Time for a fresh new beginning (long)

Hey everyone, I'm a 35 yr old Male and I have struggled with porn for a while. Im almost a week free of it. It really started I guess around 16. The female body really started to catch my eye and through magazines and TV started really getting curious and learned about masterbating. The internet was starting to get big and I started seeing what I could find and it did feel good and I used the excuse of I just wanted to learn what sex was about since I was a virgin.

College years then began. It was a roller coaster time for me. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, keeping good grades, and wanted to date and get in a great relationship. I went one some dates in college, but nothing ever really worked out and I remained a virgin(which is what I wanted), but I had friends and we had a good time, but when I would get alone would get depressed about not finding a relationship that I wanted. I used Porn at least once a week and wasn't going to church and didn't have a strong relationship with God. I went to strip club twice and these images of porn would stay with me in my head. I used the excuse that everyone did it and I just wanted to be the best I could be whenever the time came. My friends weren't the best influences and we drank and partied alot.

The 2 years after College, I lived by myself and continued down the porn addiction. I didn't think I had an issue. Then about 9 years ago, I started going to church and made some really good friends. I would still struggle with porn, but maybe now only once a month and I would feel really guilty and shameful because I knew better. In 2011 I started dating my soon to be wife and we got married in 2012 and I told myself after we had sex, I was done. Well we had sex when we were dating and occasionally would still look. I told myself when I got married it would be the end of porn, I didn't need it now that I was married!! I would still see something on tv or internet(beautiful women) that would trigger it and it might not be that day, but image would stick with me and I would mess up.

Fast forward to this past calendar year. I still had the heavy secret of not telling my wife or anyone that I had been screwing up with this. Each time I thought would be the last and thought I was fine. Oct 2018 I had an off day and got bored and looked at it. This time was different, I got very shameful, guilty, and depressed an my wife knew something was up. I finally admitted to her about porn and she took it ok. I thought I was for sure done then. I had been working out of town in March 2019 and I got bored and something again triggered it and relapsed. Then September 4, I was on ESPN website and just curious who was on ESPN athlete body issue(had zero intention of porn) and I had done really great without it. I was scrolling through images and couldn't believe they showed women whole backside completely naked. It caught me off guard and wanted to not look at more, but did. Those images stayed in my head and I couldn't sleep and slowly went back to porn without even attempting too. This was an eye opener and had to own up to my wife again and she is supportive. I was really depressed and beating myself up over it the next day. I think part of it was I have been having a strong relationship with God these past few years, listening to so many sermons and felt a huge amount of guilt.

I'm in a better place these last few days and I have a pretty strong will, but I have tried to educate myself on this disease and learn about how it happened to me again a week ago. I told myself Im going to try and be supportive and help others battling this and then something good can come out of this situation. I do believe God can make good things ultimately happen out of bad situations if you fully trust in him. Im thinking this will help me accountable also. This is first time I have sat down and really thought about it all and written it out. Thanks in advance.

 

Thanks!! Day 10 now. Yea, I’m not really sure if I was porn addict or not bc the last year and half I had done good and can control it over 90 percent of time, but I don’t want to look at it at all. I have now learned through some poster videos what kind of damage it can do to your brain and sex life.

 

Thanks!! I appreciate it! Yea, I should have been upfront earlier with her, but I guesFear/worry/embarrassment
Made it hard to open up. I kept thinking it was last time. It was a huge weight lifted though. I have also learned we aren’t meant to fight all these crazy battles in life by ourselves.