The reason why you are addicted to "sissy-porn"

Well that was gross. I know I can be normal and not feel those things. I’m so ashamed of it and I’m just stuck in an endless cycle.

 

What was the name of that podcast? I’ll definitely give it a listen. I’ve just been in such a shitty spot in my life but I’m finally getting a new job and things are gonna get better.

 

This stuff is straight up ruining my life and I can't freaking stop it. I know it's one of the most unhealthy and toxic kinks to be into but I still charge head first into it.

I'm scared because I'm not sure how much longer I can resist the urges to make this fantasy, a reality... and if I do, I think there's no looking back.

I do have some trauma from abuse in a hetero long term marriage as a domestic abuse survivor and I wonder if this all isn't my brains way of "protecting me" by having new dark kinks to try and take back my power from it all.

I dont know but I'm worried I'll lose an amazing girlfriend after finally meeting someone with all the things I didn't know to look for in the past.

Help me.

 

bro trust me i have heard one scholar say fitrah wich is ''natural disposition'' will come to normal after controlling those urges and conquering it, i think what he meant is die hard maxx nofap like 3000+ days till you become normal

 

i mean you would be sexually so powerful if you did that

 

I don't think it's as simple as giving it a number of days and there you're cured. The problem is that when we watch porn we are essentially associating certain sexual situations with the pleasure we feel watching those situations, in other words, you wrongfully think something is pleasurable or sexually arousing you when in reality it's not, but in the moment you are convinced it is. This essentially defines the word corruption. It's unnatural, misleading and going against your very identity, convincing you you are something you aren't. Psychologically it's called association. We are like Pavlov's dogs, except that we are visually mistaking sexual situations as being extremely pleasurable when in reality they are not. Porn just makes them look that way in some very beyond explanation weird hypnotizing manner.

 

I toyally agree with you. I have done everything and made a loooong post that got deleted when I minimized the window. But the thing is that after years of being into this and passing a thousand of stages I can tell that is just reward system corrupted. I still struggle with the thing, but know I know my reality and so It's more difficult for the pull of this to entrap me. Still, some days I succumb to dressing up and masturbating. Because i's been difficult to stop watching it. I live woth my girlfriend, so when i have spare time and she is in the office i see her clothes and it's ñike I stopped fpr a while and the thing is my mind returned to normal fanradies, but as soon as i started jerking off again, i went straight to porn and in like a week i was back into sissy videos and then it all came back. The same way it happens with drugs or alcohol. The thing is with a thing like heroin or cocaine, you know there is going to be repercussions, so when you stop for real and understand that life is better without them and ypu don't need them, you are free and stop craving the drug.
The difference here is that horniness is part of life and add to that, that society supports masturbation, transitioning and such, so you are kind of encouraged to do it because "it's the real you". And when you are low in self esteem you are easy prey to this shit that treats you like a piece of shit and tells you you are not a man, because you feel less of a man for some reason, thus confirming the message, thus dunking you more into it. And then you think that since you crave it and then look fpr this on crossdressers forums and see that they all say that is never going away you end up thinking, "well it's a part of me then". the thing is. If you like it, keep on doing it. If you are here you basically dpn't like it and underdtand that is a proble.. and life is about solving problems. So at leeast you know that you are not alone. In fact. For the person that actually reads this in the future, ask yourself why, if it's not a drug and it's really your desires, then why allcrossdressers that are into this fetish crave the caged dick and the black cock fetish? Look arpund, ask arpund, watch the porn analitycaly. They all have the same words, terms, messages, etc.
Today for me was bad. And i srarted to blame myself, because i sucumbed, mi girl has some erotic clpthes and i dressed up completely and the fapped tp it. I look at myself and think, shit i'm sexy, then i cum and it's like a fix that needs another fix, that feels less intense but more anxious, and then there is the realization that i love asses and tits and vaginas, since when i'm on the streets that's all i focus on.

Well that is mi 2 cents.

Long 2 cents bit yeah, i wrote this because i wanted a little support, to help other that maybe are mpte confused than me as i was at some point. And to rationalize.

 

It’s been quite a while, and I’ve had ups and down with this but the last couple days have been a lot of downs. I started a new job and am generally doing way better in my life then I was months ago but for some reason the urge to watch porn and more importantly go to a glory hole has been spiraling out of my control. For the last few days any second of free time I have my mind immediately wanders to thinking of being used by tons of men and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I try not to be too graphic on here because I know how triggering even the slightest mention of this stuff can be. I hate not even being able to taste the spit in my mouth without thinking of it being something else. The rational part of my brain is completely shutting down and I don’t know if I’d be able to stop myself from going to a book store and relapsing if I find a block of time that I can do it. I know I don’t want to but god I want to more then anything. I wanna stick the needle in, I can’t stop watching porn when I’m alone, I can’t think about anything other then

Spoiler

the feeling of dick in my mouth

 

Well I almost relapsed today. I had an errand to run after work and I was passing by a theater. I took the detour, parked, walked in and found that I didn’t have the cash in my wallet for the cover charge. I turned around and left to continue my day. I know I’m grateful I didn’t go through with it. I know it’ll be significantly better in every imaginable way for every aspect of my mental health, the health of my my relationship, and my self confidence. But man did it suck having to turn around and leave when I was just so so close to getting what I’ve been begging for for so long. I know I don’t need any of this but it’s just so so easy to go to an adult theater and get dozens of men to do whatever they want whenever I want. Compared to building a healthy and understanding relationship with my girlfriend built on trust and confidence and yatta yatta. Ones just so much easier. And while she doesn’t blow me, meanwhile I’m going fucking insane

Spoiler

every time I close my eyes I see dicks and ass and skirts

it’s all I want and I can’t have it, and she could have it as much as she wants, but she doesn’t want it.

 

I sadly relapsed to this again today. But i found that the first month on nofap I found these kind of thoughts passed and I slowly became more attracted to women. Then I relapsed to vanilla porn and then lasted another month after this I built a better relationship with my wife and engaged in enjoyable sex with my wife.

but I find that I have triggers one of them is night duty. For whatever reason my mind still associates this kind of porn with sleeping during the day so I relapsed today and yesterday.

Also I find that this kind of addiction can be streaghthed by a binge. The first time after those two months I couldn’t even really get hard to this kind of porn but after a couple of times of looking at different porn my mind eventually returns to this kind of stuff.

but I agree that negative experiences that demean one masculinity can also make this kind of porn quite attractive to the subconscious mind because it reinforces an underlying feeling that we are not good enough which feels right

 

Well I’m still watching porn and jerking off non stop, in my time on the internet i found a very discrete hookup site and turns out there’s a ton of gay dudes and active cruising locations around me and my work. I don’t know exactly what I’m gonna end up doing with this information but I’ve been texting random men anonymously all day trying to get a quick hookup lined up. Much easier said then done when you live with your gf and she can track your phone. I know I’m a monster actively trying to cheat on my gf but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Spoiler

my sex drive is really weird and messed up, I haven’t cum in days but sometimes when I get exited I just start… pouring a little bit. Me and my girlfriend were kinda playing around earlier and she put my legs up and started dry humping me and I started leaking like crazy. Im scared to let her peg me because I’d literally orgasm the second she would put it in and that’s embarrassing

 

It’s this whole genre of hypnosis videos that are made to fucking program your brain as hard as possible. It’s like those YouTube kids videos with all the bright flashing colors made to wire their brains to the screen but made for insecure men instead. You watch it for a little and your brain gets hooked on the dopamine, but there’s this deep shame that it also gives you with it. you’re watching this porn that’s telling you that you’re weak, incompetent, pathetic and not a man. The way they play it hooks your subconscious to it and then you start feeling like less and less of a man. It destroys any and all of the confidence you might have and reinforces it with bullshit about how you should be a woman and how much easier it is. Trying to beat it is like trying to overcome a heroin addiction.

 

She’s done it before and isn’t against it or offended by it. We’ve been dating over a year and I know what I can ask for and what I cant. I don’t even ask for anything anymore, this one a rare time where I wanted to try expressing what I wanted