Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Trigirl78, Feb 7, 2019.

  1. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone, back at the start of November my SO came to realise he may have a PA after I sent him the ted talk.

    Since then we have tried to implement lots of strategies and I know why you are gonna say ‘we...should of been he’.

    Anyway, he’s admitted it to his friends and some family, he’s started transactional therapy, joined a gym, been on a healthy mind and body course, watched and read some literature on addiction and behaviours. But still 3 months in with so much to lose he is really struggling to get a grip day to day with restraining.
    To the point I was losing hope when he regressed and started hiding it all again.
    We love each other very much and before I discovered this we were very happy. Now I wish I could shut the box and forget about it but we can’t now it’s open.
    My question today is, is having boundaries etc realistic at this stage in the journey? As the more he acts out and can’t control his behaviour the more inward he becomes again.

    Or is it beneficial keeping them but having lower expectations for them to commit to them but hopefully over time they would?

    I know I sound so wishy washy but I do not want this relationship to fail because of this. Me and my kids have invested so much and love him but i know I can’t just pretend it’s not happening.

    I’m the only one who can be his accountability partner as no one else is on hand to support him but he doesn’t want to hurt me by disclosing so it’s catch 22!!!
  2. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    so first off - you're not the only one who can be his AP. I think you're seeing that it doesn't work. here's a couple of easy ideas: many large proetsant churches have recovery groups, the one I got to isn't excessive on the religion thing, yet still provides face to face accountability. so even if you're not into the religion thing, that's a good option to check out IMO. second idea - get an AP here on NF. it's not as good as face2face - but it's better than nothing.

    next - good job to both of you for all the lifestyle changes!!! I know you know this... but he's gotta take the real recovery steps on his own. boundaries on your part will "encourage" to do that - he likely needs real, firm, loving consequences in order to seriously step into the abyss and pursue recovery. almost all of us PAs need that.

    You don't sound wishy washy - you sound hurt, and frustrated. you've led him to water. he knows approx. what he needs to do to get better. you should concentrate on your part, which is loving boundaries, and let him decide what he's going to do. be prepared for him to test the boundaries - it sucks but we all do it.

    and start addressing your own stuff. there is almost certainly some hurt and resentment you have built up. work on that. there's lots of work to go around :)

    HTH some - all the best,
    Kenzi, Trappist, Trigirl78 and 2 others like this.
  3. Hey there, thanks for reaching out. This must be super painful for you and your courage to face it and the desire to support his recovery is awesome. As noted above, it usually doesn't work well for the SO to be the accountability partner.
    That said, lying and hiding behavior and relapses is not okay. I'm saying this as one who did for several years into recovery. This addiction sucks and fogs the mind so that the ability to see reality is very hard. If he is willing to watch it, a short video that helped me to finally get it is "What Happened" It is part of a longer video that is really helpful.

    There is hope for real recovery from this addiction. Please hear that. It takes way more work and time than anyone is willing to believe when they start down this path. I certainly didn't understand what it would take. It is a real war and there will be battles that are lost along the way. Victory can happen if he is willing to stay in the fight.
    There are many on here who are willing to help as am I if he wants to reach out. You two cannot do this alone.
    Bless you and know that many are cheering for you and your family.
    Trigirl78 likes this.
  4. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    It is very helpful yes so thank you for taking the time to respond.

    Loving firm consequences.....can you clarify what you think they are?

    I did put some strict ones in to start with but I removed them and changed them to more development and self growth type ones.....such as ....


    • Swimming session

    • 30 minutes massage

    • Develop taste palate by trying new foods at next meal (e.g. Mushroom, Sushi, Fish, Eggs or Avocado)

    • Write or discuss your thoughts on subject which can help your recovery

    • Join me for a long walk

    I was trying to make them loving consequences.

    So should I stay firm with boundaries like you said, as it clearly states what I expect but don’t lose hope in them just because to start with he cannot always stick to them ?? Should I take out the ‘report any slips within 24 hours’ as isn’t that me being an accountability partner? His latest slip he said he doesn’t want to have to disclose detail as I hurt myself with it and he doesn’t want to cause me more pain, but when he says he’s slipped I feel compelled to know the medium he used as to know what lengths he takes to get his fix!

    NO P of any type ever (including P-Subs), avoid all nude/scenes on TV & movies and triggers where possible.

    NO M (whilst in recovery)

    Any SLIPS– must be reported within 24 hours, preferably less.

    NO lying

    Open up & talk DAILY about feelings, struggles, positives.

    • NO technology in any closed rooms or bedrooms

    NO use of unauthorised/unfiltered technology, incognito browsing.

    Emails - delete immediately or unsubscribe any inappropriate emails
  5. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Thank you! Would you be willing to consider being his AP as I’m sure he would snap your hand off !!!
    Committed to One likes this.
  6. I’m not sure how the title ‘Time lines”,
    Is asked here, other that a current status of things?

    I suspect you are saying he would grab your hand like a drowning man kind of thing?

    Sounds like you both have a good start with things. Slips are common, but better not to have. I took until my 60’s until I could find enough motivation to help.

    Coming out to everyone as you note
    Is as powerful as committing to any other important thing.
    With commitment is a power that procrastination does not give.

    Your consequences
    support that commitment.

    (face to face at 12 step type meetings is so helpful.
    Don’t sweat the religion aspect.
    People answer that question their own “goddam way”. Some simply use the group and sponsor as a kind of higher power or source of help outside of our own “self obsessed laden bubble”.)

    But outside accountability is awesomeness tripled;
    Countering isolation.

    Porn is now countered
    more with recovery in society.
    You hear this on the radio,
    in houses of prayer,
    here, and the TV and print.

    Do every indicated thing you both can find. There is a lot to understand.

    Recovery consists of action every day.
    Sometimes every moment in the day.

    He has to walk his new path
    and your consequences are a good protection for you.

    “Because she’s mine, I walk the line.”
  7. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

Share This Page