The Written Word + Q for Female SOs

I’m not a SO but I’ve struggled with this same issue. Erotica was an exstention if my porn use and really isn’t much different than porn in my opinion. Writing an erotic story that was very hurtful to my SO is what caused me to come here.

That being said having fantasies and not m to them to an obsessive level seems within the realm of sane to me.
Ultimately what you do has to be agreed upon by you and your SO and followed to the T.

If it seems unreasonable or in do able. Then you should be honest about that.

 

I'm another male, sorry.

I find this a bit hard to understand, to be honest. The only way I can imagine a fantasy that I don't want to come true is actual fiction, like a novel or a movie. Yes, I can see how you could enjoy being turned on by a story set in a particular time and place that you never could do even if you wanted to. Well, you could pretend to be in a medieval castle or whatever, but you know.

But apart from that I find this hard to understand. Generally speaking if I'm turned on by the idea of something sexual, then it's something I want to do with a woman in real life.

Maybe she doesn't believe you that you don't want to do them? Maybe she's weirded out by these things? Maybe the fact that you don't want them with her makes her feel she can't satisfy you? It's hard to say without knowing more about what this material is.

 

I'm not sure if this helps, this is just how I personally feel about this, but I've discussed about this issue with my boyfriend as well. He would always argue 'if I play a video game where I kill people, or imagine I'm a fictional character that kills people, or have a nightmare where I kill someone, does that make me a murderer?" (when discussing about porn and if imagining sex with other women is cheating etc.) Of course it doesn't. Doing something in one's head (or on the screen) is not real and does not have to reflect in any way on who they are as a person. I myself enjoy lots of 'violent' video games and movies and it would never ever cross my mind to be violent towards anyone in real life. On the contrary, I would consider myself a very gentle and peaceful person by nature.

The thing with a sexual fantasy is that when it triggers your sexual arousal, it's not just a fantasy anymore. What is happening in your body is a real reaction. And that reaction is based on your real attraction to whatever real woman/fictional character/sexual fantasy you like. If a fantasy (visual or mental) physically excites you, then it does start to reflect on you as a person. It reflects on you in so far as that it shows you are physically willing to experience that fantasy, even if you personally don't or can't act on it.

If you masturbate to porn and imagining yourself with other women, you are showing that you could enjoy cheating because it physically excites you to imagine yourself with those women. If it sexually excites you to imagine certain fetishes or fictional characters in certain situations, you are showing that you could enjoy those fantasies in real life because they trigger real physical reactions.

It's not so much about really acting your fetishes/fantasies out, it's more about the fact that if you had the possibility you would/could enjoy them because your body is already enjoying them.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to you, but it might be reflecting your SO's thoughts on this. Hopefully your talk with her will clear things up.

 

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That is an excellent way of putting it.
I would like to add, I would feel as, i always have second best never the one you choose. You are still using someone or something else to excite you. She feels inadequate in making you aroused and is constantly thinking About what you've got in your head specially during sex and I can say from experience it's how i feel and it taints sex. Them thoughts are always there.

Then add you arguing to keep your fantasies of other things/people and think how she sees it, not attractive enough not good enough not first choice not the one you want really. some may seem irrational to you but they are very real to her. You need to stop. For her sanity.