I've been sexting girls since I woke up. Literally the first thing I did was open my phone, download my sexting apps and start sexting random girls. It's 1.35pm now and I haven't drank anything, I haven't had breakfast. I smell like a dead animal and my hair is all fucked up. I feel like a fiend. I can't seem to stop for some reason. I know it's bad, I really do. My dick doesn't even get properly hard anymore, I just tug on my semi for hours and hours without stopping. It physically hurts. As soon as I cum I'm like "Oh fuck, oh no no." and I delete everything and I live the rest of the day as a productive member of society telling myself it's over now and I won't ever watch porn or sext again. Then I wake up the next day and I just start again. It's been progressively escalating since I was 13 years old. It started when one of my classmates showed me a striptease clip of a woman at school on dailymotion.
Before you know it i'm jerking off 5 times a day and browsing dailymotion in my dark room. This escalated further when I found this online game called IMVU. On there you can basically make an avatar and interact with different avatars. I basically spent an entire summer just sexting girls on there. Gradually I started sending nudes and masturbating all day long. Then the next day I'd chug 10 cups of coffee and do the same thing again that night. This continued for years and progressively the time spent doing it increased. During this time I was also drinking a lot and I had developed an anxiety disorder that I was taking antidepressants for. When I was 18 years old my dick just stopped working. It stopped getting as hard and I started looking for reasons online. Then I discovered that it was porn that did this to me. Then my attempts to try and stop this habit started. I would watch many videos about it, I'd browse Nofap and count my days. I never lasted long though. Sometimes 10 days, sometimes 35. I would fall back into the habit for weeks, binging like crazy. I had also dropped out of school by this time. As I was doing Nofap I started discovering how traumatized I was and how I couldn't be alone with my emotions or deal with them AT ALL. So I started drinking heavily and smoking weed. I had moved out of my mom's house a while back because I had turned really aggressive and stuff and it just wasn't good for either of us for me to live there. I moved to my dad's and for a while I was blasting my head open every week with shrooms and LSD, tripping in my bedroom as my father was downstairs. During one of those LSD trips I came to the conclusion that I was living a lie. I had kept this secret to myself ever since I was 13 and it had progressively escalated and become really destructive. I had become a horrible person, a psychopath who would do anything to get his fix. I cried like a baby as I thought about how much I loved my mother and sisters and my father and I decided that I was not going to carry this secret with me anymore. Later that day I broke down crying in front of my dad and told him I had been doing drugs and about how bad my porn addiction was. My dad is autistic so I could tell that he didn't know how to deal with it, but he tried to respond as best as he could.
Later I visited my mom and I told her about my addiction. Initially she was like "It's going to be alright. It's going to be alright." and I went home feeling very relieved. The next day I got a call from her and she said that I wasn't welcome there anymore and that she didn't want to see me anymore. This hit me like a truck.
My wrestling with this habit and with the intense sadness and anxiety that I was feeling continued for years. Eventually I got into therapy again and I was semi intitutionalized for 6 months. From here I got a volunteer job and eventually signed up for the college I am in right now. Over there I talked about my porn addiction numerous times, but I never got any real help for it. I tried to reinitiate contact with my mom and my sisters during that time but they kept me far away and eventually contact broke off completely. During this time I also hit some really long streaks like 160 days, 90 days, 100 days. I thought I was free.
I started college and I went into therapy with a regular psychologist again. I was able to keep my sexting and porn habit somewhat under control and this led to people thinking that I was a stable and hardworking person. I told him about my addiction too but again I didn't get any serious help for it. I kept going for a few weeks without porn, getting really high grades in school and then I'd relapse big and binge like crazy for days and days, sometimes missing school because of it. Gradually this started escalating more and more as I was desperately trying to keep it under control. I tried to find help from my psychologist and psychiatrist but they didn't help me. I went on new meds for my anxiety and my anxiety became a lot better. I was still feeling incredibly empty inside though.
Fast-forward a few months to now. I'm 21 years old and my life is crumbling again. I am in the middle of a test week right now and I am skipping school today because I am deep in a binge. I feel like I am losing my soul. My dick hurts and it won't even get hard anymore but I keep going. It's as if I don't care anymore. It's as if I want to sell my soul to the devil, as if I want my dick to fall off and rot away. I am so fucked up mentally, I can hardly focus on school or anything else anymore. I recently got an appartment and I hardly live there because I can't even take care of myself in this state. I just orgasmed in the sink. I have never felt this disgusting in my life. I am going to delete all of those apps right now and I am going to fucking pray. I'm going to pray that it doesn't happen again tomorrow, that I'll be able to focus on studying. Thanks for reading.
Before you know it i'm jerking off 5 times a day and browsing dailymotion in my dark room. This escalated further when I found this online game called IMVU. On there you can basically make an avatar and interact with different avatars. I basically spent an entire summer just sexting girls on there. Gradually I started sending nudes and masturbating all day long. Then the next day I'd chug 10 cups of coffee and do the same thing again that night. This continued for years and progressively the time spent doing it increased. During this time I was also drinking a lot and I had developed an anxiety disorder that I was taking antidepressants for. When I was 18 years old my dick just stopped working. It stopped getting as hard and I started looking for reasons online. Then I discovered that it was porn that did this to me. Then my attempts to try and stop this habit started. I would watch many videos about it, I'd browse Nofap and count my days. I never lasted long though. Sometimes 10 days, sometimes 35. I would fall back into the habit for weeks, binging like crazy. I had also dropped out of school by this time. As I was doing Nofap I started discovering how traumatized I was and how I couldn't be alone with my emotions or deal with them AT ALL. So I started drinking heavily and smoking weed. I had moved out of my mom's house a while back because I had turned really aggressive and stuff and it just wasn't good for either of us for me to live there. I moved to my dad's and for a while I was blasting my head open every week with shrooms and LSD, tripping in my bedroom as my father was downstairs. During one of those LSD trips I came to the conclusion that I was living a lie. I had kept this secret to myself ever since I was 13 and it had progressively escalated and become really destructive. I had become a horrible person, a psychopath who would do anything to get his fix. I cried like a baby as I thought about how much I loved my mother and sisters and my father and I decided that I was not going to carry this secret with me anymore. Later that day I broke down crying in front of my dad and told him I had been doing drugs and about how bad my porn addiction was. My dad is autistic so I could tell that he didn't know how to deal with it, but he tried to respond as best as he could.
Later I visited my mom and I told her about my addiction. Initially she was like "It's going to be alright. It's going to be alright." and I went home feeling very relieved. The next day I got a call from her and she said that I wasn't welcome there anymore and that she didn't want to see me anymore. This hit me like a truck.
My wrestling with this habit and with the intense sadness and anxiety that I was feeling continued for years. Eventually I got into therapy again and I was semi intitutionalized for 6 months. From here I got a volunteer job and eventually signed up for the college I am in right now. Over there I talked about my porn addiction numerous times, but I never got any real help for it. I tried to reinitiate contact with my mom and my sisters during that time but they kept me far away and eventually contact broke off completely. During this time I also hit some really long streaks like 160 days, 90 days, 100 days. I thought I was free.
I started college and I went into therapy with a regular psychologist again. I was able to keep my sexting and porn habit somewhat under control and this led to people thinking that I was a stable and hardworking person. I told him about my addiction too but again I didn't get any serious help for it. I kept going for a few weeks without porn, getting really high grades in school and then I'd relapse big and binge like crazy for days and days, sometimes missing school because of it. Gradually this started escalating more and more as I was desperately trying to keep it under control. I tried to find help from my psychologist and psychiatrist but they didn't help me. I went on new meds for my anxiety and my anxiety became a lot better. I was still feeling incredibly empty inside though.
Fast-forward a few months to now. I'm 21 years old and my life is crumbling again. I am in the middle of a test week right now and I am skipping school today because I am deep in a binge. I feel like I am losing my soul. My dick hurts and it won't even get hard anymore but I keep going. It's as if I don't care anymore. It's as if I want to sell my soul to the devil, as if I want my dick to fall off and rot away. I am so fucked up mentally, I can hardly focus on school or anything else anymore. I recently got an appartment and I hardly live there because I can't even take care of myself in this state. I just orgasmed in the sink. I have never felt this disgusting in my life. I am going to delete all of those apps right now and I am going to fucking pray. I'm going to pray that it doesn't happen again tomorrow, that I'll be able to focus on studying. Thanks for reading.
