This will help you a lot

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Erick Pastora, Jan 29, 2018.

  1. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, I've found this advise very useful for approaching anxiety. I spent almost all of the past year watching 2 girls (one that works at my gym and one that works at my college's library) that I really really really wanted to talk to. This year, I've talked to both of them, I introduced myself and have become more confident. But why did I became able to talk to girls? I used a not at all new technique which has been misunderstood for a long time.

    I'm not going into generals about social anxiety because I already did it in another post, you can check it out here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/the-harsh-truth-about-social-anxiety.153354/

    But, going back to that advise that we've all had heard or read at least once and it is: worst case scenario. Everyone has heard the phrase "what's the worst thing that could happen?" which can be answered in many ways, but there is just one correct answer if the question is "what's the worst thing that could happen if I talk to that cute girl?".

    I want you to think very thoroughly of your answer to that question. Some will say something simple as "she says no", people who think more dramatically may think "she laughs at me", I'm guessing guys who think like Charlie Harper or Barney Stinson will say "she says yes and then marries you and cuts your balls, so you stop being happy forever".

    Think about this scenario: you're on the gym and see a hottie, you go talk to her and just say "hi", she looks at you from top to bottom and starts laughing, she then goes around telling everybody that you approached her and they all start laughing at you, you're not going to the gym again. Wait, but that isn't it. Those guys go tell everyone in school about it and the whole school laughs at you and say mean things. Maybe they go to the place you work and your boss not only thinks you're patethic but he also fires you because of that approach. You then go home and your family laughs at you. The news report that there's this pathetic guy who tried to approach a hottie at the gym and you can never show your face to the outside world again.

    News flash: that doesn't happen. How do you know? Everyone has their own goddam problems to be focusing on a guy hitting on a girl, an event that happens every minute of every day in the whole freaking world. You're not the only person who is afraid of social interaction, there are literally millions of guys just like you, who get nervous when they want to approach someone.

    Now, back to the question. I know most of you thought either she says no or she laughs at you. That's not really worst case scenario, the actual answer to the question "what's the worst thing that could happen if I talk to that cute girl?" is... you don't. That's right, the worst case scenario is you don't talk to her. She might like you back, she might be your new gf, she might give you some great new life experiences. Hell, she might be THE ONE. But, how could you know if you don't approach her? This is the truth guys: we LIVE in the worst case scenario.

    Remember guys, women are human beings and they also feel scared and insecure. Maybe she's even more insecure than you, maybe she's more excited than you are when you approach her.

    So, when you spot a girl you like and you start feeling scared, nervous, panicking, NEVER think you can't do it, because you can, nor think you'll do it tomorrow, because tomorrow you'll think the same thing and eventually tomorrow will become forever. Acknowledge your fear, remember which is the actual worst case scenario, think about a best case scenario which will also encourage you, and remember that just saying "Hi, my name is..." means success. If it starts going fine and the conversation flows your success is bigger, if you get her number/facebook/instagram your success is bigger, if you have sex with her your success is huge. Go with baby steps, introduce yourself and you're already in. If she says no, you already hit success just by approaching her, now it's time for the next girl with whom you have (in raw stats) a 50/50 chance of hitting it on. It's a numbers game, think about this: Ty Cobb has the all-time record for batting average in MLB which is .366, that means out of ten baseballs he only hit 3 or 4.

    Good luck guys.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2018
    Hitto, Tonytone, Mr. E and 22 others like this.
  2. SuperCy

    SuperCy New Fapstronaut

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    This is actually an awesome perspective on this dude. Thanks!
     
  3. kayesem

    kayesem Fapstronaut

    The worst is when she comes up and starts talking to you, and you kind of forget how to talk and freak out.

    Feels about as good as punching yourself in the nuts.

    Gotta stay open, forget about sex and just talk to people in general. Some of them will happen to be girls. I shall check the social anxiety link, cheers.
     
  4. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    That's the spirit, thank you!
     
  5. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    Hahaha if she talks to you, you already won! But yeah, it can be so surprising that you can't even go through all the steps.

    Exactly! If you stop having an agenda words will just flow out of your mouth. When you talk to people you know you don't have any agenda so you talk about anything. If you're too busy thinking about having sex with a girl worlds just won't come out because there's no one-word formula for you to get her to have sex with you. Turn the filter off.
     
    kayesem likes this.
  6. Abird

    Abird Fapstronaut

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    I once read something like this in an online arcticle. I do love the mindset, but reading it is pretty easy. The real struggle is doing it in real life!
    I asked on a few forms how girls would react when you would walk up and say "Hi, you look cute. I'm ..." or something like that and the were almost all negative. From don't approach people you do not know in public to girls get hit on so many times by bad guy that they ruin it for honest and nice guys.
    That got my mindset to not try it in real life. If you have a solution to get your mindset and deal with that struggle feel free to share it!
     
  7. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    This is actually a great question. You said you asked girls about how they felt about that kind of approach, but did you actually try it? The problem for people like us is that we are logical, we want it all figured out, but you can't have it figured it out. What you need is to go outside and try this yourself.

    The "Hi, you are cute, my name is..." approach is something interesting, because when you say you're cute you're implying that you like her and you're giving her approval right away from the first interaction. Remember this: you don't need girls approval, other than respecting their will of dating or not dating you, you don't need a girl to say yes to you or otherwise you'll want to die. Girls aren't perfect, they have to invest in the interaction too. True, guys are usually the ones to approach, but just cause you said hi and introduced yourself means you'll want to go out with her. First of all, you have to love thyself, because if you are a guy who's very confident about himself you'll project a natural vibe which will make you attractive to women. Make her qualify, ask her open questions were you imply she has to answer something cool so you'll like her and think she's great. When women are approach by guy they think projects a natural vibe they are thinking about what to say so the guy will like her.

    Go out there, strike out. Think about what you did wrong when you struck out, don't justify yourself by thinking girls are ruined for you because so many jerks have tried to hit on them. Approach with confidence, without already thinking which position you'll make in bed with her, make her invest in the interaction. Never try to hide your intent of you liking her, make her qualify so she has to show intent too. Stop thinking about girls as goddesses which have to approve you for who you are or how you approach them, instead be confident enough to show her you feel attracted and you're a guy with a penis who wants to have fun and she has to be fun enough for you to invest in her.
     
  8. Master Chips

    Master Chips Fapstronaut

    Thanks man! This article motivated me :) i saved it
     
  9. Abird

    Abird Fapstronaut

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    No i didn't try it. I do love the midset and i realy want to adapt to it. But something inside me doesn't feel the same. It's saying I need the perfect sentence to open the convo.
    I would go for something like "Hi, I just had to tell you that you are beautiful. What's your name?" What do you think about this one?
    Also when I see a girl I would like to get to know she is bussy. She is reading something on her phone/ listening to music or she is with a group of girls and sometime boys.
    When ever she is with boys I automatic assume she has a boyfriend or those boys are better in getting her than I would. I know this is self sabotage.

    Do you have any advice how to deal with those situations?
     
  10. John Msun

    John Msun Fapstronaut

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    This is a lovely mindset I like it and i could say one can put it to good use

    Stop over thinking the situation and approach the whole group start making jokes and ask to speak to her on the side and if anyone objects you've tried no one's gonna kill you for trying your luck but you've gotta ease your nerves. Life's all about fun and good times and a lot of people have that while over thinking kills the whole thing of socializing,cause you want to have a perfect opener and a perfect ending followed by fireworks. That's not the truth you go there and start making a conversation the rest will fall into place.

    Hope you find this helpful.
     
  11. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    Ok, let me tell you I'm no expert, so I don't have all the right answers. I'll try to help you but I don't really guarantee it'll work a hundred percent.

    This is your comfort zone, this is fear talking to you. Fear is your biggest test towards success. There's no perfect sentence, sorry but I won't lie to you.

    It may or it may not, only if you try it you'll know for sure. Remember, when a girl rejects you she's not rejecting YOU, but your approach to her. Try this one: "Hey, I just saw you from over there and I absolutely had to talk to you because I think you're the cutest girl here, what's your name?". See, when you're saying you're the cutest girl HERE you imply not only that you're availabe, but also that she has to qualify, she has to be good enough for you to keep pursuing her. Try that one, I would say at least 12 or 15 times. Maybe you'll get 5 dates, maybe 3, maybe just 1, but remember that you have to keep trying and not take rejection as something personal.

    I would say if you see her busy and alone, like reading or in her phone, make eye contact first if you can and smile, then approach. If she's really concentrated don't stare at her until she looks at you, it will seem creepy. In that case just approach her from the front so she can notice you even before you talk and just say "Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt but..." and say something clever like, if you're at the coffee shop just tell her you don't know that place and ask her for what she thinks is good or ask about the book she's reading, or compliment her on something non sexual like "Your hair looks beautiful, do you use any special products on it?" or "I really like your shoes, I want to get one pair of those for my sister" (assuming you have a sister). You can talk about literally anything.

    About groups, I don't know you but I think you may be too shy to talk to groups alone. I'm the same so I know how it is. The solution is to bring friends. If you're on the club or at a bar and see a group of girls go with your wingmen, and everyone in your group should talk to everyone in her group, be it guys or gals. If you can bring girls along with your group better, so you're not a bunch of desperate guys. If you decide to go solo, approach from the front, don't go from behind the group just to talk to that girl. You'll probably have to make friends with the guys in the group so instead of them seeing you as a threat to their friend, you can be a cool guy that her friends want her to date. This may help: instead of waiting for her to split from the herd, wait for a guy to split from the herd and you can talk to the guy about anything "Hey this place is great isn't it?", "Great night, right?", "What's up?", "Did you see the game?" or whatever. Make guy talk, find the most sociable guy in the group and talk to him, he'll probably then introduce you to the rest of the guys. Talk to everyone in the group and after talking to them you approach the girl "Hey I didn't catch your name, sorry" and then you can talk to her without the pressure of her friends protecting her.
     
  12. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    I forgot one thing about solo approach, if you're going with "I think you are..." don't use beautiful because it's overplayed. Use something more creative because girls like smart sophisticated guys so you can use "enchanting" or "ravishing" something she hasn't heard yet.
     
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  13. Abird

    Abird Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your insight. I won't call it overthinking, but more getting familair with a situation so i know what to do.

    I want to thank you for your great explanation! I think it is fear for the unknown or fear that she says: "Go away creep, idiot , etc" when you say that sentence you came up with.
    So thanks again for your mindset, which i truly love but something inside me will hold me back to try it.
     
  14. I think this is the best advice I've ever read on this forum about anxiety with approaching people. Thanks man!
     
  15. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    @Abird I know the feeling of not wanting to approach a situation unprepared and failing cause you messed up in a silly way. But what you gotta realise is that like most things in life, social skills are learned. Approaching a girl is like learning to ride a bike(bicycle). Some people fall, others are naturals, but eventually everyone can learn it, IF THEY WANT TO.
    I used the example of learning a bike is cause I learned it when I was a teen. I had a nasty fall while I was learning as a kid and broke my arm. It scarred me mentally and I refused to even try. But when, from insistence from my PE teacher and his help, I learned it when I was around 13 and it was awesome. I loved it. I own a sports motorbike now :D
    I believe the same is possible with approaching women. You get over your fear and practise and you'll go from being rejected to having girls CHASING you. Another tip: Approach girls with the aim of practising in mind. Keep an eye out for situation. Don't think that, Oh this is it, I can't fail at this! That's a bad mindset. Accept failure and move on.
     
  16. Abird

    Abird Fapstronaut

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    That's pretty nice! I think the same as you that you can learn it. But I have no idea when the moment is there.

    Sometimes I see a girl I would like to get to know, but most of time they are bussy as i mentioned.
    Listening to music with earphones in, watching movie , talking with other girls or talking with other boys where I assume thats her bf.
     
  17. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    Listen, I get it. It's frustrating, being on the spot and your mind telling you not to do it. I've been there (still sometimes), I'm an overthinker just like you. Sometimes is just easier to get pleasure from PMO or any other self rewarding thing, but aim for success. If you see a girl you like, don't think about acting, act. Your mind can be your worst enemy, turn it off. Make a list of things you really enjoy that bring out a smile out of you and think about them when you're feeling afraid. Before acting take a deep breath, act as quickly as you can and don't let yourself down because of the opinion of one girl. If you start acting and talking to girls you don't know I absolutely guarantee you'll feel great, even if you don't hit it off, there's success in taking action. Then you'll want more of it and will start getting results. Be decisive, act, be an alpha.
    I really wish I could be with you in person so I can help you, but this is the best I've got.

    I'm rooting for you!
     
  18. I gotta tell you all: I never approached a girl before, it always scared a hell of me before, but this year I want to be different and I will try to learn social skills. I'm feeling confident enough to think about it and try, but I can still some social anxiety and my fear taking over me. Thank you for sharing these amazing tips.
     
  19. Mattsfreedom

    Mattsfreedom Fapstronaut

    I may never be able to talk to a girl now, for fear of laughing in her face about this.:emoji_laughing: Thanks I was struggling with this exact thinking today.
     
  20. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    Check this out. I had this experience. I learned a lot from it, but what I didn't expect was the insane confidence and self-esteem boost.
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...perience-in-europe.101488/page-2#post-1171018

    EDIT: fixed link
     

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