The universe is preventing me from getting laid

Hey @wakeandquake, welcome to the forum! We're glad you're here, making a commitment to improve your life.

Now let's get something straight...

YOU are responsible for YOUR life, not anyone else! Don't blame The Universe, don't blame God, don't blame Karma or bad luck. You need to get out of this victim mentality, or that's just what you'll continue to be, a victim.

Until you take responsibility for your life and the things in it, you'll be like a row-boat in the middle of the pacific with no paddle.

If you really wanted to get laid tonight and truly believed that you could against all odds, you would get laid. Plain and simple.

Yeah, you might not like this idea. It might not feel "comfortable". But it's the truth. Sure, bad things happen sometimes. Sure, you may be carrying some messed-up childhood trauma. But it is YOUR choice in how to deal with it, and it is YOUR responsibility to do so!

You CAN create your life to fit your exact desires. You CAN go out and turn yourself into the man that gets laid every night, if that's what you want.

There are 2 basic things you need in order to alter your life, self, and consequences :

1. A mindset of pure belief that you WILL accomplish what you set out to do
2. A Burning Desire to do so

Until you have both of those things, nothing will change for you.

Don't just sit on your ass and wait for it to fall in your lap. Go out and get it.

 

11 days into my NoFap was the first day I cried over my dad's passing 2 years ago. My dad never understood me and was always yelling at me or spanking me or threatening me with something. I hated my dad throughout most of my life. the other day I began thinking of what would happen if I got married and impregnated my SO, and how I would feel.

I began to realize i'd be scared. my dad probably was the same way, which is why he probably did what he did, he was scared too and that was his way to deal with it. I finally could empathize and wanted to apologize to him and tell him I had forgiven him...then I realized he was dead...and then I started crying.

Only once you have purged the sin from your life, the learning can begin.

 

Hey, how are you approaching girls in the daytime?

 

Involve yourself in different hobbies. That's how you meet decent people in a natural way, by talking about things you have in common with them.

Never ever approach a strange woman and tell her she is attractive. Attractive women already know they are attractive and they will find the situation creepy. Ugly women know you are lying and will find the situation creepy. Average looking women will not be able to build on a conversation like that and will find it, and you, creepy.

 

I've read some of your posts and I think your advice is awesome and very on point. However I fail to understand the meaning of turning men into professional pick up machines with the sole purpose of getting laid. Is it because prostitution is too expensive?

Getting laid every night is just managing the art of smooth talk and finding girls that are drunk/depressed enough. Its a little bit like shooting fish in a barrel, or a real life extention of a porn habit, if you will. Wouldn't it be more of a sport to be one of those magnetic, interesting guys that women actually want to be around even in daylight? A man who they dont feel embarrassed to have slept with? The kind of man that is so attractive that girls want to spend all their wake time around him? I'm not judging, I think if a man's only purpose is to get laid and he is single, he should do so. But so many guys have potential for more.

 

Agree with finding hobbies like classes or markets. Anything where you can use triangulation to start a conversation is good.

Have to disagree though that approaching a woman and stating she's attractive is creepy.

That takes courage. You're expressing yourself shamelessly - and it can be done smoothly. "Hi, I know this is random, but I thought you were cute and just had to meet you." (This is basically how a lot of people met pre-internet).

This gets all the bullshit out of the way, and she'll either be attracted to you or not.

Creepy is subjective. The above line could come across as creepy or not depending on how one presents himself and the body language and tonality of his voice.

 

I've been droning on a bit about a book called 'Models' here lately... But since you said you might like to try a guide, I can wholeheartedly recommend that book.

I'm almost done reading it, have changed a few things in my lifestyle because of it. Already meeting more women, and incrementally working my way up to openly sharing my intentions face to face.

Seriously, I've read a lot of stuff and paid money for videos on 'pickup'. This is not the typical Alpha negging (remember this line and approach from this angle) kind of advice. There's a listing for this book in the universe on amazon somewhere!

 

To the OP:

Your first paragraph says everything a therapist needs to know to help you return back on track.

There is no conspiracy in the universe to keep you away from enjoying your life; the universe is filled with opportunities for you, but how you go about your life is your own choice.

You did not develop resilience to overcome your childhood trauma, you developed coping mechanisms that protected you from the threat of not being able to survive in your childhood. Those mechanisms were healthy when you were a child, they allowed you to survive, but in adulthood they are wreaking havoc in your life; this is the reason you cannot connect with women. Your care takers didn't give you the attention you need to develop emotional awareness and strength in your early years, to reassess whether there is any more a threat to your survival and change those coping mechanisms into more healthy ones. You are not resilient currently, you are afraid, you are scared, you are emotionally immature. It's fine to cry if you are emotionally mature, only dumb people say that if you are resilient you should not cry. Crying is a way of expressing pain, and by god you are in deep pain!

The only way out is to bring about emotional maturity into your life and that means, literally, to do the work that your care takers did not do. It is hard hard hard work, but it's worth it. What does this work mean? It means that you have to ask yourself on a constant basis what you feel and you are not allowed to use these two answers: meh and ok. Catch your own attention as often as possible and ask yourself "what do I feel now in my body?". Fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, loneliness, joy, hunger, despair, jealousy etc.; get a vocabulary of emotions and read it then try to identify what you feel. That will ground you in your own body and over a period of time you will start to be more aware of what you feel. You have tried from your childhood to shut down all emotions and all the feelings in your body; that's not resilience! That's what's wrecking havoc in your life.

Other advice:
- Read this: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/a-primer-on-dealing-with-negative-emotions.235876/
- You are depressed: you are disconnected from nature, go out and have long walks, without time limit and let your thoughts come and go, don't judge then, don't push them away, let them come and go and with time they'll go away. You have to give yourself the attention, now, that your parents did not give you when you were a child
- quit social medial, all of it! no excuses
- think about which part of your environment is hurting you (I just quit a high paying job, because it's not worth it, but it took years to reach the point of realisation that I should have left much much earlier - see what I did there? regret)
- get active with very long walks, bicycle rides, a run here and there, maybe swim, anything to take you into nature, not in the gym at this point
- do not replace one habit (PMO) with another (smoking, alcohol, gym)

Your sexual urges and desire to be with a woman stem from believing that you need someone else to fill the void you feel inside. No one is responsible for that but you yourself, you must fill the void on your own, by your own. The void is the loneliness you feel because you are disconnected from yourself, from nature and from your immediate environment.

Once you will be able to identify your emotions as you go by through your day, you will start listening to what your body tells you (read about the vagus nerve, gives us the gut feeling). Once you start listening to your body and not shut down what it's trying to tell you, you will be able to pick up the signals from girls and from other people that they like you and that they want you around. That's when you'll be resilient and emotionally mature and it will become very natural to chat and open up. Once you will be emotionally mature you will be much caring towards yourself (physically and mentally) and your body and demeanour will radiate health and elegance. And then you'll find that you need companionship in your life and you'll enter far more healthier relationships.

Hope this helps to direct you a bit!

 

In theory maybe it works, if you are a solid ten on the looks scale, are hung like a horse and stand to inherit the throne of a smaller country. But let's face it, a guy that says like that makes his intentions clear, meaning:
1. He only cares about your looks and is not interested in you as a person and
2. He tries that line on every girl and you as a woman are not special.
I think it's a wonderful thing to say to a person after you've known them for some time, but the average Joe doesn't get away with it as an initial starting phrase. I can say this as a woman who have heard that line and similar many, many times, not because I'm special in the least but because I'm a female. It has never led to anything. A guy that says something interesting, or cracks a joke is far more alluring and unusual. You wanna get to know the woman, but what reason does she have to get to know you?

 

Very well said!

 

This and OP's post hitted me like a hammer. I'm facing a similar situation and God, it is taking so much work, and so much time...

 

Brother its not a day that goes by and I dont think about clapping some female cheeks, I feel your pain, I really do. The only thing I can tell you is continue on doing nofap. Dont do for the sole sake of getting your willy wet(Im guilty of this) do it because you want to improve yourself, I guarantee you will get laid.

 

Whatever you do, don't go trough with this, please. It won't solve anything. I do believe we'll carry this with us in any form, until we resolve it.

Sometimes I also feel like everything is working against me being happy with someone. And then I think about what I could have done to deserve such a fate. And well, I broke a lot of hearts growing up. I must have had a fair share of girls wishing I'd end up alone and miserable.

How to solve that? I can only think, start by being nice to women. Love your mother, grandmother and your sisters. Show more respect to women. Earn it.

I wanted to say something like this. I think it's the best plan to go with. Join groups who share your interests. Learn a language. Try new things.

 

Sometimes I also think that the universe keeps me from getting a woman. For example, I usually find myself in one of the two situations: Either I meet the right woman under the wrong circumstances or the wrong woman under the right circumstances.

 

You guarantee he'll get laid? How the fuck can you guarantee he can get laid? I've done 2 months nofap record I was the same piece of shit and unable to do anything with a woman, guess why? Cuz I didn't change anything about myself except not masturbating. I'm tired of people saying false statements, yes you can fap but in moderation once a week without porn while working on yuorself and it's gonna be a ton better than just abstaining and going crazy while being sexually frustrated at the same time....

 

I'd like to reply to your points regarding intention:

1. The guy does care about a girl's looks. Hopefully he has put effort into presenting himself well also. However, this is not the only thing he cares about (assuming he has good intentions).

2. The guy might try the "hey you're cute, had to meet you" line many times. But everything said after that should be unique. They may actually not like one girl's personality and politely move on. So, not all the same (again, if he's after a decent relationship).

With good intention (eye contact, confident voice, smiling, well groomed etc.) it should mean 'I'd like to get to know you, you might be what I like and visa versa'. Whereas someone with bad intention may be thinking/conveying 'you're hot, I've said this line 10 times today already, hurry up and give me your number'. This would be more likely to come across as creepy. Or, they may be thinking along the lines of a good intention - but conveying it poorly as they are nervous, which again can look creepy (or sometimes cute, if a girl appreciates the gesture and is intrigued).

Therefore I don't think it matters what is said. But how it's said, and how the person presents themselves when they say it.

Talking like a jerk/too nervous = possible creep
Confident and friendly = possible boyfriend material

Tell me I'm wrong...?

 

So say that you have a store, and two people came in. One of them would be very shy, but still manage to say "gosh what a nice place you have here, with so many pretty things". The other one would be very confident and say "wow, so much awesome stuff, you really have a lot going on for you in this store, I wouldn't mind having some of the products myself!" Now, to whom would you give free stuff?

Likely neither. You run a business. It doesn't matter if people want the things you have there unless they offer something in return. Sexuality, friendships and relationships are commodities too. A woman doesn't offer herself just because you want her. She offers because you can provide her with something valuable.

To state ones wants, feelings and desires is not the art of making good conversation. It's what a very small child would do. Making conversation is about finding what the other one would benefit from, and build on that. Remember that the whole MeToo movement largely is about women getting insulted by non attractive guys clumsily trying to get to know them.