Thoughts on 30 day in house separation????

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Queenie%Bee, Jun 22, 2019.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I may need some help navigating this . My boys are 17,21 . They’ll become suspicious the first night . Dad NEVER sleeps on the couch . Ugg
    Any and all advice appreciated
     
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  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps they are old enough to know the truth. How do you feel about that?
     
  3. I have to agree on suggesting the truth to a degree. Our oldest son is 15 and he accidentally picked up my phone thinking it was his and saw this site open.

    He panicked and said "I didn't do anything". I went outside to tell @Mourde what happened.

    Mourde had a long talk with him, just the guys, and told him his addiction and what it's done to me and him.

    Mourde said it was THE hardest thing he ever did. And he's been through losing friends in wars, watching his mom die a very slow and painful death and so much more.

    Mourde was terrified it would ruin his relationship with his son. And our son asked questions and they cried and at the end, our son hugged Mourde and said he was there anytime he wanted to talk and understood the gravity of PMO now.

    He also said now he understands "why mom went nuts sometimes".

    Since then, our son has been amazing in opening up to us and respecting women like no guy I've ever met before. He's changing the way so many of his friends on the football team view girls and started a movement of sorts.

    And Mourde has that accountability to step up as a father and mentor to his son.

    It's just my opinion but, it worked here for us.

    My heart aches for your situation and we've been praying for you all. -hugs to you-
     
  4. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    I have to say my heart sunk that day when my wife told me what happend and that I needed to talk to him about it. I was scared for sure but afterwards i felt alot better and I was surprised how understanding and supportive my son was and we didnt just talk about my addiction we discuss how women want to be treated and I was also surprised how he felt about that also!

    After a certain age I think it is helpful to have this talk, that way they dont make the same mistakes the rest of us guys make!
     
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  5. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    17 and 21 year old males are already watching porn themselves.
     
  6. I can't disagree. Ours was heading in that path. One daughter of ours was at 13 as well. Technology sucks as an enabler for this junk :(
     
  7. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    That is all the more reason to have a talk with them!
     
  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Honesty is the best policy. We told my sons and his one daughter. Although they were sad, and shocked...they all remained supportive.
     
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  9. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I have to agree that open honesty is an option to give serious consideration to. I think knowing the truth would be better than the confusion of not knowing what's going on and why the drastic changes. And, as others have said, it's important for them to know just how damaging and hurtful P can be, now, while they have the opportunity it to avoid what we've all gone through. I bet a lot of PA's wish they'd have been more aware 10 or 20 years ago.

    I'm sorry you even have to make decisions like this. Wishing you strength and peace no matter which path you choose.
     
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  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    This is what I tried to avoid .
    My brother just texted me , my oldest (almost 21)
    “Are my parents fighting cuz mom slept at aunties and dad on couch for 2 days”
    He responded with “ talk to your parents “
    Ugg I don’t want to hurt my boys hearts .
     
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You aren't hurting them. He is. But by telling them the truth, you are giving them some peace of mind instead of wondering what is going on and constant worry. Yes, they'll still have some of that, but they will have some understanding and context of it. They are old enough.

    We told our daughter at 18 for a couple of reasons. 1. To explain a lot that was going on. 2. She is dating and inevitably this is going to come up along the road. 3. She went to college and was going to see a lot of things she had never seen before. It helped her understand a lot and she appreciated us being honest with her.
     
  12. I know as parents we want to protect them always but they are young adults now. Our biggest fear was our son looking at his dad in a bad way. It ended up being the very opposite of what we feared and just as @EyesWideOpen said, I agree. If we don't work to break the cycles in our youth and educate them we aren't protecting them.

    Prayers and hugs to you and your boys from me.
     
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  13. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    @Qnb42078 Fight The New Drug has a free 7 day access to a 3 part 30 min each documentary about how porn affects tje heart, the brain, and the world. Ir is really good-no triggers and is suitable for teens. This might be a good time to watch it with yoyr boys and let them know why dad is sleeping on the couch (limited detail of course "dad has a problem with P we are trying to work through it. he hurt my feelings and I need space so he will give me some for the next 30 days). I think this is a good opportunitu to educate yoyr boys and frankly I think they are old ebough to k ow a bit about what is happening in their home. They prob already know more tgan you think.
     
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  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    That’s what I should have done in 16’ when I found the nine year old hidden laptop . But once again I put him first and hid his dirty little secrets like I always did . I now can not tell them we are working to get through it . How bout this :
    Your dad crossed a boundary I had . The consequences for said boundary is 30 day in house separation? Any more questions ask your dad ???
     
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  15. Good plan :) I told @Mourde flat out when ours saw the site up: deal with it.
     
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  16. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    It was a good consequence and accountability for me, plus it opened my eyes wider to the damage I cause!
     
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  17. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Why do you say "I now can not tell them we are working to get through it ." Why not? Why can't you tell them? Why is this different than 2016? You say you should have told them then, why not now? Not trying to be pushy just not understanding why yoy feel you can't tell them.
     
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  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    No I meant , it’s a lie . There isn’t a “we” . I myself would feel like a liar if I said we are working on things , change it up to we are going through something? I would hate to give them hope I almost just want to keep it short and simple for their sake .
     
  19. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Ok then sh
    I see. Could you show them the documentary and say your dad continues to choose this over me and I need space from him. Done.
     
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I would consider it yes . But my therapist said it is his job to tell them the why ? If he chooses to do so
     

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