Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by SunDrew, Dec 11, 2015.

  1. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    This is a thread based on the book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do by Amy Morin.

    I've been reading her book and it's had a lot of great insight into how to deal with life and become stronger. I've made journal entries on each chapter as I've been reading it. If you like my posts you can get the book here at Amazon. I don't want to infringe on any copyright material of the book because most of my posts are paraphrased or quoted from the book. If anything I would think that I'm giving the book free advertising. Well without any further ado I will begin my posts.
  2. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 1: They Don't Waste Time Feeling Sorry For Themselves

    Oh how this relates to much to all of us. Thing about moments in our lives where we feel sorry for ourselves. Whether it was an accident that you had, a tragedy or something that you were born with. We make excuses for ourselves. We throw ourselves a pity party. Ask yourselves these questions.

    -We tend to think our problems are worse than anyone else's.
    -We think bad things only happen to us.
    -Problems seems to add up at a faster rate than anyone else.
    -You're more likely to tell people about the bad things that happened in your day than the good.
    -You complain that life isn't fair.
    -You wonder if the world is out to get you.

    Do you see yourselves doing these things? If yes, why do we feel sorry for ourselves?

    Feeling sorry for ourselves helps us live in quiet desperation. It's a rational way for us to think that it's okay to do nothing and the world should expect less from us.

    Misery becomes a bragging right. A contest with others on how bad our lives are. Imagine someone down the road asking your why you didn't chase your dream? Would you make some excuse and say that "thing A" happened and then it tumbled into "thing B"? Those things that happen to you are usually only one thing.

    "Feeling sorry for yourself is self-destructive. It leads to new problems and can have serious consequences."

    Living a life where you feel sorry for yourself only leads to these things:

    -You will waste your time. You will use all your mental energy and do nothing to change the situation. Even in situations that you can can't control you make it even worse.
    -It leads to more negative emotions. You will start to become angry, resentful and lonely. The feels you feel only feed into the negative thoughts.
    -It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
    -It prevents you from dealing with other emotions. You stop grieving or being able to move on.
    -It causes you to overlook the good in your life. Why wouldn't you want to enjoy the fact that you are the best employee at your job or writing a book right now? Those are amazing things. Feel good about it.
    -It interferes with relationships. How many times have you heard someone feel sorry for themselves and thought, "that's an attractive trait. She really does a good job at pitying herself."

    How do you stop feeling sorry for yourself?

    1.) Volunteer to help a worthy cause. It will take your mind off of your problems and how can you feel sorry for yourself when you're giving homeless people soup. Many other people have it worse than you do.

    2.) Perform a random act of kindness. Whether you buy a stranger coffee, open the door for someone, or give up your reservation at a restaurant so another couple can sit down you're bringing more meaning to your day.

    3.) Do something active. Physical or mental activity is key. Exercising helps release stress hormones and you will feel much better about yourself afterwards. Your body needs activity to stay sharp.

    4.) Replace thoughts that encourage self pity. Imagine getting into a fender bender car accident. No one gets hurt but one person freaks out and thinks "why me???" The other person tells themself, "I'm extremely lucky that no one got hurt. It's not everyday that you can get into a car wreck without any injuries." See the difference?

    5.) Have a glass half full perspective.

    6.) What kind of advice would you give to a loved one? Give that advice to yourself. Whenever a loved one asks for support you always give them words of encouragement. Do the same for yourself.

    Exchange Self Pity for Gratitude.

    I read a story in this book about this woman, Marla Runyan. Marla is a very accomplished woman. She has a master degree, she's written a book, and she's competed in the Olympics. She even became the first American woman to finish the New York marathon in 2 hours and 27 minutes. (For those of you that don't know, that's a ridiculous time)

    What makes Marla even more amazing is that she is legally blind. Yes, you read that right, SHE'S LEGALLY BLIND. She has been since was diagnosed at 9 years old with a degenerative eye disease.

    Marla has never been able to see the finish line. Maybe that is her blessing. She doesn't see her blindness as a disability. She sees it as a way for her to push for achievement. She's grateful of what her visual impairment gave her.

    She doesn't think to herself, I deserve better. People who think with graditude think, I have more than I deserve.

    I suggest to keep a gratitude journal and tell yourself what you're grateful for everyday. Ask others what they are grateful for.


    Don't all of us in NoFap want to be stronger. Both mentally and physically. Ask yourself what you're grateful for everyday whether it's having a roof over your head, even having the opportunity to change yourself. Many people in the world wake up everyday and wonder if they're going to eat. Even if you only make $34,000 a year you're in the 1% of the world. You're doing a hell of a lot better than most. The opportunity you have is unimaginable compared to others.

    Let's all us NoFap as an opportunity to make your life better and be a better man. Everytime you stay strong and don't feel sorry for yourself you give porn that much less power. Feel grateful that you're on day 5, 10, 80, 150 or whatever. Today is a blessing and the fact that you're on the right track makes your life amazing. Don't stay stagnate. Don't stay in quiet desperation. Get out and live your life.

    And one more thing: Be grateful.
    Rhys0, jokerskill, Ali Prins and 12 others like this.
  3. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 2: They Don't Give Away Their Power

    Think about times where someone else's comments deeply offend you or seem to really jab right into your gut. Why do we do this? Why do we allow those people to get to us? My father used to tell me, "Don't allow anyone else to even take up your mental real estate."

    Be stronger than that. Signs that you empower over people are this.
    -You feel deeply offended by any criticism or negative feedback you receive, regardless of the source.
    -Other people make you so angry you may do things you regret.
    -You've changed goals based on what others told you about what to do with your life.
    -The type of day you have depends on who you interact with.
    -When others guilt you into doing something, you do it reluctantly, even if you don't want to.
    -You spend lots of time complaining about all the things you "have to do"
    -You have difficulty setting boundaries
    -You hold grudges against others.

    Why do we give our power away?

    We think that we are doing ourselves a favor by not confronting situations. We see it as the easy way out. Again, it's living in a quiet desperation and not taking action in your life. Inaction can look like the right choice but it's almost always the wrong choice. Don't allow anything or any outside circumstances ruin what you are doing with your life. Today at the gym I saw probably one of the hottest girls I've ever seen. However, I decided not to allow her to have any power over me. I looked at her and thought, "wow, she's beautiful. I have a girlfriend that I'm in love with and looks only last 5 minutes as my mother always taught me."

    I could have saw her and decided that I needed to look at porn and find another porn star girl online that's close to as hot as her. That's how the mind tries to rationalize it. The triggers are what gets us. I'm not going to let some hot girl throw me off of my path. I don't need to give her any of my mental real estate any longer. She briefly just rented it for a few minutes and now she's gone. My mind is under my control. I don't need to let things get out of hand. It's amazing how liberating it is when you don't give others the power. I got home and took an ice cold shower. Even though the shower literally hurt my head, I could feel the veins in my head constricting but I still fought through it anyways. I was choosing the pain because it makes me stronger. I eventually go used to it and the shower felt amazing. Once you get through the pain, you realize that it's not that bad. When you let the pain of little things like a cold shower get to you, the big things will be amplified even more. It works in the opposite as well.

    There is a story about a cop Steven McDonald who was shot in the face and neck by a 15 year old who was stealing bicycles. Officer McDonald miraculously survived but is quadriplegic. He could've let the punk ruin his life and never forgive the kid. The kid was eventually found and put into prison. Officer McDonald choice to forgive him instead of holding a grudge, why? He said, "why would I let the assailant ruin my life, why would I give him that power?" Officer McDonald is now a speaker about forgiveness to prevent acts of violence. The assailant was going to join him but he died in a motorcycle accident 3 days out of prison.

    How to we not give our power away?

    1.) Reframe your language. "My boss makes me mad." You may not like your bosses behavior but does he really make you mad? Only you can make yourself mad. Don't be a victim of the circumstances. Either do something about it or do nothing. Getting angry only harms one person and that's you.

    2.) Think before you act. Reacting on emotions can give others even more power. When we act on emotions we lose our power. I even learned this in theatre when preparing for roles. The person who is calm always has the power in any situation.

    3.) Take deep breaths. Frustration and anger elevate your heart rate and release stress hormones. When you exhale your body naturally relaxes.

    4.) Excuse yourself from the situation. If you recognize that you are shaking or your face is flushed, remove yourself from the situation. This may mean saying, "I'm not willing to talk about this right now."

    5.) Distract yourself. Go on a walk, read or meditate. Try to take your mind off of the situation so you can later handle it more rationally.

    6.) Learn to evaluate feedback. If someone is giving you criticism ask yourself if it's true. If your boss calls you lazy, think about times that you were lazy. Is it true? If it is, make the choice to change that behavior in yourself. Remember, your boss isn't making you do anything. If you see someone else that's lazier than you don't go pointing fingers to them. Your boss may have spoken to them in private. You don't know that. Don't assume that your boss doesn't like you. Not only do you give your boss the power, you also give the lazier coworker the power. Only focus on yourself.

    7.) Recognize your choices. Instead of saying, "I have to go to work tomorrow." Think that you get too. It's a choice after all. You have a choice in the matter. It's empowering to not feel like a victim of your circumstances.


    When you don't give power to others you empower yourself. Your mental energy isn't being used up focusing on other things. It's being used on the things that you love doing. All of the sudden you will feel like you have so much more free time than normal. Remember these things:

    -Retaining your personal power reduces your risk of depression, anxiety and other mental health issues.
    -Forgiveness reduces stress.
    -Choosing to forgive increases your tolerance to pain.
    -Unconditional forgiveness can help you live longer.

    When you do something tell yourself that you're choosing to not that you have to. It's empowering in every situation. When I tell myself that I'm choosing to go to the gym instead of I have to, the situation seems so much better. I workout harder and my day goes by smoother. When you think you have to do something you zombie walk through it. You just want it to be over with. When you choose to do something you want to do your best at it. That's what it is to be an heir. That is what NoFap is about. Doing your best at everything in life. Whenever you do something ask yourself, "Did I do it well?" "Did I feel like I chose to do this?"

    I choose to not look at porn. Everything is a choice. Even when we are addicted to something, we still choose to do it. It maybe much more painful when we are addicted to something but we still choose to do it regardless. Sometimes we may need help when we are in an addiction. Still, no one can make you do or not do anything. Even with all of our support in helping each other it is still ultimately up to us to fulfill ourselves and become a true man.

    The choice is yours heirs, what do you chose?
  4. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 3: They Don't Shy Away From Change

    Change. The very essence of nature. In the Tao Te Ching, change is considered a law of nature. Nature is constantly changing whether we like it or not. The world will keep changing whether we change or not. If we resist change we will only regress.

    We shy away from change because it is too risky or uncomfortable. Forget comfort. Being uncomfortable is a fact of life. Get used to it. Sometimes change overwhelms us and feels too hard.

    Types of change:

    1.) All- or - nothing change: These are the changes that you have to go all in. For example, having a child. You can't exactly take steps to having a child. You have to go all in with it.

    2.) Habit change: Replace a habit. In Charles Duhigg's, The Power of Habit, he states that you cannot eliminate a habit but only replace it. That actually gives it less power to me. Instead of sleeping late, think to yourself "Instead of sleeping late, I will replace this with waking up early." Even if you're trying to quit smoking, "Instead of smoking a cigarette when I go outside, I choose to replace it with just walking to my car and go about my day." See how that gives the habit less power? You're not trying to eliminate but choosing to replace. We can't give up habits. Habits are as much apart of human nature as breathing. Just replace the bad habits with good habits. Be mindful of that.

    3.) Trying- something- new change: Change involves new experiences. Studies show that new experiences actually produce more memories and make you life feel like its longer. It basically expands the film reel of your life. How many times do you remember you basic drive to work 100 times? Only once, Would you remember if you saw a semi truck hit a motorcycle? Of course you would. In fact, you'd brag about that.

    4.) Behavioral change: What we are trying to do here at NoFap. All of us Heirs struggle daily with our no PMO behavior change.

    5.) Emotional change: Examine your thoughts. See if they contribute to any negative emotions.

    6.) Cognitive change: There may be ways in which you want to change your thinking as well. Perhaps you want to live in the present more and stop dwelling in the past?

    5 Stages of Change:

    1.) Precontemplation: This is knowing deep down you need to change but haven't admitted it to yourself. For years, I told myself I didn't have a problem with PMO and didn't need to change. Deep down I knew I needed too. It wasn't until I had an episode with my girlfriend that it was time for my life to change.
    2.) Comtemplation: This is when you're thinking about changing. You weigh the pros and cons out.
    3.) Preparation: You've decided to change and now need an attack plan. If you want to eat healthy, you put healthy food in your house and prepare meals accordingly.
    4.) Action: This is when you start doing. This is where the magic happens.
    5.) Maintenance: The hardest step of them all. Maintaining. We think that if we go to the gym once, we're good now. We're never out of the woods. Us heirs, are in a constant battle with our internal demons and we keep them down. It gets easier over time but its never over.


    What do you fear about change? Do you need to be backed into a corner before you take action? The fear that drove me into NoFap was ruining my relationship with my girlfriend.

    We associate change with discomfort. STOP THAT. Associate change with greatness. The only path to greatness is through change. We sometimes grief over the change of something in our life and that's natural. Don't stay stagnate to avoid the grief. You will never get through the process if you don't change.

    Are you scared of change? Change can be scary because it's an unknown. Unknowns are the most feared things in human nature.
    What problems do we experience when we shy away from change?

    1.) Staying away from change often equals getting stuck in a rut. Do you feel like you're in a rut? You're in a state of paralysis and can't do anything about it. This happens to all of us all the time. I will quote Thoreau again on the "quiet desperation." We're depressed because we don't change. We don't change because we're depressed. See this endless cycle.

    2.) You won't learn anything new. The world will change, with or without you. Either you get on the ship of glory or you stand there any watch it sail away. Some ships will be gone forever, however, life has many ships to offer. Choose the next one.

    3.) Your life may not get better. How will you live the life that you've imagined if you stay the same?

    4.) You won't challenge yourself to develop healthier habits.

    5.) Other people will outgrow you. If you're married or have a significant other think to yourself, "they will change, with or without me. I can't stop them from changing." You either grow with them or away from them. Choose to change with them. When couples change together it creates bonds better than you can imagine.

    6.) The longer you wait, the harder it gets. It's as easy as that. You rationalize that quitting PMO will be easier tomorrow. You're delusional. There is no day that's easier to do it than today. Start today and accept the changes.

    Do you shy away from change?
    -You tend to justify a bad habit by convincing yourself what you're doing isn't "that bad."
    -You experience a lot of anxiety about changes in your routine.
    -Even when you're in a bad situation, you worry that making a change mike make things worse.
    -Tell yourself that it will work.
    Create a plan for success. You can do it. Start writing in a journal to track the change. Establish accountability and monitor your process.
    Understand your "why"
    Why do you want to change? What's the driving force for you to change and become the man you want to be? Are you changing for just change sake? What is your end game and goal you're striving for? Here's a quote from Bruce Lee at the end. Remember: Don't shy away from change fellow Heirs, we WILL beat this.

    And be water my friend.

  5. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 4: They Don't Focus On Things They Can't Control

    Control. It's makes us feel safe and secure. We want to have control in almost all situations but we almost never do. Control is only an illusion. The only person you can control is yourself. Understand that some situations you cannot control, no matter how much effort you put into it. We would all like to think that we can control everything but we have a very limited amount of things that are in our control. We can control our actions but we can't control other people. We can choose how we deal with everything and make the best out of it. The point of these posts for all you heirs is to put this into perspective. So when you are confronted with these situations you will understand what to do.

    Ask yourself these things:

    -Do you spend a lot of time and energy trying to prevent bad things from happening?
    -Do you invest energy wishing people would change?
    -Do you think you can fix everything in a tough situation?
    -Do you believe the outcome of ANY situation is based on how much effort you exert?
    -Do you assume that good luck has nothing to do with success? It's up to you to determine your future.
    -Do others accuse you of being a control freak?
    -Do you struggle to delegate tasks to others because you don't feel they'll do it right?
    -Do you struggle to let go even when you recognize you can't control the situation?
    -Are you uncomfortable asking for help?
    -Are you poor with teams?
    -Do people not trust you?

    We can't make all of our circumstances. You sometimes get a bad hand in life an you have to utilize the cards you've been given. You can get a 7/2 off-suit and still win the pot with guts and a little luck. You just have to play it right. Don't fold because you feel like you don't have a controlling hand. Stay with it. You never know what will happen.
    Trying to control everything is a subconscious way to manage our anxiety. Instead of managing the anxiety in our head we try to control the environment. Become aware of your anxieties and you will be able to loosen your want for control. We can develop a superhero complex by wanting to control everything.

    Remind yourself constantly about what you can and can't control:

    -You can host a good party but you can't control whether people have fun.
    -You can give your child tools to be successful but you can't make them a good student.
    -You can be the best at your job but you can't make your boss recognize your work.
    -You can sell a great produce but you can't dictate who buys it.
    -You can be the smartest person in the room but you can't dictate who will follow your advice.
    -You can have the most positive attitude in the world, but you can't make a terminal diagnosis disappear.
    -You can control what you're doing but not your competitor.


    Write down all of your fears. How much control do you have over the situation? What can you control in the situation, what can't you control? When you notice yourself trying to control something you can't, ask yourself, what am I so afraid of?


    Keep a sharp focus on what you can control and keep it at that. Focus hard on those things and let go of what you can control. By focusing on what you can control, it is much easier to let go of worrying about what you can't.


    Have you ever had a friend or family member that was doing what you consider "self destructive behavior?" It's hard to sit back and watch without getting naggy and angry. Don't beg them to change. You can't. You can't control them. Here are some things you can do instead:

    1.) Listen first, speak second. Other people are less defensive when they feel like you've taken the time to listen. Why do you ever get defensive when someone tries to control you? Because you feel like they're not listening.
    2.) Share your opinions and concerns, but only once. Repeating your unease over and over again won't make your words any more effective. In fact, it can backfire.
    3.) Change your behavior. When has it ever worked to dump an alcoholics booze down the drain or burn someones porn collection that you don't want to look at porn? Never, it never works. In fact, it probably makes them want to PMO and drink more.
    4.) Point out the positive. If someone is genuinely starting to change. Be positive to them. Tell them they're doing a good job. If a fellow heir falls of the wagon, don't bash them. Support them to get back on the wagon and they'll conquer their demons.


    How do you practice acceptance? You understand that there are things out of your control. In the serenity prayer there is one line that is about understanding what you can and cannot control. Recovering alcoholics practice this every day. And they forgive themselves for everything that happened in the past. You can't control the past anymore. What's done is done. Let it go and move on. Only the present is under your control.

    Think of when you're stuck in traffic. You think to yourself, "these people need to get out of MY way. It's ridiculous that there's so much traffic in the middle of the afternoon." That's just ridiculous to think this way. Like YOU'RE the center of the world. Like everything should revolve around you. Contrast to that, there's the guy next to him jamming to music and enjoying the time in the car because he understands he can't control it. He might as well enjoy his time.

    Even if you don't like the situation you're in, you can choose to accept it. You can accept you have to wait and enjoy the time you have to yourself. You can accept that your boss is mean or that your mother doesn't approve of your lifestyle or that your kids may not be high achievers. That doesn't mean you can't influence them. Just don't try to control them.


    Remember that scene in Fight Club where Tyler Durden tells the narrator to just let go of the steering wheel of the car? You have to give up, it's the only way you're going to have near life experiences. It all connects with my first post about not feeling sorry for yourself. When you hold on so tightly to control and it doesn't work out, you start to feel sorry for yourself.

    When you stop trying to control every aspect of your life you have more time and energy to do so many more things that you can control.

    Here are some benefits to giving up control:

    -Increased happiness: Recognize your limitations and do the best you can with them.
    -Better relationships: People who let go of control are much less likely to have toxic jealousy in relationships. You will view your friends and significant other in a more accepting way. You won't be nearly that critical about them.
    -Less stress: When you stop carrying the weight of the world, guaranteed you'll feel less stressed.
    -New opportunities: You'll stop focusing on all the stupid things you can't control and create opportunities in what you can.
    -More success: Obviously success will follow. All of your energy and attention will be on what you want.
  6. NobleKid

    NobleKid Fapstronaut

    wow, today was that day, when i just feel down on what people say. This helped me , thanks
  7. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    I'm glad to help @NobleKid . More posts to come as I've been reading the book.
  8. Way to go Heir of the Sun!
  9. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Absolutely awesome post. I knew all of the stuff literally from tons of other self help books, but I didn't mind reading them all again, it reaffirmed all of it even better. Hope this post helps other people, because it sure helped me :)
    SunDrew likes this.
  10. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    @fapequalsdeath That's the whole point of me doing these posts. Many people don't have time to read the books or sometimes don't understand them to the point they want too. Writing these not only helps me comprehend it and make it more applicable to my life but I hope it helps others understand what they can do.
  11. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 5: They Don't Worry About Pleasing Everyone

    Have you ever considered yourself a people pleaser? Because I sure have. I want other people to like me. Sometimes I'll do things for people and tell myself that I expect nothing in return but that's a lie. I subconsciously want them to do me a favor sometime in the future and that's not fair to them. Why should they be held accountable for something that they don't even know what they're accountable for?

    Are you a people pleaser?

    -Do you feel responsible for how others feel?
    -Does the thought of others being mad at you make you feel uncomfortable?
    -Are you a pushover?
    -Do you always agree with people instead of making your own opinion?
    -Do you apologize even when you don't think you did something wrong?
    -Do you always try to avoid conflict?
    -You don't tell people when you're offended or your feelings are hurt
    -Do you always say yes when people ask for favors?
    -Do you change your behavior because of what others think?
    -Do you put a lot of energy into impressing others?
    -If you're at a party and people aren't enjoying themselves, you feel responsible.
    -You never want anyone to think you're selfish.
    -You are often overscheduled and overburdened.


    We want to develop a reputation that we are nice people who try to help. However, when you think about it, people pleasing is quite a selfish because it's all based off of this selfish want to please people. You do it to make YOU feel secure. We can fear conflict and confrontation. It can be uncomfortable. Fearing conflict we think, If I can make everyone happy, everything will be okay. However, you're denying the most important person in your life, yourself. When a people pleaser sees a car driving fast behind them they speed up because they think that guy maybe in a hurry and don't want to make him slow down, despite you going slightly above the speed limit.

    They thrive on praise and reassurance. This behavior can be highly learned. Children of alcoholics, for example, often grow up to be people pleasers because that was the best way to deal with a parent's unpredictable behavior. My father was an alcoholic but was sober for about 15 years before he passed away. I never experienced this behavior. My mother is not a people pleaser by any means. She says no to baby sitting for her grandchild all the time. Not because she's trying to be a b*tch but she knows that she can't handle the responsiblity of doing that all the time. She's only the emergency baby sitter for my brother and sister-in-law. The both respect that as well.

    Pleasing others becomes a sense of self worth. Even in the bible it says, "treat your neighbor as yourself," not better than yourself. Most spiritual guidance encourages us to be bold enough to live to OUR values, even when it displeases others.


    Have you ever invited someone to something out of courtesy? Even if you really didn't want to invite them. That's a people pleasing technique. You're giving up your control in the situation and giving it to others. If you don't want he/she to go to a party, don't invite them. Don't invite people with the hope they will decline.


    Most of us wrongly assume that people-pleasing behavior is generous. It can actually be quite self-centered. When you think about it, people pleasers assume that they have the power to control how others feel. You do it because it makes you feel like you have some power over everyone. People pleasers will soon build resentment to others and damage relationships. People pleasers don't project themselves onto others. They project what they want others to see. They want to be liked. They're not authentic. Have you ever gone on a date where you wanted the person to like you SO badly that you basically would just go along with whatever they say? People can intuitively tell that you're not authentic on an unconscious level. There are some body signals that you can't fake.

    No person wants to go date a shell of a person who does whatever they say. We look for partners, not lackeys. Honestly, I find it very attractive when a girl I'm dating stands up for herself. It turns me on when she disagrees with me. Now if she disagreed with everything, I would get annoyed. But when she is authentic and just tells me how it is, it turns me on. My girlfriend right now always gives me sh*t when I say something that probably would offend other girls. She doesn't take it seriously but she always gives crap for it. That's one of the little things I love about her.

    It's impossible to make everyone in your life happy. Only they can make themselves happy, the same way that only you can make yourself happy. Have you ever met someone who plays martyr all the time? They say things like, "I do everything around here," "If I don't do it, no one will." Martyrs risk becoming angry, bitter people, as their attempts to make others comes back and destroys their relationships.

    People pleasers often hold back from reaching their true potential because they don't want others to feel bad that they outcompeted them. I used to have this happen to myself all the time. Growing in high school and even in college, I was a people pleaser. I just wanted people to like me. In high school football, I used to hold myself back on the field from reaching my potential so I didn't make others resent me. Even though I still ended up become a starter and team captain by my senior year, I felt like my freshman and sophomore year I didn't reach my potential. I was afraid of greatness. I was making myself small so others could feel secure around me. That doesn't work. I didn't speak up in some situations that I wanted to. I should have. I could have been an even better player than I was. I could have made our team even better. Even though we went to state, and eventually lost. I could have made the team better and been more of a leader than I was if I spoke up.

    The popular choice isn't always the right choice.


    People pleasing can become a habit. You say yes to everything, you're "Yes Man" now.

    Whenever you say yes to something you're saying NO to something else. Remember that. There is always a yin and a yang. You can't always have all yin, or all yang. Whenever there's a push, there's a pull. When you say yes to PMO, you say no to reading a book, talking to a friend, etc. Same goes vice verse. There is a yes AND a no with every single decision you make. If there is one thing to take away from this post it's that.

    The housing market crashed because of people pleasers. Big bankers wanted to capitalize and get a lot of revenue. Everyone else wanted to please them so they said yes to please their bosses. The stock market is run by people pleasers. Shareholders are perhaps the worst of them all. If a CEO is a people pleaser, he listens to shareholders and not his/her guts. Many of the crisises that have happened were because of people pleasers. Don't be one of them.

    When Craigslist started, the CEO, Jim Buckmaster decided not to advertise or charge users to use the service. Critics were bashing him like crazy. Calling him an anti-capitalist and a "social anarchist." Instead of listening to them he continued to run Craigslist the way he wanted too. Simple and clean. Craigslist survived the dotcom crash and now is worth $5 billion. Buckmaster knew what he wanted the service to be. He didn't let anyone else tell him so.

    Remember these truths about people pleasing:
    -Worrying about trying to please everyone is a waste of time.
    -People pleasers are easily manipulated.
    -It's okay for other people to feel angry or disappointed.
    -You CAN'T please everyone. Seriously it's impossible to please everyone. IMPOSSIBLE.

    Evaluate what you want in life. If you don't know, it maybe because you just want to be told what to do.


    Being assertive doesn't have to be scary. In fact, it can be liberating. It can improve relationships and make your life better. You don't have to be demanding and rude. Remember to always just say how you feel. Address the person, "I feel this way" instead of the second person and saying, "you do this to me all the time."


    One of the biggest regrest of most dying people is that they were not more authentic with their lives.

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
    -Marianne Williamson

    Rhys0, jokerskill, I Free I and 3 others like this.
  12. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 6: They Don't Fear Taking Calculated Risks

    Do you fear taking risks? Of course you do. Many of us do. Risks can be difficult sometimes. Here are some signs that you avoid risks:

    -You struggle to make important decisions in your life

    -You spend a lot of time daydreaming about what you'd like to do, but you don't take any action
    -Sometimes you impulsively make a decision because thinking about the decision is just too anxiety provoking
    -You think you can be doing a lot more adventurous and exciting things in your life but your fear holds you back

    -When risk taking pops up in your head, you only imagine the worst case scenario
    -Others make many decisions for you so you don't have to make them
    -You base decision levels on fear
    -You think outcomes are luck dependent

    Why do we avoid risks?

    We get into a mindset about all the worst things that can happen when you take a risk. You start to think about what if I go bankrupt or risk my whole future. It's an irrational mindset that stops us from making a rational decision. I want to be a writer, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to quit my day job and throw everything I've worked for away to do it. Find a balance, where the risk is still good.

    To calculate risk, we must predict what the probability of a positive or negative outcome are. When doing that we then will understand if it is too risky to take that chance. Sometimes we avoid taking the action on an idea all together. Why would you want to do that? Sometimes you have to think beyond the risk of not doing something. What are the emotional risks that this will have on you? Is that worth it? It's hard to predict how you will feel but often we don't think about this. It's tough to take risks but the pain of regret can be hard.


    That's right you read that. You can't go through life on the safe side and be extraordinary. It's not possible. Emotion interferes with making logical choices. As we should have fear about some things in our lives like stepping into traffic, driving 120 mph on a residential street, etc. Fear is what stops us from being stupid. Fear can be a good thing as much as a bad thing when it is in excess. Too little fear and you'll be reckless, too much fear and you'll never even venture out into the world.

    Think about someone who is a germaphobe. They live their entire lives in fear. They take drastic precautions. They've let their fear run wild and control them. The irony is, trying to keep a clean and sterile environment actually makes things worse. It makes their immune system weaker and the germs stronger. They've allowed themselves to be a slave to their fear. What a sad life.

    Many people are terrified to fly in airplanes. That fear usually stems from lack of control. The pilot is in control and they're not. The odds of dying in a car crash 5000 to 1. Odds of dying in a plane crash 11 million to 1. It's a fear of not having control.

    Most research shows that we are horrible at calculating risks. Many decisions are based on complete irrationality:

    -We incorrectly judge how much control we have over a situation. We're more likely to take a risk when we feel the situation is under our control. It's like people who always have to be the driver in the car.

    -We overcompensate when safeguards are in place. When there is a safety net we are much more likely to take a risky bet. Think about the banks. If the government bails them out whenever they take a big risk, what is the risk to them? (Don't mean to get political)

    -We are influenced by out superstitious beliefs. Some people just think they're luck and others think they're unlucky.

    -We grow comfortable with familiarity. Of course. Why would you want to change? It's easy to not change, so it seems...

    Ask yourself these questions:

    -What are the potential costs?
    -What are the potential benefits?
    -How will this help me achieve my goal?
    -What are the alternatives?
    -How good would it be if the best case scenario came true?
    -What is the worst thing that could happen and how could I reduce the risk that will occur?
    -How bad would it be if the worst case scenario did come true?
    -How much will this decision matter in five years?


    Prior to his death in 2007, Psychology Today named Albert Ellis the "greatest living psychologist." Ellis was known for teaching people how to challenge their self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. He didn't just teach these principles, he also lived them. As a young man, Ellis was incredibly shy and he feared talking to women. He was terrified of getting rejected, so he avoided ever asking a woman out on a date. He eventually realized that rejection wasn't the worst thing and decided to face his fears.

    He went to the local botanical garden every day for a month. Whenever he saw a woman sitting by herself on a bench, he sat next to her. He forced himself to start up a conversation within a minute of sitting down. In that month, he found 130 opportunities to speak with women and of those 130, 30 women go up and walked away as soon as he sat down. However, he started conversations with the rest. Out of 100 women he invited on a date, one said yes- however, she didn't show up. But Ellis didn't despair. Instead, it reinforced to him that he could tolerate taking risks when he feared rejections.

    By facing his fears, Ellis realized that there are so many irrational thoughts that happen because of fear. What's the fear? Is that woman going to shame him forever for talking to her? No of course not, that's juvenile. Even if she does, it won't last long.


    Get out and do something that you fear. I challenge you to do that. Heirs, get out and work hard. Strive for excellence. Ask someone out on a date even if you fear it. You'll realize there wasn't much to fear at all.
    Rhys0, jokerskill, I Free I and 3 others like this.
  13. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 7: They Don't Dwell on the Past

    Do you live in the past? The past has a special romance to it, doesn't it? We regard the past as a golden era and see the future as decay. Why is this? This is because we don't want to move forward. There is some regard of the past being better because it was a time before we were battling our demons, it was a time before bad things happened to us, it was a time before we had to fight for a better future. We think going into the past will automatically make for a better future but little do we realize that we're hanging onto the decay. The future is the golden era because it's unknown, the past is decay because it already has.

    However, the only way to fully create a golden era of a future is to live in the present. Making the present the best it is now is the only way to lead up to a great future. As I said in my signature, time is like crossing a river on stepping stones. You must look ahead every once in a while to see what direction you're going in but not for too long because you may miss a step. One stone maybe slightly underwater with a strong current brushing over it. You must be ready for that step, if you are not ready, you are surely to slip. Never look back or you'll never cross. Keep forward one step at a time with the occasional glance forward.

    With all that being said, we need our past to have a full timeline of our lives. If we didn't learn from the past, every experience would be seem new. The string of our lives is created because of a past we build. Sometimes we screw up, but we need to move forward and not dwell in it.

    Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

    -You wish you could press rewind, so you could redo portions of your life. (Like never start porn)
    -You struggle with major regrets about your past
    -You spend a lot of time wondering how life would have turned out if you had chosen a different path.
    -You sometimes feel like the best days of life are behind you
    -You replay past memories in your mind like a scene from a movie over and over again
    -You sometimes imagine saying or doing something differently in past memories and try to create a new outcome
    -You punish yourself or convince yourself you don't deserve to be happy
    -You feel ashamed of the past
    -When you make a mistake, it repeats constantly in your head
    -You think about all the thinks you "should have" or "could have" done differently

    Self reflection can be healthy, but dwelling is self destructive. This prevents you from enjoying the present and planning the future. It is like anything else, in excess, is bad.


    The fear of moving forward makes us want to stay stuck in the past. Its some internal way of procrastinating. We have this inert fear that makes us want to stay in the same place. The world keeps moving regardless if you do or don't.

    Have you ever lost a loved one? Because I have. I lost one of my best friends and father within a month of each other when I was in high school. I've seen myself be stuck in the past quite often. I'm writing a memoir right now and I feel like I can't move on until I write the memoir. It wasn't until we put my dog down, I saw my mother do something amazing. The second we got home from the vet after putting my dog down my mother threw everything that was my dogs. My dogs beds, water bowl, treats, everything. She wanted to move on as quickly as possible because she knew if she didn't, it would cause her to dwell. I only have a few things of my fathers like a ring and a watch. None of his clothes fit me, so why keep them? Why keep everything other than a few things?

    We all will seize to exist some day. In a million years, probably everything we've written or done will be forgotten. Death will eventually get all of us. Even in the memories of others. However, our actions are what last forever. Our impact on the universe is what lasts forever. Memories fade, actions last forever in a butterfly effect of the universe. Even in a million years, Steve Jobs will be forgotten but his actions will impact humanity forever. We're all a speck in the length of time. Don't dwell in the past because it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. All that does matter is what we DO and how we impact the world around us. Forget trying to leave a legacy because it will all eventually be forgotten long after we're gone. Leave an impact on this universe.


    Have you ever seen that old high school quarterback who still wears his varsity jacket? Or that old prom queen who still has that as her best accomplishments? We romanticize the past as a way to escape present problems. For example, if you're not happy in your current relationship or if you're not in a relationship you may spend lots of time thinking about your past loves. Perhaps you wished your last relationships would've worked. You think of those 'good old days.' This is what you tell yourself: "If only I'd married my old girlfriend/boyfriend, I'd still be happy." "If I hadn't dropped out of college, I'd have my dream job." "If I didn't agree to move to a new city, I'd have a good life." Here's the truth: You have no idea what your life would be like if you had not made those choices. It's a false sense of control. You think that if you could go in the past, you would know the outcome. That's completely false. You might have a horrible marriage, a job you hate, and you may wish you would've moved.

    Dwelling in the past can put you into an existential crisis. I know because I'm the king of this. The truth is, I exaggerate how great things were. They were just like things are today, if not today is better. I'm a much smarter and wiser person than the person I was in the past. Dwelling in the past leads to depression. When you feel sad, you bring up more and more past memories of when you weren't sad. This is a vicious cycle and is hard to break.


    Schedule time to think about a past event. This is why meditating is so essential and also journaling. When something is on my mind, I utilize my journaling and meditating time to let my thoughts flow through me and get them out. It helps so much and is amazing.

    Give yourself something else to think about. Try to shift your thinking onto something that is better. We let our thinking get out of control sometimes but a little awareness goes a long way.

    Establish goals for the future. It's impossible to dwell in the past when thinking about the future. Make goals and have action steps to how to complete them. You'll be amazed on how good you feel.

    Memories are not often great at what they do, to remember things. We often blow things out of proportion or think things were worse than they were. It helps us justify why we are living in the past. Think about the facts more than how you feel. Think about the lessons you've learned. Look at the situation differently.

    Don't be Peter Pan and try to live in Neverland. Peter Pan's the ultimate protagonist who lives in the past. Even though Neverland never changes, the world outside Neverland does. Peter Pan never wanted to have the grief and hardships of adulthood but that's apart of life. There are also great things that come with progress. There's a trade off in everything in life.

    The pain and agony of the future is a trade off with the possibilities and greatness that lies ahead.
    Rhys0, jokerskill, I Free I and 3 others like this.
  14. oliverKharanger

    oliverKharanger Fapstronaut

    great post brother
  15. Dalton10s

    Dalton10s Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the post bro, a lot of gold in that text!
  16. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 8: They Don't Make The Same Mistakes Over and Over

    Do you make the same mistakes over and over again? I do this all the time. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Whether it's skipping that workout, trying to use that same stupid pick up line, etc. Here are some ways to know if you make the same mistakes over and over:

    - You often find yourself stuck at the same point when you're trying to reach a goal
    - When you encounter an obstacle, you don't invest much looking for new ways to over come it.
    - You find it hard to break bad habits and keep falling into your old ways
    - You don't invest much time analyzing why you're failing to reach your goals
    - You get mad at yourself because you can't get rid of those habits.
    - You often say, "I'll never do that again," only to find yourself doing it again
    - Sometimes it feels like it takes too much effort to learn new ways to do things.
    - You often feel frustrated by lack of discipline
    - Your motivation to do things differently disappears as soon as you begin to feel uncomfortable or upset

    I know many of these points nail me hard. The only thing I'd say I often do on the list is analyze why things aren't working. However, implementing action is the hardest step. Planning is potential energy waiting to be used. Action is the kinetic energy that actually matters. The potential energy is yours to use but if you don't use it, it WILL find another way out and seep away without you even knowing it.

    Have you ever made a mistake in life? Are you afraid of making mistakes? Of course you are. Mistakes are scary and make us feel stupid. However, studies have shown that when you give things a try, make mistakes and learn from it, you actually learn the material better. How about that? Making mistakes is a good thing if you learn. Pride is the reason why we have trouble admitting to our mistakes.

    How do we avoid this?

    - Learn what your coping mechanisms are when you're stressed. This could be alcohol when you're stressed. Replace those poor habits with some kind of habit that is reflective like taking a walk or calling a friend.

    - Identify your warning signs that you're heading down the wrong path again.

    - Practice tolerating discomfort. Whether this is that urge to call an ex who isn't good for you or trying to reach for a sweet that will blow your diet, practice tolerating discomfort in every aspect of your life. Discipline is important. People try to convince themselves that if they "give in JUST this once" it will help. However, research shows otherwise. REMEMBER THIS. Each time you give in you reduce your self-control.

    - Use positive self-talk. Have an affirmation for yourself. This is the affirmation I tell myself every day before I go to the gym: I am not just training my body but also my mind. I train to become physically strong AND mentally strong. Do all your workouts right and don't waste time between sets. Go 100% on every workout because it will help you go 100% in every aspect of life.


    Remember heirs, learning from your mistakes is incredibly important. You must forgive yourself of all your errors and move on. Learn from your errors and fulfill yourself. Don't give in. Don't rationalize any of it. There is no rationalizing. Discipline is important in life. They not only keep us happy, but keep us strong. Having the power to say no is empowering. People who only seek pleasure, have their pleasure blunted and it will not be useful. Just like a sword that is used to much will soon be dull. You must work to resharpen it. Resharpen your sword heirs and once it's sharpened to its fullest, use it well.
  17. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 9: They Don't Resent Other People's Success

    Have you ever saw someone with something nice and thought, "I deserve that more than they do?" Or something like that? Jealousy occasionally can be normal. Resentment, however, is unhealthy. Sometimes you will blame others for your like of success because seeing their success raises your standard of living, so you work more and exhaust yourself.

    Do you do any of these?

    - You compare your wealth, your status to people around you.
    - You feel envious of people who can afford nicer possessions than yourself.
    - It's difficult for you to listen to other people share their success stories.
    - You think you deserve more recognition for your accomplishments.
    - You worry that other people perceive you as a loser.
    - It sometimes feels like no matter how hard you try, everyone else is more successful
    - You feel disgust, rather than joy, toward people who are able to achieve their dream.
    - It's hard to be around people who make more money than you do.
    - You feel embarrassed by your lack of success.
    - You sometimes imply to others that you're doing better than you actually are.
    - You secretly experience joy when a successful person encounters misfortune.

    Here's my story with this:
    I know for a fact that I've exhibited some of these in my life. I'm never resented others for their success but I've often felt embarrassed about the lack of success that I've had. I have a couple friends right out of college that got great jobs for Boeing and they're having success climbing up the corporate ladder. I don't wish anything bad of them at all. I hope that my friend becomes an executive someday. That would be awesome to be friends with someone that is successful like that. I wish all the success in the world for my friends because it honestly is awesome to know people who are über successful.

    With that being said, it sometimes makes me feel inferior. When I got out of college, I worked at Starbucks for two years. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I hardly hunted for jobs and was depressed about working any others jobs that would essentially "trap" me into the corporate life. For a while, I was told by an older friend (who's an executive at a corporation) that I would be getting hired by him but it was going to take a while to get everything through for it. That gave my mind a rational reason to not job hunt. I stopped caring because I was getting by working at Starbucks. However, I wasn't doing what I wanted with my life. I felt like a loser. I had a bachelors degree and I was working as a barista at Starbucks. Like what did I go to college for? I got a degree in business because it was the degree I should get. That's the problem. I was doing what I "should" do. Not what I want to do.

    With this time I was at Starbucks I discovered my passion for writing. When I was in college, I discovered my passion for theatre and acting. Telling stories is something I love to do. I have dozens of interests. I love studying religion, story structure, philosophy, reading fiction, healthy, biology, you name it. Writing gives me the chance to live all those lives that I can't live. It allows me to be that biologist. Let's me real, I would never actually want to be that for a career. I love learning about the field though. There are many things I have interests in that I would never want as a career but I have a passion in the field.

    I love acting because it allows me to live the life of someone else. Similar to writing, I get to live my characters story. I get to be someone else. No matter how lame they may seem in the script, it's up to me to make them a person. I'm going to audition for a community theatre show in January and get back on the acting horse. I'm going to finish the book I'm writing and it's going to be published because it's what I'm passionate about. I'm not half-assing this. I know this is what I'm supposed to do. I'm not meant to climb the corporate ladder. I don't care about that. I need to stop pretending that I care about that. My friends may make more money than me now, but are they happier? Perhaps, perhaps not. I'm becoming happier today and continue to strive towards that. I'm no longer going to look at porn. Porn is not only a waste of time, it's also a demotivated for life. Porn takes away one of the main drives we have as living creatures and that's our sex drive. It hijacks our humanity and one of our animalistic functions.

    When we overlook the fact that most people invest a lot of time, money and effort into their success we start to resent them. It's easy to look at a professional athlete and say, "I wish I could do that." But do you really? Do you wish that you got up and worked out like twelve hours a day. That's insane. Most professional athletes are slightly above average athletic people who workout insanely hard. Most of them eat super strict diets. Have you ever read Tom Brady's off season routine? It's insane. The dude won't even drink a cocktail when he's in training in March! These people are mad. If you want to be that successful you have to get that crazy. Most of these super successful people are nuts. You probably don't want their life. You just want their money. You want a shortcut to their success but guess what? They didn't take short cuts. We all look for hacks today for success when really there is no hack. Hacking causes us to not work hard. It keeps us in that 'efficiency paranoia' stage that we can find a short cut to success. There is no short cut for success. Even if you inherit a billion dollars, that doesn't necessarily make you successful. Find your definition of success.

    Here's the problems resenting others success can cause:

    1. You'll stop focusing on your own path to success.

    2. You'll never be content with what you have.

    3. You'll overlook your skills and talents. You will spend time wishing others talent was less than yours. However, bringing someone down doesn't bring you up. As the Tao says, "A person of the Tao spends time elevating others."

    4. You may abandon your values.

    5. You may damage relationships.

    6. You may begin tooting your own horn. You may begin to lie and try to one up other people's accomplishments. This can be damaging to relationships and is not flattering. This comes off as desperate.

    Focus on yourself, don't focus on other people. While others can help you become successful, hurting others will not. Making a coworker look bad so you can get that promotion over them isn't going to change the fact that they are more qualified for the job than yourself. Elevate yourself. If you truly care about your workplace you will elevate all of your workers and become a true leader. People respect a true leader. In the long run, it will help you.

    Change your thoughts, change your life:

    - Avoid comparing yourself to other people.

    - Develop an awareness of your stereotypes.

    - Stop emphasizing your weaknesses.

    - Quit magnifying other people's strengths. They're human beings. Resentment often derives from an exaggeration of how great others are.

    - Don't insult other people's accomplishments.

    - Stop trying to determine what's fair. Life sometimes isn't fair.

    - DO NOT see other people in your life as competitors. See them as companions. If you eliminate competition you will be liberated from the shackles of the judgment of others.

    Surround yourself with people who are successful and don't be resentful of out. Being around successful people can be motivating, inspiring and you may gain information that may help you along the way. This is the way. Elevate everyone. Elevating others builds friendships and can help you out.

    Create your own definition of success. I don't see money as success personally. Others may disagree. Some people see life as a game like monopoly and whoever has the most money wins until they die. I personally think this is a sad view of life. It's lonely and isolating to be in a game by yourself. I think life is about relationships with others and building something that you're proud of. What I build and refine everyday is my writing. I practice my rituals. Statistics show that after making about $50k a year, money and happiness have no correlation. Think about every spiritual figure throughout history. None of them were rich. Even the ones that were, gave it up. History has more respect for someone like a Buddha or Christ than the wealthiest King. Why is this? Because they built relationships. They were a person built for others. They didn't compete with anyone or viciously attack others, trying to push everyone down. They elevated others and doing so, they elevated themselves.

    Rhys0, jokerskill, I Free I and 2 others like this.
  18. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 10: They Don't Give Up After The First Failure

    Do you sometimes quit after failing initially? I'm assuming most of you don't because you are on this website. Many of us had lapsed multiple times and we keep trying. Sometimes we can't even make it past a week. I know the stress of trying can be difficult. For me, personally, it is in my nature to keep trying. I never quit until I fail miserably. If I think I can do something, I will keep trying to do it. I tell myself that I am going to work out every morning. Even after I've failed for week to months at a time, I still keep my eyes focused on the goal that I want to accomplish. I will never stop trying to be the person I want to be. Do any of these points resonate with you?

    - You worry about being perceived as a failure by other people
    - You only like to participate in things where you're likely to excel.
    - If your first attempt at something doesn't work out well, you're not likely to try again.
    - You believe the most successful people were born with natural talent to succeed.
    - There are plenty of things that you don't think you could ever learn to do, no matter how hard you try.
    - Much of your self- worth is linked to your ability to succeed.
    - The thought of failing feels very unsettling.
    - You tend to make excuses for your failure.
    - You would rather show off the skills you already have than try to learn new skills.

    Failure doesn't have to be an end. In fact, the attitude of people of success is to treat failure as a beginning to a long journey of success. My sexual failures with being able to get it up was my failure to getting onto NoFap. I haven't looked at porn for about 23 days now. It's been a great feeling. I'm taking cold showers daily, I've been on a better road to success. Each brick has been laid carefully and slowly. My foundation will be strong. I'm now focusing back on my physical fitness now and eating healthy. I've fallen off the healthy wagon for the last 4 months. I'm 10 lbs heavier than I normally am. That's alarming to me. Another failure that I'm learning from.


    There are many reasons we give up. One of those reasons being fear. Many of us have different fears however. Some of those fears maybe disappointing our parents. Some fear that they are too fragile to handle a setback. Many associate failure with shame.

    We start to make excuses for our failures. We say "we're not naturally talented at that" and we focus on other things. This is a losers mindset. Excuses are for chumps. Instead of saying you're not good at something, say to yourself "I gave it my all and I still failed" don't lie to yourself. Did you give it your all?

    I know in high school if I did poorly on a test, I would hide the scores from my parents. Hell, I'd even hide bad test scores from friends in college because I was ashamed of it. I think I was ashamed that I know I didn't give my best effort. I didn't study for the tests or do any of that. I had a bad attitude about academia. It's amazing that I ended up graduating college with a B average. My attitude toward studying and working hard in school was awful. I never studied for any tests. I did better in my harder classes than easier ones because I worked when I felt a challenge.

    This WILL NOT define who I am!

    The famous author James Patterson was turned down by 31 publishers when he wrote his first book. He didn't give up. He loved writing. He didn't look at it as 31 publishers didn't think he shouldn't write. He looked at it as 31 publishers are wrong.


    So many people give up because they don't think they have the "God given" talent to do something. That's nonsense. Out of all the successful people in this world, I bet most of them work insanely hard to get there. They weren't just born with natural abilities. How many times do you hear about kids with IQ's of 180 and then 10-20 years later they disappear? This happens often. In fact, after about 130 IQ, there isn't any correlation between income and IQ. Those people all work hard to get where they are at. We are all human beings, we are all 99.99999% genetically similar. To say that they have 'the talent' is preposterous. If you're an average human being, you're blessed. You have the ability to reach far and beyond. It's up to YOU to use it.

    Giving up after the first failure can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Each time you quit, you reinforce the idea that failure is bad, which will prevent you from trying again.

    Here's what research says about perseverance and failure:

    - Deliberate practice is more important than natural talent.

    - Grit is a better predictor of success than IQ.

    - Attributing failure to a lack of ability leads to learned helplessness.


    If you get used to failing it becomes a lot easier. There have been many people in this psychological mindset. Greet a stranger every day. Just randomly talk to them. If they're mean and don't want to talk, that's their problem not yours.

    Learn from your failures and adjust your attack plan accordingly. Doing the same thing over and over again won't help. It's like me practicing the same songs on guitar over and over. I'm NOT getting better at guitar. I'm not stretching myself. If I was failing at playing some chords and notes I would be learning. That's how the mind learns. The mind learns by failure and eventually will compensate to succeed.

  19. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 11: They Don't Fear Alone Time

    Do you ever lie awake in bed for hours with thoughts running through your head? I have. Many a time I lie awake in bed wondering how am I going to fall asleep. My mind gets obsessed on my past day and keeps reinforcing those thoughts. Why does my mind do this? Because I don't give my brain any time to process things during the day. This is why meditation is critical to my day. Even though I spend a majority of my day alone, I don't allow myself to be alone. Sometimes my mind will just be racing all day about things that are useless. I keep my mind occupied almost 100% of the time. My mind is not really alone. It still has its books, television, podcasts, etc. I rationalize living this constant go, go, go life of consuming because I don't want to 'waste time.' That's what I tell myself. Unwinding time is important for efficiency. It's like using a computer that hasn't been defragmented in 20 years. You could either spend a little time defragmenting it and wait patiently or you can keep using it constantly even though its slow and bogged down.


    Spending alone time isn't a priority for most of us. For many, being alone doesn't even sound appealing. Do any of these points describe you?

    - When you have spare time, the last thing you'd likely do is just sit and think.
    - You think spending time by yourself is boring.
    - You like to keep the TV or a radio on for background noise when you're doing things around the house.
    - You feel uncomfortable with silence.
    - You equate being alone with feeling lonely.
    - You would never enjoy doing activities such as going to the movies or a concert by yourself.
    - You'd feel too guilty to do anything by yourself.
    - When you have a few spare minutes in a waiting room or in between tasks, you're likely to make a phone call, send a text message, or use social media.
    - While driving in the car by yourself, you usually keep the radio on or you talk on the phone to keep yourself entertained.
    - Writing in a journal or meditating seems like a waste of time.
    - You don't have time or opportunity for solitude.

    After reading this in the book, I was astonished about all the things that resonate with myself. I used to think I enjoyed being alone because I love to journal and meditate (even though I haven't had a steady meditation habit during my life). I constantly listen to podcasts in the car. I am always on social media when waiting, reading a book or listening to music.

    From an evolution perspective, being alone is an essential part of our existence. During our hunter-gatherer days, we didn't have social media, phones, radio, television to keep us connected to humanity constantly. We are constantly fed information without a change to process it. I'm not certain of this but I bet our brain puts some kind of association with input of information with communication. It's kind of like how porn is fake sex. It's a dopamine rush but it doesn't have all the other chemicals. I bet social media, radio, television do all the same things for us when communicating. It doesn't give us the same feedback as we would actually interacting with someone in real time. I know that this is a hard thing for all of us here at NoFap. We don't want to spend time alone due to fear of relapsing. We have to face that fear eventually. In fact, spending time alone may strengthen us, not weaken. We become weak from the scattered mind and all the stress. That's when we relapse.


    Solitude throughout history has many powerful figures that support it. Especially in religions- Jesus, Muhammad, and Buddha were all described as appreciating solitude. This is why meditating maybe the new superpower. American society today has labeled people of solitude as hermits and they become the extremes like the 'crazy cat lady.' In solitary confinement, people who are alone for too long go mad, so being along must make you go mad right? WRONG! That's an extreme circumstance. If you were constantly around people 24/7/365 I'm sure that you would eventually lose you cool. Extreme solitude isn't healthy, but it is healthy in moderation. It's another thing in society that labels as one extreme as bad, so the other extreme must be good. Lao Tzu said this 3,000 years ago and it still rings true today. Too much water is bad for you, but water is great for you and essential for life.

    A balance in life is essential.

    People think that keeping an overbooked calendar makes them feel important. The more phone calls you have, the more plans you have, the more important you must be. I'm sure you know people who seem to always be busy. They want to 'fit you in' on their calendar. They think they're so important. I honestly can't stand those types of people. I feel bad for them in a way because they have no balance. They maybe grieving a loved one that is lost but they keep distracting themselves with shopping, television, etc. They're just afraid to deal with their problems. Don't be a wuss! It'll all eventually come bursting out, many times people have nervous breakdowns or panic attacks.

    Staying busy serves as a wonderful distraction. If you don't want to address any problems in your life, stay 'busy.' Being alone often gets confused for being lonely. Feeling loneliness have been linked to poor sleep, high blood pressure, weaker immune systems and increased stress hormones. Being alone does not equal being lonely. In fact, many people feel lonely when they're surrounded by others in a crowded room. I know this is true. I've felt this way at packed bars before. Loneliness is about perceiving that no one is there for you. Solitude is bout making a choice to be alone with your thoughts.


    Many times people will fill their days with constant activity. Then they can't shut their brain off at night and have trouble sleeping. So the more racing thoughts they experience, the more they try to drown them out with activities. See this perpetuating cycle? Benefits of solitude are often overlooked in today's world.

    - Moderate alone time is good for kids.
    - Solitude at the office can increase productivity
    - Alone time may increase empathy.
    - Spending time alone sparks creativity.
    - Solitary skills are good for mental health.
    - Solitude offers restoration.

    Remember, we need to exhale. Our mind cannot constantly inhale. It must exhale equally. There's a reason why people are constantly stressed today and much of it has to do with our culture. In Japan, some people drop dead of exhaustion. Their hearts just stop. It's called Karoshi. The stress literally kills their body and mind. Stealing it's will to live.

    I'm not nearly this extreme but I do spend lots of time thinking about the things I need to get done. I try to find tasks to do and if I'm not fixated on a task, I fear forgetting about it, despite writing it down. I have trouble letting things go. I spend my days rushing and looking at my to do list. I will obsessively look at my calendar, looking at the next task, even though the task at hand has not been completed. I end up getting nothing done.


    I need to spend more time staying in the moment. Enjoy things like brushing my teeth, taking my cold shower, exercising, meditating, writing, etc. I just need to stay focused on what I'm doing and be aware of when my mind is wandering off. I'm thinking I need to schedule my meditation time during the day. This will be my technology free period. Shut off everything and just be with myself for about 30 minutes to 1 hour a day.

    Use alone time for the following:

    -Reflect on your goals.
    -Pay attention to your feelings.
    -Set goals for the future.
    -Write in a journal.
    -Turn off the TV when you're not actually watching it.
    -Ride in the car without the radio or music playing.
    -Go for a walk without your cell phone. (I have strong opinions about this one. People will rationalize, "what if I NEED my cell phone or what if I get attacked!?" This is the same demon part of our minds that rationalize to PMO. Fight it off. These are ridiculous reasons. I lose a lot of respect for people who say these types of things. Try to notice in your life the people who have trouble disconnecting. Do they seem to get addicted more easily than others? Do they like instant gratification?

    I will write a post about meditation in the cold shower coalition later on because it talks about Wim Hof. The Ice-man. Heirs, I hope you all utilize these words well. Don't be afraid to be alone!. Praise the sun!
    jokerskill, I Free I, Kman20 and 4 others like this.
  20. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Number 12: They Don't Feel The World Owes Them Anything

    This maybe my favorite one thus far. How often do you think to yourself that "I deserve this" or "I should have this?" I exhibit this in myself all the time, honestly. After reading this, I am much more self aware of this negative trait that I have. We start to become the center of the universe when we feel the world owes us something. I've honestly exhibited seemingly selfless behavior to others in the past but have always had the intention of them owing me something bad. Like keeping score in life. This is a dangerous thing to do and can often leave you frustrated.

    Do you respond positively to any of the points below?

    - You think you perform better than average at most tasks, like driving or interacting with other people
    - You're more likely to talk your way out of problems rather than accept the consequences.
    - You believe you were born to be successful. (Totally me)
    - you think your self- worth is tied to your material wealth.
    - You believe you deserve to be happy. (Me again)
    - You think you've dealt with your share of problems in life and it's your turn to have good things happen to you.
    - You enjoy talking about yourself more than hearing about other people
    - You think you're smart enough to succeed without having to work hard.
    - You sometimes buy things you can't afford but justify it by telling yourself that you're worth it.
    - You consider yourself an expert in many things.

    Now I exhibit many of these and have tons of negative traits from past posts. This post in particular really hits home for me. Self awareness is the first step to solving your problems. Thing about how many people think the world owes them something. Celebrities that don't follow the law or that "affluenza" teen that we've heard about in the news. He was so coddled his who life and entitled that he claimed he didn't know right from wrong. This post maybe the most important one to us millennials that have been called "Generation Me." It ends with us as the individual. I can feel that our generation needs leaders desperately in our young stages. The right leaders need to step up or the wrong ones will.


    Have you ever had a coworker that was new but within like a month after they start to get the hang of their job they feel like they know everything? That person feels entitled. In Jean Twenge's books, Generation Me and The Narcissism Epidemic she discovered that younger generations have an increased desire for material wealth and a decreased desire to work. This frustrates me so much about our generation. How do you think you move up in this world? These are some of the reasons that this has happened:
    - The focus on helping kids develop self-esteem has gone overboard. Even when I was a kid we were told that we were great at something even though we weren't. All it does is make our ego more fragile and even the slightest of negative feedback will shatter us. This is part of the reason for the "micro aggression" epidemic and "safe rooms" at colleges. It's repercussions of these wimps that we have developed.
    - Overindulgent parenting prevents children from learning how to accept responsibility for their behavior. How often do you hear about parents yelling at teachers and coaches for not giving their kid a good grade or putting them in? Well maybe it's because their kid sucks. Helicopter parents are becoming insane and in doing so they are teaching their kids to never take responsibility for a poor performance. It's always someone else's fault. This begins the victim culture.
    - Social media fuels mistaken beliefs about self importance. I honestly hardly ever post things on social media. I don't know why people constantly do. Do you have respect for the person who 24/7 posts their whole life on FaceBook? I don't. I unfollow them and they probably will never hear of me again.


    Remember when you get negative feedback don't just say to yourself, "that persons stupid." Change the language in your mind. That feedback is their point of view. Maybe they're just being an a**hole. That happens sometimes but the world is full of them and you have to deal with it.


    You are not special. You are not a unique snowflake. Your problems are not unique. (Yes I just quoted Fight Club a little bit)

    There are many people who just believe that good things will come their way but they do nothing about it. It's like they think some Deity is on their side and will grant them the life they deserve at any moment. I've been horribly lazy in the past year. I've felt this way. I've felt that if I just let something fall into my lap and I got this everything would work itself out. It doesn't work that way. I'm the only one that can work things out. Getting a new job isn't going to make your life magical all of the sudden. It can be a step but you have to work for it. I always felt that if I just had a nice computer (that I deserve of course) I would be able to write my memoir in no time. Even though I have the tools now (iPad and a keyboard). I don't need anything else to write. It's a privilege to have what I have, even though it's not as good as many peoples things. I still have a better means of writing than 99% of the writers in world history.

    In this chapter of the book, I was reading a story about Wilma Rudolph. Wilma was diagnosed with polio at the age of 9 in 1940. She was forced to wear leg braces and needed special shoes all the way up until she was about 12 or 13. Then she start to get involved in sports. Do you know what happened? Wilma became an Olympic runner and set world records. She became known as the fastest woman alive. She also, most likely, dealt with a lot of racism being black in the 1960's. This woman had polio, dealt with racism and still became an Olympic runner. She worked for it. Did she feel victimized or did she feel the world owed her anything? No.

    Remember these things:

    - Life isn't meant to be fair.
    - Your problems aren't unique.
    - You have choices in how you respond to disappointments.
    - You aren't more deserving.


    Well heirs, this one may have been the most important one to me thus far. I used to never consider myself entitled until I read this. I know I'm not as extreme as some people are but in a sense I have had (past tense) a sense of entitlement. This is no more. I'm much more self aware of this now and will start working at eliminating this. People who feel the world owes them something keep scores in friendships, believe they are always lucky and things will work out. Honestly, being entitled is giving up your own personal control. You feel that the world will just work itself out for you. No, I want to work myself out for the world. I will prove to the world and work hard at it. If nothing comes of it, so be it. At least I tried. I would love to be a writer someday. However, if that never happens the world owes me nothing.

    The world doesn't owe me a published book. I have to earn it. I have to work at it. There are scenarios in this world where people do get screwed. Where things just aren't fair but that's life. That's how it goes. The world isn't fair. Some people get more preferential treatment than others. There's nothing we can do about that. What we can do is work hard and overcome our obstacles. What's amazing is the person that has to deal with more obstacles in life and is still successful. Those people are the true winners and the ones who are hungry to reach to that level. No one respects the entitled person who just got a fortune handed to them. Maybe this is why there are so many celebrities I despise because they embody entitlement today. You may feel that you deserve better than they do (and you may) but the world doesn't owe you anything. One more post after this heirs, and then I will have a conclusion post afterwards. I hope you are growing as I am along this journey.
    jokerskill, Kman20, I Free I and 3 others like this.

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