The secret is over....wife caught me yesterday....

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Tiburon727, Jun 11, 2018.

  1. Tiburon727

    Tiburon727 Fapstronaut

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    My secret has come to an end. My wife left the apartment to pick up a computer charger she left at work. I did not expect her to make it home so quickly and I jumped so high when she opened that door while I was masterbating.

    Finally, it feels good to be caught. I cannot do this alone. My only regret is that I was not man enough to tell her before it escalated to this. I was going to try and cure this on my own and tell her when the issue was fixed. On my own I had over 10 years to fix it. I had my chance. Chance of doing this alone showed me it is impossible to get over this addiction alone.

    The truth is, is that my wife already suspected something and she is so relieved. She is relieved that she was not going crazy. She knew that something always got in the way of our intimacy.

    Now we have every night where I will tell her how things are going, what she needs from me, and promise I will call her when the urges start coming up during the day.

    I am so curious how fighting this addiction will be different now that I know I have my wife as a partner.

    I feel that eventually no matter how difficult in marriage this addiction is to share with our significant others that transparency has to happen. For me I hate that I was a coward. So happy however that I got caught.

    Really hoping this is a giant step to get the help I need in being the husband I was meant to be.
     
  2. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Hi my name is as it appears I've been married 33 years and I'm on day 81 a hard hard mode pMO if you don't know what that is that means no porn no masterbation and no orgasm 81 out of 180 4 days is my commitment to my wife and that means you need to put app lock on your phone let your wife controller let her have the password to your computer her have the password to your computer and that means limited touch light hugs no nudity like kisses and no sex for you until she decides and you have to determine if you want to do that I'm here to help if you're not going to go to the hardware out if you think you could just not watch porn and not masturbate but still have sex with your wife and fix yourself I can just tell you right now good luck if you don't go hard mode your success rate is pretty low here if you go hard mode like me and everything I said you're going to go through living hell for the first 30 days you're going to discover things about yourself and your marriage and your relationship with your wife that you've never ever known you're also going to learn what it's like because there is no sex has been removed from your relationship trust me buddy I know how hard that is if you want my help I'm here for you if you want to do it on your own good luck contact me by the way God bless and by the way you might want to go ahead and get used to having a higher power in the front seat with you because that's your accountability guy the man upstairs
     
  3. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    I myself was caught not once, but twice. phone is going to die so I can't write to much, for myself I did 97 days hard mode and had a relapse when the wife was out of town for a couple days, I told her when she got home which saved some of the trust that I spent gaining the last 97 days, I am currently no day 34 PM free and it seems much easier after doing hard mode for almost 100 days, we do have sex but not very often and I just want to say the chasers are what you need to watch out for, if you can truly be honest with yourself and over come the chasers I myself think the sex is ok... my opinion only... you and your wife will need to make a plan and commit to it, if the chasers are to strong then I recommend hard mode, each to their own,

    feel free to message

    stay strong and the end will come
     
    Letsdothis! likes this.
  4. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Please elaborate on Chaser effect I've heard other people say that here I'm more not even one to have sex it's more like an inside the energy I'm trying to redirect so what is the Chaser effect thank you I appreciate hardmode man is the way to go if you really want to clean up good I mean you made it 97 days and then slip man I cannot imagine how hard that must have been on you I've got in my mind there was no way I'm going to relapse or slip or anything like that right now I just it's Annie it's turned porn and masterbation into something sick which I never ever want to visit again I am committed to only having orgasms with my wife. So any advice for that I'd appreciate it
     
    Dutchdad likes this.
  5. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    I have not looked at porn I have not masturbated at all I have not orgasms at all haven't had some thoughts absolutely have I had nocturnal emissions yes and I had a lot of free time coming out and boners hell yeah have I acted on any of them at all absolutely not so what is the chaser?? Is that a Temptation the same thing??
     
  6. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    I'll describe it like a drug seeing as that orgasms are pretty similar, if you were hooked on something and have been clean for awhile.. doing that thing once could give you the urge to want more then more then more etc etc. I experience them for only a couple days after an o where the urge is higher rather than going a week without one...make sense?
     
  7. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    I have not done anything. I have been committed 100% since the beginning and unfortunately watching all the failures here has empowered me to say I'm not going to be one of them not to say that's failing
     
  8. @Foxislander, the "chaser effect" is about when you DO hace sex again with your wife...the same day / next couple days, your urges to PM'ing may go up.
     
  9. Tiburon727

    Tiburon727 Fapstronaut

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    Wanted to post a quick update. My wife and I are doing great and she is my biggest support.

    I cannot remember the last time I put together a streak of 9 days. Have not done P and M since I was busted.

    Appreciate all your advice and kind words. Am really curious about how the chaser effect will play out after we get together again. She is away out of the country at work and we will be together in a few days as we reunite for a wedding of a family member.

    If any benefit I will try to post some observations going through this new experience for my wife and I.
     
    Benjiboy34 likes this.
  10. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

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    This is excellent. I agree completely.
     
  11. Letsdothis!

    Letsdothis! Fapstronaut

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    I went full disclosure with my wife yesterday. I never got caught. I tried, like you, to fix it myself and in doing so it wasn't an every day thing. She took it extremely well. Basically all she said was, "why didn't you tell me sooner? I want you to be able to come to me about anything." It was so liberating. I'm also curious to see how this journey goes with her by my side.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2018
    Drock989 and Tiburon727 like this.
  12. Tiburon727

    Tiburon727 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, so happy for you. You did what I was not able to do and that is tell her before she caught you. Thanks for sharing Letsdothis! and congratulations. It takes so much strength and a lot of guts to do what you just did.

    Like you said, it is so liberating. I am happy she took it so well.

    One big help for me after 18 days of this secret being exposed, and 18 successful days, is to have a time together with my wife everyday to discuss how I am doing in my recovery. It really helps with trust, helps keep accountability, and helps with difficult days. I recommend it.

    Some days I have come close to falling and have had some battles. Knowing I have to give my wife a daily update, I have refused to give in because I do not want to tell my wife I had a relapse. I have made the choice if I do have a relapse I cannot lie and will tell her no matter what. My wifes support truly has kept me going.

    Anywho, thanks again for the share. Really happy for you. Curious to see how it goes for you. In my case it has been a game changer to recovery.
     
  13. Letsdothis!

    Letsdothis! Fapstronaut

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    That's my mentality too. I'll never have to risk being "caught" because I plan on being completely open with her ALWAYS. I've read about people on here who have been caught more than once, and what's the point? If they know, be open; why ever go through that again? I get relationships are different and it can be somewhat Earth shattering for some, but it's always going to be better to keep it honest and open. The only reason I can think of for someone NOT doing that, is if they were caught and are not legitimately ready to change - they just say they are. I'll always be open and honest now and I also really don't want to ever have to tell her, "oh by the way, I messed up and did this today."
     
    Kenzi and Tiburon727 like this.
  14. Letsdothis!

    Letsdothis! Fapstronaut

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    Sort of as a random side note...it's all something I never thought I would tell anyone about. I thought I would take it you the grave. That said, she told me about a period of time after high school that she was suicidal and never thought she was tell anyone about. So we both had the opportunity to get something off our chest.
     
  15. Tiburon727

    Tiburon727 Fapstronaut

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    Here is an update.

    Ever since I was caught I have not fapped and am about to reach my longest streak ever tomorrow, 30 days.

    My wife has disclosed to me how ashamed she felt in our sex life before this secret came out. Before getting caught she blamed herself and had no idea what was wrong. Looking at her pregnancy app, we had only been making love 2 to 4 times a month. That is far different than the 8 times we have made love in the last 17 days.

    My cravings for her have increased tremendously. My sensitivity is coming back and I can maintain an erection and perform without my wife or I needing to touch below.

    Personally porn has not been as big a craving as masterbation. I have had no cravings towards porn but some days huge cravings to masterbate. Why I have not given is, is because I made a promise to my wife if I did I would tell her that night. I made a promise to myself I am done telling lies and will tell her no matter what. That has been my best wall of defense. Plus if cravings get too bad then we do usually end up making love.

    The most confusing part is with sex not knowing what side effects or road to recovery I am facing. It is a positive one keeping all intimacy between my wife and I rather than between I and I. However, not sure if I am missing any benefits by not abstaining from everything. Cannot complain.

    I post this to hopefully keep others encouraged. In less than a month I have seen a side of my marriage I have never seen in 3 years of marriage.

    Cravings for your SO can return when you do not feel them today. Sensitivity can get stronger even if today you cannot feel your penis in her vagina.

    Hoping to keep going and see what after a month feels like. Never in over a decade have I made it that far.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  16. Tiburon727

    Tiburon727 Fapstronaut

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    It has been awhile since I posted on here. My wife and I are going to celebrate 50 days of no P and M tonight.

    So how do I feel?

    In honesty my marriage has been wonderful, our sex life has been wonderful. It is amazing to feel and know I have nothing to hide. Someone can search my internet history and take videos of my life and not walk away with a single piece of P and M evidence.

    It is also amazing to not have my feelings numbed out and be able to feel 100 percent committed and in love with my wife. To be able to feel a deep connection in and outside the bedroom is a gift.

    However, one must know that while my marriage is very much alive, nofap is not the cure to all my life’s other struggles. My life is in a real funk right now. I am quite lost in my life at the moment. Marriage is awesome and life is hard.

    But, if there is one thing I learned, no matter how hard life can be, life is that much better to struggle with nofap than it is to add to your problems with P and M. P and M has always been a medicine for my problems and now since I am dealing with my problems without P and M I feel the pain so much more. This is a good thing. I get to deal with my emotions and my problems and not supress it with dopamine rushes.

    I do still feel P and M urges, but what I also learned is that while the urges do not go away the self discipline over a long streak grows and that is where success is to be found. It is not so much about making urges go away in this recovery process. It is more about building up the self discipline to be able to see those urges and every time say No. With self discipline I have made huge progress and for sure my marriage has seen the rewards of this hard work. Be well all.
     
    Br1 R1, Trappist and Jason_Tesla_19 like this.
  17. Great to hear. Keep it up and stay open and honest.
    I hope the rest of your struggles come into order for you both soon.
     
  18. eash860531

    eash860531 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing your story. I am in the first few days of my wife finding out - like you I wanted to cure it on my own and then disclose... I was not strong enough to admit to her my problem so I ended up hurting her even more.

    It is nice to hear how well you are doing and I hope to share this story with her. Sorry to hear about your personal problems, but glad to know your marriage is stronger than ever.
     
    Tiburon727 likes this.
  19. Tiburon727

    Tiburon727 Fapstronaut

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    @eash860531

    Thanks for sharing. I truly hope things go well for you my friend. There is a lot of great support on here. Recovery from this is definately possible for you.

    One thing that has helped me these last few months is keeping the communication open about this with my wife. I allow her to doubt me because I broke her trust. I allow her to question my faithfulness and if I have kept my streak. I express at times days where I struggle and what I have been learning about this addiction to help her understand.

    I guess what I am saying is that as you go on this journey the worst is behind you. Your wife knows. And now the best is ahead of you. No longer do you have to hide, but can take this journey together. Bringing these issues to light helps keep the recovery going.

    Truly, all the best as you begin this new phase. It is very hard but has its beautiful moments.
     
    Br1 R1, eash860531 and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  20. eash860531

    eash860531 Fapstronaut

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    Truly powerful words, thank you. We had a long talk today and somehow, she has chosen to go along this recovery with me - and I told her the best part is I can truly be open with her now. I really hope this makes us stronger, thank you.
     
    Br1 R1 likes this.

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