This addiction is ruining me.. Plz help? :(

Hi everyone. I'm a 28 year old male christian so this addiction to PMO is particularly a brutal one for me because there is that guilt and shame. How ever even before I was a christian I fully recognized the destructive and damaging affects of this addiction. The moment I came and the rush was over i was left feeling absolutely miserable. i have always worn my heart on my sleeve and i think thats why the guilt succumbs me so powerfully. it takes over my mind where i cant really concentrate on anything else. and during conversation I'm completely filled with self consciousness and fear and i cant even carry on a conversation very well. with this addiction i find I'm also very very lazy. I'm un able to even leave my room alot of the time and my room is usually a horrible mess. i even have a hard time doing simple things like showering which should be automatic habits. (that part is very embarrassing to share openly but i want more than anything in the world to defeat this addiction and so i wanna be entirely honest with who i am and what I'm about so hopefully some one out there can help me defeat this.)

I am so utterly jealous and determined when i read success stories. I can just hear the joy in these guys who have conquered their bodies and their urges. these men walk taller, have more confidence, are more social, develop solid wonderful habits, re organize their lives so that they live a life of purpose and joy and countless other benefits. I want this more than anything in the world guys... I have tasted the good life but its always fleeting. the longest i have EVER gone without PMO was 2 weeks. 14 days. i kept track on my calendar on my phone and i have no idea how i got there cause sense then i have never gone more than 6 days. I feel so ashamed and so weak and so hopeless when i inevitably stumble. its so painful for me because during those days when i resist i feel so wonderful. I have more confidence, I'm so clear headed and i find talking easier. ( that probably doesn't make sense but i mean since i think clearly i talk more clearly) I don't know. i just love that version of me and yet no matter how much i love being that person, all though i don't want to, i always fap and ruin everything and plummet right back down to the bottom. down into a pit of despair and loss and hopelessness.

I just so want to defeat this but it seems truly impossible. my body is just so weak. I hate it. I am so aware of all the negative affects of PMO. i'm fully aware that it ruins relationships down the road, that you are for want of a better word a zombie. your just not your full potential at all and its a very destructive addiction and even though i know this full and well i end up having to fap! its like in that moment when i'm turned on the rational part of my brain just shuts off and i just don't care about anything but getting that feeling of cumming. ugh... I just hate it u guys. And I'm at the end of my ropes. i'm so angry at myself for being so weak and pathetic. I know not everyone out there is christian but i hope you would respect that i am and this part that I'm about to share. I feel like when i stay away from PMO I feel the spirit more strongly and i feel closer to god and just full of light joy and hope. when i stumble (fap and cum) i ruin that progress. that's another reason why this is sooo very painful and hard to bare.

I have never in my life joined any kind of forum or posted any thing on line but through my desperate research, which has been for months now, i stumbled upon NoFap on youtube and discovered that guys who are christian and non christian alike are trying to end this activity! that was mind blowing. i had no idea there were so many others who have had negative affects from this activity of fapping! And then to top things off i found that there were men out there just like me who some how defeated it! who have gone 90 days or even a year or more without PMO! I read an article recently from a guy who owned a porn website and was an actor in the videos as well and made so much money how ever he closed down the website and changed his life because he felt so miserable and had so many debilitating addictions which stemmed from that life style. porn desensitized him from normal sex. he said during the film some times he couldn't even get it up with the porn star right there. but then later on he would fap to a video of that same porn star! its because through the computer screen we invision the women to be something that they arent. when he saw these porn stars off camera and saw the real them, he was turned off cause they werent the sex goddesses that they are portrayed as.

he said he's shocked at the transformation from when they first show up to the shoot to how the make up artists transform them. many of these girls don't like most of the stuff they do in the films and do it just cause they are desperate for money. many of them hate wearing high heels. they don't take care of their nails and don't care what their hair looks like. many of these women are abused or drug addicts and the list goes on. as he realized these things it ruined his fantasy so he couldn't even get hard. plus masturbating with your hand is much rougher so in time many guys cant even cum without that roughness that they're used to. I've experienced this myself when trying to have sex with women a few times. where i just cant stay hard. In fact i cant stay hard at all with condoms. i ruled out condoms a long time ago cause its just impossible for me. and man look how dangerous that is! I always had to use the pull out method which isnt safe! I dont wanna be a dad! I'm sooo soo lucky that i never got any of those girls of my past prego.

So see porn right there could have ruined my life. made it so i cant where condoms. omg. the list goes on u guys. im sorry. this post is not well formulated. i guess i am just baring my soul and it doesnt have a good structure but i hope u guys will bare with me cause i just have to get this all out... All though i am very bad with hygene habits and have a messy room and just have very little to offer i am some how engaged to an incredibly beautiful woman who is the love of my life. i feel like she was hand crafted and delivered to me by God and she's a true mirrical and I'm the luckiest man in the world to have her. I'm shocked every day when i think about it because she could have any one. she makes much more money than me and is just a beautiful person in every way. The most amazing part is that she some how sees right through every one of my many flaws! she's patient with me and totally accepts that im lazy and dirty and probably stinky.. I have shared my problem with PMO with her and she is patient with that as well. she doesnt hate me for being an addicted loser or anything. I thank God for her every day. She's the love of my life.

the reason i bring her up how ever is since i will be marrying her in 3 short months i really don't wanna damage our sex life! And i know porn and masturbation has been well known to do that. I've read many stories of guys who are so addicted to porn and to their hand that they cant even stay hard during sex. Their entire desire becomes warped and they no longer even want their wife sexually. they want porn instead. Omg what a night mare! I never want it to get to that point! My fiancee has a very high sex drive and i would hate to hurt her by denying her in that way! She deserves the world and i cant let anything come between us. Its one of the reasons i'm so desperate to defeat this once and for all! ugh.. i just wanna be free of this disgusting addiction so i can live and grow in the beautiful empowering spirit of the lord and live a long happy loving fulfilling joyous life with my amazing wife. K so what i have tried so far and what has failed. I have heard meditation is good? I'm planning to try that by the way. I have 2 accountability partners. my friend and my fiancee said i can text or call them any time i am tempted. the problem is the moment i'm tempted i forget that i dont wanna do it. well more like i dont care. i don't wanna stop myself because the desire is so over whelming. so i have yet to ever call an accountability partner when i'm tempted. in fact i have never fought the urge before. when ever it comes i cant help but give in. How do the guys who have succeeded defeat this first huge hurdle? anyway this is way too long. for anyone who read the entire thing thank you. and ANY tips or advice to help me in the hardest struggle of my life would be so very much appreciated. Have a great day everyone! thank you again!