This Guy Has Me Very Conflicted--help?

Doesn't have to be, but if you want to give a girl sincere opinions, you might aswell want to know what the guy is like and who's to blame, if you just take her side of the party, you are not helping her, you are enabling her bad habits. So it's not about being in a court or whatever you are trying to frame it into, it's simply to give feedback which is helpful. Both are human beings, both can be seduced, get in love and do stupid things, he does not have to be manipulative to give her good chemistry.

 

I think maybe Craigslist.

 

Never said anyone is to blame. Simply stated in my comment and will re-state in this one that it's the older party's responsibility to not be seduced by youth or to take advantage of it and that this is why there are laws to protect underage girls, and it's also why I mentioned the complexities of "Lolita." TO explain again since you missed it, in the novel, Humbert blames Lolita while letting the reader know in subtle ways that's he's 100% responsible for following his dick around and taking advantage of the situation. If he is older, he is the manipulator. Why are you defending him? He said he wanted to fuck her underage, that's something he gets off on.

I will also re-state that chemistry for the very young isn't the same as adult chemistry. You are vulnerable to fall in love with anyone who pays you attention, even if you are playing with your sexual power, and I'll say again, that young women get drunk on the interest of someone more mature who should know better. Pedophiles will try to say that a 5 year old consented to sexual activity because they didn't know better and because their body responded to sexual touching in a positive way. Breaking the bad habits of falling for an inappropriate crush is a lifelong battle for young women. And I will restate this third point since you missed it the first time round, her youth exonerates her of the responsblity here. He should know better as the adult party.

 

Well, the difference between me and you is, I would never go full-hearted on a story that is briefly explained, the fact that she just admitted openly on this forum that she lied about her age could just have swapped this guy into confusion and driven him into a state where he would never have been wanting to go in the first place. What I am saying and what you are missing is, I don't neglect the fact that youth have a virgin mentality which makes them vulnerable, but you have to see it from both perspectives if you want to give good inputs and honestly, despite some reasonable arguments, you draw assumptions which makes your whole point fall, that is simply my opinion.

Manipulative just simply due to him being older and she younger? I don't think that's a fair statement

 

I think that is indicative of your age. And don't worry, it's was the way I thought then too, and because I had some self worth issues, I didn't really get until late in my 20's.

Here is a thought exercise for you. You have a friend who has diabetes. You know if he eats even one cookie he will get loopy and prone to do stupid stuff, but it's followed by the chance he might die. Suddenly you're eating lunch with him, and he starts giggling and joking about how funny it would be if he tore off all his clothes and ran around the place naked in public. Do you egg him on, and say 'yeah, that would totally be funny.' knowing that it would get him made fun of. Do you look around to figure out if there is sugar in something you ate? Do you try to get him is blood sugar test? Do you just walk away and ignore him.

Here is the result of that, if you knew that he suffers from a condition that is harmful, and leaves him prone to a bad choices, and you egg him on because you think it would be funny to see him make an ass of him self. (That makes you the manipulator/enabler in this situation). If you care for his condition, and know how it can be serious, then you would need to step up and see that he is taken care of as bound by being his friend.

Back to Jae's situation.

Yes she initiated. Yes she knew what she wanted ('sexting'), and the guy at the other end didn't know that she was young. So far, nothing wrong has happened.

When the story turns different, is when she has to tell him she is 13/14, and he backs up off of it, and then comes back and says (That's alright). By the nature that she is that young, she can't truly know what she wants. My kids were still playing with pokemon, and mindcraft at that age. She might feel needs, but she is vulnerable to the fact that the needs might be just attention, or even if it is sex, she lacks the defensive mechanisms to allow her to choose carefully what kinds of sex she wants. The gap in age doesn't give her enough power to say confidently 'get off of me', 'stop', 'take me home'. Being vulnerable, due to her age is what makes the difference. The guy promising or even trying to tempt her into something that she already has hard time understanding, makes him the one wrong. (Sorry, it is an age thing.)

Here is another thought exercise.... (I kind of love making these up).
You are on a NoFap reboot, yes? Suddenly a girl you like comes over to your house with stacks of porn DVD's. She sits in your living room, and you tell her you can't because you want your reboot to work, and your sexual ability isn't in a place that is healthy right now, and its tempting, but you still want to wait. She says 'fine, you don't have to watch, but I'm going to sit here and see each and everyone. Go do what you want, but your reboot doesn't mean anything to me.' If her watching there in the room triggers you, and you give up and watch with her..... do you see her as without fault? She knew your vulnerability, and still leveraged it to get you to do what she wanted. It was your choice ultimately, but does that make her innocent?

These are the differences. You won't know that intuitively because your 18. It wasn't until I became a dad that I started to understand it. (But I was a dad a 24).

Let me ask this, would you think it's cool for a 30 year old to pound on your 13 year old sister? Even if she started the conversation?

 

Look man, you don't understand what I am saying or you don't want to understand. I don't say he is or he is not a manipulator, I am saying that neitiher you or me know this guy to draw this assumption. And yes you are correct, younger brains have a tendency to get manipulated due to being inexperienced about this, but she already explained that she lied about her age and that could have caught the guy up in a bad mentality which he would not have gotten into in the first place, that is what I am saying. And if you want to act like a wise man on the forums without respecting that a human being can be weak in different scenarios, then you are certainly not a person I would take advice from.

Its like a guy who sits behind his computer screen telling everyone that he will beat them up, but when reality came, he was too scared and ran away. Why? because just as in your case, you speak of ignorance and have a problem understanding that he is a man, just like you and if you were in his position, perhaps you would be no much better, why? because you neglect the fact that the human being is weak to temptation, desires, addictions and so forth. We know addiction is bad, but we still do it why? to feed what is hungry, and sometimes, one can justify things that was once unjust to feed this hunger.

You have problems comprehending what I am trying to say, the only sole thing I came into the debate saying was, how can you draw assumptions based on brief knowledge? that makes you ignorant, just saying.

And why do you ask me such a stupid question?

 

I do understand what your saying.

When I said I didn't get it until my late 20's, I meant it. I had never had a GF and was a virgin when I was 22. (Never even kissed anyone). I had gotten on chat channel, and I had talked with a local girl, that eventually turned out to be 14. I was tempted, because I was innocent (never been with anyone). I thought I could still be honorable and love her. (Now nothing ever happened between us. She just wanted the attention to be talked to). However, here is the thing.....legally, I was the manipulator. It didn't mater that at 14 she may or may not had more sexual experience than I did. It didn't matter that I wanted to date (and not just get laid). Legally, I would have been arrested had I attempted any contact with her. (Now even the conversation I had with her could have been used against me).

I also didn't get any real idea of why that was even and issue until I started having kids myself. Now I understand.

But at that moment, I didn't, but that didn't make me any less in the wrong.

I get you are trying to point out the guy could have been like me. And that 'how wrong could it be?'. We aren't questioning that of you.

 

You guys are totally barking up the wrong tree here.

My spidey senses are telling me something is off here.

Jae... come on... you're not telling us some other important details about your life. There's a reason why you're sexting guys like this isn't there. And you know it won't ever go anywhere.

Maybe it is time to deal with either something that happened in your past or your current emotional struggles/conflicts to date.

 

And?

You're missing something else...

 

To everyone else in this thread, c'mon guys how many 13 yo girls do you know who create online dating profiles posing as 19 yo girls to only attract the attention of much older men?

 

I'm sure there are more than we think.

 

Honestly, I don't know. What I do know is that it isn't any of my business why, and I really don't see the benefit of prodding a person to reveal private and personal information that isn't relevant to anything I could contribute, and may very well not even exist.

 

@Jae same here. Again, in my story, I admitted to running to them.

It's my understanding that little girls will go through a stage where they try to 'steal the attention' of their father, from their mother. (Nothing crude, or inappropriate implied). But it's a common psychological behavior where the little girl tries to get herself prioritized over Mom. Guessing there has to be a loving/supporting dad in the pic for that to happen. I've also read that the worse thing that can happen is that dad gives in and gives her more love/priority, because it can create a powerfully wrong dynamic where the little girl affirmed into thinking she can manipulate the environment to get what she wants (and that scares and compels her because she doesn't know what the limits are). I've also read that it doesn't necessarily have to be the father, it can be any male authority figure (like a school teacher), and that is equally or more damaging, because the girls begin exhibiting sexual attributes, they learn by leveraging them as a asset to be offered/traded, they can again manipulate and accomplish goals outside the pattern others would have to follow).

I haven't dated a lot so I can't really tell what is true or not, but I hear a lot of guys talk about women with 'daddy issues'. Perhaps this is what those people meant. I kinda thought it was sexist BS, because the guys I heard talk about it weren't the most compassionate people, but who knows might be something to it.

In any case, I think it's very common from my experience for young girls to want a thrill from attention, and at least when I was in my 20's, I saw them even then fishing on the internet for it. The chat channel where I met the 14 year old girl, wasn't just her. I also met other 15 and 16 year olds. (Again, this was 23 years ago, so it wasn't the popular culture that we have today on the internet). However, I had learned my lesson about waste time after talking with the 14 year old for a week. (To be precise, I knew it was wrong, but I thought "how wrong could it be, because I'm innocent") But I quickly learned that they only wanted attention. they wanted to say they had a 'guy'. But they didn't want to be 'BF and GF' and given the situation, they couldn't admit it to their parents. Nothing I did with them was sexual (sexting wasn't a thing back then (was 23 years ago), so I never receive pics. I think they were just lonely, and wanting a bit of a thrill. (I was definitely lonely).

If you think about it, why do you think women are different than guys in this? How many people have come into these forums saying they were 9,10,11,12,13 when they started looking at pics and erotica? At that age, anything they looked at was 'older' than them. We are fascinated by sex, and we are sold the idea that 'we won't be alone' if we have sex, which triggers strong desire both physically and emotionally to seek it out, well before we are ready for it.

My oldest (now 19) had sex (more than once) when he and his girlfriend were 14. I tried to stop it, and wished they had waited. (I''ve heard of guys having their first sexual experience as 12). I worry for them actually. I was a late bloomer for sure (at 23 before I was with someone), but I think under 16 is just too young.

 

There are many lonely people these days. Thanks to internet and facebook, which made us more disconnected than ever

Your strong desire for this kind of sex is in fact a sign of a huge void.
Behind this is your deep desire for secureness and being understood.

 

You don't need to justify anything, it is totally normal.

I recommend you to leave the virtual zone (Craigslist, facebook, everything), and meet people in real life. That's really important. All kind of virtual communicaton is just making you crazy and destroying your mind, believe me.

 

"To everyone else in this thread..."

Respectfully dude (and @skeptical) let's take a step back, and remember that this thread started as @Jae's personal journal entry shared in 'loneliness' because she needed our feedback/support. This isn't the proper place for an open discussion on teenage texting or sexuality. @ILoathePorn gave her some great advice and it sounds like she has the situation under control. We don't need to dive deeper or play armchair psychologist for either party.

We're not here to judge; we're here for @Jae and therefore I believe this thread has run its course.

 

No no no no no... NO.

Guys, there is cause and effect. Of course it is relevant. At moment you've all ran with the OP's account of things. She was a horny 13 year old who likes sexting much older guys???? Most of you have taken this as a given and continued to offer your feedback - If that was all there is to it most of you are spot on with your advice (except skeptical he needs to be locked up )

Ask yourself why? Why would a 13yo do that? Once you get behind the WHY's everything starts to become clear. This thread is actually no different from the reactions she gets of these guys she is sexting with. We all go ohhhh.... ahhh no don't do that. This is the cyclical destructive behaviour she is used to and attention she craves. It is basically a cry for help. [There's also a reason why her parents have caught her sexting these guys... this was no accident either]

What she really wants is somebody to figure her out, cut through the layers she hides behind, and ask her WHY is she doing this... knowing all to well it won't ever go anywhere. Somebody to end her destructive cyclic behaviour.

However, as easy as it is for me to state this, it will do no good. It is something the OP must figure out and accept.

Continue...