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This is exactly what I didn’t want happening to me.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by naonaise, May 11, 2021.

If you were in this situation with an impending proposal, what would your answer to THE QUESTION be?

  1. Yes

  2. No

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

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    WARNING: LONG POST - TW FOR MENTIONS OF SUICIDE/IDEATION

    -

    This is just me ranting because I don’t know what to do anymore and I have nobody. I am all alone. I’m so broken.

    -


    So. It’s been over a year, maybe even two years, since I made a post on here. But, of course, here I am. Again. Will we ever be rid of this vicious cycle? At this point, I’m not sure, and I’m very, very scared for my future.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He’s struggled with porn use/addiction since he was young. We had quite a few valleys around the 1-2 year mark and then a couple more after that, to the point of “separating” for a bit after he got manipulative with the accountability software (Covenant Eyes, if you’re familiar).

    Things have been good. Things have been really good, for quite a while now. Honestly, I’ve been the problem. I don’t know if I will ever heal from the initial slap in the face of all this, and now with what happened three days ago, I feel like my life is falling apart.

    My phone was dying so I naturally asked if I could borrow his phone. He seemed kinda weird about it but I was like whatever. I opened the link I texted to him to get to the chords, and Safari opened... in private browsing mode. At first I brushed it off as “oh maybe he doesn’t want me knowing he bought the ring teehee.” But then my stupid ass checked to see what tabs were open and lo and behold, there they fucking were yet again. His precious skinny mini Reddit girls.

    I am not kidding when I say I nearly threw up all over his piano. My stomach literally got so upset I actually got diarrhea in the next ten minutes and had to go sit on the toilet while I started picturing everything facing apart. I mean really? I had to find this out two days before 5 years together? X amount of days before he’s supposed to propose to me?

    Not gonna lie, I basically had a full-on meltdown. Not in an angry way. In an “oh my god I want to die right now way.” I was a crumpled heap on the floor. He had to pull me away from a large kitchen knife I was walking towards. I’ve got severe depression and anxiety and am heavily medicated so when something sets me off really bad and I haven’t taken my meds, it’s BAD.

    He did the usual. Cried and asked for forgiveness and all that. And once again I’m deciding to stay. But my stipulations are:
    1. He has to get a CSAT covered by his insurance, ASAP.
    2. We have to start couples counseling and continue for the rest of our marriage. If it happens.
    3. I need to be made an admin on Covenant Eyes so I can see his device activity.
    4. I am going to disable Safari and Chrome on his phone, and make Covenant Eyes his default browser so I get screenshots from his phone the same way I do from his laptop.
    5. I am going to disable the ability to download anything to his phone without my passcode, so he doesn’t download a different browser and use that instead?

    Why so harsh, you ask? Well. First of all in order to do this without me knowing, he purposefully turned off the VPN on his phone. On Saturday (D Day) he told me he’d only been using for 10 days. But this morning I went through my email and found that the VPN has been off since mid-March. I confronted him and all he could say is “well I only turned it off but I didn’t do anything.” Yeah right. At this point I don’t believe a single thing out of his mouth. Like he must thinking I’m a fucking idiot fleshlight or something. So. There’s that.

    The icing on top of all this is that he is white and I am black. He’s never ever his whole entire life looked at any black woman online. DARK skin black woman. He tried to lie and say there was a black woman he saw, so naturally I went to look at the top posts of the week, and I said right to his face, “yeah no, a light skin doesn’t count. I mean look at me.” So like yeah at this point I believe he only finds me sexually attractive because of emotions and proximity. But I guess the proximity wasn’t enough since he decided he’d rather fiddle his dinkydoo while I’m busting my ass at work to pay for new clothes and new makeup and new hair and everything I can to look and feel attractive in the midst of my medication-induced weight gain.

    I put out yesterday. One, because it was the ~right thing to do.~ Two, because I’ve been deprived for like two weeks because he’d rather have sex with his hand. So I got my two minutes of sex for the next couple weeks I guess. Lol.

    Truth be told I felt disgusting the whole time. Having sex with someone who’s probably wishing I’m someone else while inside of me. Having sex with someone who finds women like me so repulsive he’s never PMOd and will never called PMO to one.

    I already struggled with my self worth this whole past 18 months because of my fluctuating weight and its effects on my body. But now I truly feel ugly. I truly feel unlovable... and unloved. I truly feel unappreciated. And I truly do hate myself and want to die. What do I have to be/what do I have to do to have a man fawn over me like other white men do for their dark skinned partners? What the hell is wrong with me that I don’t get that kind of hyping up unless I’m wearing ten lbs of makeup and skimpy lingerie? Why can’t I even get a goddamn fucking birthday post or anniversary post without having to ask for one? Does he hate me that much! Aaah I wanna die

    We’ll see what comes out of my mouth if he decides he’s still going to ask me to marry him. I want to say yes, but... well... I don’t know. I don’t want to end up being. cheated on like my mom because of all this.

    What would you do?
     
  2. ZombieMan

    ZombieMan Fapstronaut

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    Just dump his ass and find someone who you feel comfortable with. You don't seem happy in this relationship and it seems to have been taking a big mental toll on you.
     
  3. brassknucks

    brassknucks Fapstronaut

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    I didn't have to read everything to tell you yeah, that's all fucked up. Life is too short and time is too precious to waste on someone who is not worth it. They will move on and learn a hard lesson they needed to learn. Worse you can do is enable their behavior by staying.
     
  4. black_coyote

    black_coyote Fapstronaut

    For me few things are clear. This man has been concealing the fact that he has been consuming crap. He also put you under the illusion that he is being clean. This is unhealthy.

    To think from his side, he may be suffering from a sense of ambiguity. Maybe he is afraid to tell you the truth fearing your reaction. Maybe he is thinking he can handle this on his own (although he is failing). And may be he is deep down miserable because he is unable to break this addiction and when someone is miserable, he goes down the spiral to avoid facing the misery.

    We don't know.

    There is no point trying to convey your emotions to him, now. If he is in a post-relapse phase there is very less chance he will understand or really empathize. He is probably feeling mechanical, empty, and quite numb himself deep within. From my experience, I need at least 3 weeks of sobriety before I can empathize and truly 'be there' for my SO. I think your SO is stuck in his own crap that he do not have the energy to cater to yours dutifully. And you are in so much pain that you find it difficult to connect with him as well.

    I'd say that both of you are now in a state of meltdown. It would really help (IMO) if you give each other some time. Maybe a week at least for things to cool down and you both are in a state of mind to talk things over, heart to heart.

    I support your stipulations. And feel that it is necessary. I hope he will agree to it, if he is also earnestly wishing to get over this addiction. Therapy Sessions are important and can be very helpful.

    But you've to realize that you are going to take a task- supporting him, which is going to be arduous and probably thankless task where you are not at all going to be appreciated, for years probably. So when you make the choice of your life, it would be best to tear down the illusory veils that things will fall into place magically and he will thank you and sing gospels of love. It may happen! But it will take time..probably years. It's not an easy road.

    I feel your worries regarding the kindof porn he consumes is really unfounded, in my opinion. You don't have to have your SO consuming black porn for yourself to feel validated. Porn, no matter what the nature of the fantasy is, can be harmful. Just because he consumes black porn doesn't make him any less of an addict. People see various crap genres of porn. Many are outright disguising if it was to be talked in public. But that doesn't mean we want to emulate those fantasies in real life.

    So please do not feel yourself down and judge your self worth by the nature of crap he consumes.

    I hope this helps. If you are to talk about your situation to your friends and family, they all would probably advise you to leave this relationship (I'm guessing) because they care for you and want your well-being.

    But I'd say its YOUR choice you have to make ultimately. And you have to take it, by understanding the fact that you are going to do a daunting thankless job. But that is the nature of some kinds of love. People do such things for love. They willingly suffer and heal themselves from the hurt again and again and again, getting stronger each time and reach out to their lover. Opening up in love, being love, letting them see the glimpse of your heart being vulnerable in your love, despite the wounds, despite the scars, despite the aches. It's a dramatic way to live.

    To live this life or not-to live. Is your choice.

    Take care. May we all heal.
     
    Vanquisher12 likes this.
  5. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    @naonaise I’m sorry. Their addiction has NOTHING to do with us or our body, or our looks, etc.

    It all really sucks and the betrayal is gutting, dehumanizing, confusing, painful. We need to believe their behavior over any of their words since addicts can (and will) say anything. If it were me, I would look at 1) is he wanting to change for you or himself? If he does not want this completely out of his life for himself, he will most likely go back again and again. 2) Is he taking SA classes with other men? Seeing a Csat? Does he have genuine accountability people that he actually calls? 3) Do you notice a change over his months of “sobriety”? Is he nicer? More patient? Does he help out more? Spend more quality time with you? Is he fine with these extra boundaries on his tech, or does he complain? Is he willing to do anything and everything to earn your trust back?

    I can’t tell you what to do, but every time I see a post like yours (women who are dating SAs who continually betray their trust - and are not married) I want to scream: Get out now! It doesn’t get better with marriage because marriage is 100% not the solution to a (probably life long) addiction.

    You will also need to do some work for yourself. You have been betrayed and that is a significant trauma that can fester and reveal it’s ugly head in the future unless it’s processed with a safe therapist or group and a bunch of supportive women in your situation. Whether or not you stay with him, you will need to do this for you, to help heal yourself, to get back your confidence and self-empowerment. What they do brings us to the lowest of our lows and we definitely need help to get back up out of that hole.

    Edit: I just looked at some of your past posts. Heartbreaking and if I were you, I’d run before I got more trapped. You should never fear fidelity if you are sick and ‘don’t want to perform’ that night. Find someone else who will value you. This one sounds like a dud and you don’t want to waste your beautiful years on a dud.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2021
  6. BigBrain

    BigBrain Fapstronaut

    If I was in that situation Id try to take a step back and try to look at it from an outside perspective.

    Person A) that can`t seem to control his addiction at all and goes to great length to manipulate the system to get his fix.

    Person B) Severely depressed and anxious to the extent of trying to selfharm when confronted with the extent of A`s relapses.

    What advice would you give your 16 year old self based on this?

    My sincere best wishes for you.
    /BB
     
  7. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    I would run. Marriage will not fix it and many of us are not running because the longer we've been at it the harder it is to just walk away. You already feel that pull because you've loved him a long time and invested a lot. But it's only going to get harder and once you are married and have kids it's even harder.

    I would maybe take some time to let it sit with you to think about how your mental health might improve with him out of the picture. Maybe without all of his extra issues, you might feel lighter and can get to a better place. I did not find out about my husband's struggles until 19 years into our relationship. Now, I can look back and see so clearly the damages he did by turning away from me. I'm not even just talking about the porn use that happened. I mean robbing me of my agency as his wife. My agency to be his person. To comfort him and help him with his troubles. To be one. Because he did not have that, all those bad things built up. He became mean and short tempered. We got more distant. The more separate we were, the lower my desire for him got and the lamer his justifications for being unfaithful with porn became. It was a mess that I didn't know about and it pulled me down to the point I was looking up plane tickets. And this was when I did not know what was going on! I'm not saying he's the cause of the troubles you have, but it sounds like you already are trying hard with some heavy stuff and maybe you don't need his weight anymore. If he can't stop and get real, lasting recovery, then he is doubly hurting you.

    Also, I just want to say, maybe look into a therapist who is also a csat treating betrayal trauma in case your regular check in does not get it enough. There are many of us who are not simultaneously facing depression and anxiety who are also brought to the ground in a crumpled mess by betrayal trauma. This trauma has no mercy. I've given birth 4 times, no meds and this trauma can take me out. Please do not feel badly on yourself for how it made you rage - this is not easy to do.
     
  8. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    It's good that you're setting boundaries.

    I also think it would be good for you to see a professional. Betrayal is trauma, and repeated betrayals is obviously multitudes worse. You've written the symptoms and consequences.

    There is also the racial component to this - which is something I can't speak to - but it's obviously there and needs to be worked through.

    And even on top of that - from what you write he seems just generally uninterested in showing appreciation. Couples therapy may help him with that, it may not.

    Advice wise I would say to say no to any proposals he gives until you're in a happy place. Don't legally connect yourself to someone who isn't supporting you mentally or emotionally.

    As for him, as I said, it's good you're making boundaries and consequences. I will be enterally grateful my wife gave me that one last chance to make different decisions. So far (since last July), I've been able to follow through on my promises to her. That I would make different choices and not become complacent and go to therapy and be honest. If he can't do those things without you dragging him like a toddler from a playground, that's his fault and not yours.
     
    hope4healing, used19 and BigBrain like this.
  9. Sadwife

    Sadwife Fapstronaut
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    Well, I think doesn’t matter what boundaries you put, he will find the way to go around. It’s like a drugadict son, where parents spend money and time, suffering trying to help the son or daughter. And when the son gets out of rehabilitation goes again and gets drugs, because wasn’t his decision since the beginning. You have the option to get out of a nightmare before you have kids and drag them into this. My husband is a very nice guy, responsible, hard worker, good father, etc but even with all that, if I knew that he is an porn addict, I wouldn’t have married him. All these years of loneliness, feeling like I’m not enough, well you know all that. I just understood this 1 year ago, and everything made sense. Even when I talked to him, he said he would stop but didn’t. So, I read in internet from a woman with the same problem, that the only way to change is to touch bottom. You need to leave him, if he really loves you he will do anything and maybe he will realize that he needs to work the problem. If he don’t well you will be relieved. It’s a nightmare and somehow you will be stuck with this. I told my husband that I was done, I’m out I told him and wasn’t just a threat. I decidedly that I couldn’t take it anymore. He changed. Still waiting for results and giving him a chance. But, I will leave him. And my kids will suffer so much because we are a happy family just a bad marriage in private. And right now you just have to decide for you, without dragging little ones with you. All man watch porn. It’s a very sad reality, and some are worst doing illegal things and willing to have their fantasies come true, but also there are real man that can control themselves and see that all the porn is not right for the mind and soul. Good luck in your decision. If you can take a decision right now is better you wait. Deceptions kill love very fast.
     
  10. Sadwife

    Sadwife Fapstronaut
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    Well, I think doesn’t matter what boundaries you put, he will find the way to go around. It’s like a drugadict son, where parents spend money and time, suffering trying to help the son or daughter. And when the son gets out of rehabilitation goes again and gets drugs, because wasn’t his decision since the beginning. You have the option to get out of a nightmare before you have kids and drag them into this. My husband is a very nice guy, responsible, hard worker, good father, etc but even with all that, if I knew that he is an porn addict, I wouldn’t have married him. All these years of loneliness, feeling like I’m not enough, well you know all that. I just understood this 1 year ago, and everything made sense. Even when I talked to him, he said he would stop but didn’t. So, I read in internet from a woman with the same problem, that the only way to change is to touch bottom. You need to leave him, if he really loves you he will do anything and maybe he will realize that he needs to work the problem. If he don’t well you will be relieved. It’s a nightmare and somehow you will be stuck with this. I told my husband that I was done, I’m out I told him and wasn’t just a threat. I decidedly that I couldn’t take it anymore. He changed. Still waiting for results and giving him a chance. But, I will leave him. And my kids will suffer so much because we are a happy family just a bad marriage in private. And right now you just have to decide for you, without dragging little ones with you. All man watch porn. It’s a very sad reality, and some are worst doing illegal things and willing to have their fantasies come true, but also there are real man that can control themselves and see that all the porn is not right for the mind and soul. Good luck in your decision. If you can take a decision right now is better you wait. Deceptions kill love very fast.
     
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    nope. 100% I would not marry him. Not only that, I would be breaking up with him for good. He has made it very clear what is important to him and it is not you. You are worth more than this.
     
  12. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    I don't know what your SO's deal is. All I can say is maybe there's more to it, but maybe there isn't.

    I've been addicted to PMO since I was 13 or 14, and also dealt with suicidal ideation a long, long time. Turns out both problems are related to ADHD, which I'm on meds for now but it's not like everything disappears. I had weight gain from anti depressants, and it wasn't outside what is "socially acceptable" and I'm male, so not even close to what you're dealing with on that front. It does sound like a lot and I hope you find your way through it.

    I persisted in using P, even when I knew it was bad and I'd get in trouble, because it served a real need that wasn't being met anywhere else. I didn't think it was a real need. I thought I was being selfish and perverse and I hated myself for it. It sounds like your SO knows he shouldn't use P but persists, and feels guilty about it and I wonder if he has an underlying cause that hasn't been identified, but manifesting as an addiction.
    Again, I don't know his deal. I do know for me it was and is extremely difficult to talk to my wife about any aspect of my addiction, to let her know I was doing well but then I failed. Again. I can hardly face myself, and that's where some of my own suicidal ideation comes from. If he's worth half his salt, he knows you struggle with body image (as my wife also does) and he may not want to exacerbate that by letting you know, yeah, he messed up again (as I do). Knowing she'd be hurt and knowing I wouldn't be able to do much of anything to stop myself, I convinced myself I was protecting her by isolating that part of myself from her. See the language I'm using, the way I'm framing it? She'd say I was lying about infidelity so I could get away with it.

    The last bit I can offer is, I tried not to seek out P of women similar to my wife because I didn't want to corrupt my attitude toward her. She was special and good, I didn't want to resent her for not being like the fantasies on screen. I can attest, P of dark skinned women isn't as common. He'd have to specifically look for it if that's what he wanted out of P. That could very well mean what you interpreted it to mean, alternatively it could mean he's actively attempting to not compare you to a hyper idealized and novel version of you, because he prefers you and the reality of your love over the temporary and artificial nature of P.

    Again, I hope you find your way through this.
     
  13. BrokenHeart 2

    BrokenHeart 2 Fapstronaut

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    Do you want to make him love you the way he should or the way you want to be loved or do you want that to come naturally? I think we all have tried to make our SO love us and that is not good. I know it hurts at first but until you accept that..you're going to keep allowing him to hurt you over and over. I wish I could tell you go find another man that's going to give you everything you want...but there's not that many men that don't watch porn or do things considered worse by some. Your happiness is going to have to happen with you NOT HIM. You can make him install all the porn blockers you want but are you going to feel any better knowing that he still wants to watch? I'm not saying leave abruptly because that can be hard to do but do not marry him. I got engaged recently. I asked him not to ask me to marry him if he wasn't over his addiction and he did it anyway. Well of course he wasn't over it. We'd planned to move in together I even made an extension to my home so we'd have more room. After I found out he wasn't over his addiction I made the decision not to marry him and also not to live together. This isn't about me but I'm trying to tell you that we have probably all been there and it's good that you can come on here and talk about it with others. Honestly you might be going through it worse than me because you said you have body image issues. I cannot imagine how hard it is to go through that and his addiction. The solution is not to go look for this man who's going to give you everything or make him quit porn...the solution is to grow happy with yourself and to stop your own addiction of trying to make him do what you want him to do. YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL BETTER OVER TIME IF YOU STOP TRYING TO MAKE HIM QUIT PORN! We shouldn't be making anyone do anything. I'd love to think some man would have just loved me enough without me trying to force it. People say these men love us but you don't keep hurting people you love! I accepted that I may have been someone that was accessible for my boyfriend and not his fantasy or the woman he really wanted. And I'm okay with that. He's no longer my fantasy either. In fact I just sleep with him to get off now. I finally understand him now. Because when I'm sleeping with I'm thinking about someone else. All I'm trying to say is you will get better but not by trying to change him but trying to change yourself. Relationships are overrated! What's so great about dating a porn Addict? That's why I still live alone! Do what you want but I encourage you to make an effort to be happy with either being alone or accepting him for his porn. I accept my SO with his masturbating porn addiction but I do whatever I want when he's not around. I found a way to be happy in this porn addicted society. We have to adapt. Survival of the fittest. So find your way. I hope when you decide to make a true effort to stop that you can come on here later and look at your transition. Betrayal trauma is not easy to get over you will go back and forth even if you don't care anymore or even if he gets better( but don't look forward to that) but it does get better. Ptsd is real but you can get better if you live your life instead of worrying about his porn!
     
  14. @naonaise
    Hi. Didn't planned to say anything cause its a difficult situation, and after evaluating all the possibilities and listening to different advices, only YOU should make the final decission.
    But after reading the comment i'm replying to, i had to say it:

    -There are men out there who are worth it. Don't think that all of them are consumed by porn. They may be just a few, but they exist. You just have to look for them in the correct places.
    Love still exists, and there are still people willing to fight for it.

    -Do NOT conform. Porn addiction is a big issue, and i wouldn't reccommend you to marry someone who strugles with this, doesn't make an effort to quit and lie to you. Is difficult to quit porn, sure (i would know, duh), but you aren't in that relationship to save him. Do not "accept" his porn consumption. There are some problems you will have to solve once inside the marriage, but this shouldn't be one of those.

    -Leave him or help him, but do not use him. If you feel used by him, be better than him, don't become what he is and don't do what he does.

    -If you are going to stay with him, demand him to get better. BUT, set a date to leave if he doesn't manage to achieve your goals in that time. What i mean is: if you give him a second chance, make sure to be it the last. And mark a date of expiry for that last chance.

    -If you leave him, leave him. Don't stay fucking around, being with him until you find something better. You will only keep hurting yourself, and be tied to a relationship that was long dead, and that won't let you build a healthy new one with someone else.

    Hope you the best.
     
  15. BrokenHeart 2

    BrokenHeart 2 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this reply! Sometimes I do know that there are men that don't watch or want other women it just seems like so few that the odds of me finding them are rare.
     
    Sadwife, RUNDMC, Vanquisher12 and 2 others like this.
  16. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Get out NOW! If you marry an addict like him then have kids with him, then you are in a world of hurt and pain with the stress of hiding it from the kids and faking happiness while you are dead inside. NOT worth ruining yourself over!! There will be better men out there for you without this issue and that will love you with everything in their soul. You do not want to be trapped in a roommate type marriage in your 40's with children you have to raise on your own because your husband is busy jerking off to a screen checked out emotionally.
     
  17. There's too much going on here. A relationship with a man should make you feel SECURE and HAPPY! I'm sorry but this man doesn't sound like the right man for you.
     
    RUNDMC likes this.

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