strategy than fighting everything which uses up energy reserves).
Frustrating evening, I'm trying to search for a job as a full time job (9-5 every weekday) but not convinced wife respects this as always being asked to look after our 1 year old (who's into everything) while she naps or doesn't feel well (which seems to be about half the time). Battling on so many fronts, feels literally impossible sometimes - but if nothing else I want to sleep at night knowing I did my best. So once the baby was asleep, I decided to go to bed instead of getting drunk and going on the laptop. Right decision!

 

Thanks buddy. Hows things with you? Congratulations on hitting 31! We're already a 1/3 of the way there(!), albeit I have no intention of throwing a binge party on day 90

 

Day 5 of 90: Last night I didn’t post so i’m getting it in this morning. Yesterday was a good day on the PMO front. Mostly I think it is because I was busy. But today is the real test, Sunday’s are slow days with not much to do other then church and such. It typically leads to boredom and thinking about the fact that I have to go to a job I don’t like in the mornings. Both of these are really big triggers for PMO. The second one even more then the first. How do you guys deal with your emotional lows?