The underlying tension

Day 24: Over the past few days I started feeling something I hadn’t before. An odd tension began rising within me. Unlike an urge for porn, the addict brain within me called for something to fill the void porn had left.

After talking with one of my friends about—to my discomfort and sadness—the fact that he had decided to go down the path of polygamous sex/party sex, drugs and alcohol, I realized that something in it appealed to me.

Based on my fathers’ addiction to drugs and alcohol, I have always been straight edge, knowing I had the addiction gene too. (Fortunately he has been sober for 2 years now) However, after having lost porn, the addict in me subconsciously desired to then fill its void. As porn overloads the brains’ systems, causing it to crave the unnatural amounts of stimulation porn gives, my addict brain is always looking for something to give it the same rush porn once did, which is probably why the now controlled porn mind within me attempted to influence my conscious: Drugs, alcohol and recreational sex are all designed to bombard the brain with unnatural amounts of feel good chemicals.


It’s unlike an urge from porn though, because it’s not necessarily desiring porn. It’s just this uncomfortable tension that puts me on edge. And I hate it. I feel if it became too much, it could potentially push me past my boundaries, and make me do things I regret.

Fortunately, discussing it with my SO relieved a lot of my symptoms. But it was still disturbing to have this tension in the first place.


Has anyone else experienced a kind of tension that Influences your thoughts In an attempt to replace the rush pmo gave? Also how does one combat becoming apathetic towards pmo over time? My coping mechanism so far has been talking to people about it/my addiction, and picking it apart/poking holes in my addict brains’ arguments for relapsing. Talking helps me to get my priorities straight and stay motivated, but I feel like I may need more as I progress to continue to abstain.