This is exhausting.

So he’s been working recovery, have you done anything for your betrayal trauma? A great book is Intimate Deception. Really helped me identify where my brain changes occurred and how to deal with them. Counseling helped as well. We have blockers/reporting software but I think those things are easy to get around for even a slightly average tech savvy guy, so I don’t bother checking, and I’m not his accountability partner. I do believe you can get past the worry, fear, anxiety. I don’t have any of that even though I don’t trust my husband. I trust myself. That took a lot of counseling, a lot of reading and work on myself. Bloom for women is great also. It takes more than just him being in recovery, you need to heal as well.

 

When they are in recovery one of the results is they can hear your pain without feeling shame. They may feel regret, guilt, but they become emotionally stronger and can face the reality of what they have done. They can be there for you in your hurt and anger. That is one of the biggest changes I’ve seen in my husband. For you to have an honest relationship you both need to be able to be open and honest and vulnerable. This will be difficult for you to reach on your own. You have suffered one of the worst betrayals that can happen, it has caused you trauma. That needs to be addressed and healed. This is every bit as important as your husbands healing. It isn’t a matter of whose suffered more or worse trauma. It still a reality that you have trauma that needs to be addressed. Why would it hurt him for you to talk about this with a counselor? I understand not telling your in laws, that could cause issues, but why not a pastor ( if you’re religious) or a counselor?

 

When they are in recovery one of the results is they can hear your pain without feeling shame. They may feel regret, guilt, but they become emotionally stronger and can face the reality of what they have done. They can be there for you in your hurt and anger. That is one of the biggest changes I’ve seen in my husband. For you to have an honest relationship you both need to be able to be open and honest and vulnerable. This will be difficult for you to reach on your own. You have suffered one of the worst betrayals that can happen, it has caused you trauma. That needs to be addressed and healed. This is every bit as important as your husbands healing. It isn’t a matter of whose suffered more or worse trauma. It still a reality that you have trauma that needs to be addressed. Why would it hurt him for you to talk about this with a counselor? I understand not telling your in laws, that could cause issues, but why not a pastor ( if you’re religious) or a counselor?

 

First off let me say I am so sorry your heart is suffering and your anxieties still haunt you. That would be very difficult to carry with everything going on, I can only imagine.

If you oblige, Here is my perspective from an addict in 4 years of recovery.

1. No man ever has EVER recovered in isolation. We all need a therapist, a support group, an accountability partner, a 12 step group, pastor, counselor OR Someone in order overcome this monster. Addiction thrives in secrecy, one can not do it alone. We don't have a pornography problem, we have a connection problem. Healthy, honest, transparent, authentic connections are necessary for recovery. Does he have these?

2. Denial. I don't know your husband. But wanting to watch "Game of Thrones" etc. seems like PSubs. While he may not be 'technically watching porn", (which he will hold onto this statement as truth for sobriety) he certainly hasn't walked completely away from it. An his brain doesn't know the difference. As long as the brain gets it's dopemine drips the addiction will never die. Someone truly in recovery has the self-control and self-compassion to eliminate all hooks with sexual devience. ESPECIALLY IF IT IS HURTING THEIR PARTNER.

3. You can not have an external solution to an internal problem. Meaning, yes software and blockers, and hardware and web limitations are helpful; they could never give the assurance and safety that you both are longing for. They are aids, not solutions. That is why you still feel anxious even with the tracking software etc working. None of these fixes are perfect. What you need to see is a resolute man setting and keeping boundaries for himself, being openly transparent on little things and of course the big ones. You need to feel his empathy for you and your concerns, see his selflessness and the way he connects with others.
What is disturbing to me is that he may be relying on software etc. to manage his recovery. (As long as I don't trigger the alarms I'm good) I would almost bet he has a backdoor, sidebar, offline or some other stash that circumvents your external monitoring. We try to control, engage in perception management so we look good while masterfully secretively we feed the addiction. True recovery feels much different.

4. Trust your gut. Women's intuition does tell when something is off. Seldom does it say what the thing is. It's hard not to be in denial yourself and put on rose colored glasses, because you so desperately want things to be well. I can only imagine confronting your man with 4 years of recovery seems like rocking the boat, but if he truly is healing he will know how to hold space for your heart, make you feel safe, and never protect his addiction. There is never a good reason to not have an open honest dialog with the person we love. It's in the vulnerability that we build intimacy.

5. Boundaries. You are not responsible for his recovery, he is. If he is bringing in new electronic devices etc. Let him explain how he will manage the temptations and protect himself/you. Let him spell out the consequences for breaking his predetermined boundaries. Then just hold him to them. If he is unwilling to offer any real protections, this will give you information. Then reinforce your own boundaries so you stay safe.

6. Stop Should-ing on yourself. "I should be happy". "I shouldn't still feel this way." "I should be over it"
You feel what you feel. There is nothing wrong with feelings. You are allowed to experience happiness and disappointment. Shoulds are shame, they are the disparity between expectations and current reality. We don't need to make excuses to protect an idealistic version of us or our partners. Reality is accepting what is here and now. Authentic living has little regrets. If your reality is currently pain, that's okay, what are you going to do with that?
For me it's less excuses, more living.

@Just me You are a good woman. It is nobel thing to stick with a broken man. You can have peace and healing. You matter. You are brave to be here and to ask questions. I hope that you two can find hope and healing. I pray your relationship continues to grow into something more beautiful. When anxieties and life seem too rough.
BREATHE

 

You can dismiss or trivialize your trauma but until you treat it as trauma and get help you will continue to function from your amygdala which is where that fear/anxiety is stemming from. This will harm your relationship. My husband had far worse trauma too. His trauma has no bearing on my healing from my trauma. It’s still trauma, and your body is going to respond as such. It sucks. He may have caused my trauma but it is my responsibility to heal from it. He cannot heal me. Even in recovery, he cannot fix my response to this trauma. He can only stop causing more trauma and be there for me as I fix/heal my trauma. Like you, in the beginning, I didn’t even think or acknowledge that this was trauma. Until I got into counseling. Then and only then did I start to realize the effects this had on me. Brain scans And tests can show where this has changed your brain just as addiction has changed his.

 

I’m going to keep up with this, lol. I don’t want you to waste 20 years and then realize you need help. I was 27 first dday, 32 the second dday and 50 years old before I understood what was actually going on with me. I knew he had a problem, but I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling, doing, acting certain ways. Time did not just heal me. If you can’t afford counseling or won’t go, then at least try Bloom for women and get he book intimate deception. You deserve to feel peace.

 

@Just me thanks for clarifying. I see I made a lot of assumptions from my limited information. I can see your husband is a lot better than I gave him credit for. Good job.

Is he active on here? What is he currently doing for recovery?

What is concerning to me Is you feel admittedly alone in talking about some of this. Plus you have lamented over the heavy amount stress you are currently carrying, and yet your husband thinks this is the right time to introduce a video game system to numb out to, instead of helping you, and leave you feeling more anxious and alone?

It doesn't add up.

Again sorry you are exhausted. I hope things get better. Cheers.

 

This sounds to me like he is a dry drunk. He is sober but he is not in recovery. He has stopped the actions, but he has not stopped the thoughts. He has not done the emotional work to get to the whys of his addiction. He MUST do this work. He must have accountability that is not you. He needs to get into therapy with a CSAT, or join a 12 step program with a sponsor (or both), he needs to be reading or listening to books/podcasts about sex addiction, he needs to find an accountability partner, he needs to join groups like this, etc...his addiction is deeply rooted in things he doesn't even know about. He needs to uncover what drove him to seek out porn and masturbation. He needs to learn to FEEL and to learn real coping skills. Only through this work can he be successful in overcoming his addiction and in that process he will learn empathy for the trauma he has caused you. He will learn to meet you where you are and never expect you to 'get over it' or 'move on.'

Without these things, it is only a matter of time until he relapses. I would also recommend getting finding a coach or a therapist trained in betrayal trauma that can help you through your pain and trauma and help you learn to let go of the checking up and control. It's hard at first, but as you begin to focus on your healing, it will get easier and easier and you will find it freeing as you give all the responsibility of his recovery to him.