This is destroying my life.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by anonymouse80, Apr 17, 2014.

  1. anonymouse80

    anonymouse80 Fapstronaut

    I'm a chronic fapper in my mid 30s. I'm married and with kids but have allowed this thing to take over my life. It started with vanilla stuff online and then moved to mirc and things like that. After that, it wandered into less acceptable areas which I don't want to talk about and now, it's starting to butt into my real life when I spend money on cam girls and phone sex lines.

    Yesterday night was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back when I had dreams about a chat that I had and couldn't get sleep although I was very tired. It's hurting my life and work and I need to stop this. I've tried doing it by myself (donating money each time I break a rule, abstaining, distracting myself etc.) but I need support if I have to do this. My longest streak of no PMO has been 10 days. That's pathetic compared to what others on the site have managed but even that is a great deal for me.

    My hope is to keep away from PMO for a month. I guess that's called a 30 day challenge here. I don't think I can do it without a sponsor. I'm planning to gift myself something if I can manage it and I need help to reach there.
  2. abra

    abra Fapstronaut

    I'm not fond of this gift thing. The gift is yourself, your new life, your brain free of porn stuff, your everyday. Don't wait for a gift, take this one now.
    On the other hand, you will find support here, and people who will listen to you.

    It may not be what's advised here, but here is how I did : I totally stopped porno (cam girls and others for you) and when I "failed", I only allowed myself to masturbation without porno. Then, step by step, I reduced masturbation consumption.
    What do you think of it ?*Begin with a list of all the reasons you want to stop porno, and write your engagement in a positive way. Ask yourself if you have mental fragility (maybe a childhood incident you never healed ?) that made you turn to porno. Then understand that you say bye bye to porno for your whole life, that's decades of freedom that wait for you. And then begin. Step by step, day by day.
  3. Alexander_D

    Alexander_D Fapstronaut

    Yeah, the first step of breaking porn's power is admitting to yourself and others that you have a problem.

    Now that you've put a torch on this, you wont be held down so easily by shame, guilt, loneliness etc. Youre not alone.

    But I would be more interested in hearing about how porn addiction works with a family? I think most of us probably dont have girlfriends, let alone a wife and kids. And I at least tell myself that a big part of fapping comes from not having those things - just a void that screams to be filled by anything wild, distracting and self-destructive.

    It would probably do wonders for you if you could find the courage to admit this to your wife? She is your other half, after all. And maybe you could find ways to spend more time with your kids, rather than online?
    Idk what your situation is man, but i'm just thinking out loud.

    Stay strong regardless. Things eventually get easier when you become completely convinced that PMO is never right and life without it is better - much better. Nurture faith in that conviction first and you'll be armed to make an effective act of will.
  4. anonymouse80

    anonymouse80 Fapstronaut

    While this is true, I'm afraid I don't have the clarity of vision to appreciate such a noble "gift". Something more tangible, I think, might help. I'm thinking of it as a crutch. I can justify hard days with "just wait n days more and you can get yourself that awesome toy". I'm not sure but all the material I've read on willpower suggests, as far as I remember, that this is a useful and effective short term strategy.

    In my own case, I find that one feeds the other. Unless both stop simultaneously, I've never had much luck staying clean. If I masturbate, it fuels a need for more "material". If I watch porn, it fuels a need for "release". Treating both as a single problem has worked better for me. That's my plan initially and if I stumble, I'll try the smoother approach you've suggested.

    This is a useful thing. I will try to do this in a journal that I intend to start on this website.
  5. anonymouse80

    anonymouse80 Fapstronaut

    Thanks. I think that's the main difference between my previous attempts and this one. Let's hope it holds.

    In my own case, I was mildly addicted from my late teens. The internet and easy availability of porn fuelled my urges and I couldn't get them under control. I think things would have been different if that were not there. After marriage, the habit stayed although my wife and I are sexually satisfied. This is something that creeps up on me when I'm alone or bored. I need to make a list of triggers before I start my challenge.

    The main thing is the feeling of guilt when my wife and I get intimate. Her affection and care is genuine. Mine is too but it's held back by a guilty secret.

    Reducing computer time (especially for entertainment) is something that has helped me in the past. I do intend to do it more systematically this time.

    I'm not yet willing to admit this to my wife for reasons that are too complex and personal to go into here.

    Thanks. That's solid advice.
  6. Markguy

    Markguy Fapstronaut

    Definitely relate. Married with kids and went from porn to paid cam girls and phone sex too.

    I was eventually caught and it almost ended my marriage and time with kids. Yet I would still relapse. Part was resentments but part hooked on the thrill.

    I hate to say this, but from my experience and many others in support programs, as long as it's a secret from your wife, it likely continues. There are a million reasons not to tell her, but if she finds out first, it's often devastating. I can't advise when or how in your particular situation but finding proper support and a way to address it with her is key to recovery. I'm not saying that I've told every detail, but if I relapse, I now have to tell my wife within 48 hours. It's the only way I have stopped that. Without accountability, I eventually find a way to sneak. Secrets empower the addiction.

    To those asking about marriage and porn, I would say that marriage does not solve or fix the addiction. What we bring into the relationship stays, unless we address our own issues. It would seem like relationship sex should remove the need to PMO, but it doesn't. The addiction is totally separate and much of PMO is beyond a physical need.

    Long term relationships have their own challenges. A life partner is not sex on demand. It is deeply fulfilling in many other ways though and real intimacy can feel wonderful. But when there is laundry, bills, dishes, kids, work and life stress, your partner doesn't have an automatic go switch when you are ready. Even in relationships there are times of feeling rejection and loneliness when the partner is withdrawn. Learning to love and accept yourself and have healthy coping is key during those times. Marriage I've found can enrich one's life experience, but it is not a fix for our individual problems.

    Wishing all the best on our shared road of recovery!
  7. soberAmin

    soberAmin Fapstronaut

    I can relate to your story as I am also married with children. My addiction got progressively worse to the extent that it definitely had an impact on our sex life and marriage in general. It is not easy to admit that you have a problem and seek help so I commend you for that and welcome you. It is a great place to be. There is a lot of understanding, support and most importantly no judging.

    I wish you all the best on your journey.
  8. anonymouse80

    anonymouse80 Fapstronaut

    My wife looks up to me in many ways and it would shatter me to tell her that I have such a disgusting trait. I hope, thought, that once I have survived a few challenges, I will tell her. It'll kill me but I will do it. She deserves my frankness.

    That's good advice. I will take it. When I'm at home with her, things are better. When I travel on business and am alone, it gets much worse. I spent *all* of yesterday on phone sex lines and blew close to 150 USD (which is quite a bit for me).

    Thank you for your support. I've started on my 30 day no PMO challenge and managed to overcome an urge in the morning. Let's hope everything is as simple.
  9. anonymouse80

    anonymouse80 Fapstronaut

    Thank you. Your support means a lot to me.
  10. Blackmilk

    Blackmilk Fapstronaut

    As the wife of a sa I can tell you the longer you keep this secret the more it hurts you, your wife, your marriage, and your family. I won't lie, she will be crushed, it will make her question herself and your love for her. It's up to you to show her you love her and that you are suffering an addiction, an illness, and that you don't want to have this addiction. Look up articles on sexual recovery plans and full disclosures. Sought out a therapist and ask about cognitive behavioural therapy to help kick your addiction to the curb.

    The first step is knowing you have a problem. The next step is to hold yourself responsible for all your actions. A recovery plan would help in so many ways and a disclosure would help your wife to know what has gone on and to understand that it is an addiction and that you know it's not how you want to be.

    I wish you all the best in your recovery. Stay strong. The intimacy with your wife will be so much more when you free yourself of your addictive behaviours.
  11. Alexander_D

    Alexander_D Fapstronaut

    Yeah, youre best placed to judge your relationship anon, but if PMO is a serious issue for you, I wouldnt underestimate your wife's ability to already have worked out that something is up. It impacts all our relationships and I think we only delude ourselves into thinking that our closest loved ones have no idea or really deep down think that we're great.

    It's a terrible judgement call and I really sympathise with anyone in this bind. Admitting it to a wife could either smash a couple up or bind them together, closer, more loving and truthful than ever before. It could either be an invitation to deeper intimacy or the beginning of the end. A terrible cross-roads to be at and even more stressful given the risk of being caught red handed. Good luck!
  12. movingon

    movingon Fapstronaut

    First of all congratulations on making the decision to stop this madness.
    Going cold turkey worked for me. Initially I set the goal to 21 days.
    I wrote down all the bad, negative things that are going to happen (or already happened) if I don't stop.
    I wrote down all the positives I could think of.
    I kept myself motivated by reading success stories and articles on and
    I also set a 'fine' for each relapse - donation to charity.
    I started a journal (simple spreadsheet in google docs) to see my progress and to keep me more accountable.
    I started to meditate 10 minutes a day (simple meditation - just focusing on my breath).
    On top of that I started to work out - 3 times a week (weight training) and cardio in between.
    My goal was to be busy and use the excess energy for something productive.
    When the 'dirty' thought sneaked in - I used the following technique: I imagined something really painful and very negative (pictures of sad and soulless black and white images of concentration camp prisoners or that girl from the movie Exorcist that vomits that disgusting greenish stuff ... ). Don't worry this does not affect associations to real life women - just the 'dirty' virtual ones ...
    Later on I added cold showers.
    I tried to get to bed early - to get at least 7 hours of sleep (body including brain regenerates during sleep)
    I have not relapsed since I started. I nipped each 'dirty' thought in the bud. Let me know if you have any questions, I would be more than happy to answer. Good luck with the reboot. You can do it!
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2014
  13. StarKing

    StarKing Guest

    I have done 120 days no PM and still going on hardmode( current counter). I am not going back to that life.ever. the rewards are to great and keep me going.
    I am reading from your posts that you really really want to change your bad habit...this is the start of a your new career . like any new job you kinda gotta take it day by day. I have no specific remedies for your situation apart from this generic advise:
    1. keep reminding yourself of your goal. it is primary.
    2. Substitute- find something more constructive that gives you a similar euphoric sensation...something good for you.
    3. when you feel the urge take a cold shower...old remedy, but fucking powerful.
    4.install a porn filter on your browser and password protect. make a password up on the spot, one that is difficult to remember, so you cant remember and turn the filter off.

    You CAN do a month, talk yourself into it...stay strong and good luck

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