THE SUPER SAIYAN CHALLENGE! What is your Power Level?! (RANKS ARE BACK, GET YOURS NOW!

Day 20 checking in.
I had a porn related dream yesterday filled with extreme sexual scenes.
Waking up I realized how unpleasant, nasty and unhealthy the imagery was.
It goes to show how my addicted brain is looking for it's fix and the illness trying to cling to life.
It also shows how I am starving and weakening the PMO connections, a sign of progress and small victories in this fight.
I will not let up. I will continue training to get stronger and destroy PMO for good!

 

Checking in....
Day 8.
7 more days to become an elite warrior.

 

Day 93.

You have to make sacrifices. This is something that I have struggled with for a very long time. Unfortunately, depending on what your goals are, you have to make sacrifices. There is not way around it. Part of my struggle, personally, is getting to a point where I completely accept that those things that I am used to are not necessary. It is those things that for the most part are triggering.

 

Well,
In the past week, I was very ill, I couldn't even move properly, relapsed once, got too much work and my home environment was not at all conducive for work.

So, I'm back after a long gap.

I'm on Day 2 now.
Tomorrow will be a breeze, I've got it covered.
What happens after, I have to see.
Good luck!

 

I'm coming for you, Elite Warrior!
2 more days!!

 

Checking in !

 

Addiction is the promise of satisfaction that never delivers.
You are not giving up something valuable by not watching porn.
You are giving up something valuable by watching porn.

 

Day 6

 

Today I relapsed. Hard. I would rather talk about steps I made and accomplishes here instead bring up my relapse(s), not only because it is depressing but also because I don't think it will help much to talk about it. However I feel the need to say something.

Of course it would be good if I could learn from this relapse. But unfortunately it is just one of so many and it was simply like this: I was stressed out, then I considered watching porn; immediately I knew: NO, I mustn't do that, it's not an option. And then I bargained with myself and decided (of course, without thinking about the consequences and how I would feel afterwards) to ACT OUT.
With this allowance of myself, being very horny and at the same time subliminal frustrated because of my weakness and my immenent fall, I completely lost control and pmo'd until I could no more.

Well, maybe it helps to write this down after all, otherwise it would be only in my head.
But I don't know how to improve. I know I must fight, I mustn't lay down and pity myself.
I think I live with too many illusions. I'm submerged in my own thoughts and wishfull thinking. I don't know how to really change that. But if I work harder, if I really strive for recovery once more and be real with myself and stop whining and looking for excuses and distractions or sophisticated solutions I might better myself.

Yes, I want to get BETTER not worse. I actually don't want to use porn, even if I crave it. I don't want to enjoy it, even if I may fall for it again and crave the "high". I don't want to waste myself on it, I don't want to hurt myself by it, I don't want to use it as way to punish myself* ANYMORE!

*it's a pleasure-seeking behavior but when you use it like a drug it has also a masochistic aspect. Pmo can be the deed and the punishment at once.

I don't want to identify with porn, I don't want to fancy porn actresses even if I got my brain addicted to it. I don't want to feel good about gross sceneries, brutish fetishes and stupid repetitions that have nothing to do with real sexual pleasure. I don't want to support the porn industry, I don't want to see abuse (be it fictional or real life abuse), I don't want to be part of that shit anymore. I don't want to be a mindless consumer, a victim of the brainwashing machine.

 

That is absolutely true. You would think that coming to this understanding automatically gives rise to a freedom from the urges, but it does not, necessarily. Many years I have struggled with this thing. So many good points have been shared with me. So many times I have been tempted to look. In the moment, it was hard to think about the truths, such as this one you have shared here. It takes a repitition of such truths to oneself to finally break those chains. It takes constant pressure, constant reflection. And it takes sacrifice to allow your brain time to heal. Eventually, those sacrifices will not exist as sacrifices anymore.

 

Brother, we would all rather talk about the steps we each made and our accomplishments. Man, wouldn't be awesome?! But, if we only had successes I don't think we would even be here in a forum called "NoFap." We are here to support each other in this thing because we need perspective and we need help. You relapsed, I relapsed, we all relapsed.

Just as you figured out during your entry, writing it down is getting it out, this is good. Getting out of an addiction is not easy. So many times I broke down in tears. I cannot even remember how many times. I thought that I was a monster because the things I was watching were getting more and more questionable. It really didn't bother me emotionally that the P industry was doing horrible s***. But, I knew it was wrong to support them. I hated myself, it got really bad, but I kept going.

You will find that internal fire sooner or later, that unexplainable fire!

 

Thank you very much for your answer, @fromsheeptowolf ! It really meant a lot to me. We aren't monsters at all but we can and should do better - that's for sure!

Hey guys, what do you usually do after a relapse? For me it's so difficult to just go to sleep (when it happens at night) or go on with my day, maybe doing the washing-up or something like that, because I want to do something big to compensate for the loss and the shame. But often there's not much to do. Maybe it's the fear that when I go to bed it tomorrow will be as always and nothing will change ...

Anyhow, for today it shall be enough. I feel some peace again after this conversation and my activity in the forum.
Ok, now for some warrior-mentality! Low class but determined nevertheless

 

Day 1!

 

Day 21 checking in.

 

Day 100 - Super Saiyan 3
I made it this far. I may be the ultimate warrior now. Unsurpassed, at the pinnacle of achievement.

But.... I want to get even stronger. I want to be a greater warrior than ever before.

I have to realise that all my positive life changes that I've made over the last few months has been a direct result of me practicing NoFap strictly and No P.

If I continue down this path, then I can continue to make more changes.

I haven't relapsed, but my commitment is being tested. I have given up a lot of things that were causing me problems, and almost becoming ascetic/celibate in the process.

This may be the way forward, or it may not, or there may be a middle way.

I know that no one can help me - only I can help myself, but talking about it will help me.

 

Why should the first day be less important than the tenth day?
This is my first day and I'm checking in. Everything fine.