The Struggle is Real

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by DiscT365, Sep 20, 2020.

  1. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    So here's my story:
    - Exposed to sexual thoughts at 8 years old.
    - Starting taking an interest in girls
    - At 10 years old I started masturbation even though I had no clue what it was called at the time and I had no clue about orgasm.
    -At 12 years old, I started watching porn and began orgasming.
    -From 12 to 20, I spent years watching porn, texting in online chatrooms, looking at nudes, intentionally looking at females family members when they were naked and enjoying every second of it. The porn gradually got more and more intense and the time I spend on it got greater and greater to the point where it started affecting my school work and life. It was sun up to sundown. Porn at this was just for fun.
    -I tried NoFap in 2017 but failed on several occasions. My grades were worse than they could be then probably because I spent the time I should have spent reviewing jacking off. Porn at this point was a stress reliever yet ironically it was causing more stress.
    -I gave up on NoFap.
    -In 2018, I tried NoFap once again. It got a little easier I got to admit after familiarising myself with the neurological effects and the entire NoFap community. For a period of time, it was working however stress set back in and I was right back where I started if not worse. One time it was 16 times in one day.
    -2019, was sort of a relieving year. I took a gap year from school before heading to university and it was really fun. I used porn but it was never that much of a problem looking back on it, to be honest. Life seemed a bit more in tune, I was working at several jobs and was having a blast. I applied to university and by late 2019/2020 I was at university.
    -This is where the issues rose again. Stress followed by relaxation and porn. This followed up by depression trying to catch up on school work. What worked and what made it worst? I don't know. I enjoyed hanging out with one or two friends from time to time. I worked out from time to time. For some reason, the problem still lingered.
    -Fast forward to 2020, the problem is still here and I believe it is getting worse just two weeks into the school semester. I seem to get burnout at the end of the school week and relax a bit too much leading me to the computer where I search for all sorts of sexual stuff. Sometimes I think about it during the week and I end up on things I wanted to avoid.
    I don't know what else to say, what else to do. I really need help.
     
    Agustín159 likes this.
  2. SkillyB

    SkillyB Fapstronaut

    clapas likes this.
  3. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    A new day. I spent a lot of time reflecting on my downfalls and struggles and I am slowly trying to overcome them. I will overcome them.
     
    Candun and clapas like this.
  4. alphakadabro

    alphakadabro Fapstronaut

    379
    561
    93
    I wrote a few posts that I think will be of benefit to you.

    My #1 Tip: Change Your Environment https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-1-tip-change-your-environment.288435/

    How To Use Devices In a Healthy Way https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/how-to-use-devices-in-a-healthy-way.290017/

    PMO Has No Power Over You https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/pmo-has-no-power-over-you.290204/
     
    Sugar Shane, Candun and DiscT365 like this.
  5. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    Activating event: Friend zoned
    Belief: I need a way to distress and feel wanted.
    Consequence: Relapsed twice, browsed for 30 mins
    Dispute the belief: I do not need to use porn to distress because it only makes me feel more stressed. I do not need it to feel wanted because the people on the screen do not represent real people who care about me.
    Effective new belief: I will go for a short walk from home around nature or start a workout (15 pushups, 3 laps treadmill run to start).
     
    Candun and alphakadabro like this.
  6. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    Candun and alphakadabro like this.
  7. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    It's a new day. I got up late after staying up a bit too late talking with the family. I am up and focused on classes, however.
     
    Candun and Jarad999 like this.
  8. alphakadabro

    alphakadabro Fapstronaut

    379
    561
    93
    Talking with family is a good use of time.

    One day we will look back over our lives and remember the times we spent with loved ones. And the time is never enough. We will always wish we gave and received more love.

    People regret not spending more time with their parents, children, siblings and grandparents. They regret getting drunk alone, PMOing, playing video games and so on. But they never regret sharing time with those we hold dear. That's traditionally been the original meaning of life throughout civilization: family.
     
    Candun, ALPHAandOMEGA and DiscT365 like this.
  9. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    Made it through the day!
    P.S. I have a question relating to the friend zone thing, should I still talk to this girl or should I avoid her to prevent things from getting worse? We are still on good terms and we were good friends. Any advice appreciated.
     
    Candun, Jarad999 and Srisurya like this.
  10. alphakadabro

    alphakadabro Fapstronaut

    379
    561
    93
    It is always good to have friends. But if you are attracted to her it is best to be honest and not make it difficult for yourself. If it will be too stressful to be her friend because of your attraction, then its normal to avoid seeing her in an indirect polite way.
     
    Candun and DiscT365 like this.
  11. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    Experienced another minuscule trigger. Realising this tends to happen as soon as I hit day 1 without PMO. I reset my counter because I want to deal with this as a full-blown relapse. A photo of a female's clothed bust came up and I stared, unable to control myself, for at least 10 seconds. I think this is a good time for me to define what constitutes a relapse to me.

    Any thought, action or habit that relates to PMO that is able to uncontrollably catch and hold my attention for a time period of at least 10 seconds or greater. In the case of this occurring, I will reset my NoFap counter and I will document a concise report in the following order.

    Activating event: Image
    Belief: Her bust is really attractive.
    Consequence: Uncontrollable thoughts of PMO for 10 seconds which triggered minute smaller thoughts throughout the day.
    Dispute the belief: It is not the body that is attractive but the person.
    Effective new belief: I will include "images" in my trigger list, define what I constitute as a relapse and make needed changes and documentation to NoFap. If any images of this nature occur, I will recognise and shut them down before they are able to hold my attention and cause a mental relapse.
     
    Candun likes this.
  12. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    A new day. Up fresh and my focus is on ruling the day!
     
    Candun likes this.
  13. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    Going to bed. No thought of PMO today at all. I feel free. If an image came my way, I quickly clicked away, my mind was ready. I must say though, I could have focused on my tasks a bit more. Conversations with the family sort of took me out of my element for an extended period of time. Need to remain focused. Tomorrow is another day. Let's go!
     
    Candun likes this.
  14. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    New day. Remember to stay vigilant guys and girls.
     
    Candun likes this.
  15. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    Greetings guys and girls. Today, I have fallen to relapse once again. In fact, I relapsed five times in the same environment. Here is my analysis:

    My environment triggers were at the time extremely high and yet I did not notice them:
    - I slept naked
    - My computer was in my room
    - I slept beyond my 4 am wake time.
    - I lay in bed for a long period of time.
    - I missed my morning meditation.
    - I did not resist thoughts of sex, in fact, I gave into them and they built up.
    - I did not counteract these thoughts.
    - I did not change my environment.
    - I was not aware of my triggers.

    Activating event: Past thoughts
    Belief: I am turned on right now. I better watch some porn.
    Consequence: Started off as a thought that led to playful edging that with increasing thoughts led to me reaching for my computer and searching for sites (that were not already blocked by my computer's blocker) and relapsing for at least 2 hours.
    Dispute the belief: My brain is wired to think this hypersensitised material represents reality. It does not and when I do engage in that I will see the reality for what it is. In the meantime, I should redirect my sexual energy to bettering myself.
    Effective new belief: In the case of triggers, I must always remember to be aware of the environment and the stimuli that could lead me down a negative road. A road from which, there is no return.
     
    Candun likes this.
  16. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    The number of times I relapsed this weekend is ridiculous. The weekends are my weakness. I feel hopeless.
     
  17. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
  18. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    Still trying. New day. Hasn't crossed my mind as yet but now that I think about it, I dreamt about it. Image is still in my mind.
     
  19. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    It's a new day. New approach.
     
  20. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    71
    37
    18
    I've found that I keep relapsing when I attempt hard mode so the goal, try MO without P. Within a month's time, when the association between sex and P is reduced, I will attempt hard mode. At this moment, I am just trying to move from creeping to standing. When I get to standing, I will make my first steps.
     

Share This Page