Things to Learn from Someone Else's Relapse

Hi guys,

So today I relapsed (MO), but without P. I was on day 50 and here are things that I want you guys to learn from my experience so you can either read this in the face of a relapse and know you're not alone or avoid getting to that place to begin with.

1. Was it effective as a stress relief method?

I personally began M due to high stress and the consequence of acting out only led me to greater stress accompanied by feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame. It was not pleasureable, not even with O and I didn't get what I was expecting from it. In the acting out I was not ridden of stress as I hoped. I did not take particular joy from it and even while in the process of it, I was thinking about why I shouldn't but a sex addiction is very complicated and results in irrational behaviour and compulsions. It is important to learn from your relapses to better understand them. This will help you have longer streaks and be more content not masturbating.

I've also been experiencing the 'Chaser Effect' as a result with more urges that are stronger than usual. This is the description of the Chaser Effect from NoFap's Getting Started resource:
'The Chaser Effect is a period of significantly increased urges that potentially can follow an orgasm during a Reboot. People may encounter the Chaser Effect after having sex, masturbating - whether to porn or not - or even having a wet dream. The Chaser Effect is common, so there is no need for worry if you encounter it. However it often creates some difficulty for Rebooters who plan on orgasming during their reboot, or Rebooters who have relapsed and are trying to restart their reboot.'


2. Relapse in a Relationship

A unique factor of guilt can arise from the position of rebooting during a relationship. I understand that the news of a restart would be very upsetting for my significant other and I love her dearly so this filled me with anxiety, stress and guilt. Partners often struggle greatly to come to terms with their partner's sex addiction so it is important to be understanding if you are in a position where you have to communicate information like this.
Note: I am not an expert on accountability relationships and I advise you to seek further advice on this topic through the NoFap forums and through calm discussion with your partner.

Try to allow your relationship to be motivational for you and therefore, interact with your partner in a way that is healthy and not a factor of stress as becoming angry with each other and avoiding calm strategies for discussion can lead back around to relapse.

We're all just trying to cope with life, long enough to reproduce, discover our purpose and find contentment. As porn/sex addicts, we've developed PMO as a way to cope with life: Our anxieties, fears, hard times, uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and a whole plethora of internalised stresses. When we bring these internal factors to the surface we can better understand our addiction. But for the affected partner, they may be coping through anger. Anger is a very powerful emotion and intended for very quick decision-making. Anger has a purpose and is a normal part of living, however, to successfully recover (on both sides) calmer discussion is required. The emotional well-being of both the addict and partner is important and neither should be disregarded. Your partner will need support in this difficult time. Guide your partner to support outside of the relationship as it can be difficult to work this through while you're both trying to fight your own battles. Counselling support could be beneficial, engagement with online resources, objective scientific research, coping tools for anger, stress and depression and anything you can think of. Get into the mindset of 'Problem, solution' instead of getting stuck on a problem.


3. Physiological observations

Because it had been so long without regular M and I personally do not have any problems with Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED) I reached climax very quickly - less than a minute. This meant I did not have a lot of time to change my mind about what I was doing and bear in mind that because you may be seemingly hypersensitive or have gone for significantly longer period of time than what you're used to, your body will be quick to release. If you do suffer with PIED, this quick release may not be so easily achieved and in that way, can allow you to take the time to realise what you're doing. And remember, the way to overcome PIED is to resist engagement with destructive behaviour and trust that you'll be getting better while you continue with your life.

It's best to avoid being in the position of M altogether because this is simultaneously the closest point to O and hardest point to back away from. In this place, the brain's thought processes and decision making skills are impaired as the reward centre of the brain and emotional centre take control away from you in logical decision-making.
Note: This section is simplified for brevity. Further reading on the psychology of urges and sex/porn addiction can be found in reources at the end of this post. Notably 'Your Brain on Porn' and NoFap's 'Getting Started' resource.

The sensation was not what I expected either. It wasn't pleasant as I expected. The sensation could almost be described as painful although it didn't hurt. It was very mild and not sharp pain, more to do with the feeling of pressure. It had been so long without ejactulation that it felt very "built-up" and I think you'll understand what I mean when I say that. I don't want to dive too deep into reasoning for the sensation as I am not a doctor in any sense and am weary of misinforming people. I didn't take joy in the act.

Just keep in mind that even on a physical level, M may not be satisfying in any way for you. And don't forget the negative effects of engaging with the behaviour during recovery.


4. Understanding Relapse

Relapse/Restart is common when trying to abstain from the behaviours of sex addiction. Understanding this may be beneficial for you in your recovery in dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, failure etc.. However, it is important to note that you shouldn't use the commonness of relapse as an excuse to allow yourself to engage with behaviour that is damaging for you. If you feel like this is something you do then it is okay to recognise that now and make a positive change. This is a safe environment where you will not be judged for your struggles.

A relapse does not make you a bad person or a failure or weak. A relapse is bad, but you are not a relapse. You're a person trying to heal and that is very admirable. Try to move away from telling yourself negative things to degrade yourself as shame is likely to lead you around to the place you don't want to be: at the cusp of a relapse. It's important to recognise the good things you are doing and take pride in doing them as you will then feel more energised to engage with positive behaviour which feels a lot better than purely trying to disengage with negative behaviour.


5. Moving Forwards

After a relapse it's important to keep moving forwards. Don't let this be the point you stop trying and remember that all of your work up to this point has not been for nothing. All that hard work is still there. A relapse does slow down recovery but that doesn't mean recovery is over. This will take as long as it takes and as long as you stay committed, you can know that you will get the life you want.

Let this be a learning experience. Ask yourself productive questions such as:
Why did I act out?
What can I do to avoid that trigger/manage that trigger/cope with that trigger?
What do I need to keep in mind the next time urges come back?
How do I avoid urges in the first place?
These kinds of questions are productive and look to help you keep learning on this journey of recovery.

Keep engaging with online support and researching addiction. Don't give up on yourself.


6. Resources, Reading Material & Support

• NoFap's 'Getting Started with NoFap' resource - https://www.nofap.com/getting-started/
• Your Brain on Porn's research section - https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/research-articles-and-abstracts
• Cure The Craving run by Tony Litster - http://curethecraving.com/
• Universal Man YouTube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6gyVlwXwtqkn4KLjx3nDHg
• Affair Recovery YouTube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeneINV1yWUhjo1xCjz099Q
• Your own research! Engage with your own desire for understanding and knowledge on sex/porn addiction. YouTube is a fantastic resource for educational content in all formats from TedTalks to quicker, more generalised videos by pop-science channels like AsapSCIENCE.

I hope some people find this useful! If you have any feedback on other things you would have liked me to talk about or offer guidance on feel free to let me know and I'll try to be of help.

Note: I am not a doctor. If you experience desire to self-harm or have distressing thoughts of suicide it is imperative that you seek professional support. Your life matters. If you are concerned about certain phsyiological symptoms that cause you distress then I would recommend you seek medical advice.

Good luck everyone. You've got this,

S