Thoughts on casual sex

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by SkinnyBeard, Jun 9, 2016.

  1. SkinnyBeard

    SkinnyBeard Fapstronaut

    507
    447
    63
    Hm... interesting topic, I dare say. At least for me. Small background info about me and my motivation. I began NoFap a little over a year ago, after I came to realize that the problems in bed I experienced were ED and whatsmore porn induced ED. Since that day I had streaks with varying success, one being even 100+ days long.

    So, from the start, performing "better" in bed and actually having sex was my primary motivation for doing NoFap. Now, the last time I had sex was roughly a year ago, some 30 days into that 100 days streak mentioned above. Short story long, it was the worst sex of my life. Every porn induced problem you could imagine happened, and said episode stays alive pretty vivid in my memory.

    So here is my actual question. In the last 3-4 days I noticed a huge increase in libido and I am talking about actual libido here, desire to mate and not get my porn dopamine kick. But what are your thoughts on satisfying that libido with casual sex (asuming I will get so far as getting laid, but that is another question). Because what I notice is that this "hunt" for a potential one night stand partner is in aspects very similiar to your average PMO session.

    As a rule of thumb it is agreed that real sex > porn, but what really are your thoughts on this? I understand the situation if someone has agreed to not have sex, for reasons of social anxiety or shyness or whatever. I on the other hand have a different goal, I want to have sex, I want to overcome that anxiety, I want to have a sexual life.

    What are you guys thoughts on this topic? Have you faced similiar questions and how have you answered them?

    TL;DR: 50+ days into a streak, want to have sex which would simbolize the vicotry over my shyness and anxiety to ask girls out. Your thoughts on this matter.
     
    strongman likes this.
  2. IGY

    IGY Guest

    I think you are experiencing a blip in the flatline. My advice would be to accept how you feel but do not act on it. It will pass quickly and then you can continue with your reboot. Having actual sex before it is completed is counterproductive IMHO.
     
  3. RunJumpDunk

    RunJumpDunk Fapstronaut

    45
    16
    8
    i was thinking just like you during my 62 days streak.In my opinion NoFap is a way of stop porn and stop objectifying women , so if you want to have sex just for the pleasure is bad though if you want to connect mentally with a woman with sex is good
     
  4. SkinnyBeard

    SkinnyBeard Fapstronaut

    507
    447
    63
    @SnL
    Agree, but to a certain extent. Wasn't there some stuff on YBOP that said that having real sex actually helps rewiring your brain for it to get "used" to the real thing and forget PMO? Though I might be wrong about this.

    @RunJumpDunk
    I don't objectify woman. Or at least I don't think I do. The way I get it, objectifying a woman means narrowing her down to only one "purpose", to use her as an "object" to satisfy your own sexual needs. That's like a textbook approach to objectifying. I can't say that I look at woman only in that way. I see her personality and her thoughts, and she interests me as a person and I care, but I also want to have sex. And I also want her to enjoy the sex, too. Does this still count as objectifying? I am kinda not sure.
     
  5. I say go for it. Unless they're paid hookers, go for it. Just think in advance, if you can't get it up, don't beat yourself into a depression and relapse like there's no tomorrow, don't over think it. Furthermore you need to take into account the chaser effect. If you manage to have sex and O from it you must be prepared to face the urges to release yourself that come and stay a few days after you O. If you're mentally strong you should be able to fend them off. Just look at the bigger picture: if you succumb to the effect and PMO you'll feel like the lowliest pos on earth, and ask yourself this, "is it really worth to trade 2 seconds of 'high' for a much longer period of disappointment, depression, sadness and a reset of my progress?"
     
    SkinnyBeard likes this.
  6. Faptomist

    Faptomist Fapstronaut

    50
    21
    8
    Just do what you want mate. If you want to have casual sex do it because otherwise your letting nofap control your life instead of porn. You need to think are you going to wait for the perfect girl and marry her? Because in my opinion the only way you can find the perfect girl is by being with a range of women otherwise you'll find a girl and think she's right for you, which I have done in the past. I look back now and realise all her values etc were not perfect and clashed with mine but it took me meeting a lot more women to realise that.

    When you meet and sleep with women your confidence will also increase and you'll feel good about Yourself aswell.
     
    strongman and SkinnyBeard like this.
  7. Faptomist

    Faptomist Fapstronaut

    50
    21
    8
    And the ed issues probably have a lot to do with being nervous not just nofap so the more your in sexuall encounters the more comfortable you'll be and after time it will sort itself put
     
  8. Micah Marshall

    Micah Marshall Fapstronaut

    32
    26
    18
    I come from a Christian perspective, but even if you don't align with those beliefs at least give me your listen. Sex is meant to be within marriage because it creates the strongest intimate relationship that two human beings can possibly have together. When you treat sex like it is some kind of casual sport and hook up with different girls, you are literally killing your own body. Pornography is the same exact way and if you look at your issues that you had with that versus casual sex it's pretty easy to see the parallels. So I would recommend that you truly reevaluate yourself and look for that one person to have an intimate relationship with instead of a collection of pleasurable experiences because those will never get you anywhere except in more depression.
     
    strongman and Simon Shy like this.
  9. grffn

    grffn Fapstronaut

    208
    139
    43
    My opinion is casual sex is fine but under certain conditions. First of all be aware that it could lead to PMO or at least MO. Be wary of the chaser effect. Second, it should be with someone who you have a connection/attraction/intimacy with, even if its just a one night stand. I know that some of my lowest moments have been getting drunk and finding girls who I have zero interest in just to have sex with them so that I wouldn't masturbate. But it's pretty much the same as masturbating and it always leads to feelings of guilt and shame and ultimately PMO.
     
  10. GSarosi

    GSarosi Guest

    If during the reboot/rewire journey you get to do the sweaty horizontal monkey dance, you are in much better position (pun intended) if you focus on her pleasure. She comes first and she comes more than you do. Like a 5 to 1 ratio. Or you don't even come at all. Yeah I know it is frustrating. Oh hell I had to put a really amazing girl in the damn friend zone when I am doing this reboot/rewire. Ugh......
     
    Phibes and SkinnyBeard like this.
  11. Phibes

    Phibes Fapstronaut

    14
    1
    3
    And what do you do if/when you find yourself getting hot and heavy with a lady and the words "sweaty horizontal monkey dance" suddenly pop into your head and then you can't stop laughing?
     
  12. GSarosi

    GSarosi Guest

    It means you get to know your path and hopefully you know how to walk it.
     
  13. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Yes. But not in the earlier stages of your reboot. That is why I said that IMHO, @ 50+ days you would be better off continuing hard mode for the time being. :)
     
  14. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

    483
    1,064
    123
    In my opinion, using casual sex to satisfy the sexual desire is at least as bad as M or P. It's putting your energy and time into something that's intended only to give you a short self-esteem boost/a shoot pleasure boost, but is actually intended NOT to create something of lasting value for anyone involved. Actually, it's worse than M or P, because at least with those you are only risking hurting one person-you. With casual sex you are risking both (or all-if there's more) people involved, broken hearts, unwanted pregnancies, babies without a stable home life and loving parents, STDs...

    Not to mention the points made by other people that the dopamine stimulation will possibly screw up your reboot, at the moment.

    This is just my perspective, coming from someone who used to have quite a bit of casual sex (and staunchly supported it as a lifestyle choice), but it really does drain your spirit in the long run :( The sickening feeling I get remembering each instance, where I used them, and let them use me...The unwanted, intangible bonds with people who didn't care about me, or who I didn't even like...I agree with Micah Marshall that it is basically killing your body. Sex just simply isn't made to be something casual and no strings attached. People's hearts, vulnerabilities, most intimate, raw, personal traits are involved. Ultimately, the end result of sex is a new baby-definitely not a tiny responsibility. I think it takes more from your body and life than people can understand with concrete rationality. Because yes, if you are thinking about it logically, it's like "if I consent to do this and they consent to do it too, and we are careful with protection to minimize the risks, what's the problem? Sex is just like anything else in life, right? We can make it what we choose-just like a walk in the park or a ball game, just another fun activity. It doesn't have to have any serious meaning if we don't want it to." But the consequences of sex go so much deeper than anything we can rationally grasp, or control.

    But, this is just my belief. It may be true for me, and still not be true for anyone else. Ultimately, only YOU know what choice to make.
     
  15. SkinnyBeard

    SkinnyBeard Fapstronaut

    507
    447
    63
    Wow, so many replies :D

    Totally agree with @Faptomist These are all objectives which I want to achieve by doing this.

    Now @Micah Marshall I get your point. I do. And I don't argue with anything you said about sex being the closest form of a (physically) intimate relationship two people can do. But that's the "high" form of sex, if we can call it that way. Sex with a loved one, sex with that one person you care about. It's great, yeah, but it's still sex. Sex in itself can be good. Or not? Correct me if I'm wrong, but our bodies are physiologically designed to enjoy the act of sex. It's a basic primitive instinct, we were shaped to have sex long before any religion appeared. And I mean no offense here, just stating that sex is sex regardless of how you look at it. Sex with a loved one is great, but that's not what were talking about here. I was more thinking about casual sex.

    @grffn Yeah, I would totally like to avoid the masturbation scenario, I totally get what you mean.

    @hisoka4 Oh, interesting to see a POV from the other side, I appreciate it. But if I may make myself clear about my thoughts on this topic. The "short self-esteem boost / pleasure boot" are exactly what I'm looking for. Which I think, we both agree are a good thing. I agree that casual sex is not intented to create something meaningful. However I don't see why that is a bad thing. Honestly, I understand what you're saying, but I seem to kind of lose the right line when you switch from aproving of casual sex to disaproving. If you use someone and feel bad afterwards, than casual sex (I guess) is not for you. Or stop feeling like you use someone. It appears to me that this whole casual sex thing is really about the attitude with which you approach it and about finding the other person who shares your views. Maybe you just didn't think about it as "casual" anymore? Obviously meaning no offense here, hope you understand my point.

    So, yeah, from the looks of it I'll just have to go the trial-and-error route. It appears as though my libido is returning to normal again and hopefelly I am going to switch my attention a little bit off the sex radar and focus on socializing. I don't know. We'll see :D
     
  16. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

    483
    1,064
    123
    No, I don't think the short self-esteem boost is a good thing. It's an addictive behavior, because it's something that will temporarily fill a need of yours, but be bad for you in the long run (and possibly bad for someone else). So it's really no better than P and M.

    Like I tried to say, I used to have the attitude that casual sex was just fine. All about the attitude, like you said. I believed that if both I and the person involved agreed to it, it wouldn't be using. We were both honest with each other and expected the same thing each time when we agreed to it. But my point is, it takes something from your spirit in a way that goes deeper than we can rationally understand. It takes something away from you, and from the other partner. Call it something spiritual, if you like. And my point was you can't control that outcome of casual sex. Sex just isn't made to be casual. There are always consequences.

    These are my experiences, and just my thoughts. It's up to you to do what you feel is right for your own body, of course.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.

Share This Page