this is me: quitting porn & quitting paying for sex

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by internationalcamper, Oct 26, 2017.

  1. internationalcamper

    internationalcamper Fapstronaut

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    Hello,

    Almost a year ago I resolved to quit using porn & managed to succeed for over two months. I was worried about impotence & my reliance on pornography for gratification over real life experiences. I was even using porn when I had a partner which really upset her and created all sorts of sexual disfunction, stress and anxiety that continues to this day.

    Since the beginning of 2017 I've tried on my own to avoid pornography and my habit is way way down -- though I aim for total abstinence -- I often break a streak within a week and then have a mini-bender. In my breaks I'd feel great but also rather sexless and unable to get aroused. I'd begin to worry I couldn't get an erection and then, would test myself, and find -- okay, with erotica, porn or other images I could. And then I'd slide...

    This has made me understand -- I'm an addict. Oddly, in my efforts to not masturbate to porn I quit using my regular masturbation portals like *tube and started getting into watching women stream live and even paying for the privilege. (In 20 years, I'd never paid for pornography on the internet) This also overlapped with a desire to use prostitutes -- something I'd done on occasion but in this year it has become a compulsion -- especially at times when I've managed to, say, go ten days without pornography. I never enjoy it, feel disgusting after and literally sick to my stomach. I can't afford it. It's unethical. I guess I tried to see it as a 'reward' for not using pornography but I'm starting to understand all of this is wrapped up together in a very unhealthy way.

    I travel a lot and am on my own a lot and I realize that being on my own & bored is one of my triggers. I notice that I will wander a city and, without seeking it, will often pass a gentlemen's club or 'sauna' or 'massage parlour'. I'll see escorts in a hotel bar or pass by hookers on the street. And then the thoughts and compulsions begin. Sometimes I act right away, sometimes I go home and masturbate and that takes the pressure off, sometimes I go home and just think about it and find an independent escort online after working myself up obsessively for a few days.

    I'm still working out my other triggers -- I can't tell if pornography leads to escorts or not yet. But I do want to quit both so maybe that doesn't matter. I know what I like is only the adrenaline rush of doing something illicit and potentially dangerous. The hour before an appointment is the best. The actual appointment and after is always a disappointment and today has lead to a day long depression. I recognize the impulse and the rush I get from prostitution is similar to the feeling I'd have when sneaking my father's pornography whenever the house was empty -- that feeling of risk is the same and mingles with sexual excitement in a way that is hard to achieve with a partner.

    Today I've joined this community (thank you) because last night I went on Tindr to see if maybe I could find a date for the night in this strange city. Recognising that there probably wouldn't be sex but I felt myself being pulled towards pornography or prostitution again. Since I'd paid only a week ago I was determined not to. Anyway, I matched a few people and one asked for my #. She immediately wrote and revealed she was working and asked if I'd like to have her come around. Instead of saying no -- I said I was 'mildly interested' ... and though I tried to find a date for the night instead, I ultimately caved. Nothing terrible happened -- well, nothing more terrible than what always happens (instant stomach sickness, regret, guilt and all of that) -- but I woke up at 3am unable to sleep. I thought about how much I'd paid this year, how every time I felt sad and disgusted. I thought how even though I knew it was wrong and would make me feel awful that I did it anyway. I thought, this needs to end.

    And so -- I begin. No more porn, no more prostitutes.

    I have many questions and things to work out and will begin my journal today.

    -- i'm wondering about the use of literary erotica (i have a feeling i should go 'no masturbation' here as i think even literary stuff is a trigger that sends my back to porn and escorts. but would be interested in any thoughts / forums.)

    -- i have a friend who likes sexting and sending me pics. i don't send any to her but write back when she's in the mood. i don't initiate it. somehow, this seems okay. one of the things i want is to be able to get an erection without touching myself and just from mental stimulus. though -- maybe the pictures would be considered pornography but since she's a former lover / friend / consenting adult I'm not sure. Also, I don't want to let her down. She seems to need the attention. Though -- maybe she's got an addiction problem too. no doubt, this will appear in my journal and others probably have the same issues.

    -- i need to put filters on my web browser. that feels like a big step. and delete my streaming account.

    okay ... that's me for now. thanks all for being here. i feel better already.

    IC
     
    kropo82 and Protagoras like this.
  2. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, I'm glad you're here!

    I know that story -- at least in part. In a prior job, I traveled A LOT and I too got into trouble. I didn't mess with escorts, but otherwise, I did go to porno shops (this was before the Internet was what it is today) and I did have a couple of anonymous encounters. One of the things I learned to do was to make a plan for how I would spend my off hours while traveling on business. I saw a lot of movies, shows and baseball games! (I also did some spiritual things; if you're interested, feel free to ask.)

    You ask about "literary erotica" and getting "sexting" messages from a friend. Personally, I think those are bad ideas; I don't see how they help you do what I think you want to do. It might be awkward to explain to your friend, but if she really is your friend, she will want to do what helps you be the best version of you.
     
  3. internationalcamper

    internationalcamper Fapstronaut

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    That's a great idea. I'm terrible at organizing my time constructively but realize such plans would be really beneficial to me. I'm going to try that more -- it should keep me out of trouble and save me wandering around aimlessly which only tends to bring me to one place.

    Good points re: erotica & sexting. Deep down, I know you're totally right.

    I'm interested in trying more mediation -- though I'm not too interested in organized religion at the moment. Though I understand that's a helpful path. Really appreciate your link and all the thought that went into it. I really need to work on a lot of things but I feel very firmly committed to this today and hope to reaffirm that commitment in the weeks and months to come. Thanks so much for the empathy, understanding and excellent advice.
     

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