This is a Book That I Recommend to EVERYONE Struggling With Porn/Sexuality/Intimacy

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by _Xavier_, Jul 16, 2018.

  1. _Xavier_

    _Xavier_ Fapstronaut

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    I recommend the book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw.

    It is $7 bucks that just might help you change your life.

    Excessive shame is the driver for repressing emotional needs that you express as a "need" for pornography, drugs, alcohol, womanizing, voyeurism, self-harm, self-inflicted social and financial destruction, etc., etc. The list is endless. You can pretty much narrow down the root cause of the largest personal struggles in your life in a couple of days by reading this book.

    So far I am reading the "why" or the development of these problems and why they occur and have yet to get to the "healing" part of the book, but I must say... It is really a great book and I can't wait to get to that part. I'll update when I'm done in a day or two.

    Warning: This book is perfectly blunt. You will feel anxiety reading this book. You may be offended after reading some things this author writes. You might have some considerable regrets as a human being and what you have done while reading this book. You might want to throw this book out of your window rather than admitting fault as a parent. You might not see your relationships with your primary caregivers the same way again.

    Are you going to let the aforementioned warning stop you from achieving your goals??
     
  2. Bad_hombre

    Bad_hombre Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, thanks for the recommendation. When you finish the book let us know your thoughts. After a lot of self-analyze, I realized that shame and guilt were and are such a hold back in my life.
     
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  3. _Xavier_

    _Xavier_ Fapstronaut

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    I sympathize. It holds me back a hell of a lot too.

    The book really cuts deep. It may be that I already know some other data about child abuse and its detrimental effects, but this will really help you to understand that it is not you who fucked up or who was born "defective." There is a healthy you in there and there are a lot of layers protecting your true self (I think this is referred to as the ego) and keeping your "false self" in place. Our false selves amount to several different types of defense mechanism. They protected you during early family life and consequently became automatic, staying with you into adulthood. The second half of the book is about recognizing our false selves piece by piece and tearing it away to come closer to our whole, untainted selves.

    What I like about the book:
    • It is concise and doesn't get too scientific or high-level
    • It covers many circumstances using examples from the author's clients
    • You can test the author's ideas by thinking of the people in your life and visualize the accuracy
    • It has the statements, you can decide to believe them or not
    • It has actionable plan on undoing your false self
    • It gives you several exercises to practice on your own at home or with a group
    • It recommends outside help like a counselor or therapist
    • It kind of throws the ball back in the face of people that claim "mental illness" is a birth defect (very very rare in reality)
    • I had emotional reactions to the content. I felt more connected to myself and my past experiences.
    • It could potentially lead to a huge life improvement
    • It really helps you find your sense of hope for your future
    • It will help you mobilize yourself to get your life on track
    What I didn't like about this book:
    • Some sections that I found intriguing were only one paragraph (this could just be my false self wanting to analyze everything until I die)!
    • I had a lot of anxiety about how far back my abuse goes - meaning its going to take a lot more work :(
    • Again, not necessarily the book or author's fault here, but the earlier your false self was formed and the more severe the abuse, the more difficult it is to undo.
    • I am not a fan of the "spirituality" parts in this book. I prefer to think of it as alignment with one's values or morals. In other words one's integrity and oneness which leads to happiness and life satisfaction.
    • There is a recommendation to find a "higher power" which I see as a way of offsetting responsibility from yourself! In reality there is only you to do the work along with a support group ideally. No one moves your limbs, mouth, or mind like you do!
    • Due to the nature of the human brain, this is not a "quick fix"
    If you are having trouble taking the first few steps to recovering I recommend keeping the following quote in mind:
    "Whether or not you get what you want in life, you are going to die anyway."
    This is what I reminded myself of to go do the first step despite the great fear I had.

    There is no restart button. Go explore, learn, find, and enjoy what you want out of your life. No one can do it for you.
     
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  4. Bad_hombre

    Bad_hombre Fapstronaut

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    I had to buy this book.

    You highlighted great points. I watched a lecture by Bradshaw and what an eloquent figure he is.

    I'm familiar to many of those ideas such as the false self. I've been trying hard to free myself from the beliefs that hold me back and as he says that parents who don't love themselves are unable to transmit a healthy sense of love to their children I immediate deduce that I don't love myself properly. Another interesting thing is that he says that addiction is a byproduct of a shame-based personality not coincidently I'm a porn addict.

    Yes, It's definitely not a quick fix. Looking back I've been for more than 1 year actively working on myself and there are many things that I know to be wrong that I keep repeating again and again because It's become a layer of my personality. How long have you been working on yourself and what practices did work for you?
     
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  5. Bad_hombre

    Bad_hombre Fapstronaut

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    Do you not think that If you commit to working on it on a daily basis you can speed up the process?
     
  6. ozengineer

    ozengineer Fapstronaut

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    The book is freely downloadable from the following site (https://library.theebook.org/pdf/?book=B016P6GC9A)
    I've heard about the book for years but never read it. _Xavier_ summarized the book brilliantly but I think the book is worth reading deeply and with reflection.
     
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  7. _Xavier_

    _Xavier_ Fapstronaut

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    Yeah the false self is a bastard to undo. Self-love is tough when you didn't get real love.

    I have been working on myself and/or learning about myself for about a year. I have really struggled because my parents both filled me with doubt about myself and didn't teach me how to be disciplined in my habits (except for the negativity). On top of that, they isolated me socially as a young kid due to the abuse, so I have a very limited support network. That is something I have made a step towards by going to ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) recently. Basically I have a very hard time committing and focusing more than a couple weeks (anger is missing here?). I'm thinking I shouldn't use these things as excuses, but they are true.

    What has worked for me so far:
    • I broke contact with my father when his new wife physically attacked me and he did nothing
    • I listen to a lot of Freedomain Radio call-in shows about interpersonal issues that relate to me. I find it is very enlightening
    I do not want to pretend I'm doing an amazing job. I'm struggling with this healing process. I just relapsed last night and I have felt pretty down all day.

    I know I can if I do it. That is one of my greatest struggles. I'm hoping this new ACA group will help and the new therapist that I am seeing next week will have some advice. Ultimately though its my responsibility to do it.
    A quote I have in mind that changed an author's life - from his father: "When are you going to get serious?"

    Thank you for your compliment. I was actually thinking that it wasn't that great when writing it and I am glad to hear this.
     
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  8. Bad_hombre

    Bad_hombre Fapstronaut

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    I understand what you're talking about my parents also destroyed my self-esteem in my childhood. I think that my father, who I don't think that is my biological father, didn't like us he used to beat me and my brother for the smallest things. This apparent laziness and inertia are self-worth issues I agree with you when you say that You shouldn't use your abuse as an excuse, but you have to work on those issues to regain energy to push yourself forward.

    I think that you found your major issues It's a great leap forward most people don't even fancy why they feel so wretched.

    You should read the book at least twice to get a better grasp of the content. I started my reading of the book yesterday so I'm not in a position to say anything, however, I've been watching a series of lectures by Bradshaw and the guy is amazing. You should take a look to see if it expands your understanding of the subject.

     
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  9. _Xavier_

    _Xavier_ Fapstronaut

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    I definitely plan to read it twice. I am sorry about your abuse. I forgot to compliment you on your own understanding of the cause of your problems. I think it takes a certain amount of intelligence and humbleness/courage to accept. Most people live there lives without even bothering to figure the patterns out.

    Yeah I remember I was living with some family watching some Bradshaw videos and crying lol. Thankfully no one found me! I'll watch some more.
     
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  10. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I’m an SO and I had read your review, sparked my interest so I downloaded the sample. This really looks like a good read!
     
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