Thinking of porn while having sex. Solutions?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by lunarlanding91, Dec 21, 2020.

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  1. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    I've been 112 days clean from porn and masturbation. But I have a dilemma and it's making me feel frustrated.

    My porn memories are fading. That's good news. I amassed an encyclopedia of porn knowledge over countless hours of porn and edging. The inability to recall a particular porn star's name with their face or remember the details of a particular scene is a victory to me. It's proof that my brain is rewiring.

    But my brain does NOT like it. I find myself actively trying to recall specific memories, as if to keep them from slipping away.

    This wouldn't be much of a problem if it was random. I'm pretty good with random thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges. I've learned to accept them and let it go away on its own time. No struggle, no problem.

    The issue I'm having is that I am relying on recalling porn to get an erection and cum while having sex with my wife. Since those memories are fading, this is not a seamless process as it once was. I also feel guilt and shame when I'm doing it.

    I'm a little surprised because this feels like a regression to me. Earlier on in my streak, I would have no problem having sex with my wife without the slightest thought of porn. It wasn't 100% of the time but definitely a majority.

    Is it because we are having sex almost every day? Am I getting bored? Do I need the extra stimulation and eroticism of a porn memory?

    Maybe it's because I've been getting hand jobs in the past two weeks or so because she has been on her period. Usually it's one at the beginning of the night, then one somewhere between 2-4 am when my boner wakes me up. Maybe I'm getting used to recalling porn just to cum quickly.

    I'm seeking help from anyone who can offer insights or resources about this issue. It's really occupying me at the moment -- I'm liable to seek out Internet porn to reinforce my memories if I don't address this issue head-on.

    Thanks,
    L.L.91
     
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  2. bama_lost

    bama_lost Fapstronaut

    Wish I had some kind of insight to offer, but I'm really just getting started in this reboot. I would say don't give in. 112 days is commendable. I was just reading the NoFap quick guide this morning about the addiction's effects of this nature. It got me worrying about what I might face in light of ED. It's too early for me in the process, and there's no place of safety/trust between my wife and I right now where sex is even on the table. But I think about if I'm able to make it to 112 days - and if I'm lucky enough to have been able to repair things in our marriage to where we might be intimate - if I might face similar problems. Again, I say hold tight. Work through it. Don't give in.
     
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  3. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Having sex every day may not be the best way to get your brain to stop thinking about other sex acts you viewed many times over.

    Does your wife know that you've quit porn and struggled? If yes, and you find yourself having trouble getting an erection, it's probably best long term to just admit it, slow down, and not think about porn to get a boner instead of mentally relapsing just to be able to have sex.
     
  4. dig deep

    dig deep Fapstronaut

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    I think the reason for your erection problems is your having too many orgasms and your body needs more rest in between orgasms, having sex every day seems like your having sex for the sake of having sex rather that being genuinely aroused. Try having sex 1 or 2 times a week to see if that improves things.
     
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  5. Henr2020

    Henr2020 Fapstronaut

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    Thank i was having the same problem
     
  6. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

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    did you get to your 112 days on hard mode or were abstaining only from porn and masturbation? If it was only PM, then I suggest you go on hard mode. The same thing happened to me, I managed to go 5 months without PM, but I was allowing sex. I ended up having lots of sex to mitigate the porn and masturbation cravings that I was having.

    Hard mode will teach your brain to control your libido, and it is definitely a therapy to learn how to control your thoughts.
     
  7. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your encouragement man. I do believe that I have to work through it and not give in. If I do, I'll probably lose my 100+ days sooner or later. Mental relapses create the conditions for a physical relapse.

    Stay strong,
    L.L.91
     
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  8. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    Your reply helped me much more than you probably know. "Mental relapse" describes everything that I'm facing right now. I never heard of that until you said it. I've been having sex because I'm afraid that I'll relapse if I don't -- but I think I'm going overkill. You're exactly right that I'm mentally relapsing just to be able to have sex. That's the source of my problem.

    Stay strong,
    L.L.91
     
  9. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    I think you're exactly right man. I'm going to try to have less sex and focus on quality more than quantity. Thanks!!

    Stay strong,
    L.L.91
     
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  10. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    Yeah, it's PM only. I wouldn't be able to go full on hard mode (bc of my wife and her needs as well) but I'm going to slow things down, have more quality sex or "quantity sex," and simultaneously work on understanding the triggers, causes and consequences of my mental relapses.

    Thanks for your help man.

    Stay strong,
    L.L.91
     
  11. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Having sex to avoid porn is not a long term strategy. What happens if she's sick, or you're on a business trip, etc?

    It's like an alcoholic drinking soda or smoking cigarettes to avoid beer - it only works until you run out of the substitute.

    As a married guy, I get that wives have needs and such. But if this is something you really want to quit, it's best to really look inward and be honest with her about it instead of trying to white knuckle out a a day here and there and USING your wife as a porn substitute.
     
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  12. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    Did I say having sex to avoid porn is my long term strategy? Or did I say the opposite?
     
  13. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Apologies - was just trying to add on that your post was on the right track in my opinion. was trying to agree.
     
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  14. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    Oh got it, man. Sorry I misunderstood. We're cool :)
     
  15. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

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    As we age, sometimes it may take a couple of days to recover after orgasm to have our best boners. Sex everyday may be a bit much for the underlying equipment.

    With respect to the issue of thinking about porn, I try to think about what my wife offers that porn cannot.

    I can feel her warm body against mine. I can smell her perfume. Her nipples get hard and she gets wet all because of me. When she talks sexy, she says my name. I feel a sense of accomplishment when she orgasms. I can focus on her eyes and her lips. I can kiss her neck and her back and she melts for me.

    I get much harder thinking about making love to my wife than I get when I think about porn.
     
  16. fmustang1981

    fmustang1981 Fapstronaut

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    I never thought of that.
     

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