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The Struggle is Real

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by DiscT365, Sep 20, 2020.

  1. Rojas202

    Rojas202 Fapstronaut

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    Outstanding man! Keep going that way!
    Happy Sabbath!
     
  2. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    Warning: Post is deep

    As much as I would love to maintain a "streak", admitting a problem when there is one would allow me to experience more growth. I mentioned earlier that a relapse to me means:
    Any thought, action or habit that relates to PMO that is able to uncontrollably catch and hold my attention for a time period of at least 10 seconds or greater. In the case of this occurring, I will reset my NoFap counter and I will document a concise report in the following order.

    In this sense, today I did have a relapse. Funny enough no PMO was even involved. What occurred was that my mind saw a Facebook photo (why was I even here?) that took me back to my childhood, the earliest stages of my experience with sexual attraction. At about age 8-12, I got attracted to my cousin and at times my sister. We would at times like kids do, fool around with each other kisses and touches etc. Where it got out of hand is when I started spying on them. This continued throughout my teenage years where I used to actively look for my own sister's private pictures to the point where I even got caught recently(she also knows about my addiction). For this, I am ashamed and filled with guilt. A picture came up with one of my cousins all grown up and shamefully so, it turned me on, bringing me back to that experience. Soon it was a mixed bag of lust, shame and guilt and I fought with the idea of doing something to ease myself(a bit of stress from life was also sort of building). I got to the point of slight edging to mental images but then I stopped because I realised that I was falling back into the same behaviour/habit. I reset my counter because to me that was a mental relapse. Also, there were deeper adverse childhood experiences that I needed to confess and be honest to myself about(Freudian phallic and genital stages). I took a nap so the emotions have subsided but the thoughts still exist.

    Activating event: Image (if I was honest with myself this started even before today when childhood memories came to me)
    Belief: I should have sex with my young cousin. That'd feel good.
    Consequence: Uncontrollable thoughts of PMO for 30 minutes and slight edging.
    Dispute the belief: You cannot control yourself. This is just wrong. You should find yourself a woman to satisfy your needs. This would be better than thinking like this.
    Effective new belief: I will document my device usage and stay away from the image that triggered that thought. I have confessed to the experiences of my childhood. I will pray for forgiveness and ask God to guide me back to a clean path.
     
  3. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    If yesterday wasn't a relpase, last night and this morning definitely was. PMO 4 times. After losing my streak, I caved inward and lost everything.
     
  4. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    Thank you brother. Your posts are quite helpful.
     
  5. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    It is hard starting over. Every weekend I feel as if I have a dance with the devil who tempts me so easily and I fall over and over again. Now I do not know how to approach God once again. My momentum has been thrown off and it is another school week. I failed to meet my goals for the weekend as I often do and I have a mountain of work piled up.
     
  6. Deebo34

    Deebo34 Fapstronaut

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    On day 8 I guess on hard mode. Not looking at porn and no masturbation, no sexual stimuli at all. Been experiencing a few sexual dreams along with very weak erections that go away as soon as I wake up. Mind you I hit a flatline immediately after I quit pmo and porn(day 1) and I would say my addiction was severe. Also been having a few urges, but not as severe while I was on pmo. Has anybody else experienced this
     
  7. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    Last night took an L, but today I bounce back.
     
  8. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    I am going to start a journal.
     
  9. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

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