[thread deleted by mistake] An informed word on unwanted SSA

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by krabbra, Apr 19, 2019.

  1. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    As much as I want to believe this I know this is untrue. I have lived 22 years of my life thinking I was hetero. I felt in love girls/kissed girls/flirt with girls. Now recently I met my amazing girlfriend. I love her and want to be with her the rest of my life. I just dont feel sexual attraction, although I really want it. We had sex many times, well with a little help of calis. So it looks like im straight I thought. Alhough it feels unsatisfied. I thought nofap was the problem. But I slowly start to realise that it is not gonna cure me. I dont get 100% erecrions maybe like 70%. Sex doesnt feel satisfying. I just accepted myself that im actually gay. Although i still cant believe it or want to believe it. I still have this image of being with a woman in my head and that is what I want. But my body says otherwise...I wish I could be cured but I cant. This is what I am. Straightacting has no purpose bcuz it cant change who I am. Well I do have the same story as u guys. I grew up with my single mother and without my father. Than in primary/high school i got bullied a lot. I felt like a bitch and not a man. I tried hard to become a man. But maybe I am a bitch.....and want a man....
     
  2. So you have tried:
    1) nofap, even though your counter is at 4 days

    Looks like that's all you tried.

    You're a little too young to determine that you are going to be gay the rest of your life.

    You just described some of your childhood, and it sounds really rough. Not having a father is awful, I would know. Your supposed to learn how to "not be a bitch" from him. And without learning that, then it can feel like you are weird and different from everyone else.

    This is another part of the equation. Do you assume that people are out to shame you? And do you shame yourself? It sounds like you shame yourself because of how you write about yourself. Living with shame like that can come from being shamed by your mother, and single mothers are the most likely to shame their children.

    It sounds like your childhood set you up to feel exactly how you do right now.

    Instead of throwing in the towel and making a very rash decision that will definitely cause regret inside of you, how about you look inside of yourself at the emotional roadblock that you have.

    Also find videos on YouTube with Dr Joseph Nicolosi
     
    Freedom_from_PMO likes this.
  3. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    Ok well a little more story than. I always watched straight porn. First I got hard by thoughts than I had to get hard by porn/fapping. After I came to a point that even porn and fapping didnt gave me a full hard anymore. I started escalating to weird stuff like beastiality. For me that was the moment I wanted to change and I felt I wanted a girlfriend. So I knew I had to quit. I did quit. So first two months I fapped maybe 4 times while watching porn. I ended up with a girl in bed who is now my girlfriend. I couldnt get it up at all, not even a little when we were kissing. I had drank too much aswell. As soon as I noticed that I stopped it and didnt wanted to continue bcuz I didnt get aroused. So for me that was a big reason to quit porn for good. I started working out, watching nofap videos, quit porn. I did still relapse a handful times but after 2.5 months later I attempted sex again with the use of Vlagra, but I drank again. I go a bit of an erection but not enough to try sex. So the 4th time of trying I got like a 60-70% erection after minutes of foreplay, maybe even 30 mins. It was depressing af. We had sex but I wasn't happy at all. Again I started nofap, again 3 months with maybe a few relapses not even a handfull. So this time I used tadalafil. It went way better I was more comfortable. It took like 5-10 mins of foreplay to get an erection. We had sex like 8 times. I had an erection of like 80% on average but never really full. I still wasnt satified, I didnt feel much arousal, the sex didnt feel that good. Some days it took to long and barely got an erection or simpy I was drained from too much sex in a row. After I got an few of rest. Than I had sex again like 4 times but I noticed it took longer and my erection didnt stay as hard. Well the last day that I attempted I felt sexually drained. My nut were almost sucked in my body, no arousal and no motivation either to do it. We still tried and I came but after like 20-30 mins of sex with and 60% erect dick. I now am home and she is abroad so I have an break. But the HOCD kicked in, I feel like it is not going get fixed. I am questioning my sexuality constantly. I dont feel any sexual attraction to any woman. I feel normal. Although I do get anxious arounds some impressing looking men. The more I google the more I believe I am gay and lived my life in denial although I never really questioned myself before. I started checking porn. I dont get aroused at all without fapping at first to any porn. Than I tried...gay porn. I felt really anxious going to watch it. Well I watched it and my penis went up a bit sometimes. Although it didnt feel appealing for me. When I relaxed it went down. But the fact that it went up to gay porn and not female/lesbian porn scared me. I feel im gay unless proved otherwise.
     
  4. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    As much as I want to believe it is escalation or the stuff the Dr is saying. I need to be rational, this stuff isn't supported at all and is promoted by homophobic churches. I am a researcher myself if it isnt proven by other scientist or actually people cured by other practitioners I wont believe it. Ye he is psychologist and has a degree but that says nothing. He is just anti-gay who made his own theories that he want to force upon people. This is just bro science as I call it. I would do it all to be honest but I need to be rational aswell.


    I keep relapsing everyday because i'm really scared to be gay to be honest although I accepted it somewhat. I'm scared that even after abstaining for long time I am still the same...I am/was in a clinical depression already but even more now..I actually thought about suicide many times.
     
  5. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    You are not gay, failing to get an erection due to anxiety. Men have had erection problems through all history, just recently there's this trend of "can't get erection > i must be gay". LOL. Just calm down, stop fantasizing, stop masturbating, stop using porn and relax. Your problem is your social anxiety and that's what you need to solve. Stop trying to "test your erections". Stop using viagra.
     
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  6. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    The point is I dont feel anxious when having sex now. I did the first few times that why I needed alcohol. I dont feel anxious looking at woman in real life or at porn. Well the clalis I take is for the anxiety, the anxiety to not get an erection ye. When I do take it I feel relaxed bcuz I did get an erection hard enough to have sex. Why do I need to stop? It is not that I have sex every week or even month. I wouldnt attempt sex without it. My striving is doing nofap>sex with meds>sex without. But ye I see little improvement in my normal erects. Thats also a reason why the hocd started, seeing little progress. I agree that I need to stop testing and quit it, but ye it is driving me crazy. Hearing that I might/am gay feels like I just heard that I have 3 months to live xD.
     
  7. krabbra

    krabbra Fapstronaut

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    First of all, thank you @zuzu123 for coming here and sharing.

    One thing needs to be dismissed at once: not supporting the view of homosexuality as equal to heterosexuality, nor as a trait one is born with is not homophobia.

    Now: I don't know you, but from your posts it sounds like you have several identity issues. You have feelings of inferiority and feel strange around impressive men. You also have depression fueled by the idea that you might be gay, and you can relate to the typical background story.
    Only if you embrace your SSA and identify with it you are a gay person. Otherwise you are a straight man with a homosexual problem.

    I have never in my entire life taken a "little blue pill" or it's equivalents myself. I still manage to get it up with my girl and that was not the case over a year ago. Sure, I rarely see women on the street that make me wanna rip their clothes off, but when i get intimate with one it works. PMO triggers my identity issues and fuels my SSA. It is alot more difficult to sleep with her right after a relapse.
    You need to feel like a high value man (part of beeing a high value man is obviously to be potent and virile). You are depressed also because you feel inferior and inpotent from your erectile dysfunction. Work on your self-esteem, stop the pills and give it time (several years if you have to), stop the PMO. Get some close, non-erotic friendships with other men if you can. You are craving masculinity like the rest of us.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
  8. Exponential Power

    Exponential Power Fapstronaut

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    Classic escalation/ HOCD. If you were gay you would have had crushes on guys IRL and been aroused by men before you began using porn. You need more and longer Nofap streaks.
     
    Freedom_from_PMO likes this.
  9. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    I don't really feel inferiority anymore, I actually became quite confident over the years. My childhood experience was traumatizing and put me on the line of suicide. I didn't gave up. That's why I am still here now. I am became more confident, social, more masculine, worked out. I have never identified myself other than a male or heterosexual. Although whenever I looked at myself, I looked like a girl and I hated it. Well I still do sometimes and some ways wish I was more masculine. That I try to acquire myself and be that, it was never that I actually wanted to be with a male. PMO is big problem I agree and I thought a reason of many of my problems. Now I have some experiences with abstaining from PMO i'm not sure about that anymore. I never was SSA well only in a way of having role models in masculinity, idk if that is the same. Quiting porn was and is never hard for me, because I dont have/feel sexual urges maybe when I was a young teen. But certainly not now, I feel like 0 libido although all my hormones are normal. I did PMO for stress-relief and sleeping and that I enjoyed it ofc. Thats also why I relapse often now bcuz HOCD-stress. Well I didnt tell my gf about the pills and if I tell it and the hocd issues I fear a breakup. It is already hard enough for her that sex is hard sometimes. Well all my friends and close friends used to be men. I lost a bunch of friends because I didnt really feel their hobby's and lifestyle was like mine. Now I have also (girl) friends, but not on a close level or anything like that, just at school. Too be honest I accepted how I look now and that I have some femine behaviour, Im working on it but not obsessed with like it, like before. My only problem is unwanted arousal to men and the non/little arousal to women. Well havent been with a man in a sexual way but I mean porn.

    And on the strange feeling around impressive/masculine men it is mostly on eye contact level. I actually get spastic/uncomfortable looking some men in the eyes. I always thought this was just social anxiety, shyness and inferiority but I still have it now and not with woman at all.

    Well I am not sure about anything anymore. I started fapping/porn the week after I got to know about sex and orgasm, I was 12. I dont know about the arousal part, I dont think I did. I do think I did from women even at the early stages of porn use. Ye I am on nofap again in 2 months I see my gf again, that is my motivation.
     
  10. krabbra

    krabbra Fapstronaut

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    I just wanna say that alot if this is very relatable, don’t be discouraged. You sound like you have a lot of healing to go through and you can totally do it.
    Don’t do the mistake of idolizing sex, It’s never a good idea to make hedonistic pleasures the center of your life.
     
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  11. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    This is excellent thread. God bless OP.
     
  12. krabbra

    krabbra Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Freedom_from_PMO. If one single person can be helped, it’s worth any amount of time.
     
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  13. Fighter&Croat

    Fighter&Croat New Fapstronaut

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    Dear krabbra!

    Not only you gave me a huge encouragement, but you also motivated me to register here on the forum! I really plan to follow this forum and see what it can offer to me. :)

    I also started doing the research on my own, a long time ago and on various topics. I have heard about the work od Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, God bless him. :) I can only motivate others to learn more about neuroplasticity, an ability of a brain to change. Unlike the last century belief about an adult man not being able to change whether he grew up to be, say, an intelligent man or an incompetent man or anything similar, now we have proofs of brain being able to change constantly. With proper mental exercises, it is possible to change certain habits, ways of performing tasks or even something bigger, like being addicted to porn or even having SSA. There are even testimonies of people being in difficult situations (not related to SSA, but even worse, being diagnosed as mentally weak) and still being able to change, even at the adult age.
    So, for anyone who needs to read this - you are not alone! You can do it, there is a hope. :)
     
  14. guy_376

    guy_376 Fapstronaut

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    krabbra, I started following this post today. Fantastic. I'd heard some of these things before in a Yahoo group, which no longer is in effect. I consider myself to be bisexual. Last time I stopped jacking off, all of a sudden women's breasts and asses looked fantastic to me. I have a loving wonderful girlfriend, who does not know about this side of me. I hold back because I have performance anxiety. Looking forward to developing a more intimate relationship with her.
     
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  15. krabbra

    krabbra Fapstronaut

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    @Fighter&Croat and @guy_376 Thank you guys for your comments. You cannot understand how happy I am if this is encouraging to people. Feel free to reach out to me if you wanna talk.
     
  16. I absolutely agree with this. Pornography is a huge factor in SSA and eroticizing what what you admire in men. Me for example I had never had any kind of desire to do or mess around with another guy until I became further and further addicted to porn. I would always cruise CL looking for women and coming up short and it wasn’t until a guy invited me over to watch porn and JO together that I started to have an SSA to where when I would be interested to meet up with another guy, I wouldn’t meet up unless they looked a certain way (fit, no overweight, not hairy, etc) and that’s because of the mentality of what a male pornstar is supposed to look like and then watching Trans and Gay porn and I had never watched any of that before meeting up with a guy.

    Currently I was still addicted to that same process of JOing with a guy who met the looks and criteria of what I thought was the standard and even when doing more than JO with a guy I knew that I was just doing this to O and feeling not so much regret but a feeling like “yep, this is how far I have come just to O and feel good.”
     
  17. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    Your post and all this thread is very interesting to me because it kind of confirms what my theory on SSA attraction https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...atural-progression-from-straight-porn.235514/
     
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  18. krabbra

    krabbra Fapstronaut

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    Very cool. Thank you for sharing your discoveries. It means alot to everyone who’s interessted in this to see that peoples stories and discoveries add up. They clearly fit certain patterns.
     
    guy_376 likes this.
  19. krabbra

    krabbra Fapstronaut

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    So I’m just shamelessly gonna bump by own thread because I see this topic turning up everywhere still, I hope this can be helpful to somebody
     
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  20. realmineralsalt

    realmineralsalt Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for shamelessly bumping it! I used to be addicted to futanari hentai even though I'm as straight a male as I can be. It was weirding me off, especially when it involved my other fetishes. Now I can make sense of what was happening! After a long time without porn and sporadically having real sex with my gf I went back and saw some hentai again and it wasn't as appealing as before. Thanks for sharing this.
     

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