This is my first post - so please forgive me if I have committed a breach of etiquette I have always lived with a certain fear, the fear of being negatively perceived, the fear of being judged by others. This has going on for as long as I remember, and has been ingrained long before I could possible know what 'fear' and 'being judged' even meant. I blame this on my hot-tempered and judgmental father, who was always quick to scrutinize me with his powerful gaze, no matter what I did. But in reality, it was simply my weak will and lack of optimism that made it impossible for me to even dare to have a go at any proper form of self-expression - be it in social media or among a group of friends that I do not have. Before turning 15, I was set to leave my home to a country far in the north, whose language and culture I was familiar with, but did not fully understand or appreciate. The first year there almost killed me. Feeling like a an oriental child that was neither tall or good-looking, I struggled in everyday life as I learnt a new language. I was bullied by other children my age for thinking so differently from them - and was ostracized as a result. Yet I did not give up, I had to succeed in school here and reward my parents for their efforts in raising me. I pursued working on myself by doing working out, playing diverse sports, playing music and challenging myself on learning the language. Yet I felt I never fit in there, or anywhere for that matter. I had people I could call my friends, but they were superficial and I did not feel they did not truly appreciate me for who I am - a lot of them stuck with because I was good in school and I would help them from time to time. I did well in school, finally moved out when I turned 19. By then, I had a certain degree of confidence in myself, even though my I've mainly had negative experiences in socializing in big groups and having close to zero experience with women. In my first term, I was optimistic I would find a crowd I could get along with - now that I have moved to the big city - one more culturally diverse and more accepting. A large part of my confidence shattered when I started academically deteriorating in my second term. By then, most of the people I got to know left, either because they wanted to do something else, or they fell out academically. Some of the acquaintances I have made eventually moved on into their own groups and had nothing more to do with me. Now, another year has past, and nothing has gotten better. I have not managed to fit in with any group - I can't socialize in the typical alcohol - ridden setting, typical German teenagers strive in. I am barely managing to hold on - academically. I am afraid of failing - so very much. I can't imagine the disappoint my parents would have. That is why I am not going down without a fight. I have never stopped trying to connect with the people around me - but that has ended in many rejections and self -blame. Many times, I would think I have found someone I clicked with - only to find them leave me behind for some other people they deem more important than me. I am sick and tired of these rejections. I am tired of the effort I put into everything- only for the results to bring me down. I can't sleep from the stress and over-worrying. I have recently started to use social media again to try to make more friends - but that has triggered a chain of nervous breakdowns from my fear of missing out, as well as rejections from some old friends I used to have. Ever since I was 14 - I have used masturbation as a form of anti-stress medication to help me sleep. I would always do it in the shower before bed - thinking there's nothing wrong with a sexual fantasy here and there. Not until I realized that the act is robbing me of my energy and poisoning me in my soul. I am currently on my 7th week and I am honestly not finding the strength to express and improve myself. I am at an all-time low regarding my mental health. I suffer from nervous breakdowns and fear my body will soon suffer, if I don't do something about it first. I honestly can't find any reason to keep on living. Nobody appreciates me and I can't find it in me to accept in myself. I need some advice from someone who knows better and has gone through the process of self-overcoming before. Thank you for reading this! All opinions are welcome.
Thank you for sharing your story. Very helpful to see where other people are coming from. Thank you for joining NoFap.
Welcome! Man, you’ve been through a lot, you’ve persevered, and endured tough treatment from others. You have a special story. I can tell you have integrity. Don’t underrate yourself. Adversity creates character and depth. Give yourself some credit. You’ve got a lot to build on and a lot for others to appreciate. But you have to start building that self-respect and self-love now. People are drawn to that. You might think you need others in order to grow stronger, but don’t wait for them. Do you have a passion or hobby, or a sport or art form you like? Maybe you can find some community around that to get some acquaintances who have something in common with you. If you’ve had trouble socializing in big groups, focus on smaller groups for a while. Also remember that, just like romantic relationships, not every friendship lasts long-term. But that’s no reason to give up on friendships or dating. Well, I don’t have the answers for you, but I know you’re going to be fine. Stay strong!
Thank you very much for giving this a read. Your advice means a lot and I will certainly try to live up to it!
I really appreciate this post. It was really honest and I could definitely relate to parts of it. I've always felt alienated because I (21M) don't like to do the things that a lot of my people my age like to do, drink, party, etc. (In part I think is because insecurity about myself, but also I feel like I'm just different in a way). I think life is a continuous process, with periods of stagnation being the hardest times to get through. Instead of focusing on overcoming your problems, I would suggest maybe just trying to add movement to your life. Engage in something new, whether that be literal movement (running, dancing, biking) or figurative, such as learning an artistic craft like music, drawing, or writing. I think issues of confidence and loneliness and alienation will always exist, but these can be bearable if we have something that we do that grounds us to the world. This is a really random aside, but books by Haruki Murakami have always helped me through some uncertain times. Maybe you'll find some of his work valuable. Best of luck to you my friend!
Now that you have started to let all the Energy Accumulate within you, you will be fine man! Don’t worry. One more thing: DONT ever in life, be afraid to THINK DIFFERENTLY. Don’t care what worthless people say.
Thank you for sharing.That is great you were able to move into a big city that is more culturally accepting and diverse. You are still very young and got your life ahead of you. You need a sense of community, and this is a great place to find community, yet you also need friends that stick by you. You can serve others such as volunteer work. I am sure there are many opportunities to volunteer there. When you volunteer it can help lift your self esteem and give your life extra meaning. Perhaps you can join a faith community where you are. Even universities have them. I am a Christian and my belief gives me extra meaning and hope even in a depressing world. Also travel to the country of your birth. Get to know the family still back there. Get to know more of your cultural identity. I wish you well on your journey and welcome to nofap.
I'm really glad to hear from someone who can relate. I also honestly thing it's good idea to find ways to express myself through the arts - recently I started learning the piano again and I think it's a great way to spend time by myself. I've also read some Haruki Murakami books myself. It's clear he has such a rich and mysterious inner world, one which he shares with load of people around the world. I would also be down for some chatting. Add me on discord! EGGmeister55
Thank you for your encouraging words! Volunteering sounds like a great idea! I'll be sure to try it out when I get back to town. Thank you for mentioning the aspect of family - they have always been there to support me, especially a lot of my cousins who are over ten years older than I am. I often find myself being able to talk to and relate to them a lot more than people my own age. Isn't that kinda weird?
bro your story is really inspiring. you obviously had to go through a lot your perseverance is amazing. I am luckily in my own country speaking my own tongue although before nofap I don think I had any real friends (I had friends but not the " we'll stick through thick and thin" kinda friends). but after 26 days of nofap, I started to see things differently I kinda started to forge my own path like a lone wolf, I started bettering myself. People like someone who is sure of himself and someone walks with his head held up high. If you're sure of yourself and confident people will come to you.
Yes! That sounds like something a mentally strong person would do! Like you, I will try to strive towards a better version of myself.
