This is my first post - so please forgive me if I have committed a breach of etiquette I have always lived with a certain fear, the fear of being negatively perceived, the fear of being judged by others. This has going on for as long as I remember, and has been ingrained long before I could possible know what 'fear' and 'being judged' even meant. I blame this on my hot-tempered and judgmental father, who was always quick to scrutinize me with his powerful gaze, no matter what I did. But in reality, it was simply my weak will and lack of optimism that made it impossible for me to even dare to have a go at any proper form of self-expression - be it in social media or among a group of friends that I do not have. Before turning 15, I was set to leave my home to a country far in the north, whose language and culture I was familiar with, but did not fully understand or appreciate. The first year there almost killed me. Feeling like a an oriental child that was neither tall or good-looking, I struggled in everyday life as I learnt a new language. I was bullied by other children my age for thinking so differently from them - and was ostracized as a result. Yet I did not give up, I had to succeed in school here and reward my parents for their efforts in raising me. I pursued working on myself by doing working out, playing diverse sports, playing music and challenging myself on learning the language. Yet I felt I never fit in there, or anywhere for that matter. I had people I could call my friends, but they were superficial and I did not feel they did not truly appreciate me for who I am - a lot of them stuck with because I was good in school and I would help them from time to time. I did well in school, finally moved out when I turned 19. By then, I had a certain degree of confidence in myself, even though my I've mainly had negative experiences in socializing in big groups and having close to zero experience with women. In my first term, I was optimistic I would find a crowd I could get along with - now that I have moved to the big city - one more culturally diverse and more accepting. A large part of my confidence shattered when I started academically deteriorating in my second term. By then, most of the people I got to know left, either because they wanted to do something else, or they fell out academically. Some of the acquaintances I have made eventually moved on into their own groups and had nothing more to do with me. Now, another year has past, and nothing has gotten better. I have not managed to fit in with any group - I can't socialize in the typical alcohol - ridden setting, typical German teenagers strive in. I am barely managing to hold on - academically. I am afraid of failing - so very much. I can't imagine the disappoint my parents would have. That is why I am not going down without a fight. I have never stopped trying to connect with the people around me - but that has ended in many rejections and self -blame. Many times, I would think I have found someone I clicked with - only to find them leave me behind for some other people they deem more important than me. I am sick and tired of these rejections. I am tired of the effort I put into everything- only for the results to bring me down. I can't sleep from the stress and over-worrying. I have recently started to use social media again to try to make more friends - but that has triggered a chain of nervous breakdowns from my fear of missing out, as well as rejections from some old friends I used to have. Ever since I was 14 - I have used masturbation as a form of anti-stress medication to help me sleep. I would always do it in the shower before bed - thinking there's nothing wrong with a sexual fantasy here and there. Not until I realized that the act is robbing me of my energy and poisoning me in my soul. I am currently on my 7th week and I am honestly not finding the strength to express and improve myself. I am at an all-time low regarding my mental health. I suffer from nervous breakdowns and fear my body will soon suffer, if I don't do something about it first. I honestly can't find any reason to keep on living. Nobody appreciates me and I can't find it in me to accept in myself. I need some advice from someone who knows better and has gone through the process of self-overcoming before. Thank you for reading this! All opinions are welcome.