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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by BrohkenCompass, Sep 3, 2020.
Checking In. Still clean. Still Strong. Real relationships.
Good save. That took a lot of willpower. You will learn a lot about yourself from this experience.
Day 44 check in
Everything is clean and safe
Sorry I Relapsed. Some sort of problems are going on
Assign another strike
Day 1. Unfortunately I had a reset. I guess I deserve a strike.
Day 20 - Chaser effect on high alert. Am creating a plan for the next couple of days to keep myself busy to avoid getting drawn to thoughts as I used to my entire life after intimacy IRL. This is my test. Stay strong all.
can I still join? I have a streak since 25. September.
On day 6.
My Morning brain dump ....
Isolation is one of the many traits of my porn addiction.
If someone told me this, I would agree and probably have the thought "Well yeah, I can see that. I spend a lot time by myself looking at Porn", which is true. However, I am beginning to realize how deeply this concept of "isolation" runs in my life, and how the affects of pornography addiction has played a massively huge factor in this.
When I harbor secrets, it separates me from my fellow people. It is that feeling of being "alone in a crowd". I cannot be present, really, with anybody.
But, this is not only due to shame, or guilt, or preoccupation with a fantasy. It is also because of the very nature of creating this alter reality that pushes excitement at a very high level, puts me in control, and always has me searching for the next high. This act of seeking/searching/hunting for something that is going to give me the reaction I am looking for, renders everything else in my life dull. It literally cannot match up to this.
Yet, my porn addiction, over the years, has quit working. Literally, I have had the experience of anticipating going and doing it, but by the time I am actually scrolling down a page, the high is already gone and replaced with a physical sense of depression and panic. This is a classic symptom of any addiction. It no longer works, but yet I still have to do it.
This addiction, to me, is very similar to what I have seen in those that recover from amphetamines. It takes time for these people to have a sense of normalcy and reaction to life that is rewarding in and of itself.
I am meeting with someone today, to share about my problems, and share my secrets. This is a trusted friend, spiritual advisor if you will. This is one more step to getting out of the darkness and into the light ... this is my action step for today.
Ok, that felt a bit sappy, but whatever (ha!).
Wishing all of you success for today.
@espresso18 - Wow. This is a deeply thoughtful and personal description of your addiction. And guess what? Your story is very similar to many others here on this site. Go see my journal and you'll find our paths are alot alike. You've described the subtle and deep-rooted effects of PMO addiction very well. I can relate. You are doing a great job of facing these issues, getting them out here to this community, and seeking help IRL. You will get better, but not without some struggle. Good luck and stay in touch. We are all rooting for you. Stay strong.
Hello friends - some more thoughts as I face today's struggle. The guilt and shame I feel after PMO kicks my ass means there's not as much chaser effect for me with PMO as there is with partner intimacy. I'm working on this particular part of my addiction, and that is I've almost always had an active sex life (in monogamous relationships) for my entire life but still used PMO like a fiend. PMO after sex IRL was a real treat for me; like I earned a reward plus other crazy sh1t details of which I won't go into here. So now I struggle with de-coupling my brain pattern of partner intimacy and then use PMO. I think like anything it's re-wiring of what your dopamine fix is looking for in response to a certain situation. It's like I'm Pavlov's dog, I trained myself well. Now I have to really concentrate to break that stimulus/response cycle. In addition to some other coping skills, I'll probably be on this site a lot today. Thanks for listening everyone.
Day 5 Check in!
Got it. Sorry, Man. Don't give up.
Got it. We can do this.
Sure, I added you @RollerCoaster 25 SEP...
This is spot on
Guys it kind of feels like the world is going crazy right now, we could be in for a tough winter, it's very important that we are mentally sharp and sexually disciplined. Now really is the time, it's not a game anymore.
2 days after my last one. I was doing fine and when I got home from work, I felt the chaser effect from Saturday.
I am starting to think that I may not survive this challenge.
I have been fighting this for over 2 decades and it always the same thing- my specific porn type and the urges to view them. It is a rare occurrence for me to actually deal with an urge. All of my streaks are urge to urge.
I just cannot seem to win...
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Some chasers hit us much worse than others, keeping one in the mud and/or in a rut for some time still. But, it doesn't have to be this way, even with the worst of chasers. The effect isn't forever if we hold out; we can face stronger days still. Try to tap into whatever is the motivating or spiritual strength that usually attends within you during stronger times. Distract yourself in the heroic minute of choosing other than relapse. If you want this, it has to be done some time. Pick it all up. Now is the time!
What is your coping tool to address this urge to view your porn type? When you start to feel a chaser, and start to think about it - what do you do in response?
Hey, keep going and it'll ease up a bit.
After a 94 day streak, my next longest was 44 days.
I'm not totally sure why it was at that point that I gave into urges.
But the progression to relapse was very similar to what you're describing.
Let's be real, sssniper wolf is pretty sexy.
And WWE divas? Athletic women wrestling while wearing not a lot of clothes...
Yessir, that sounds like some guys' dream.
So congratulate yourself for making it through.
And take rest, away from tempting influences.
You CAN get through this.