The Search For Enlightenment

A beggar had been sitting by the side of a road for over thirty years. One day a stranger walked by. “Spare some change?” mumbled the beggar, mechanically holding out his old baseball cap. “I have nothing to give you,” said the stranger. Then he asked: “What’s that you are sitting on?” “Nothing,” replied the beggar. “Just an old box. I have been sitting on it for as long as I can remember.” “Ever looked inside?” asked the stranger. “No,” said the beggar. “What’s the point? There’s nothing in there.” “Have a look inside,” insisted the stranger. The beggar managed to pry open the lid. With astonishment, disbelief, and elation, he saw that the box was filled with gold. I am that stranger who has nothing to give you and who is telling you to look inside. Not inside any box, as in the parable, but somewhere even closer: inside yourself.
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

 

A young boy came to his Grandfather, filled with anger at another boy who had done him an injustice.
The old Grandfather said to his grandson, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and hate does not hurt your enemy. Hate is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times."
"It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offence when no offence was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. But the other wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper."
"He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, because his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, because both of the wolves try to dominate my spirit."
The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which wolf will win, Grandfather?"
The Grandfather smiled and said, "The one I feed."

 

Not all addictions are rooted in abuse or trauma, but I do believe they can all be traced to painful experience. A hurt is at the centre of all addictive behaviours. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic. The wound may not be as deep and the ache not as excruciating, and it may even be entirely hidden—but it’s there. As we’ll see, the effects of early stress or adverse experiences directly shape both the psychology and the neurobiology of addiction in the brain.
Gabor Mate, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts:

 

Thanks, I find him great to listen to outdoors whilst meditating/clearing my mind with eyes open.

 

I’ve recently learned. A lot of my negative acting out is a way of punishing myself because I feel guilty, a failure, I’ve let people down I need to make them proud, I need to step up and achieve I need, I need/I’m not good enough. So I try and escape and let go of trying which makes me feel guilty so I punish myself. My life is mine, the world is mine to explore how I choose for me

 

We are steeped in the normalized myth that we are, each of us, mere individuals striving to attain private goals. The more we define ourselves that way, the more estranged we become from vital aspects of who we are and what we need to be healthy. Gabour Mate, the Myth of Normal

 

Did a bit about this in therapy if it’s any use to anyone:
http://socialworktech.com/2012/01/09/stages-of-change-prochaska-diclemente/

 

Here come the urges….
Felt tired all day, warn out from projects and new ideas and spending. A shopping spree usually pops up at this sort of time. Usually after being very productive I become warn out and drained. I haven’t got the energy in me to be a good F… so I used to hand over control for an hour and let a dom, femdom or even escalated to trans escort take control as an escape. Maybe I feel guilty for being warn out to and not achieving enough! It’s all complicated anyway.

Spoiler: Potential trigger

Went and seen a hot female as escort and said I’m tired can she seduce me secretary or something. She was so fit but not quite provocative enough. I’ve pushed the boundaries on sex obviously so crave more and more. Towards the end she started to tease under my bits. Oh no the forbidden zone/taboo. I then thought of her kissing a trans lust, spit, enhanced body parts, snakes if they want. Anyway switched back to her and finished.

Tbh I felt better before after a bath a change of cloths and on my way to see her. But was aware the chaser effect would come looking this evening. I’ve stirred things up a bit, but also learnt and realised this shits getting boring and isn’t giving me the real connection I’m searching for. Just hungry ghosts some that are trying to fill a void with money from selling themselves and respect. And others searching for release through lust and also loosing self respect. Anyway just staying present and being aware of all the silly little excuses my brains going to make to get me to act out with the toxic stuff. No emergency button needed just a lot of negative experiences to remember and I deserve more.