Hi there fellow nofapsters-- First off, I just created this account as a form of accountability to myself that I am actually going to do this. I have heard about NoFap for some time, and periodically checked in over the past 2 years, but I have never really committed. On one hand, I knew my use of porn was killing my energy, mood, and overall excitement in life that I knew was a problem, but on the other hand, I didn't want to admit it to myself. I always downplayed it. But if I am being honest with myself, my view on life and overall mental state, especially throughout 2019, has been self-imposed misery. I don't want to trivialize true depression, but what I have experienced were the lowest lows that I never thought I would find myself in. I often have thoughts on suicide, not actually committing it, but reoccurring thoughts on the nature of it. There have been moments when I am having an "episode" where I say to myself I am going to do it, but it's usually something an exhaustive cry will take care of. However just today, I was reading something that triggered me and I decided that I was going to do it. I actually left the coffee shop and went home to create a will, write all my passwords to my accounts for my family, and paid off some of the debt I still have on my car. I didn't follow through with it, but it was a moment of realization that I really have a problem that I need help with, and I can't do it on my own. I know there are probably issues I need to deal with that are beyond not fapping, and I am going to set up a meeting with a therapist. I am making the commitment now, towards the later days of being 27, that I will not let PM allow me to slip into these depressive moods. Whether being 27 is relevant or not, it is forcing me to admit that what was probably supposed to be the most exciting, developing, growth decade of my life, is something that I honestly feel I wasted. I have not tried to meaningfully develop my career, make new friends, or date. I have a job that pays well and loving siblings and parents, which I know is a good hand to be dealt, but beyond that my life is pathetic. I have done so little with it, and it needs to change now. This reminds me of another period earlier in my life when I had to quit smoking weed in my early 20s. I started in my late teens so by the time I was in college, I pretty much became quiet and "not-myself" when I was high. The problem was that all my friends were just starting to use it so it was always around. The only way I overcame weed (and I know it is not addictive) was to treat it like a disease. I had to mentally tell myself that "although it may work for others, it is a disease when I do it." I had to mentally train myself to be disgusted with it, otherwise I would not have taken it seriously enough. Also I had to be okay with others doing it, cause it is not fair to impose your issues on them. I apologize for the lengthy and self-centric introductory post. But I want to make a promise to this community that I will not let PM get in the way of me building the life I want and I will do everything I can to motivate all of us to be better. For some reason, I feel stronger making the promise to you all than to myself, as I have been non-committal with many goals over the past few years, I almost don't believe myself anymore. I will set my initial goal for 90 days, so December 8th, I will abstain from PM. I will also schedule a meeting with a therapist this week. I look forward to supporting you all, and I will not stop until we all win. Thanks.