1. We currently have a backlog of 15,837 pending new accounts stuck in the spam filter. For now, we've turned off forum registrations. We currently do not have the resources to accept new users.
    Dismiss Notice

This is getting so out of control

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Maurice00, Apr 5, 2022.

  1. Maurice00

    Maurice00 Fapstronaut

    I've been sexting girls since I woke up. Literally the first thing I did was open my phone, download my sexting apps and start sexting random girls. It's 1.35pm now and I haven't drank anything, I haven't had breakfast. I smell like a dead animal and my hair is all fucked up. I feel like a fiend. I can't seem to stop for some reason. I know it's bad, I really do. My dick doesn't even get properly hard anymore, I just tug on my semi for hours and hours without stopping. It physically hurts. As soon as I cum I'm like "Oh fuck, oh no no." and I delete everything and I live the rest of the day as a productive member of society telling myself it's over now and I won't ever watch porn or sext again. Then I wake up the next day and I just start again. It's been progressively escalating since I was 13 years old. It started when one of my classmates showed me a striptease clip of a woman at school on dailymotion.

    Before you know it i'm jerking off 5 times a day and browsing dailymotion in my dark room. This escalated further when I found this online game called IMVU. On there you can basically make an avatar and interact with different avatars. I basically spent an entire summer just sexting girls on there. Gradually I started sending nudes and masturbating all day long. Then the next day I'd chug 10 cups of coffee and do the same thing again that night. This continued for years and progressively the time spent doing it increased. During this time I was also drinking a lot and I had developed an anxiety disorder that I was taking antidepressants for. When I was 18 years old my dick just stopped working. It stopped getting as hard and I started looking for reasons online. Then I discovered that it was porn that did this to me. Then my attempts to try and stop this habit started. I would watch many videos about it, I'd browse Nofap and count my days. I never lasted long though. Sometimes 10 days, sometimes 35. I would fall back into the habit for weeks, binging like crazy. I had also dropped out of school by this time. As I was doing Nofap I started discovering how traumatized I was and how I couldn't be alone with my emotions or deal with them AT ALL. So I started drinking heavily and smoking weed. I had moved out of my mom's house a while back because I had turned really aggressive and stuff and it just wasn't good for either of us for me to live there. I moved to my dad's and for a while I was blasting my head open every week with shrooms and LSD, tripping in my bedroom as my father was downstairs. During one of those LSD trips I came to the conclusion that I was living a lie. I had kept this secret to myself ever since I was 13 and it had progressively escalated and become really destructive. I had become a horrible person, a psychopath who would do anything to get his fix. I cried like a baby as I thought about how much I loved my mother and sisters and my father and I decided that I was not going to carry this secret with me anymore. Later that day I broke down crying in front of my dad and told him I had been doing drugs and about how bad my porn addiction was. My dad is autistic so I could tell that he didn't know how to deal with it, but he tried to respond as best as he could.

    Later I visited my mom and I told her about my addiction. Initially she was like "It's going to be alright. It's going to be alright." and I went home feeling very relieved. The next day I got a call from her and she said that I wasn't welcome there anymore and that she didn't want to see me anymore. This hit me like a truck.

    My wrestling with this habit and with the intense sadness and anxiety that I was feeling continued for years. Eventually I got into therapy again and I was semi intitutionalized for 6 months. From here I got a volunteer job and eventually signed up for the college I am in right now. Over there I talked about my porn addiction numerous times, but I never got any real help for it. I tried to reinitiate contact with my mom and my sisters during that time but they kept me far away and eventually contact broke off completely. During this time I also hit some really long streaks like 160 days, 90 days, 100 days. I thought I was free.
    I started college and I went into therapy with a regular psychologist again. I was able to keep my sexting and porn habit somewhat under control and this led to people thinking that I was a stable and hardworking person. I told him about my addiction too but again I didn't get any serious help for it. I kept going for a few weeks without porn, getting really high grades in school and then I'd relapse big and binge like crazy for days and days, sometimes missing school because of it. Gradually this started escalating more and more as I was desperately trying to keep it under control. I tried to find help from my psychologist and psychiatrist but they didn't help me. I went on new meds for my anxiety and my anxiety became a lot better. I was still feeling incredibly empty inside though.

    Fast-forward a few months to now. I'm 21 years old and my life is crumbling again. I am in the middle of a test week right now and I am skipping school today because I am deep in a binge. I feel like I am losing my soul. My dick hurts and it won't even get hard anymore but I keep going. It's as if I don't care anymore. It's as if I want to sell my soul to the devil, as if I want my dick to fall off and rot away. I am so fucked up mentally, I can hardly focus on school or anything else anymore. I recently got an appartment and I hardly live there because I can't even take care of myself in this state. I just orgasmed in the sink. I have never felt this disgusting in my life. I am going to delete all of those apps right now and I am going to fucking pray. I'm going to pray that it doesn't happen again tomorrow, that I'll be able to focus on studying. Thanks for reading.
    Spekky likes this.
  2. Well at least you are aware of your problems and want to fix them. I think the absolute key to all of this is to embrace the idea of work. At least that’s what ive found. Because what all these bad habits really do is tear away at your inner work ethic. Fortunately it can be built back up. But what happens is as soon as you make a determination to make changes and then start l, the work seems like too much and you will slide back into what is an easier way to cope. Then your life starts crashing down on you again. You’ve got to build the nest from the ground up, while covered in mud and trying to balance on sharp rocks, in the pouring rain and wind, trying to balance another beam onto the roof structure, and then you’ll lose your balance and fall back in the mud into a pile of thorns: at this point you must grit your teeth and get up and keep going.

    also, it doesn’t help to be attempting something without the proper tools, which I’ve found to be as follows:

    The Toolkit
    1. Listen to the Neverfap Deluxe Daily podcast, all the episodes. Invaluable information
    2. Daily meditation
    3. Strict sleep and wake habits with early rising each morning
    4. Cutting off all sources of electronic entertainment
    5. Daily exercise and healthy eating.
    And finally, reading the Bible and praying to God. Though you may not agree with these beliefs God hates the sin of sexual immorality and is on your side when you’re fighting it
  3. sh0gun

    sh0gun Fapstronaut

    Hey man, well done for sharing all of this. It sounds like you have a massive emotional backlog that needs to be addressed and it is overwhelming for you. I can't imagine how painful it was to be rejected by your own mother, I was really surprised when I read that.

    I'd recommend to continue working with a therapist to resolve your past traumas. This is why you keep going back to the old habit because you can't deal with how you are feeling. You need a safe environment to work through those emotions. They won't go away, no matter how much you try to hide. Maybe start looking for specific sexual addiction therapists if its possible.

    There's a course on my website that I'd recommend you had a look at as well, its a specific program (that I am a client of) that helps men quit porn and is run by a therapist who's a former porn addict himself. You may be able to get that sense of community support on this program that you haven't yet been able to find.

    You can click the link in my sig or message me if you wanna know more about it.

    Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best
    Rostrock47 and Maurice00 like this.
  4. Spekky

    Spekky Fapstronaut

    Wow! That is disgusting that your mother and sisters are treating you that way. Tell me how your prayers go. Following post.
    Rostrock47 and Maurice00 like this.
  5. Man, and I thought my struggle was hard.
  6. Leon12

    Leon12 Fapstronaut

    Brother, you're not prone to stay that way. Wake up and realize that you are young and you will put your life back in other so long as you keep striving.

    See brother, I am not talking trash here because I know exactly how you feel. That damned feeling of emptiness and desperation. But you know what I was a fool to believe so because there is always a bright side to every story. Depends on how you look at it.

    You have to learn that " You're responsible for what you are from the moment you become aware" so what you need to do now is to man up and address the issues in your life until you fix them.

    You're saying that you're masturbating 5 times a day, well brother I remember days when I masturbated every waking hour. It's almost like I needed a shot every hour to numb the pain. But you know that was wrong. I cured that by learning about how this sh&t addiction works; I have probably read about it more than a psychologist did. But you know what i HAVE FOUND it to be particularly helpful, since I have been able to quit for 1 year cold turkey now and never masturbated ever since.

    The definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same thing over and over and to expect different results. Hold yourself accountable for your actions instead of playing the victim. Say things like " What the hell did I do wrong, and what can I do to reverse the situation, because the magical thing is that you can brother. But you keep failing because you never made a geniuine attempt to quit. You have worked so hard to get hooked on porn but you're not ready to work 10% as hard to get better.

    My advise to you is to start consuming content and learn about how the "mechanisms of porn addiction works" The great news is that it's completely free and you can read in complete secrecy. You don't need to tell anyone because if you get better you'll only do so for yourself. Stop caring what anyone thinks, get better because you deserve more of life. If only you knew how many people wish they could have health to live but some people just don't. Have some gratitude man, and know that you're blessed with so many things, it's just that you've focused on what's bad in your life for so long untill you became completely selfish and forgot all the nice moments you have experienced.

    You were certainly not born to be miserable and if you are not doing well right now, it just doesn't mean that you have to stay like that. work hard to get better fam and trust me that you will.

    And if you want personal help, hey man you can reach out to me because I'm your one stop therapist baby. I've become an expert on this porn addiction thing and I know all the tricks.

    Peace out my brother. Stay hard.
  7. Be serious

    Be serious Fapstronaut

    Bruh you got this! I also sometimes miss a class because of my addiction. I am beginning to focus on my life; not on my addiction. Reading a book is very helpful and read books related with fighting pornography. I feel you bro, you got this shit! kick the ass of the addiction.
  8. Cactus61

    Cactus61 Fapstronaut

    This is what your post reminds me of (especially that “10%” bit:

    Attached Files:

Share This Page