The worst case scenario has happened s/o to a PA

Do all to the glory of God…I’ve got several things to say to you so please bear with me.

My dear wonderful counselor taught me several things including what it means to be a real Christian. We all fall short of the glory of God and I don’t preach to anyone anymore than I want them preaching to me. I find it downright insulting with their bible beating self righteous indignation. Besides as he put it “Christians are their own worst enemy”. I’m sure I’ll get some backlash over that but the hypocrisy runs deep. Besides I seriously don’t give a shit.

You are right about one thing. It isn’t your thread anymore than it is mine. Last I checked it belonged to Loveandfaith.

If this experience of yours is not one you like to talk about and understandably so then why talk about it? I did learn that we need to talk about it. With all of the 12 step information plastered all over here isn’t it a necessity to do so with God and another human being? That’s step 5 btw. Although you may not have orchestrated it you are a party to it so it is imperative for you to do that for your own healing don’t you think?

We also learned about the importance of processing our wounds and judgments towards others. Failure to do so allows them to continue in a perpetual cycle. As a man of God isn’t it incumbent upon you to find forgiveness? Do you even know how? We also learned that forgiveness isn’t about the person who wronged us but solely about us.

This thread is not about you but whether you realize it or not you made it all about you. The prejudice against you? Really? Specifically who is prejudice against you? As a man? People don’t respond to you out of prejudice because you’re a man. They respond to you out of reaction to the views you express that are contrary to what a healthy functioning adult male response should look like. And you absolutely have every reason to understand what women have experienced else you really shouldn’t be handing out advice to them as if you do. As a woman I am telling you that you are very much out of touch with women. The points that my counselor told my husband were empathy understanding and validation. Maybe you could try it for a while.

Another thing my counselor taught me was that this idea of knowing what another poster thinks? It’s gaslighting. I didn’t understand it at first but now I notice it everywhere. How could you possibly know what another person thinks? If you understood that then perhaps you could understand much more than you have demonstrated here. What attitude is that of the SO’s you speak of? Mine? The other women here? You’ve made a cross the board blanket statement about our attitudes yet have done little to cross examine your own. Our attitude is a reflection of our perception. You want to talk about “unfair”? How fair is it that we’ve had to endure the insurmountable bullshit in our relationships with our addicted spouses? Honestly I don’t really need anymore knowledge to know what else I know. It’s a duck. Go figure that one out! But please don’t talk to us about what is fair.

The SO’s having a hard time that you speak of…none of us chose this journey. None of us were privy to information kept in lies and secrets to make an educated choice about our lives. And now that we are getting educated addicts want to cry foul. Brene’ Brown is one of my favorite authors. You know what she said? “If you’re not in the arena fighting the fight with me I’m not really interested in what you have to say”. You’re not in the arena. You’re sitting up in the nosebleed section trying to tell us how to fight our fight that if it weren’t for our SO we wouldn’t even be having to fight. If you want to provide wisdom stop trying to walk a mile in your shoes and grab a pair of my pumps and walk a mile in those and see how it feels. Experience it and then talk to me about wisdom.

Do you have any idea how many of us have been subject to some form of sexual abuse as if we couldn’t possibly understand? Since you are compelled to tell us what we think maybe I can tell you what I think. I think you believe you have forgiven the perpetrator but don’t have the necessary understanding of forgiveness. Does 70x7 ring a bell? If your anger and hatred instantly vanished then why does it appear to manifest itself here with us? For one who chooses no longer to dwell on the wrongs done you’re certainly dwelling on the wrongs done…and talking about them. Have you forgotten it? Hardly. And maybe you believe yourself that the pain is gone for good. It doesn’t appear that way to me.

Look…I do believe you have good intentions. I just believe that your intentions are misguided and that while you have honorable intentions to evangelize to the masses much of what you’re trying to accomplish gets lost in translation. I also believe you don’t have the faintest idea what women think in spite of your ramblings to the contrary.

I said none of this to attack you. I said all of it in hopes that you would finally see that much of what you have said here warrants cross examination and self introspection. I would highly encourage you to dig into those deep seated childhood wounds. They’re contagious and can have dire consequences. Please don’t take offense and accept it for the constructive criticism it was intended to be.

 

Read through most of this. The most inexcusable thing is the kids seeing it. It's hard enough keeping kids away from porn with the age we're living in, let alone that example being set in the house. There's an opportunity there though for him to tell them how addictive and poisonous it is. No one actually warns teen boys against masturbation in terms that mean anything to them, they talk only about the abstract moral issues with porn, not what it can do to your mind, body and relationships. It would probably be quite an awkward conversation for your husband but that could serve as a sort of penance for him.

What you've described as frustrating in this thread also offers some hope I think as well though. You've described periods where he seems to have quit but then has later relapsed. The relapses are disappointing and frustrating but at least there has been at times a genuine desire to quit and some prolonged success. You see a lot of women make these threads where their other halves just lie continually, but at least here there's a prospect for change. I don't blame you if you haven't the patience for it anymore, though. Hope things work out.

 

My mother might have done worse in your situation, so don't beat yourself. But seriously, you surely experienced a lot of trauma because you were living with an asshole who first used you like a masturbation doll, and later sprayed his poison into your adult life, not even your kids were sparred. It's delusional to foresee any positive outcome when the situation has reached such a culmination of anger on your side, it's not how a healthy relationship is but a toxic one.

I am sure, while you stumbled into his intimate research history, you saw very disturbing contents, far creepier than I actually can phantom considering how he tried to seduce your own mother. You already wasted enough of your life with a sexual ghoul who never saw you as anything more than a human fleshlight. Now, you need to protect your kids who might be traumatized for life, maybe even become worse men than him in the future.

Logically he already crossed a no-return line since he tried to seduce your mother, it looks like you are only postponing the inevitable. If you think leaving is a devastating thought, then maybe you can ponder and measure how much devastating is living with a man who wanted to have sex with your mother.

Just think rationally, why are you attached to such a horrible man in the first place?

 

For someone who claims that female rape victims played a responsible part in being 'undecent' enough to attract trouble, I wonder how this logic may apply to him.