THE STAR TREK CHALLENGE!

Day 3 of relapsing. What the fuck is wrong with me. What happened to the guy who got to 100+ days 3 times? Trying again.

 

Gonna start posting more journalish stuff here. Hopeful others will do the same so we can all help each other out. I'll go first.

When I'm done with PMO, one of the first things I notice is how ugly a lot of porn stars are. Seriously. I'd recommend you go look, (obviously don't lol) but you get the idea. So the attractiveness of the woman is clearly not the appeal.

Is it the content? Getting warmer I think. I escalate quickly from vanilla into fetish because the fetish provides something vanilla doesnt. I realised a while back that this was a lack of control. My brain seems to enjoy letting go and focusing only on the porn, despite me knowing it's bad. This is why I am most urged when stressed or depressed or anxious - these stresses, depressions and anxieties being caused by problems I cannot easily wish away. When I first realised I was addicted to porn, I was addicted to it because it was porn, but now it's transformed into me being addicted not to porn itself, but to the way it functions as a coping mechanism.

Here's the other side of the coin though. PMO serves as self sabotage for me, maybe even a form of self harm. When I relapse, I relapse to excess, until I am drained and groggy and feel awful for days. This is almost a punishment I inflict upon myself for failure. The irony is, the punishment is not a deterrent, and never really was. If anything it just makes me want to relapse even more, to stay within the holding pattern of cyclical relapse so I forget what feeling normal actually feels like.

So how can I solve this issue? Well as others have stated, by trying to cope in better ways. Even playing videogames makes more sense than PMO. By watching TV, reading, doing literally anything else. Eliminating the situations where relapse is likely. Most crucially though, by getting back to basics, to understand that simply abstaining wont do much unless I try to address why I want to consciously sabotage myself to start with.

 

Day 1. Few sexual urges but the compulsion to keep the relapses going was there. I pushed past this compulsion.

 

Day 2. No urges yesterday.

 

I'm sorry but I dont really know what you are referring to with tribal mode.

 

Day 3. Just finished my rewatch of DS9. What are your opinions on DS9?