Through the fog.... is there clearing somewhere?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by whiskeylullaby, Jun 15, 2019.

  1. whiskeylullaby

    whiskeylullaby New Fapstronaut

    Sorry in advance. This is a long story. And I'm amazed since finding this place that it's not uncommon. Am just wondering if there is a possibility of a happy ending.

    Have been married to a great, talented, successful guy for 35 years. Raised two wonderful kids to adulthood. But..... (seems like there's always a "but") he has always had issues with addiction of some kind. In the beginning it was alcohol. It never affected his work life but always affected our home life. He insisted he didn't have a "problem". There were many fights and tears and he would always dial it back long enough to make me think he changed and then he'd go off a cliff again. Yet I stayed and tried to keep him from literally destroying himself.

    At some point when our youngest was born, we simply ceased to have a sex life. Nothing, nada, no interest on his part whatsoever. Once recovered from the new baby hormones I started to question this. No communication, refused to discuss, deflected and made out like it was really me with the problem. This went on for over 18 years. Yes, you read that correctly. Eighteen. Years.

    Kids grew up and moved away or went off to college. Suddenly - out of the blue, he becomes passionately "interested". I have no why but am really happy. Except.... he seems to have ED. He even goes to his doctor and gets an Rx for something to help with that. It helps but he is only interested in sex that involves some level of kink. OK, I'm no prude - maybe this will be fun. Except he really isn't able to stay hard long enough for penetration and is completely OK with that and wants to just get himself off. Okayyyyyyyyy........ I just assume this has to do with the whole ED thing and it's physical and hey, I'm there so we are actually having sex.... aren't we?

    About 3 years ago I stumble on his affection for porn. I start to kind of monitor it to see what he's watching and think maybe it'll give me some idea of what he likes so I can appeal to that in bed. He has no idea. I realize that what he is watching is what he will then try to "act out". I also realize that ever since his return from what I thought was an 18 year self appointed celibacy, there is no real intimacy in what we do. There is no touching, no kissing, no real foreplay and no "affection" if that makes sense. I describe it as "you touch me with 'things' but you never actually touch me".

    The porn path he is following starts to become very dark. Very much into the BDSM genre and nothing but humiliation and pain and choking and seeing it is making me crazy with silent rage. The amount he is watching basically translates into several times during his work day (where he'd have to go out of his way and lock himself in the bathroom to watch), every day when he is home for a few hours before I get home and even when we are both at home and I go to bed earlier or he's in his workshop in the basement. At this point the little blue pills that are costing us close to $30 each to have sex are being used so he can masturbate.

    Last week I came home from work mid-day (which I have never done) on a day he was working from home. Found him locked in the bedroom. When he finally opened the door in his bathrobe claiming to be about to get in the shower, I saw that his laptop was on the dresser hooked up to the 55 inch TV and a nylon belt was latched on a closet hinge and I blew a gasket.

    In a former work life, I have responded to calls where someone has died from autoerotic asphyxia gone bad. I will not risk finding someone I love in that condition. I flipped out on him like never before.

    I said I would leave and I still may. He claims he didn't know he had a "problem" with his porn consumption or escalation (and I have watched the escalation) and that he will do anything for me to stay. Can't tell you how many times I heard that with the alcohol issues. But in that case, he did just stop. And it's been years. It just seems like one vice stops and another addiction springs up.

    So I really do thank you for reading this long winded tale and I wonder..... is there a way back from all this? He needs to do this for him but I know he has no idea HOW to do it. Suggestions.....?
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Wow...that’s quite the story. You have my support. I can’t tell you what to do, but here’s what I did.
    I decided not to make any major decisions for one year.
    I requested that he attend as many SA meetings as possible
    I requested that he see a Certified sex addiction theraphist
    We live as roommates for three months, at which time we would renegotiate
    I obtained my own theraphist

    I learned as much as I could about this motherlode of an addiction. It’s a tough road to how, however there’s lots of support here. One thing you absolutely MUST do is take care of you. Do something nice /good for yourself each and every day.

    Good luck on your journey, keep checking in here, you’ll find you’ll have lots of friends.

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