Things I've noticed after four days

This sub-section is focused on abstinence, retention, and sexual transmutation, and I'm going to focus on that. I will mention a few spiritual things briefly, but that's not the focus here.

Recently, after a depressive spell, I went on a 24-hour fast (meant to be a seven day fast but broke it due to adverse effects), deleted all of my porn and general photos of women, and replaced my Windows 10 operating system with Debian 10 as part of an effort to pursue a new career path, slow down my porn habits, and to gently push myself towards lifestyle changes.

Here are some of the things that I have noticed:

I no longer have cravings for porn. I still like to look at pictures of cute girls, but keeping a whole gallery of photos just feels weird and perverted now.

Even though I do not think that masturbation in-and-of itself is harmful in moderation and with proper resources and techniques, I no longer have much of a desire to masturbate, and I keep thinking of how short-lived it is. Touching myself feels weird, and I even tried looking at masturbation toys, but they just look and sound so weird and perverted now, and some of them border on, or basically are, pornographic material.

Even though I like masturbation and think it is okay, I'm so close to making it to seven days without it, and no longer see the point in it, so I'm afraid of doing it.

I don't like sweets anymore. Before the fast and before PMO, I couldn't stop eating sweets, but now, they just don't interest me, and whenever I eat some, I feel like crying for some reason, and can't eat very many. I can't even eat cookie dough without distracting myself from it with YouTube videos, which leads me to:

YouTube doesn't interest me anymore. I still watch it out of boredom and loneliness, but I no longer have faith in it as a source of answers and information, and it mostly feels like a waste of time unless it's a tutorial.

My moods have been swinging a lot, and it's hard-ish to sleep. I can fall asleep much more easily now, and it may have to do with me not wasting time and staying awake watching YouTube and PornHub, but every time I go to bed, I have a whole existential crisis and feel like I'm in a constant loop of getting up, dealing with bullshit, feeling inferior to most people, and going to bed, just to do it tomorrow, just to get some money and spend the weekend alone, and it makes me kick around the idea of either suicide, or just traveling the world, doing volunteer work, and creating art.

Every night, my mind wrestles with itself, and then I fall asleep, only to wake from increasingly vivid dreams, and struggling to go back to sleep, as I am half-asleep with this odd feeling like there's a religious argument going inside my mind between two different people, one arguing that life is spiritual, and that God is real, and that we must align ourselves with him, and one arguing that life is technical and meaningless, and that sleep is pointless because tomorrow will be the same simulation as yesterday.

One voice telling me to sleep a little longer, and one voice telling me to wake up and fulfill my duty.

Spoiler: Dream Example

An example of my increasingly vivid dreams is that I once had a dream that I was standing in some forest on an overcast day in the Winter, with the sun shining just below the clouds, setting. I was standing near a steep bank that drops down into a river, and there were dead leaves everywhere, and I was wearing a purple hat with some red emblem pattern on the front, and I was holding some rust-colored pointy artifact. I was talking to myself about how I was exiled from some community, and it had something to do with some council or preacher, and two virgins who were Saints.

Despite my depression and existential dread, I feel pretty upbeat at work. I, for now, have decided to give up on the idea of needing to be more of an asshole and having a cynical attitude towards work. My new boss is a raging asshole, but I just find it entertaining, so as long as he doesn't start using personal attacks. My co-workers are pretty chill, though. For now, at least, for the first two days. It's not like I know who all these people truly are.

I've been feeling much more focused and oriented towards being more monastic in my behaviors and nature, and refocusing on volunteering, and I have so much more confidence just trying to do the right things than I do having a cynical attitude about the world and constantly trying to plot out how I'm going to get my revenge on the world around me.

Spoiler: Life Reflection

I think I got tired of being taken advantage of and bullied in my earlier years, and in an attempt to try and harden myself and defend myself by being more cynical and more aloof, I've just become corrupt, perverted, and nihilistic, but not any stronger, or more capable.

Now I've come to the conclusion that the world around me is just immensely corrupt in ways beyond my full comprehension, but there ARE successful people who are virtuous and decent-enough people, so why should I continue to be corrupt and feed into all of the cynicism, nihilism, perversion, hatred and corruption that is constantly right in front of me? The world is bad-enough of a place, the least I can do is try to be a decent person to the best of my ability, and that alone acts as a shield against some persecution in some way.

I thought a lot about life, and came to the conclusion for now that the only two things I consider a bare-minimum for me to live is to:

1. Write stories
2. Secure my little sister's future

Aside from those two things, I just want to, live life, I guess. Everything else is either a means to an end, or just for the experience. Like, I want to *experience* a relationship or some form of intimacy and love, even if it is temporary, or just for one night. I want to have a pet dog just because I want someone to play Frisbee with, and plus I'd be more resilient with someone by my side. I want to travel the world because I seem to crave and treasure freedom and exploration.

I like computer science because it's both very fascinating, can tie into my two primary objectives in life, and is also an *immensely* powerful means-to-an-end.

But that's all I can think of right now.

 

Keep going Brethren!!!!