The toughest Battle of my life yet..

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Pyara31, Jun 22, 2019.

  1. Pyara31

    Pyara31 Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone, My name is Pyara and I am addicted to pornography.

    Before I embark on a writing spree I do want to let you know that this is going to be one of those long posts so I suggest you to sit back, crack your knuckles and get ready to scroll :p. and I highly recommend reading this post before going down below. I would appreciate it a lot. Because I left a lot of things in that post which I am going to complete and fill now.

    It all started when I was about 9-10 years old I don't recall the exact age, it could be more but yeah during those middle years of my childhood was that I first encountered pornography on my dads phone. I remember taking my dads phone whilst he was attending some guests in our house and I turned on the mobile and went to the videos section. There I saw a number of videos and opened few of them. The images that I saw in those videos are still embedded into my mind. Its like I can never forget though they are diminishing and becoming blurry but still there. I was confused at that time of what they were but also intrigued too. Forward a year or two I found other pornographic images on a ps2 game I used to play i.e WWE. The female wrestlers and their intro videos that were shot and displayed contained some heavy nudity so sometimes I would watch it again and again, just wondering and trying to figure out what it was but yeah also can't deny that I was pleasured by watching those nude scenes or bikini girls. Then this thing picked up its pace, I started searching for these models online and watching their half naked or naked pictures. It continued for some time and then at school my friends often talked about masturbation in their conversations with each other, now keep in mind that I hadn't masturbated or orgasmed yet. So I had no idea what they were talking about and I would usually laugh it off. Again my colony friends too mentioned about masturbation and one time opened a porn site on of our friends computer. I was then exposed to porn and its effects but no masturbation yet because I thought it was some dirty thing that only bad kids did. In grade 8th or 9th, my school buddy told me to try "up and down" with my pee pee he didn't said it directly but I took it literally and for a fact I knew what he meant so I started taking interest in it and one day decided to try it for myself. By that time I was already watching porn on a phone which I could access in the house and whenever I was free or bored, I would watch it. So the time came and I remember sitting in my room alone, phone in my hand, watching my favorite porn video(yes I know) and then I did the trick, I masturbated and ejaculated. I don't recall the exact feeling I had at that moment, I was surprised that my body had just released a white fluid. I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself, did it again the next day and the day after until I became a slave to it. I would find new videos to masturbate to, fed my brain with novelty and my mind was just blown away with all the porn available. This carried on for few years that one day..

    I stumbled upon a post on my Facebook and the title read "This guy achieved superpowers after quitting PMO", I opened up the page and read through it, It felt like I was doing everything wrong. I searched on the internet for more pieces of the puzzle to fulfill and side by side justifying my actions with online posts about PMO that "Its normal and healthy". After quite a bit of research and reading about NoFap, I decided to give it a try. My longest streak was 19 days and those were literally the best 19 days of my life at that time so I decided to get serious with NoFap and made an account here. It was back in the end of December,2016 that I made a vow to myself, I would never ever give up on this journey and look back at pornography the same way I used to. Fast forward to almost three years into NoFap, Everything has changed..

    Before that I would like to focus a bit more on what happened between those years of watching pornography and masturbating to it and how it affected me as a person.

    I would watch it almost daily and masturbate at least once a day, I would never overdo it and just a couple of times had I masturbated twice a day and sometimes not even once but I was an avid watcher of porn. It wasn't hardcore or even amateur I would say just watching solo girls and they were enough to get me hard. However even though my frequency of masturbating and intensity of pornography wasn't as much but it still took a toll on me. I had anxiety attacks, I thought negative, way too much so much so that if anything or something happened to me I would always think about its negative aspect and procrastinated a lot. I would think about having sex with women and they became sex objects for me. I visualized porn in my mind and I dreamt of sex. I would think about what if I was a Pornstar, how much I would be able to have sex and.. I Masturbated visualizing women whom I knew in real life.. I feel ashamed of myself saying all of this but yeah a part of me had become like this. Every time I watched porn there was this another side that took control over my mind and my body and I didn't felt myself. The fantasies that porn taught me I considered them to be real. Every time I masturbated I felt those feelings of guilt and shame, that I am a bad person.. I wanted a change in my life and it happened..

    When I started NoFap seriously i.e at the start of 2017 my life did a complete turnaround, me as a person too. As I gained momentum and built up my character with activities like going to the gym, regular meditation, being social and just enjoying the little things. I felt this huge rush of energy inside me that I could do whatever I want and even conquer the whole world. I had never ever in my life experienced such bliss and joy, days turned into weeks and weeks into months from 9 to 36,46....97 days, that year of 2017 was a special one as I had begun to take control over my life as I wanted to. After hitting 97 days, right after few days of my 18th birthday, I fell down and have been struggling to get back up since then. I have seen myself at the bottom of the pit, crying, screaming to get out of it. Falling down over and over again in the same manner, trying different ways, adopting different methods with some successes here and there but the pit digs deeper and deeper. I have hit a plateau of streaks 10-14 days with some 30s here and there. I haven't had a long and clean streak since forever and I feel like I can't quit but even though I feel like it I don't want to give up because all these years I have built up a certain type of mentality and strength that no matter what I WON'T THROW IN THE TOWEL! I have come this far and I can't go back now, I won't. I made a promise to myself that I would never ever look back on my life the same way I used to and I still stand by it. I can still see the ray of light shining through that hole on top of the pit.

    Nofap has changed me as a person for the better.
    I now look at women with respect, love and resist the sexual thoughts that come into my mind. I have a couple of female friends now too whom i admire and like.
    I now look at life in a whole different way that the universe is open for me and calling my name, whatever is for me will come to me.
    I now have much more clarity about my future and have identified my passion in life.
    I love my family, friends and relatives and the social circle that I have.
    My connection with God i.e my spiritual power is now much more strong. I have firm faith and belief in the supreme almighty.
    And things like discipline, integrity, loyalty, honesty have taken their due place inside me.
    I have begun to enjoy life and its little things. I find happiness in the darkest of times.
    I don't fear failure as much as I used to, I try to learn from it and look ahead.
    There's this inner voice inside of me and I talk to him a lot, He always pushes me through failure and is there for me every single time to pick me up and get my life straight. He always talks sense into me.
    I do the little chores around in my house and am always on the lookout to help someone out or to be of some kind of assistance.
    I have become much more calm, patient and genuine than ever before.
    Today I feel like I really am myself and who I am supposed to be, though I am still far away from being the best version of myself but now I know Who he is, Who is Pyara.
    But I got a long way to go to experience all these things to the fullest, I have merely touched them.

    I don't watch porn nor masturbate on a regular basis now it has toned down to two times a month and sometimes three but..other times its tough to find motivation to keep going and there is that sense of being lost but still I choose to move forward, Many times I would lose my reason and there's not enough for me to linger on for longer. I have lost some thought and reason in this journey. Its the activity of pornography and then MO along with it that's tough for me and currently I am struggling, stumbling coming off of two back to back relapses of 13 days and 12 days.
    For the past year or so I am leaning more towards amateur and a little bit of hardcore pornography now that the older videos are not enough for my satisfaction. In these last two relapses my pee pee didn't got as hard and I noticed this trend in my earlier relapses too where it just wouldn't become fully erect. I really don't want to fall into ED and watch hardcore pornography its just too messed up to even think about.

    Any tips or insights would be really helpful from you people after reading my story. I can't thank you enough if you made it this far it really overwhelms my heart.

    There's much more to say and share but if I were to sit here and talk about everything it would take a few days or so for me to write lol as I am not that good at writing and I don't even know how I wrote this much and if it's good or not. I appreciate you and the time you took to read all of this if you made it here, it means the world to me. I want to leave this post here with a statement.
    My name is Pyara, I am 19 years old and I am going to break free of this addiction.
    Thank you.

    Edit; The road to recovery is still on. I will keep updating my journal no matter what, I am going to make sure that I come back here everytime with something to share and learn. The link of my new thread is right here
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2020
  2. Eaglevision_2019

    Eaglevision_2019 Fapstronaut

    No matter how long it takes, DONT give up. Somehow you will always find inner strength to keep making a stride. Remember you can be knocked down, but not OUT. Stay strong buddy. I repeat, NEVER, OUT of the fight. There is so much at stake. Cheers.
    Pyara31 likes this.
  3. bigboibez

    bigboibez Fapstronaut

    The second week has always been the hardest for me.

    But instead of looking at a streak mindset, look at it as a lifestyle (as you had done in 2017).
    Even if you get to 1000 days and that is your goal you will still feel like you haven't 'achieved' nofap.
    What I decided to do is look at it as a lifestyle.
    This means that you have already achieved your goal as soon as you quit. you then just have to go through the withdrawals and eventually they will die down and you'll be good forever. instead of seeing a day in the future as a goal, say the day you quit is the day you got back control of your life. the days after that don't matter.

    good luck
    Pyara31 and Deleted Account like this.
  4. Haha, it's like science. You only can prove it false. But in difference to science, this is not what you want...
    As to you it's more a question of lifestyle to me. But day counting is very useful for me, it makes nofap a bit of a game, and it gives me an inspiration to try to get to even longer streaks.
    Pyara31 likes this.
  5. Pyara31

    Pyara31 Fapstronaut

    Sorry for the late reply and thank you sir for the motivation, all the best on your journey.
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019
  6. Pyara31

    Pyara31 Fapstronaut

    Yes I am also trying to look at it as a lifestyle goal. The days are just to keep the motivation going but they don't matter after a certain period of time, I know because I have been there. One eventually stops thinking about it. I am just struggling to be at that point but I certainly won't give up. I shall keep on moving forward and quit it today as you said. Thank you sir and best wishes on your journey.
  7. Pyara31

    Pyara31 Fapstronaut

    Yes counting days are useful but it's not all that matters. Think about it like that, rebooting for a certain amount of days just rewires your brain and to achieve full on porn free life you have to look at the bigger picture i.e think of it as a lifestyle option. It will become a habit and you won't think of watching porn anymore. But yes inspiration does come from the number of days we have been off, much power to you moving forward sir. Thanks for replying.

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