These days my porn use seems more moderate the more I use it?

The title might sound confusing. But basically what I mean by this is when I am on streaks and then end up on porn, the PMO usually seems to feel like ecstasy to me, I fall into insane edging and binging sessions. But see the strange thing is, see after maybe a day of this behaviour, the PMO begins to become boring to me. If I continue to PMO by this point it maybe happens once or twice in the day, but much shorter sessions, much less pleasure, just overall I find it much more boring.

But then if I maybe went a day or two without PMO it might be a bit more exciting and enjoyable again, but not all that much.

But then yeah if I go on streaks that last a few weeks, month etc, and end up on it, usually the pleasure when I PMO at this point is like ecstasy, where I fall into extreme edging and binging sessions that usually last all day, and I feel this extreme pleasure all day.

The thing I find strange though is which behaviour out the two of these sounds more like the addict? The guy who is hardly ever on porn and artificial sexual stimulation, but then when he does end up on it binging like a maniac, finding the PMO like an ecstasy like pleasure, and this going on for an entire day?

Or the guy who PMO's here and there, sessions are short, and he usually finds it pretty boring, experiences little pleasure from it?

It's just the first one to me seems more like the addict behaviour. It's kind of like if someone had a few drinks every other day, but that's the worst it ever got, or someone who didn't drink anything for weeks, a month, but then when they drank they go completely crazy and drink like a madman, get completely paraletic drunk.

I mean which is actually worse?

 

Well they say edging and binging is the most damaging thing when it comes to PMO. Just seems like I would never binge if I had access to it 24/7. The edging and binging more seems to come along with me when I haven't had access to it, haven't been on it in a while and then I get access.

But who knows, maybe if I did just continuously have access to it again, the edging and binging would start increasing again.

The porn and artificial sexual just seemed so boring to me the last time I had access to it for a few days after a day of edging and binging. I had access to it for about 4 days later and just found it extreme boring. I think I only PMOed once the second day for a short period of time, hardly enjoyed it, and wasn't jacking off to it again for the next 3 days. Then after this I managed to fix an issue I was having on my computer and blocked everything again.

 

For the most part I seem to be completely clean from porn and artificial sexual stimulation. But then I have got to a stage where I have been desperate for porn, and sometimes went out my way to attempt bypasses, sometimes it has worked. Other times I have just basically allowed myself to view it after time.

I really don't know what the goal is with me anymore. It used to be trying to make sure I am 100% clean from porn and artificial sexual stimulation, that was always my goal. But I got to a stage I managed to stop obsessing as much about nofap, porefree etc, and this actually improved my mental health quite a good bit, because I suffer with really bad ocd and obsessions, and I was in a serious obsession for years, must never go on porn and artificial sexual stimulation. But when I stopped tracking all my progress, slips, relapses on a calendar every day, when I stopped obsessing so much about all this, I felt quite a great deal of relief from my mental health, the constant obsessions etc. But now I think what has happened as a result is I am not as focused at being 100% clean as I used to be.

Ironically these days I am much cleaner from porn and artificial sexual stimulation than even back when my mindset was a lot stricter about staying 100% clean. I have a good blocking configuration, and then also getting rid of other devices etc. I actually basically put this down to the only reason I am able to stay clean for significant periods of time.

I was actually on an extreme edging and binging PMO rampage basically, from the age of 18 until about the age of 28. I am now 30. It's like night and day how much my behaviour has changed in the last 2 years. But yeah I still can't stay 100% clean even still.

 

My mindset seems to change quite quickly which I think is part of my problem.

A while back when I was completely obsessed with no porn and artificial sexual stimulation, constantly keeping track of everything on calendars etc, this basically just kept me constantly motivated to always try to never go on porn and artificial sexual stimulation. But unfortunately the extent of how much I was obsessed about it was unhealthy to. It was having a very negative effect on my mental health.

These days what I am finding with not being anywhere near as obsessed with nofap, pornfree, after about 2 to 4 weeks being clean from it, I am quite quickly forgetting just how bad it is, and I don't seem to be caring about ending up on it again. But then when I do end up on it again and that edging, binging happens, I remember again just how bad it is. This seems to be where I am at.

You guys are lucky that can just always remain motivated with this stuff, even the longer you're off it etc.

I tend to forget quite quickly, so after 2 to 4 weeks of being clean, then other stresses in life happen, and I am much more focused on those other stresses at this point than staying clean from porn and artificial sexual stimulation, and then I eventually just always end up back on it.