Time to walk away??

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Healmyheart, Aug 17, 2018.

  1. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Feeling so low right now, things had been going ok as far as P usage goes. However I had been picking up on some dodgy secretive stuff that we had talked to death about in the past, because they were minor and wouldn't have even been an issue in the relationship I let it slide giving the benefit of the doubt, it may have been forgotten about (which he's very good at) Where my issue lies is with the deception and dishonesty behind it and why???? The first was phone calls with the ex mother in law that even when questioned numerous times said there had been no contact, it really hurt to see the lying all over again. My issue was not the contact but why all the secrecy behind it, obviously he thinks it's wrong to have to keep it secret , so now yes I do have an issue with contact with this person or anyone else he's secretive about.
    It became really obvious the other day when I saw text come into his phone, one from his daughter and another from a female friend of his (that he is friends with both her and her partner, I know them)
    He picked up his phone and said "oh (daughter's name)" read the message and put his phone down. So I said oh and (friends name). So he knew I had seen it and the whole cover up. He said if I had of waited 2 more minutes he would have told me, but he'd put his phone down and lost the opportunity so I'm not buying it. It made me see the lying deceptive person was still there.
    I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of days and gone over our conversations both P related and other and have realized anything he has come clean about is only when I push and push and he has gauged the fact that I know for sure there has been absolutely nothing ever volunteered. There are things that I've worked out but never discussed and hes never mentioned it either so I still feel like there hasn't been full disclosure and he will only come clean to what he thinks I know.
    The relationship has been riddled with dishonesty and deception right from the start but it was always talked away and made out to not be a big deal or what it looked like. So I stuck around thinking, hoping it would get better or change.
    For a while I thought it was things were going well but now I've seen those same behaviors again. He says he loves me and wants it to work, he says he's trying and I can see it a bit but because of this I feel it hasn't changed and he will continue to have his own life, I will always be kept in the dark and oh I don't tell you because "l" didn't think it was important (seriously after all the conversations!!!!)
    Right now I'm wondering who is this person I've got myself mixed up with, I don't know the magnitude he will continue to lie??
    Is he even capable of honesty??
    Does he really want to make it work?? Because someone that continues to that is sending me double messages, words without actions time and time again. I've told him countless times what I want from the relationship and it seems to all fall on deaf ears. As much as he says he wants it, I just don't see the total commitment and effort don't get me wrong I do see a bit but not the pull out all stops to make up for all the damage and completely turn around all of my hurt and the way I've been made feel.
    I do not want to leave but I can't do it anymore. I want him to be the person he pretends he is, I want to have the future as we've talked about and I can't see any other way. I'm so lost and confused.
    How many chances can you give?
     
  2. Bin Rakan

    Bin Rakan Fapstronaut

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    First of all welcome in our community and thanks for sharing your story dear -hearmyheart- and hope all your problems will be solved and regain your trust.

    Second, I see from your post he might not your husband if this is the case then walk away with heartbeat. But if he is your husband then the answer is no it is not the time to walk away, and please do not let your husband sense that you are not trusting him because it will get worse. And definitely he was wrong about not telling you about his female friend and this is a huge mistake from his part, and all I can say to you try to become closer to him. Enter in his world treat him as if he is your best friend so you can block other suspicious relationships.
     
    Healmyheart likes this.
  3. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your response Bin Rakan, no he is not my husband but we are pretty much living as such, apart from keeping finances separate as I don't think the relationship has ever got to that kind of commitment stage, he thought it has and wanted it but, I never felt the love/relationship commitment side of it because of all the extras going on in the background.
    I have tried and tried to enter his world, tried to have indepth conversations, its always one sided, he knows so much about me, I've talked openly about my past and life experiences. I get very little in return, always kept at arms length, like it's all a mystery. I talk freely about my exs and what they were like and how I feel, I get nothing. I once said it was like you were born the day you met me. Its like there are so many secrets or he hasn't delt with the past. Especially after we first met he was still in a lot of contact with the most recent and also the one before that (to what extent I can't be sure of). He says there is no point taking about the past but I feel it's the whole getting to know a person process and openness and honesty in a relationship.
     
  4. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    He already knows this, I feel the opposite may be true and he will see how wrong it is and the damage it does and does he really want to do that kind of damage, as apposed to him thinking he's getting away with it and continuing to do it, because he thinks I'm too dumb to notice.
     
  5. Bin Rakan

    Bin Rakan Fapstronaut

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    Your relationship is off from the beginning. If you think that the relationship does not live up to the commitment stage then why you wasting your time?

    The whole point from getting into relationship is to get married at the end.
    And he doesn't share things with you because he took you for granted .

    Dear I advice you to cut ties with him and think what you really want from the relationship.




     
  6. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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  7. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Yes unfortunately I think you are right, I feel I'm grasping at my one last chance of a happy relationship.
    If this doesn't work I'm done, I'll never put myself in a situation to be decieved so much ever again.
     
  8. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    No not as such, I thought I had spelt it out quite clearly in conversations we'd had around the matter when he said countless times he would tell me everything. So I thought it would be a given, a respect thing.
    I kind of feel if I sat down and did a point by point, if what he can and can't do he would just turn around and say I was being controlling and he will just do as he pleases anyway.
    How can I set specific boundaries without being controlling and domineering? That's not me normally I was such an easy going person and just go with the flow on most things. When we first met he would tell me how easy I was to be with. Maybe that's where I made the mistake. Haha we would never say that now!! I'm not the person I used to be because of all this.
    I kind of feel I cant say you can do this and not that all I can do is let him know how it makes me feel and at the end of the day its ultimately his decision.
     
  9. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    That is awesome, thank you. However can we think of something else other than out of my house as it isn't my house, I moved in with him and it's a company house he has through work lol
    We are in a very remote town with very little housing options
     
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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  11. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for the links and support. I will use them and try to come up with something that's will work.
     
  12. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    So I just caught him in another lie....small but none the less a lie.
    He is working away at the moment with limited access to internet. He said he would message me at lunchtime on snapchat, I got nothing but saw his counter go up. I messaged to say I was disappointed he just got back and told me he had no reception. I just said please don't lie again I saw your counter go up. If he tries to call tonight the consequences of that lying will be that I don't want to talk tonight.....who knows it probably won't worry him that much. So angry right now!
     
  13. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I have a question about social media... Snapchat is social media with... questionable stuff on it last I had it. I got rid of it a couple months ago because I was triggered by it. So just something to be aware of. Not sure if Snapchat took off the porn stuff (like celebs and stuff)
     
    Archangel 77 likes this.
  14. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

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    What’s your question?

    I do think both genders struggle with “digital addictions” equally. For men, I think we are far more susceptible to the visual P and suggestive images. However, for women, I think the constant attention, and validation of social media really weakens intimacy of real world relationships. Do you agree?
     
  15. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    My question is PA's normally get rid of social media because porn is alllll over social media.... so if he is rebooting why does he have snapchat? He could be using it as a p-sub, so it's reasonable to ask to make sure the SO is fully aware of any way the PA could be not being fully committed to recovery
     
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  16. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

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    Got it, yeah that’s a question you would have to ask him to be sure.

    I have Snapchat, and instagram and FB, but I don’t subscribe or follow any celebrities. Only people I know, and only a handful at that. I didn’t grow up with, or even go to college with social media, so it’s never been that big of a hook for me.

    That said, there are P-subs everywhere, not just social media. When I was growing up, I would find the women’s underwear section of the JC Penney catalog.

    Rebooting successfully is in your heart, head and soul. No amount of rules, or filters, will ever fix the problem. If your husband is being honest with you, and himself, then he’s being successful, regardless of social media.

    That’s my two cents.
     
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  17. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Hi, yes snapchat has a message counter so I could tell he'd been on it the lie was that he'd told me he had no reception when I could tell different. I did end up speaking to him briefly last night and also said I wanted to put accountability software on his phone he refused to start with saying he wasn't a child. Then backed down and said ok but he had his back up about it. He said he'd been thinking and realized that things he thinks are small I obviously don't. I pointed out that we'd had the same discussion over and over why realize now. I just got "I don't know"
    A bit later on I got a message saying he hates what's going on and hates what it's doing to me and that he doesn't deserve me and he is a c*** for that and I am a great person and he wants to make it work but if I can't he will understand.
     
  18. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Hi yes I am uncomfortable with him having snapchat and have checked out what is on there. I don't want to completely isolate him from family and friends as we live so far away from both of our families and friends so I haven't pushed the issue, he no longer has Facebook or anything else. In this latest blow up I have however mentioned I was thinking about getting rid of mine and he said if I do he will. I do like that contact with friends also.
     
  19. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Update : we have spoken about snapchat chat, I even emailed them asking if it was possible to just remove the discoveries/subscription section so it's just friends. As I really don't want to completely isolate him from his friends. He has insisted and is more than happy to delete it when he gets back saying it's just a gimmick thing and at his age I was more important to him than having snapchat. Hes said if his friends want him they can call.
     
  20. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    My husband has no social media. If he wants to connect with friends he does have a phone which texts and calls. So if a person has a phone they aren't isolated. Social media is just a mindless activity that ends up feeding addiction.


    ALSO get the book Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

    Your guy should read it there is a section on how parental monitoring should be on devices. The book explains exactly what the cheater did and why it hurts what what the cheater has to do to rebuild
     
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