Thoughts on ED and Performance Anxiety...Tips anyone?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by thel00ker, Mar 3, 2017.

  1. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

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    Feeling a bit tense and turned on today, mi worries about ED keep me checking if I get horny about this or that, what happens if I touch myself etc. I feel like I have very unrealistic views about what turns me on. I feel like I don't know my own body and what activates it.
    Before, my body was continually stimulated by porn but now its difficult to understand and translate what my body is asking for. It used to be a hot video, but now that that type of content is gone my brain seems to be struggling to find something to replace it with.
    I get the same feeling when i'm with a real girl, luckily I have been having sex with a girl I knew in the summer and lost my virginity to. It's been great, but many times I've had ED. She has been understanding with the whole thing.
    After a few minutes of kissing , (foreplay) etc, I feel lost and completely immersed in thoughts and expectations about how I should be performing. this is very annoying. Everything seems to get back online after we talk about it and I start focusing on how she is reacting to my touch etc, but I realize that even though I like her I don't really know what turns me on. I don't know if there should be something specific that turns me on.
    I guess porn conditioned me to react to specific images instead of whole situations and body sensations. My guess is that I'll have to watch my body decide what it is a turn on and whats not. It's difficult to learn this new language.
    Next week I'm going back to the city and seeing her again. I'm worried about how things will turn out and i'm hoping everything will work fine. I'm just very annoyed that instead of being with her and enjoying her body I loose focus and start to constantly analyze how MY body is responding to hers. I don't think thats the way its supposed to work.
    These are some things that have helped me before when ED or performance anxiety kicks in:
    • Talking about it and telling her her to have some patience...This relaxes me and takes tension out.
    • Focus on her body and how she is reacting.
    • Pay attention to how she feels, smells, tastes..This helps me focus on what i'm doing instead on how should I'd be doing it
    • Understanding that having an erection is not the goal of the whole situation, only to have fun and enjoy each other
    These things sometimes help me out and relax me enough util I have an erection, after that i'm usually able to perform well. I'm afraid of what will happen next week, can't seem to stop thinking about it and that anxiety takes me closer to a relapse.

    What Ideas do you have about it?
     
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  2. 1520617453

    1520617453 New Fapstronaut

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    Kissing and cuddling is not sex. They are the romantic part of your relationships, so don't be desperate if you don't get rock hard erection from them.

    It is rather obvious that the main obstacle to the real life sexual pleasure is your fear and focusing on absolutely wrong things.

    And you won't overcome this fear by telling or even screaming to your penis - "come on, get up!".......instead.....all you have to do is to visualize your sexual contact before real sex............what are those things that you really would like to do with your girlfriend and that would give you the biggest arousal........how you would like to kiss her - would it be gentle, nasty or playful kiss or sequence of all three....how you would like to look at her....how you would like to look in her eyes......what words you would like to tell her.....with what intonation.....how you would like to show your admiration about your girlfriend's body when you undress her......how you would like to touch her....where you would like to touch her.....how you would like to do her......with what intensity.....etc......if you will visualize this all several times before sex......your fear still will be there......but in dramatically smaller amounts........because you'll already know what to do.......

    And the most important thing....in each and every moment of sex you must only think (or more precisely - feel deep inside of you) what is the next action that will bring you the biggest sexual pleasure......and just do it......
     
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  3. myownlanguage

    myownlanguage Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I recognize everything you said. I also have performance anxiety and that makes it extremely hard for me to get wet. Even before going to see someone I'm worrying "will I be able to get wet enough?", and even when we're kissing I'm feeling myself to check whether I'm already wet and I panic when that's not the case (which is practically always). And I panic when they move their hands in my pants because I feel like they want to check how horny I am and that stresses me out. As a girl at least I can use spit or lube, but it's obvious. The guy knows and it's humiliating. I also don't know anymore what really turns me on. I think what would help me now is just... nothing. Rebooting and then seeing how my body will react to real life situations. I hope you're feeling better already. I wish you all the best and good luck on your journey.
     
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  4. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

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    Very interesting to have a girls perspective on this issue.
    I explained this a bit further in my journal. I went to a therapist to talk about it, and after some new experiences the issue faded away almost completely. I just have to focus on the other person and realize there is no actual REAL reason for me not having an erection. And most important the erection is not what matters. I realized that foreplay, enjoying other person's body, kissing are things that turn me on.
    I realized that in cases of extreme anxiety I just have to trust myself, and try to make the other person feel pleasure, making body contact, hugging, smelling. Getting an erection is not the objective. And getting wet is not yours. When I trust myself completely that I will have an erection eventually, it just happens.

    For me talking about it with my partner helped a lot, Meditation helped the most, specially mindfulness. Helps my stay in the moment and focus on my body and the other person instead of my thoughts. Abstaining from masturbation helped me get more horny during the days i'm not with my girl, The moment I see her I get to try all the things I've been fantasizing about the days before, its great.

    Remember, there is no real reason for you not to get wet, getting wet is not obligatory.
    If it's any comfort, if I was about to have sex with a girl and she told me :
    'hey I sometimes find it difficult to relax, I want to have sex with you but it may take some time for me to get in the mood'
    I wouldn't mind at all, I would also try to make her relax, touch her. Seriously is not a big deal. If you need lube, use lube, who cares, well at least I wouldn't, I would find it interesting and fun to use.

    I don't know if this helps. Just trust that your body will respond accordingly. And make it feel horny by touching, kissing licking, biting haha, whatever. I assure you that sex will stop being a stressful situation.

    I am a very mental person that always thought I was in control of my body, realizing that i'm not and just letting go in order to start paying attention to what turns me on etc helped me relax.

    Hope you realize that your mind is making an issue out of something that doesn't exist. good luck!
     
    struggle27 likes this.
  5. TetsuoAkira

    TetsuoAkira Fapstronaut

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    If you have an understanding partner, be grateful.

    Perhaps simply kiss each other, focusing on the element of foreplay and feeling each other all over, though not escalating to sex or stimulation.

    I've found with my on/off performance anxiety, kissing has been a gateway that I've long neglected, but thoroughly enjoy during intimacy.
     
    thel00ker likes this.
  6. myownlanguage

    myownlanguage Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much, it's the first time I feel like the advice I get is specifically for my situation. I have never been able to talk about this. I'm so glad for you that your issue has disappeared almost completely. Your advice makes it clearer for me what I should do. First of all, I should stop having sex with people I don't really feel much for. Second of all, stop watching porn and masturbating. I've been having a lot of urges recently, and just having these urges I get wet. I shouldn't be thinking about whether it would be wet enough. If I have sex (which probably won't be anytime soon) I'll try to just live in the moment, think about what I like, and I hope I'll be able to trust my body to do the rest.

    Thanks also for what you said about if a girl told you she has trouble relaxing. It really is a comfort for me. Sharing my 'problem' and my partner understanding that would definitely help me to relax. Thank you so much again. I'm looking forward to really enjoying sex again!
     
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  7. brother89

    brother89 Fapstronaut

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    I'm going to tell you an experience I had and I sill don't understand it very well, but I think it may help.

    I definitely have PIED. But for almost 2 years I could have normal health sex with my ex GF without struggle. Today Im single and back with PIED and perform anxiety.

    I try to remember how I managed to get hard in the past and one thing I can tell for sure: I didn't think much. I just acted impulsively. It was something beyond thoughts, more like an instinct.

    I think thats what reboot does. It brings your natural instinct of reproducing back to normal.

    Well, I know is hard to understand, but sometimes being racional doesn't actually help.

    Keep rebooting and go slow with self-demands. Enjoy your apprehensible partner.

    TIP:Forget you need a dick for pleasuring a lady (believe me dude).
     
    thel00ker likes this.
  8. mwansy

    mwansy Fapstronaut

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    Ah man I literally suffer from the same exact thing as you but minus the girlfriend and just add whatever current female I'd be talking to. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! just wanted to tell you that. I get so nervous when I am with a woman I like that it's literallt All I think about we'll be kissing taking off our clothes and I'm here like "damn why is my dick not hard yet damn what if she wants to have sex right away damn what if it gets hadd but doesn't stay that way." It helps to know others fight the same battle so just letting u know
    Also I found that upping things in the bedroom helps temporally what I mean is let's say you are not used to using dirty word you may try it and move it up a notch which creates a new kink in ur brain thus turning you on.
    The only drawback to this is that it is temp as i just said and you'll start defaulting to only that
     
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  9. mwansy

    mwansy Fapstronaut

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    this is so true a great way to help with anexity ED is to just let your body go to it's primal state don't question anything just let it flow
     
  10. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

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    My pleasure! I hope you and all the people struggling with enjoying sex find the way to reconnect with it again.!
     
  11. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

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    Good advice,
    Remembering that once I was turned on by the same situation and realizing nothing has changed now always helps me quiet the mind.
    thanks!
     
  12. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

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    haha yeah I get the same thoughts...even though nothing is happening : 'what if she want's to fuck right now, am I ready for that?' even the thought makes no sense, It creeps into your mind. You can always take your time and take the time to turn yourself on, just trusting that you will and exploring the other persons body always helps..
    Its interesting that you mention using dirty words, i did it sometimes, in my mind at least, and helped to create a new bond.
     

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