The Race to 90 - To the victor goes the title

I believe that winning these battles are the greatest achievement a human can accomplish. They are silent victories that others don’t typically see or know about but they change worlds

 

That's a pretty inspiring quote! You're right, we don't do this for a medal at the end but our own inherent sense of achievement and making the lives of those we care about better

 

Do you not like the job because it's boring/depressing or stressful/anxiety inducing? I ask because I think there are slightly different approaches to dealing with different emotions.
I hope the following helps, even if only a tiny bit. I might ramble a bit - so much in my head but difficult to concisely write down sometimes....

So there's so many emotional triggers for PMO (and other self destructive behaviours) that I think we need a toolbox of different so strategies. Some time ago I made a list of 'negative' emotions and a couple of simple thoughts/ideas for each one.

Boredom - 'there's nothing better to do than PMO'.
But there's always something else I can do to beat the boredom. Like spend more time with my son, go for a walk, catch a nap (if overtired!), look for a new job....or log in to NoFap! Or maybe I should try and write one sentence of that story I want to write but never get time for

Frustration/Anger - 'I've been wronged and I could so easily have a PMO now. That'll show em'
If someone else has made me angry, going off for a fap will just punish 'poor me' more. I could instead go for a run, bite my nails, have a rant, or channel that anger into bettering my life instead of letting others make it worse. Oh and I could have a vent on NoFap!


Feeling sorry myself - 'Great that's wrecked my plans despite me approaching everything in the write way. Poor me. I think I've earned the consolation of PMO'
Healthier ways than tapping to make myself feel better. Connecting with friends/family, watching a comedy, or embracing the challenge of bouncing back. And there's always NoFap!

Anxiety/Stress - 'I just can't clear my mind. PMO will comfort and relax me'
Probably the toughest one and not something I've had to deal with as much since becoming unemployed. But there are so many other ways to relax, such as meditation, deep breathing, talking things through with others/getting positive reaffirmation. And NoFap is a good place for that

Along with meditation (which doesn't remove negative emotion but can make much easier to deal with) I have tried cognitive behavioural therapy which I find quite useful

Do you get the NoFap newsletters? Free and really useful. I got one today from Mark Queppet about dealing with bad days - he uses the analogy of the F1 racer. Our instinct is to rush straight to the finish line (in our case being 'PMO free' I suppose) but the winner is prepared for the fact they'll have to slow down for the bends (bad days) and 'lean in' to them before accelerating back out. The trick is not crash out of the race. Obviously he describes this far more eloquently than I have

 

Man I was laughing out loud because of how close to home they strike. All of the emotions and thought processes are so true. And the after effects are true too.

 

Day 6 of 90: Okay so today was surprisingly positive. And most of all, getting on here to post and read what you all have writen each day is both motivating and encouraging. Plus it is nice to have a place to share my thoughts. Yeah I still don’t want to go to work in the morning, but PMO will only make me depressed and frustrated.

I do have another question for all of you. I will admit that this morning was a little rough due to the nature of my dreams the other night. How do you all manage your thoughts and mindset after having dreams that are filled P content? I have found that in the past it has shattered my mindset of staying away from PMO.

 

Unfortunately the dreams do put your mind on P again - but I don't worry too much about what I can't control. I just accept them and move on. Those dreams are nowhere near as damaging as looking at more porn, in fact I think they're an inevitable part of the healing process. I expect in time those dreams will become less frequent and/or be replaced with stuff from your imagination rather than porn

 

Day 7 of 90: Today was 95% good except for my dirty sense of humor. My roommates and I always get joking about things of a sexual nature and tonight I was making all kinds of jokes that were no good for me or my mind. I find more and more that the infuance of PMO has drifted into a lot of different parts of my life. I don’t have to be dirty to be funny. I would like to work more on changing my thoughts. Do any of you have some recommended readings to help me with this?

 

Day 8 of 90: Captains log, today was nothing crazy except for one event. At about noon today I was thinking about a woman I have recently been dating and I found my mind wondering to things that it shouldn’t as it did I was triggered and was hit by a massive wave of P thoughts and images. These thoughts sent my mind freaking out. In the past triggers like that caused my world to crash in around me with PMO. Today I found strength in knowing and looking forward to posting. There is something extremely calming about knowing that I have a place to post honest thoughts and experiences without having the fear of being judged or feelings shamed. So I guess what I am really saying is thank you.

 

Well done JR-62! The gratitude is mutual, it's incredible what a bit of openness and support can do for your self belief!

 

So day 35....wow it's actually come round quick! Yesterday was challenging at times - at home alone with laptop! I have found having a basic routine (going to bed and getting up more or less the same time each day, going out for coffee after lunch) really helps.
But the mornings are still a risk - the temptation is still there but is far weaker than it was. And the willpower is far stronger

Slight set back, I started touching to some non sexual ASMR. It doesn't really help - think it's another thing I'm going to have to cut out entirely, at least for the reboot

I'm not beating myself up - I have made more progress than I ever thought I would! But this is a marathon and not a race - the main thing is a little progress every day.

 

Ok guys. No pleasure in writing this as I don't want to bring moods down. I had to reset today. I basically had a moment of weakness and POd.
It was a non visual P story but it was still P.
I feel terrible and like I've let myself and others down.
An odd thing happened, the 'good voice' told me to stop half way through but was immediately crushed by the thought that "I've already started so I need to reset anyway, might as well have the pleasure of M & O!"

I knew a set back was likely at some stage but now I'm in for a huge psychological battle to retain the positivity I have built up and definitely not binge. This is arguably the BIGGER crunch moment - more than that moment of weakness with the P.

I need to have a think what my next goal should be (hence defaulting to 'meeting my goals' on the tracker). I want to build on what I've done already. I still had 35 days more or less clean - that has to count for something?

Some thoughts I have;

* Reattempt 90 day reboot (no P or MO), but have a mini goal of 37 days (beat my streak)

* Attempt the same but with even stricter parameters on the P and M (i.e. no touching, no triggers ever, no fantasies ever). This requires a bit of self judgement on when and when not to reset

* Cut out P only, limit MO to maximum once a week and avoid P fantasy (would be less than once a week if and when I get back my sex life with wife, which is currently non existent). 90 days would be the mini goal here - basically FOREVER is the ultimate aim! I think this is a healthy place to end up (my view is M in moderation is ok)

Would love to get your thoughts, and though it feels needy, I need your encouragement! My rational mind says treat this as a minor setback and don't call it a relapse - but none of us would be here if all that mattered was rationality!

 

Thanks buddy. Tbh I'm still analysing the weak moment. It came from no where. Breaking the routine didn't help i.e. instead of going out I thought 'ah it's rainy and I really can't face applying for yet another job' (gets very monotonous). I then went for a power nap (mistake 1), listened to some non sexual ASMR (mistake 2) and that turned to an erotic story. This is not to say what I did was overall positive, but I did note signs of improved stamina (without going into graphic detail) but it was still to porn. And I lost best part of an afternoon - that doubles the let down feeling. I'm still reflecting to work out what I can learn from this other than to be even harder on myself /stricter when a potential trigger approaches.

One positive I can definitely still take (if I manage to hold on) is that if I can go another 37 days from now (or more), then I'll have avoided the binge interval which took place after my last reset (which became a relapse).

I don't mind being open about my sex life on here. It used to be pretty good, not necessarily amazing, but we were both happy and liked to try new things etc. It had always been a bit wax & wane - i.e. periods where its been really active followed by us realising we've been a month without doing anything and thinking that was a lot......however since before the birth of our son, we've not had sex once (nearly 2 years). And played around just a handful of times. Shocking I know.

It's got to the point where I've given up trying to instigate it. We've had our problems since our son came* - there's been a lot of stresses in our lives and we're not always that nice to each other. Makes the physical side of things even lower down the pecking order.
It's something we're working on. We still love each other and I think find each other attractive. But sex has turned into a much bigger deal than it should be.

* I wouldn't have it any other way, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me and another great motivator for sorting my life out!

 

Oh man Andy that is rough. Slip up days are always filled with a lot of negative self talk for me. But you got to remember how far you have come. If go to the gym for 37 days straight and then miss a day, all is not lost. You still have physical strength and mental habits you have created. I am told that the brain is just a muscle and if that’s true you have been working out for 37 days and one day off day. You have new habits and muscles that need to be worked. Chin up, chest out, greet the day with a smile, knowing that in present is completely undefined and the past doesn’t was but a moment.

 

Day 9 of 90: I was busy today and didn’t have a moment to even think about PMO. I am great full to make it another 24hrs. My life gets a little better every day.

 

Thanks buddy, I appreciate the advice and for sharing. Wow four kids! Good for you, I find one challenging but equally would love to have more
I doubt she'd go for the scheduled time, but it can't hurt to suggest! I think it's more pragmatic than just never doing it! We have talked about having another child so that would naturally be an opportunity. But I think we need to improve things between us before we introduce another little person

Although I wouldn't say there's a single fix for my PMO, I think a better relationship with my wife would undoubtedly help a lot. Maybe marriage counselling wouldn't be a bad idea if things don't improve (only so much I can do but I am on working on my own issues, and we've had an unusually high amount of change in our lives over the past year)

I'm banking those 37 days and starting again. This is the real test. The chaser effect is ready to pounce and I need to take care - I'm not going to relapse back into old habits. I've put safe mode on youtube but going to need to rely on my own self discipline as I can easily change this!

 

If you don't mind me asking - does your wife know about your battle with PMO? I don't know if mine would understand, but more importantly she has enough **** to deal with, without me putting this on her. But I think if she saw my internet activity it would be an even bigger motivator to stop.