Thoughts on sexy pics?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by CastleBlack, Apr 16, 2018.

  1. CastleBlack

    CastleBlack Fapstronaut

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    What are your thoughts on sending sexy pics of yourself to your PA? I am an exhibitionist and have always enjoyed sending nude or semi nude pics to my husband. My PA's main addiction problem isn't exactly porn but we both agree that porn is an issue and tends to escalate to his primary problem.

    My question is - do you think sexy self pics are too much of a temptation toward porn? He says he wants to focus on me and says that my pics are not a problem but I feel like it's like laying out the first line of cocaine... Just one isn't going to be enough. And obviously since it isn't a new thing for me to do, the pics of me alone were never enough. Sorry I'm rambling now but it's hard for me to articulate this thought but I would like the perspective of others on this subject.
     
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  2. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    I'm a PA, and I used to keep pictures of my wife with me when I knew that I was going to be using a computer. In theory it makes sense that I would use those instead, but it always ended up leading me down a worse path. I think the thing is, for me at least, and possibly your husband, is we need to get to a point where we aren't stimulated by pictures, but we are stimulated by the real thing, the real person. Looking at a picture, the only way to "do anything about it" is to M, which in itself (I think) is unhealthy and will just lead to relapse.

    If you like to do that type of thing, I'm sure there is something similar you can do when he is there. Or perhaps take pictures but only show them to him when he's actually there with you? That can be a type of foreplay maybe. I'm not sure, but I bet you can find a fun way to be an "exhibitionist" while he's actually there with you.
     
  3. Bananas

    Bananas Fapstronaut

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    I would have to agree with you there as it does lead to one more thing - particularly as there is always the case of what is the next heightened or worsened step? Really good idea that last bit

    I would have to think that sexy pics are a temptation - particularly if as said above it is not with you as you don't control the circumstances or context.

    Also what is his main addiction if you don't mind me asking. Mine isn't porn per se - like a Psub - but anything related to an attractive image will also trigger me and my addiction, particularly if it is my addiction or fetish. Anyway hope that helps - I guess I would need to know the context or a bit more detail - Best of Luck!
     
  4. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    As an ex SO, in my situation they were a problem, and led to relapse. THe issue is to the addict sexy pictures and porn are so linked to their O that they need them in order to do so. While it is you in the picture, you are not there and you want to encourage him to move his O and attraction to a real person. It sucks becuase I know it is something that you enjoy and it means diminishing your own pleasure>. But if he truly has issues, you need to accept that this is likely how your sex life is going to be, meaning not sending sexy pics is not a temporary thing, it’s permanent. We all have our baggage and issues, so maybe this one is okay with you. But if he’s trying to recover you do need to do whatever it takes to make things work with him if he wants to truly recover. If you have needs beyond what he can provide, then you need to assess that and thereis nothing wrong with putting you first. Good luck!
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My PA used my pictures I sent as a Jumpstart to lead to porn.
    I was always the comedian who came out before the band, if you know what I mean.
    I insisted he delete them and stopped sending them.
    I refuse to be the comedian and not the main event!
     
  6. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    @CastleBlack you pose an interesting question that I too myself have asked. Here.

    What I gather is there isn't a 1-size-fits-all solution, since we are all individually unique. Best advice I have is to be safe.
     
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  7. I think this would be my situation. Basically I don’t think it helps to be thinking of things that arouse you when your wife isn’t there, even if you are thinking of her. It’s just a frustration at that point.
    And if you M while fantasizing about her, it’s a fantasy, not her. So I couldn’t do that and be recovering really.
    Maybe the same for him?
     
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  8. CastleBlack

    CastleBlack Fapstronaut

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    I guess we're still undecided as to whether M is a problem? I don't really mind that, and I do (though I never use porn and it's largely because it helps me fall asleep). I know that he has M'd since getting caught deep in relapse about a month ago but it was to an old topless pic I sent him. He admitted to M'ing to that pic (after I asked about it) but claims he didn't look at any porn/additional pics.

    His main addiction is that watching porn will escalate to posting on CL soliciting for sex. He's been dealing with the CL issue possibly since the beginning of our relationship (2006) but at least since 2007. I've never been a big fan of porn but I never banned it until recently. He got caught in relapse in April of 2016, we did a couple therapy sessions then but were unable to continue. I thought he was managing on his own and when I asked him around the beginning of this year he said he had been off CL but admitted to porn. Then mid-March I discovered that was untrue and that he had in fact been posting since June 2017. At the time of discovery we both decided that he needs to stop looking at porn altogether (I asked him to stop porn at the beginning of the year as well :-/ ).

    What is it about just M that is a problem as long as there's no porn? If I ask him to stop M'ing does that mean I need to stop too? We have a 3 y/o and another one due in June, plus we both work full-time so it's difficult to have sex. One or both of us is either too tired or we don't have the privacy. He said upon getting caught that he does it sometimes because he's "not getting enough sex" or because we're fighting. Obviously those are not valid reasons and they are "issues" that aren't going away and (at least the former) will only get worse with another kiddo on the way. I'm not supposed to have intercourse at all for 6 weeks post partum. I feel like I'm obligated to perform oral sex or something during that time because obviously it's my fault (rationally of course this is totally untrue but it's the mindset often pushed on women by society if not the partner themselves). Sorry I got pretty off topic but these are all things going through my head at the moment....
     
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  9. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    I only say it's unhealthy because in my situation when I M it ends up causing a chaser that leads me to go after P eventually. So for me I have to refrain from M due to that. Your situation may be totally different.

    I don't think you're obligated to do that at all. Your SO needs to respect your body. Pregnancy and childbirth cause some pretty crazy things to happen with hormones and just physically in general. When my wife had our first baby she would help me sometimes with a HJ. I think part of it needs to be his awareness to your situation and respect for what you're going through. He shouldn't be putting pressure on you just to get what he wants, and you shouldn't feel that you have to do that or else he'll go somewhere else. I have put my wife in that situation many times and it's caused a lot of resentment for her towards me, so I wouldn't want that to happen for you.

    BTW this is definitely me giving myself advice as well lol.
     
  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Just like porn escalates to him posting on CL, M can escalate to P or fantasy. The problem is the addiction, which is the dopamine hit, the escape from reality. I had no problem with M either, but M eventually leads to P for a lot of people. My husband didn't start to change until M was completely cut out as well as P.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2018
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    This is spot on. Very few pmo addicts can separate porn from MO they are too intertwined. They have to fantasize to MO and that fantasy leads to porn. Can some addicts do it without issue? I suppose but not many. You can’t have the same relationship with a pmo addict sexually as you would with a non addict even in full recovery. That’s just part of the relationship that you have to accept. If the So enjoys porn or sexting she’s got to give that up.
     
  12. I can’t see the difference between P and M.
    If a SO doesn’t like it when he has an O without her is it different if the P is in fantasy form in his head or on a screen or in a magazine or a hard copy pic? Unless he’s M in front for you as part of your intimacy I can’t see a difference.

    Thais is why I dumped it all.
    Just my opinion though.
     
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  13. CastleBlack

    CastleBlack Fapstronaut

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    Well that's my point. I don't mind if he O's without me, I only have an issue with porn and really have a problem with posting on CL.

    As I asked before, if I ask him to give up M'ing altogether does that mean I need to give it up as well even though I've never had a desire to use/look at porn?
     
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  14. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    That's up to you guys. Some couples the SO gives it up as well, some don't.
     
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  15. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Here’s where the discrepancy lies in my opinion. In most relationships MO can be normal and healthy. Unless of course it replaces or effects sex with the SO. So if my partner MOs when I’m not available no problem. But if my partner MOs instead of having sex with me on a regular basis and/or his MO causes ED in bed with me that’s an issue. Many men have death grip and are not addicts that’s still a problem for me as it effects our sex life. I will say the same thing about porn. I’ve never had a problem with men using it before until it was being chosen over me and effected his performance with me. So first question does your partners M or P effect your sex life in a negative way? And the second biggest thing to me is how often and why is the Person moing with p or not? To me p or o crosses the line to unhealthy when it’s being done for reasons unrelated to sex. Does the person do it to cope with bad feelings, to relieve anxiety or depression, anger to feel lonely. Basically is the p or o being using like alcohol or drugs or due to an actual physical sexual desire?
     
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  16. Totally this was me. :emoji_disappointed_relieved:
     
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  17. CastleBlack

    CastleBlack Fapstronaut

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    I agree with this and it's why I've never said "no porn" in the past. Whenever he was MO'ing I was at work or otherwise not around. He's never had an issue with ED but I would maybe say he struggles sometimes with PE. He has said that MO'ing prior to sex helps him last longer when we're together, and as far as I can tell as a woman that makes sense.

    To this question I would have to say no. I only have an issue with him posting ads specifically asking to hook up, stating he can host at our house, giving out our cross streets or saying he can meet somewhere to fool around in the car. According to him he has never actually met with anyone, it's all about the fantasy and the "thrill of the chase" and that porn wasn't enough anymore to get that same rush. That's why I never asked him to give up porn/MO until now where he himself has proclaimed that porn leads to the posting. Which is exactly why I'm concerned that sending him sexy pics of me will then lead to porn, etcetera.

    This I can't really answer but it is an excellent question to pose to him.

    Going back to your first question, I applied this to myself and got rather a different answer. He tends to fall asleep early whereas I am very much a night owl. As such, there are many nights when I MO even though he is home. Like I said previously it does help me sleep, but so does sex. My reasoning for MO'ing versus waking him up is that it's just a whole lot quicker and less tiring for both of us but I realize now that's not necessarily a valid excuse. Perhaps if I MO'd less and did wake him up for sex more he would be less tempted because he would be more satisfied and I would still sleep better. I do wish that he initiated sex with me more. I feel like I'm the one initiating 80% of the time, and especially when I know he's using porn during "off hours" it makes me feel undesirable to him. I want him to want me, which I suppose is part of the appeal of sending him my pictures. Damn this is a complicated situation...

    I really appreciate the input from everyone. It has been a very enlightening discussion already
     
  18. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    GG said:
    Then this was your answer...
    But later you said this...
    This is an example of how it is effecting your sex life in a negative way, IMO. That's a pretty common complaint of SOs to PAs.
     
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  19. CastleBlack

    CastleBlack Fapstronaut

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    I rather disagree with this. I know that he tells his coworker when he receives a sexy pic from me but I don't believe he shares them. I have combed through his phone before and never found any evidence of my pictures going anywhere, he only sent pics of himself. Neither of us have close friends and he definitely doesn't have bar buddies, neither of us have ever been bar go-ers (we have been together since we were both 20). I honestly don't fear him sharing them at all. Perhaps that's naive but I don't think that's the case in our situation
     
  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    As you describe it his pmo is effecting your relationship. You want him to desire you more, so you send sexy pics. You think if you had sex with him more he wouid mo less, nope. And your sexy pics will not replace his desire for porn. Not initiating sex again common issue with pmo addicts. And you know what happens to most men who mo to last longer before sex? Eventually they last so long they can’t O at all from sex.
     

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