The recovery escalator

So what a week it has been. After finally coming clean to my wife, friends and family ( the hardest thing I’ve ever done btw). What a step this has been, I’ve had crazy emotions all week, and have been coming up constantly. Im not used to having all these feelings in a short period of time. I’ve also been to my first meeting, ever, another crazy emotional day prior to the meeting, on the way to the meeting, at the meeting, but it subsided after things started. I loved it, I like the way they do things, the way they welcomed me, everything about it. Why was I so scared… as my wife said to me “ it’s your demons talking to you, stirring up your fear”. I had the craziest fight or flee moment in my life. ( now I understand my wife a little bit more, as she has had that feeling for a very long time).
As I sat there, crazy full of emotions, I sang the songs, said the prayers, watched the video, I could feel more and more at ease, less weight on my shoulders, less burden to carry around. A lot of things said on the video resonated with me, on things I haven’t even thought I might be doing, anger, resentment, jealousy, etc…
When it came to sharing, I listened, soaked their words like I’ve been parched, stuck in a dessert, shared some, not as much as I should of, but I’ll be back, I will share. One thing resonated with me. “ recovery is difficult, you have to work on it everyday, it’s like being on an escalator, when you work, your going up, but as soon as you stop, your going backwards, and god knows I don’t want to go back there again”. That hit home for me, a visual reminder to work, work hard, forgive yourself, shine the light on your inner darkness, it’s worth the work, I’ve avoided it for so long, and I missed a lot of opportunities along the way.
Seek help, find a group meeting, don’t half a$$ the work, be true ( to yourself as well).
It’s time to start feeling the good feelings, and leave the bad ones behind, they drove that bus for too long, love yourself, it feels good.
Love my recovery family

 

Alright, today was a whole other kinda day. I feel like I could climb a mountain (if you knew me I wouldn’t even think or suggest climbing one, I’m more comfortable walking on the beach, or trail than climbing any hill for that matter).
Not the greatest sleep, but sleep nonetheless. I look outside, see the sun shinning, and for a long time, I feel joy, happiness. I don’t remember the last time I felt good, a really long time.
Got some work stuff done and caught up, made a big dinner, made cookies, crazy the energy level I had today compared to the past year, and probably longer, I’m just guessing the last time I had energy.
I want to say to any new recovery brother/sister/insert yourself here. That as hard as it is to do the work to recover, their is days that the sun is shinning, and we have to stop, take a breath, soak it all in for a moment or two. But the key is looking forward, not backwards.

 

So this is where I'm at. Still sober since October 10th, had tons of emotions, some good, some bad. My wife separated from my sorry as$, and I don't blame her, I blame me. It's my fault of the situation we are in. It's my addiction that put me here, not in my house, with my wife which I love with all my heart, but what does that mean. I've lied to her so long, why would she talk to me. Why did I lie to her in the first place. I'll tell you why, I'm a coward that didn't want to face things head on. I never did. Never had to. Either my mother or sister would fight my battles, or tell me what I should do or say. They did what was best for them, with the tools they had. I have to forgive them for that. Not act out on any feelings I get that reminds me of those days. 1. I'm not that person anyways. 2. I have to stop being a pansy, say what I meN, and mean it. My past shouldn't hold me or my loved ones back. But it did. I've used my issues as my crutch. I've leaned on it as an excuse, oh look at my life, my past... boohoo, time to grow a pair, stop leaning on others, be the one sho people leans on.
I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've done, the pain I've caused to my favorite person. The one that meshes with my energy. Why did I listen to my damn demon. Because I was afraid she would leave, and now my eirst fears are coming true. All because I didn't stop and the 2 seconds and think... if I do this, what are the consequences. Nope. That burden on my shoulders made sure I didn't listen. But the only one that can stop him is me. No excuses.
Group meeting Monday, can't wait.
Will continue meditating, I will manifest my intentions, I will stay sober, I have higher power at work, and I have belief for the first time, belief in myself, belief in higher power, belief that good things are coming out of this situation.
I will stY strong

 

Thank you optimistic7. Like I said if onlyb1 person is reached with my stories, then I have done something good. My next step is to make amends to my wife, my partner, which I've left her in the cold, never k owing what to do. Bit her reaching out today has made everything possible. She reached out before, but in my blindness couldn't see what she wanted. I've been in defensive posture for most of my life, it's time that I feel the pain I have Inflicted on others, and I'll be able to grow, even more than I ever expected.

 

Today is my 1 month sober, it’s been a tough one, the emotions that pop up, the random crying, the good emotions, bad ones, just simply emotions. I think of something, and emotions bubble up. But you know what… it’s a good thing. I’ve suppress all or most emotions, most of my life. I’ve kept people at bay, afraid, always afraid. But by doing shadow work today, I figured out why I lack empathy. And I lack an enormous amount of it.
I figured out why, and that led me to why other peoples feelings aren’t as important than mine( which is wrong) also led me to resentment that I’ve been carrying around, and putting on everyone but me. Showed me the shame I carried with all of this. I’m trying to get if this hamster wheel I’ve put us on. I am dismantling this person that I have been, and rebuilding the better man, it’s hard, but like the quote says, if it was easy then everyone would do it. I’m not afraid anymore, I’m embracing the changes, the uncertainty and trusting the universe that this is it. It’s what I have to do, for a better us, my wife has shown tremendous strength, that I never acknowledged,just to be able to look me in the eyes and listen, be in my company and try and work this through. I’m making mistakes, I am learning, a lot of this is new to me, ie communicating my feelings, but I have to step back and listen to her, which is my Achilles heel, it’s not that I don’t value her or her feelings, I have to face the fact that I hurt her, and deeply, over and over, I really hope we can get on the other side of this, get the life she deserves with the man she sees in me. Have a great day everyone.

 

Also, today was the most difficult one as the stress level was crazy high, I fought hard to stay sober, I did succeed, thank god, but damn today was difficult

 

Thanks talz and optimistic7. The last 2 days have been the worst, but they don’t compare to the 11 years I’ve repeatedly did this to her. It is best for her if we call it, she’s been through too much, and can’t continue like this, it’s not fair for her recovery that I am anywhere near, I’ve made it way worse, it’s not good for her and it’s not fair to keep rubbing the pain. I hope she can find the man she deserves, that will cherish her, love her, want to do stuff/be with her in the present, like it should of been from the start. I finally get it, I wish I could of been this strong 11 years or more to do the work, hope she can finally have peace and be whole again.

 

I will continue my recovery, I will be a man of morales and integrity for once in my life I will continue making the right choices

 

Today I have gratitude in my soul. My wife left me spend time in our house while she was away. Gave me a chance to ground myself. To see what we have built together, to see what I have thrown away because of my choices. Yes they are choices, and you can blame th3 addiction or whatever you usually blame. But I made the choice, for my own selfish reasons.
I’m sorry that I threw everything away, my uneducated butt is my fault, I could of done this work before, but I let my fears run my gut feeling, I hope in the future she can see that I’m not the same person I was yesterday, let alone 1 month, 1 year ago. And I will be a better man tomorrow than what I am today. Growth is what I strive for, I know what I want to do for my hobby, I see it clear as day.
i love her, and no one else, their is no room in my heart for anyone else, she is the only one for me, I’ve held on my hang ups, that I didn’t know I held or didn’t want to know I had, but bringing stuff to the light, it’s easy to get rid of the hang ups. I hope I can prove to her I mean my words, and I own my faults, my stupidity, the hurt and burden I put on her, I hope she can heal, find peace and all the love she deserves. She has endured enormous pain, and torments for too long,she needs her space and time away from me.

 

So I had an epiphany tonight. When we were talking the other day, my wife was asking me all the questions, which I answered honestly and didn’t try to drag the stuff out, a lot of my disclosure I never faced, it was new to me. But she asked if she was the one that got away, at the time, not thinking, just trying to process, I said yes,then she asked if I still loved her, I was so full of shame I hung my head, but I didn’t answer her, I was trying not to defend, but I should of said, no I’m not in love with her, my stupid ass should of said, the only one that got away is you, you are the one I love, I’ve made a mess out of everything. She needs time away from me to have a chance at healing, there’s nothing I’m praying for more. With every fiber in my body. She needs a strong, honest man who can be there for her

 

Well, hope is one powerful motivation. From Friday to Monday night/Tuesday morning, I thought my whole life was done,I had failed, completely. Then Monday we talked, she came to the group meeting, we talked some more. Went our separate ways for the night.and we talked some more, and more, and both were realizing ok, things are making more sense, from both of us, she was able to wrap things around my frozen molasses of a brain, their is still lots do work on, to figure out, to shine a light on all the nooks and crannies in both of us. but the way I’m seeing her, the way I should of seen her from the moment I laid eyes on her, I’m sorry my insecurities have hurt, demoralize, make her feel less than, when she is my goddess, my dream, my treasure chest, she is the light at the end of my dark tunnel. I love her so much, I hate what has happened between us, it is my fault, my failure to do the work, to get this, these moments right now, we could of had, if I would of done my work. But trust me, nothing will ever stop me from being the safe person she needs, she deserves. I will protect heart beautiful heart, it’s always been about me, I pushed her and everything aside for my needs.no more. I’m her shield, her everything she will needs.
I pray for everyone here that struggles with addiction, affairs, emotional affairs, and whatever hang ups you have. Do not let the light of hope dim the light. Even if you think all is lost, keep working, keep getting better, for you, and your family. Never stop, look in the windshield instead of the rear view mirror, their is a reason why the rear view is a lot smaller, look ahead and dream big, or look back, and stay small.
Good luck, and keep shinning that light, saying things out loud removes it’s power over you(her quote, and I like it).
Find a group meeting, find a team of expert professionals to guide you. Work. Work. Work.

 

So I’m learning a lot, one thing that came to light real fast, and it was a big trigger for my wife after I came back home. I quickly procrastinated on getting something done, I pushed it off, knowingly because things seemed good, I didn’t want to rock the boat and mostly did not want to deal with the situation at the time,and for 2 or 3 days I did not do the work I promised my wife I would do. That my friends is a stupid move, I might of been present, loving every second I spent with my wife, but I chose not to take some time and watch videos, read a few articles, grow my gray matter so I can be what my wif3 needs, a safe place. Now all the good work I’ve done, is now 10 steps back, because she couldn’t count on me, again.
I’ve learned some about complex ptsd, not fully understand it, but I’ll read and understand it, I’ve also learned about limerance, again I will need a few articles on it. I’ll keep everyone updated on my progress…

 

Thank you @hope4healing I will get the book, anything to help our recovery I’m in. Much appreciated